A No Longer Breaking, but Still Upsetting Hair Alert: Cole Hamels's Goatee Part III

Yes, Cole Hamels still has his goatee. Moreover, Cole Hamels's goatee has a chatty twitter account. Here's an iPhone photo I took of a professional photograph, followed by something clever I thought to do while trolling the internet for more professional photographs of Cole Hamels's goatee:

ENLARGE IT. They're twins. Cole won another game today. I'm not crediting the goatee. He's just good at baseball.

All of the Feelings I've Ever Had About Dan Haren Made Public to the Internet

Transcription of an email conversation dated August 5th, 2009

MBW: You'd make a cute couple, you and Dan Haren.
JCW: Me and Dan more so than other players that have appeared on the blog? Just out of curiosity.
MBW: Yeah-- I see that having more of a future than anything else.
JCW: It's the beard and the unkempt hair, isn't it?
MBW: And I can see the two of you enjoying the quiet times better than most.
JCW: Good, give him my number the next time you're in AZ, please.
MBW: Will do. He's a friend of a friend.


And so, for almost a year, I've been secretly waiting for Dan Haren to call me and even more secretly imagining our blissfully quiet future of desert sunsets, endless AriZona Iced Teas and walks amongst the blossoming cacti. Nevermind that Haren didn't make either of my two 2009 Top Ten Favorite Player lists. When an ex-boyfriend declares someone your baseball soulmate, you have to listen. I mean, who knows you better? Who else has the optimization of your personal happiness so clearly at the forefront of his possibly guilt-ridden brain?

Okay, I'm lying. I hadn't really thought much about Dan Haren until last week, when the Yankees were rumored to be negotiating a trade to help tide the temporary loss of Andy Pettitte (groin). At first, I thought it'd be nice for him to come to New York because 1) he would raise the general attractiveness of the Yankees and 2) I remembered that Matt had promised to give him my phone number. But then I thought about this and reconsidered:

As much as I want the Yankees to buy every famous player in the Major and Minor Leagues, Dan Haren wouldn't be a good fit for New York. That said, hearing that he'd had been traded to the Angels over the weekend made me really angry. THE ANGELS? That team is as corporate and boring and evil as the Yankees but without the tremendous benefit of being the Yankees. I hate the Angels! Dan Haren should be somewhere where he can feel at peace with the universe...like on the bench next to transcendental Barry Zito and slacker Tim Lincecum or wandering aimlessly through the canyons of the Southwest as a free-spirited free agent.

I have nothing more to say about this topic. These are all of the feelings I've ever had about Dan Haren and now they are here on the internet forever.

Anxiety in the AL East

It's August. The frivolity of the All-Star Break has come and gone, as has the frenzied deal-making surrounding last Friday's trade deadline. While the rest of us make plans to fritter away our summers at beach houses and margarita bars, Major League baseball teams are preparing to plunge helmet-first into what promises to be a very exciting pennant race. This is an especially charged week for MLB's power division, as tonight sees the Yanks in Toronto and the Red Sox in Tampa Bay. Then, on Thursday the Sox invade the Bronx to try and extend their complete dominance of our beloved Bombers. With the Yankees just .5 games ahead of the Red Sox and the Red Sox 5 games ahead of the Rays and the Rays 6.5 games ahead of the Blue Jays, a lot of ground stands to be won. As of this writing, it's the Yankees division to lose, but, well, when it comes to Doc Halladay and the Red Sox...losing's just sort of the norm.

Roy Halladay: Yankee killer, Fantasy saviour

A Halladay start is the only thing that ever tempts me to cheer against the Yankees. There's something terrifyingly sublime about his ability to drain all power from their otherwise formidable lineup. Smart people don't root against the supernatural.

And so, should tonight succumb to the tide of history, spitting our Yanks on the opposite shore of victory, my sadness will be bouyed by understanding and dignity. The same cannot be said of this weekend's series against the Red Sox. Seriously, boys, don't you think it's time we won a few?

"In our culture, we kill and eat our young."

Of course we should and I think we could, but that doesn't mean we will. And, if we don't it's going to be one depressing weekend.

But enough of all that, for now. It's come to my attention that readers would occasionally like to know about people who neither Yankees nor Dodgers nor Grady Sizemore. Go figure. So, from this point forward, I'm going to try and include a photo of a previously under-recognized player to the end of every blog post. To kick things off, here's current hot arm and non-douchey D'back, Dan Haren.




Dude must feel pretty good knowing that he can retire from baseball and go straight into a lucrative career of tending bars in Williamsburg.