Loveable Loser

Mark Buerhle, along with stupid Chad Billingsley, you blew up my ERA in both of my Fantasy leagues this week. Because you are so adorable, though, I forgive you.


I'm going to use this face the next time I break the photocopier at work. Better yet, I'll get this photo printed on business cards to hand out or mail after committing social blunders. I'll also make a set for Phil so that he can formally apologize for all of the terrible things he did and said at dinner last Monday.

Mrs. Kemp

I feel obligated to report that Rihanna has officially stated that she is dating Matt Kemp. She was in the stands yesterday at the Dodgers game, and I couldn't help but admire her baseball-cheering style in these photos. She looks so cool!!!

I thought maybe she was trying to keep a low profile. I wonder if that's an Alyssa Milano hoodie; for some reason, I kind of hope not. And while that looks like some simple white t-shirt, I'll bet you the price tag has three digits. Or maybe it's a Hanes tshirt that just looks really awesome because it's Rihanna and that's the way it is. Anyway, I love all her accessories.

She doesn't look like she cares about low profiles here. This must be when Kemp hit a home run.

I love her makeup! Though I don't really have the proper eyelids to showcase eyeshadow or liner like RiRi, I thought about doing this for other teams, but then I realized the White Sox don't really have colors. Maybe I can throw some green in for Southpaw.

The last image is by Getty. I couldn't find a watermark-free version so I had to take a screengrab from the British MTV's site. I seriously considered BUYING the photo from Getty's website, but the pricing was complicated and when I tried to navigate it, they said they were gonna charge $164 or something. Ha! Please, this is the Internet.

Today We Remembered the Things We Went Crazy About Last Year

A-Rod, so evil, so well moisturized. Those diamonds really bring out the green in your eyes, Alex.


You're probably really tired of me telling you who won the World Series last year. It wasn't the Angels. Matsui got traded this winter.


Of course Derek Jeter hit a home run on Yankee Stadium Opening Day! Here's a photo of him hitting a single.


Guess who else hit a home run this afternoon? Beardless Casey Blake! Maybe it's time to reset the counter. Or should we just start this year at 18 and go up from there? THE PAST IS ALWAYS WITH US.

Please, please, please, for the love of Iowa, cover that chin. Joe Torre, is this your doing?

More Opening Day Memories

Jenni's Opening Day Memories were quite inspiring, so I thought I'd share some of my own through photos I've saved from Yahoo's photo gallery. These photos are not related to the actual playing of baseball. To be honest, I'm kind of overwhelmed by the start of baseball and managing four fantasy leagues (two of which are daily), so my thoughts are quite disorganized and more incoherent than usual. It appears that I'm also coming down with a bug of sorts, which may have added to the frenzy. Jenni and I are twins, after all--though I have yet to take black capsule pills to get better. Anyway, here are my favorite images from Opening Day and some rambling commentary.

Pedro looks so happy.

I don't know much about this tradition of singing Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" at sporting events, but I do know that Puck sang it to Rachel on "Glee." I was incredibly pleased to hear Diamond singing it live at the game during the radio broadcast of the Yankees vs. Red Sox game.

I like the use of quotes on the guy's sweatshirt.

LOS METS! It's telling that the guy's hand is totally obscuring Jose Reyes. Let's hope he has a good, healthy return tomorrow. Los Mets can't be competing for second-to-last place against the Nationals. That's just too sad.

Are those CRUSTACEANS on the grill? What?

I don't like the Cubs, but damn, I felt really sorry for them when Jason Heyward did the MASHY on Zambrano. Jenni sent me this good article about Heyward. When the Braves come to Wrigley, I'll be sure to hide the car by going somewhere on the south side. Lawrence's Fisheries, anyone?

The caption for this photo read something like, "A band performs at the Kansas City Royals game." A BAND.

Here are the Royals dancers. I wish the girls in the front would be a little more coordinated.

Yeah BOSS DALEY! Who runs the best city in the world? A White Sox fan.

Best mascot ever. This image fills me with hope--not for the White Sox, not for baseball, but for humanity. THIS IS BEYOND BASEBALL.

Bonus image from MLB.TV: a nice view of Chone Figgin's head.

Bonus images (or penalty images, depending on your disposition towards the Marlins) for the Marlins' home opener (I realize there are many home openers that were not on Opening Day, but in my being overwhelmed, and in Yahoo not having photographic records of all home openers, this is what I have so far):

MERMAIDS!

Jenni also had sent me this article about Hanely Ramirez's necklace. There were no images of the necklace itself, so I was very glad to see this picture. I appreciate the photographer using the flash so we can all get a glimpse of the teal diamond as a decimal point.

This is really a penalty image; sorry. Creed's singer, Scott Something, sang the national anthem at the Marlins' home opener tonight. Do I need to say that the Dodgers beat the Marlins, 7-3? The Fish are doomed ￣︿￣

More rambling reports form my frazzled but excited brain to come!

A's Fans

I love these kids. Somehow they seem so American. I want to help them acquire Kurt Suzuki cards and autos and chauffeur them to and from A's games in a Honda Odyssey.

Cole Hamels is Okay!

Because the Yankees are enjoying a temporary reprieve from facing the Phillies in the World Series (Yanks beat Phils in 5 games, World Series 2010, I'm calling it now), I'm allowing myself to be slightly more objective about the Phillies lineup. While I will probably always hate Jayson Werth for the emotional turmoil he put me through last Fantasy season, I can now admit that Chutley is charming (even with the hair gel) and that Jimmy Rollins's shoe commercials are funny-ish.


Of course, I've loved/feared Roy Halladay since the beginning of my baseball fandom, when he still played for the Toronto Blue Jays. I love that he almost never smiles and, sadistically, I kind of love the way he so calmly and efficiently eliminates Yankee hitters. That said, I love him even more now that he plays in the NL East. Did you see what he did to the Nationals? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'LL DO TO THE METS? He's a supernatural force like Death. Loving him just makes sense.

For less explicable reasons, I'm also really high on Cole Hamels this year. In fact, I went out of my way to draft him in both of my Fantasy leagues. He looks vaguely like a CK One model and is married to a former cast member of Survivor. I hope that my faith in him is founded on more than just those two things. But who knows!

Anyway, it was with mild anxiety that I watched Cole Hamels start his first game tonight. I didn't think he'd be awful, but I wasn't sure he'd be great. And in fact, he wasn't. He was, you know, fine. Better than adequate. Supremely okay. I made up a song about him in the shower after the game:

You didn't do great,
But you did o-kay!
Cole Hamels,
Thanks for being okay!

Hahahahaha. I sang it five or six times with different verses. Hey Cole Hamels, tonight you were OKAY! Pitch six innings next time and I may upgrade you to PRETTY GOOD. I think you can do it!

A King Dethroned?

Is A.J. Burnett still the ugliest Yankee?

Welcome back to New York, Nick Johnson.

One more quick question: does Dustin Pedroia still look like a rodent?



YES, AND HE ALWAYS WILL.

Opening Day Memories

I thought about baseball so much this weekend that my brain caught on fire and I had to stay home from work with a fever today. Never fear...I went to my doctor and she gave me a bottle of BLACK CAPSULE PILLS to take twice daily, so it's likely that no permanent damage will occur. The upside of spending all of yesterday in a sickly haze is that I watched large segments of five different opening day games, as well as the Duke v. Butler game and Sunday night's Yankees-Red Sox beat down. Here are some highlights (in roughly chronological order):

1. BASEBALL STARTS....


2. ...hi Derek Jeter!!!!!!!


I was unhappy that the Yankees lost to the Red Sox on Sunday night. Red Sox fan Reid texted me on Monday morning to ask, "Are the Yankees going to win any games this year? Sure doesn't look like it now." To which I could only respond, "Yeah, probably only 103 like last year, starting some time in late May." It's important to remember that every team in the Major Leagues lost at least 59 games last year...that's a lot of losing!!!

3. Obama in the booth at the Phillies-Nationals game:

Obama threw his pitch high and outside, then he got in the booth and made fun of the Chicago Cubs. You can watch the video on MLB.tv, or you can just read the funniest part, which I transcribed below.

"The nice thing about the Sox is that it's a real blue collar baseball team. We always tease about the Cubs that they're up at Wrigley, sipping wine, playing day games...they're having a good time."

At first, I thought that it was rude of Obama to wear a White Sox hat while pitching for the Nationals, especially since the Nats are awful and need as much fan love as possible. But then I was reminded that the most important thing in baseball-- even beyond not making losers feel bad about being losers-- is being true to your team. This is why I will wear a Yankees hat when I'm inevitably asked to throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the I-Cubs.

4. Roy Halladay Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 12 strikeouts, 1.29 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and he got a single!

5. Mark Buehrle Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 3 strikeouts, 0.00 ERA, 0.57 WHIP...AND HE MADE THE DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE CENTURY!! You might not be able to imagine it from the above photo, but Mark Buehrle is a total babe. These posts from the archive prove it.

6. Hi Johnny Damon!

I like him so much more now that he's on the Tigers. I don't know why.

7. Did Kung Fu Panda gain or lose weight?

San Fransisco fan MBW said that the panda looked larger than last year. But the New York Times claims that he's lost weight. You can read more about his diet, OPERATION PANDA, here. Mom's special lasagna...hahahahaha.

8. HI GRIFFEY!!!!

What's up, friend? Nice double. Don't get injured! We love you.

New Beginnings

Last year, it took 213 days to get here:


ARE YOU READY TO DO IT AGAIN? Yankees v. Red Sox, tomorrow at 8:05pm.

Life is Hard

From Albert to Zito

For the second year in a row, I was granted first draft pick in one of my Fantasy Baseball leagues. This time, I didn't spend it on possible sports brother Grady Sizemore. Instead, I did something rational and chose Albert Pujols.

He's like the Derek Jeter of the Midwest, except better at baseball and younger and taller and heavier and exponentially more powerful. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he has a winning spirit and a good heart. If you disbelieve me, you can read this Sports Illustrated article. Don't do it at work, though, because you'll probably start crying when it gets to the part where he's 18 years old and working in a pizzeria to support his 21-year-old girlfriend and her baby daughter who has Down's syndrome and then they get married and go on their honeymoon to Peoria, IL.

Anyway, a Mariner's fan took Ken Griffey Jr. in the middle of the draft, so I had to scramble for an adequately symbolic last pick. I would have taken the now-retired Normal Garciaparra-Kolenik, but HE GOT DRAFTED, TOO. I guess I'm happy enough with my selection:


BARRY ZITO IS SO FAUX GROOVY. Remember when he had Twitter? Hahahahaha. In the bottom photo, what song is he thinking about playing and, in the top photo, is he on LSD?

Brothers in Sport and Song

The thing I like most about football is star quarterback Peyton Manning of the Indianapolis Colts, and one of the things I like most about Peyton Manning is that he has a younger brother who is also a star* quarterback on a team that wears most of the same colors as the Indianapolis Colts.
(*By "star" I mean "appeared in a series of Toyota commercials that may or may not have aired outside of the Tri-state area.")

While I like all configurations of sports families (Griffey and Griffey Jr. and Griffey, C., for example), I REALLY LIKE sports brothers. In fact, the ONLY thing I like about B.J. Upton is his brother Justin. So, when baseball commentators began talking about Detroit Tigers prospect Scott Sizemore this spring, I automatically wanted to believe that he was the younger brother of Cleveland outfielder Grady Sizemore.

Shared trait: Crooked grins

Although I can't find any proof on the internet that Sizemore and Sizemore are brothers, I also can't find any websites that specifically say that they aren't.

Shared Trait: Bad running faces

If Scott Sizemore were exceptionally ugly, it would be easier for me to accept that the two Sizemores aren't genetically linked. Does it follow, then, that Scott Sizemore's serviceably standard looks can be used as further evidence that he and Grady are related?

God, obviously not. Didn't you take logic in high school?

Sports Feelings

I'm working with a credible source/my friend Sam (not Weber) on a multifaceted exploration of why baseball players and fans have such obnoxious taste in music. Until then, please suspend your critical faculties for 4 minutes and 47 seconds while you enjoy this beautiful Ken Griffey Jr. highlight reel. SPORTS FEELINGS.

I Saw the Sign

I absentmindedly paused Game 6 of the 2009 World Series to make dinner and when I came back to my computer, this is what was on the screen:

If you haven't watched the World Series multiple times, you might not know that this is an image of crazy Joba Chamberlain striking out Phillies outfielder Ben Francisco so hard that stars appeared. Never mind that Fox Trax says it's a ball. Do you think that this means that Joba will finally have his BREAKOUT year as the Yankees' fifth starting pitcher?

Personally, I prefer the equally unpredictable Phil Hughes because I think he looks like a movie star:

Also, he's able to breathe with his mouth closed while he pitches. That's class.