Tuesday, September 2, 2014

A 2014 Cole Hamels Hair Update

Another year has passed, another summer has ended. After many, many long months of being completely fixated on dogs (my dog specifically, but all of the dogs in the world additionally), I've been trying to reconnect with the things that I loved before I loved only dogs, i.e. baseball, fantasy baseball, football, fantasy football and Bill Simmons.  It's been pretty good so far, despite my baseball thoughts being dominated by fretting over when I'll see Derek Jeter for the last time and why there are Snoopy dolls in the Mets Team Store. This morning, however, I pushed the anxiety aside to indulge in another of my all-time favorite baseball hobbies: taking blurry MLB.tv photos of Cole Hamels on my iPhone.

Congratulations on your combined no-hitter, Cole! Are you wearing that titanium-infused necklace for style or for POWER?

While these photos testify to the fact that Cole Hamels does know how to smile, they don't provide any information about the current state of his hair. To save you the trouble of asking Google (don't bother asking Siri, she only wants to talk about Heidi Hamels' hair), here are some 2014 Cole Hamels Hair Updates:

So, basically, nothing new to report. Although I guess I missed a mustache phase in 2013:

via ...but I'd say more AMAZING than EMBARRASSING.

Yes, I found this by Googling "Cole Hamels dog 2014."  And no, there weren't any new photos of Cole carrying his dog around in a back pack.  

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Phillies Hate Cole Hamels Just Like California Hated Sam Seaborn

Sam Seaborn  Cole Hamels: I'm gonna lose.
Toby Ziegler The Philadelphia Phillies: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: There's no chance of a miracle?
Toby Ziegler: No.
Sam Seaborn: Then why are you here?
Toby Ziegler:  You're gonna lose, and you're gonna lose huge. They're gonna throw rocks at you next week, and I wanted to be standing next to you when they did.

I want to say one thing, which is that Cole Hamels and Sam Seaborn look 93% exactly the same. And I want to say another thing, which is that the Phillies have lost all four of Cole's starts this season and only two of them were his fault.

(Tangentially, both Cole Hamels and Sam Seaborn are from California. That said, I do not think that Cole Hamels will be President one day because obviously America's baseball president will be Derek Jeter.)

Monday, August 27, 2012

A New Unfortunate Thing That My Brain Did to Itself

Sometimes I have ideas that involve trying things that I've never tried before.  Today, my idea was to watch to guided imagery meditation YouTube videos while simultaneously listening to the end of the Yankees-Blue Jays game on the radio.  This was not a good idea.  The music made me visualize hypnotic raccoon faces leering at me from the Darkness of My Unknown Mind.  This felt bad, but instead of turning it off, I stopped focusing on my Inner Thoughts and made this picture:

While I was Photoshopping DJ, he hit a home run and tied the game at 7-7 in the ninth inning.  Why did THAT happen?  The music makes me feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of ice cold red Gatorade.  The music makes me feel like animals can talk.  The music makes the place between my eyeballs hurt.  One million, eight hundred and one thousand and thirty nine (1,801,039) people watched this video before I did.  One million, eight hundred and one thousand and thirty nine people have been subconsciously effecting the outcomes of Yankee games since this video was uploaded in September 2011.  Please do not listen to this music if your secret brain hates the Yankees.  

I guess I should be happy that I've used a free internet resource to unleash my psychokinetic sports powers, but I don't feel very good.  I will probably have awful dreams tonight and the Yankees still haven't won the game.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

This is Not Good

This is the kind of picture that populates the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery these days:

Disorienting cropping, static straight-ahead camera angles, noticeable lack of Derek Jeter.  Who is this person?  Evan Longoria.  What does his hair look like? Indiscernible.  After all, what else could anyone possibly want to know about Evan Longoria? Nothing!

My quality of life directly correlates to the quality of the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. I may never know what anyone looks like again.  What will I put on this blog? Acrostic poems about my favorite athletes, I guess.  Here's my first two:

Day after day,
Even when I am
Reasonably happy, I spend at least one minute thinking about how in-
Evitably, Derek Jeter is getting older.  It
Keeps happening.  There's no reason to take it personally. It's

Just something that is happening.
Every day,
The past gets larger and larger, like a floating yak that can't stop
Eating.  Someday this insatiable ghost yak, or whatever it is, will consume you.
Realistically, thankfully, I doubt that Derek Jeter has considered his spirit animal of death.

Please be good at football this year.
Eli has already won two Superbowls.
You deserve another one,
Two, three, four
Or five...just kidding. You're probably too old for four.
Not that I know anything about the lifespans of professional athletes.

I also don't know why you're in that boring car commercial.

Someone please fix the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. Writing poetry is stupid and hard.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Great Job, DJ

Tonight, the internet is talking about whether or not Derek Jeter can amass 1,001 hits and break Pete Roses's all-time hits record.  People say that he would have to play until he's in his late 40's. Go for it, DJ! You're already the world's best person. You might as well try to become the world's-best-person-who-has-also-hit-more-baseballs-than-any-other-person.  By then, I'll also be in my 40's and will have hit no baseballs in any context.  That's okay. We all have our own paths in life.

Something I would like the internet to tell me: what happened to the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery?  Where else can I go to see hundreds of unsorted photos of unfamous MLB players? I had to use this un-new photo of Derek Jeter that Google unearthed from some unknown corner of the universe.  Oh well. Who cares about representing things as they are? Who really cares about the truth?

Congratulations to the Derek Jeter of today, yesterday, 10+ years from now and forever.  Thanks to the internet, you'll always be our one and only timeless Jeter.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Proof that I will watch any baseball game / Proof that every game is worth watching

A few weeks ago, I had to stay late at work and wait for our computer tech to install some software on our inventory laptops.  I should also have asked him to fix MLB.tv because it wasn't working properly.  The game I chose wasn't of any particular personal interest and the video feed was heavily distorted, but I very much enjoyed the hour or so I spent watching it.  ART. It's everywhere (especially if you work in an art gallery).  When I finally open Jenni's Sports Art Gallery, I'll definitely have at least one exhibition of "Bizarre Photos I took While Watching MLB.tv, 2010-2022*."**

At this point, I'll watch pretty much any Major League game.  There's always something worth observing: mascots doing telethon fundraisers, the length of Cole's hair, a franchise's first perfect game.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? KING FELIX PITCHED A PERFECT GAME! Here are some photos from the ninth inning:

I sort of like that this happened after Ichiro got traded to the Yankees.  Otherwise, the joy of Felix's accomplishment could have transitioned into awkward reflections on the slumping decline of Seattle's other superstar.  Instead, everyone got to feel UNTAINTED, EXHILARATING AMAZEMENT, which is one of the many things that sports can make you feel.*** 

Watch MLB.tv.  See things.  Feel things. 

*Or whenever.
**I generate so many "Photos of MLB.tv." I could exhibit completely new sets of them every month (winter included) for the next ten years. However, at Jenni's Sports Art Gallery, you'll be able to see a wide variety of sports-related art, including my one sports painting, which is still not and may never be finished.
*** The other feelings being Anger, Happiness, Sadness, Prolonged Depression, The Mean Kind of Happiness that Stems from Someone Else's Sadness and UNTAINTED, UNEXHILARATING AGONY (in order of frequency).