Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Missing Link

When I think about Johnny 'Neanderthal' Damon's old facial hair I'm not filled with longing like I am when I see Casey Blake's sharp-as-a-razor-blade growth. Instead, I try to imagine how this half-ape, half-man managed to live as a long as he did without the world uncovering his true, beast-like form.

Now I know, you may think that I am being a little hard on the guy... besides Derek Jeter, Damon is probably the most attractive baseball player a lot of non-baseball fans can think of. I've witnessed this phenomenon myself! But the truth is, when Damon let that mange on his head and face revert to its natural state, his image was seared into our brains. Believe me, no amount of shaving or pinstripe wearing is going to obscure that image!

The truth is Damon kind of blew it. He probably could have stayed in Boston as an overrated lead-off hitter and the adoring (read: awful) fans of the Red Sox would have just playfully teased him about Geico or something. Instead, Damon made the jump down to New York where Steinbrenner (read: awful) apparently has some sort of fatwa against facial hair. Now when I see clean-cut Damon it's like Michael J. Fox in Teenwolf, a confused yet vulnerable beast waiting for the moment when he can sneak a couple moments alone to force all that body hair out!

I mean look at those features! Who does he think he's fooling? And are those frosted tips! I don't care how hot the internet says his wife is, Johnny Damon is not attractive.


  1. I watched my first televised Yankees game at Matt Woolsey's house. When Johnny Damon came up to bat, Matt said something like, "I hate that no-good, pretty boy, cry-baby," and the sentiment has stuck. I ALSO STRONGLY DISLIKE JOHNNY DAMON AND DO NOT THINK HE'S HOT. Good call, Sam!

  2. Love him! He looks like a man! A real man! Like someone that can kick some ass and fuck you up with a baseball bat really badly and laugh at you while you're down and hurting. The scruffier the better! Someone should make him more thugged out. I was devastated when he had to clean up for the Yankees. Lameeeee!!!!!