A 2014 Cole Hamels Hair Update

Another year has passed, another summer has ended. After many, many long months of being completely fixated on dogs (my dog specifically, but all of the dogs in the world additionally), I've been trying to reconnect with the things that I loved before I loved only dogs, i.e. baseball, fantasy baseball, football, fantasy football and Bill Simmons.  It's been pretty good so far, despite my baseball thoughts being dominated by fretting over when I'll see Derek Jeter for the last time and why there are Snoopy dolls in the Mets Team Store. This morning, however, I pushed the anxiety aside to indulge in another of my all-time favorite baseball hobbies: taking blurry MLB.tv photos of Cole Hamels on my iPhone.

Congratulations on your combined no-hitter, Cole! Are you wearing that titanium-infused necklace for style or for POWER?

While these photos testify to the fact that Cole Hamels does know how to smile, they don't provide any information about the current state of his hair. To save you the trouble of asking Google (don't bother asking Siri, she only wants to talk about Heidi Hamels' hair), here are some 2014 Cole Hamels Hair Updates:

So, basically, nothing new to report. Although I guess I missed a mustache phase in 2013:

via ...but I'd say more AMAZING than EMBARRASSING.

Yes, I found this by Googling "Cole Hamels dog 2014."  And no, there weren't any new photos of Cole carrying his dog around in a back pack.  

People love using the internet to read about other people's hair.

Eric Hosmer has only been in the big leagues for 74 days, but he's already gone deep into the world of professional sports hairstyles. He reminds me of Ian Kinsler, who made my Top Ten back in 2009. I'm not sure if either Hosmer or Kinsler would make the list now (I'll make one soon, I promise), but I do really like how they both always seem to be in the middle of thinking up mean nicknames for their teammates.


Cole Hamels is back to getting flattened by the Mets and having facial stubble. I wonder if he gets too tired to shave or if he just likes trying new looks.

I don't have any other hair information, so here are two funny photos I found in the Yahoo! MLB Photo Gallery:

Top: Adam Jones, Nice Dive
Bottom: I love seeing things like this.

If these photos aren't satisfying to you, please continue to read about baseball mustaches, here.

Evan Longoria's Hair, The Sequel

I got pretty excited when I read this last night:

Evan Longoria's hair is the reason 75% of all readers arrive at this blog. I watched the Rays game for five minutes, hoping that he would give an in-game-dugout interview or that his batting helmet would fall off, but this is the best photo I got:

Luckily, other bloggers are more dedicated to cause:

You should click on that link to see Matt Joyce's stoned-poodle haircut. I've picked him up and dropped him multiple times in both of my Fantasy Leagues. He may be off the teams for good, now that I know what he looks like.

As for Evan, I like the long hair better.

A No Longer Breaking, but Still Upsetting Hair Alert: Cole Hamels's Goatee Part III

Yes, Cole Hamels still has his goatee. Moreover, Cole Hamels's goatee has a chatty twitter account. Here's an iPhone photo I took of a professional photograph, followed by something clever I thought to do while trolling the internet for more professional photographs of Cole Hamels's goatee:

ENLARGE IT. They're twins. Cole won another game today. I'm not crediting the goatee. He's just good at baseball.

Evan Longoria's Hair

I don't want to talk about Evan Longoria's strained left oblique. I want to talk about his hair.

This mullet of free spirited curls isn't that bad when he keeps his hat on, especially considering this look:

Or this one:

Or this one:

APRIL FOOL'S! That's Johnny Damon. Did you see him fall down in left field the other day?

World Series Game 5

Scary. Scarier.

World Series Game 5: Chutley's Hair Goes Double Deep
Phillies 8, Yankees 6
Yankees lead series 3-2
W:Lee (2-0)
L: Burnett (1-1)
S: Madson (1)

HR:PHI Utlet 2 (5!!!), Ibanez (1)

Philadelphia must be the land of bizarre hairstyles:

1. Chase Utley (see above). Thanks very much to Kei (and Yahoo!) for telling me that Chutley uses L.A. Looks hair gel to achieve that immobile cascade of oily waves. Do I hate Chutley? Not yet. But ask me again on Thursday.

2. Phanatic and Phanatic Jr. (see below) I'm not sure if the new Phanatic is a son or a girlfriend or a daughter or a cousin or something un-familial to the old Phanatic, but unlike the adorable South Paw of the White Sox, these scraggly green Phillies mascots could use some serious grooming. Ugh. So creepy.


3. Chan Ho Park (see below). BEARDED ASIAN!

4. Jayson Werth (unpictured). Enough, enough, enough about Jayson Werth. My loathing for him has short-circuited my brain. I just can't take it anymore.

Anyway, if you've been wondering where George W. Bush has been since Obama took office, I finally have an answer for you:

HE'S IN JAPAN PITCHING FOR THE YOMIURI GIANTS! Sweet move, dude.

Mag and Vlad's Summer Dos

Vladdy Guerrero and Magglio Ordonez got haircuts! The Chicago Tribune is calling Mag's the "Reverse Samson." The Midwest is so religious.

Vladdy Before and After...less hair, same smile

Mag Before and After...he looks pretty chic now, no?

While Ordonez hasn't yet received a power boost from his lost locks, Vladdy broke his home run drought with a two-run shot in the 2nd inning. Maybe Manny should follow suit?

Chimps and Chumps

This Sunday, the New York Times ran an article reminding us that, while chimpanzees are NOT humans, they might as well be. Of Travis the Chimp's (R.I.P.) bougie Connecticut lifestyle, we learn that:

"[He] enjoyed a nice steak dinner, washed down with a glass of wine. He knew how to log on to a computer and to channel-surf with a television remote control. He followed baseball, if you can believe Mrs. Herold, and briefly rooted for the Mets while Bobby Valentine, a Stamford native, was manager, and then switched to the Yankees. He liked to watch “anything with action,” Mrs. Herold said."

He liked the Yankees and HE KNEW HOW TO USE THE INTERNET! As follows, perhaps it was Sam's insulting post on fellow ape-man Johnny Damon that inspired poor Travis's brutal rampage. Here's an artist's rendition of the Johnny and Travis hanging out in more peaceful times (also from the Times; notice how Travis affectionately ribs his friend by wearing a Mets hat as a joke):

Oh Johnny, we've been unkind in the past, but truly we mourn your loss. You and your evolutionary family are in our thoughts and prayers. It's been a rough month for you, hasn't it?