All of the Feelings I've Ever Had About Dan Haren Made Public to the Internet

Transcription of an email conversation dated August 5th, 2009

MBW: You'd make a cute couple, you and Dan Haren.
JCW: Me and Dan more so than other players that have appeared on the blog? Just out of curiosity.
MBW: Yeah-- I see that having more of a future than anything else.
JCW: It's the beard and the unkempt hair, isn't it?
MBW: And I can see the two of you enjoying the quiet times better than most.
JCW: Good, give him my number the next time you're in AZ, please.
MBW: Will do. He's a friend of a friend.


And so, for almost a year, I've been secretly waiting for Dan Haren to call me and even more secretly imagining our blissfully quiet future of desert sunsets, endless AriZona Iced Teas and walks amongst the blossoming cacti. Nevermind that Haren didn't make either of my two 2009 Top Ten Favorite Player lists. When an ex-boyfriend declares someone your baseball soulmate, you have to listen. I mean, who knows you better? Who else has the optimization of your personal happiness so clearly at the forefront of his possibly guilt-ridden brain?

Okay, I'm lying. I hadn't really thought much about Dan Haren until last week, when the Yankees were rumored to be negotiating a trade to help tide the temporary loss of Andy Pettitte (groin). At first, I thought it'd be nice for him to come to New York because 1) he would raise the general attractiveness of the Yankees and 2) I remembered that Matt had promised to give him my phone number. But then I thought about this and reconsidered:

As much as I want the Yankees to buy every famous player in the Major and Minor Leagues, Dan Haren wouldn't be a good fit for New York. That said, hearing that he'd had been traded to the Angels over the weekend made me really angry. THE ANGELS? That team is as corporate and boring and evil as the Yankees but without the tremendous benefit of being the Yankees. I hate the Angels! Dan Haren should be somewhere where he can feel at peace with the universe...like on the bench next to transcendental Barry Zito and slacker Tim Lincecum or wandering aimlessly through the canyons of the Southwest as a free-spirited free agent.

I have nothing more to say about this topic. These are all of the feelings I've ever had about Dan Haren and now they are here on the internet forever.

All Star 2010 Home Run Derby

Miguel Cabrera looks so cool in this picture.

A string of good news: Justin Morneau's back is eating away at his soul so he has become unable to participate in the All-Star game. That means MIGGY will start 1B for the AL, and PAULIE steps up as reserve. (At least I think this is how it works.) I've never really cared too much about the All-Star game. Last year, it made me kind of sad because it meant that baseball season is halfway over, which means that summer is halfway over, which means that my break is halfway over, which means basically life is downhill from here until next spring. I also normally don't care about the AL-NL rivalry, and don't care about how it determines the home field advantage of the World Series. But with Miggy in the starting lineup for the AL, I could give a Twinkie about the NL. And I'll definitely be watching Miggy mashing away tonight. MLB took Vanessa Williams' advice and are SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST! MASH MIGGY MASH!

#VotePK #VoteCarGo

Today is the last day of the 2010 All-Star Game Final Vote! MLB.com reports that Nick Swisher and Kevin Youkilis are more or less tied for the AL Final Vote, with Paul Konerko in third. This is a travesty. While I'm all about Nick Swisher and his vibrant personality, PAULIE IS CAPTAIN. Not just of the White Sox, but of Life. So I've decided to spend all day today voting for Paulie, even though realistically, I should be voting against Disgustingilis by voting for Swisher. I'm sure the Yankees fans are going to take care of that; hopefully Youkilis' failing ankle will keep him behind.

On the NL front, Joey Votto leads. I read some tweets about how he should've been selected in the first place for his contributions to the Reds' surprising success thus far. But again: travesty. We all know Carlos Gonzalez is the true hero of our epoch! He mashes the ball despite being mildly injured on and off the season. Also, he was in my dreams last night. Mordecai and I hung out with him all night long, and CarGo was a total pothead. I was really concerned for his tests and considered talking to him about it, but he had such a pleasant personality that I didn't feel like bringing it up.

So, if you're by a computer with internet, and you have time on your hands today, #VotePK, #VoteCarGo, and #VoteOften!!!

Celestial Stars

Allen & Ginter made astrology cards for their 2010 baseball series. This Jeter card costs $60 on eBay!

You can bid on this set of minis for $379.99 or buy it now for $439.99. Alternatively, you could read and re-read and re-re-read this post about Barry Zito on the outdated but official MLB Astrology blog. Is the MLB looking for a new astrologer? If so, I could be a couple of online courses away from a career change....