Monday, November 30, 2009

MLB MVP? We'll Pass...

Congratulations to Derek Jeter for being the first-ever Yankee to win Sport's Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year award.

Here is a history of Derek Jeter articles in Sport's Illustrated, as well as two photos of him with his mouth open. Also on the SI website, a slide show of Jeter covers.

Have I told you about my new project "Sports Buddies?" It's a screenplay about two sports buddies named Derek Jeter and...

...Peyton Manning.

Commiserations to Grady Sizemore for...I don't want to get into it. WHAT HAPPENED TO MEETING GIRLS IN BOOK STORES, GRADY?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Happy Birthday, Mariano!

He's 40! I love him.

Monday, November 23, 2009

What's a Joe Mauer?

Congratulations to Minnesotan Joe Mauer for winning this year's AL MVP award! Mauer received 27 of 28 first-place votes from the Baseball Writer's Association of America. The lone dissenter voted for Miguel Cabrera. While the world may never know who dared to snub the universally beloved Twinkie catcher, I have my suspicions....

My computer won't let me upload a photo of Joe Mauer. Could my radiant aura of Jeter fidelity be causing this mechanical malfunction? Okay, fine, let's not get mystical. It won't let me upload ANY photos. So, for now, those who don't already know will just have to wonder...WHAT'S A JOE MAUER? (wording via)

Sorry for being remiss in my awards blogging. It's kind of pointless to do it without pictures. But as a placeholder:


[photo of awkwardly flexible young white dude in a Tony Hawk for PS2-esque outfit getting arrested on marijuana charges and subsequently lauded by the entire city of San nutty hippies]


Psyche! He didn't win this award! [intense close-up photo of Zack Greinke looking deep into your soul and disapproving strongly of its contents]


blah blah blah Derek Jeter blah blah


[photo of some dude][photo of some dude][photo of some dude][photo of some dude] [photo of some dude]

Wow, this may be the rudest thing I've ever done to the internet! A sincere celebratory post with pictures forthcoming, I promise.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Gold Gloves (Subtitled: I Am Already Sick of People Complaining About Post-Season Awards)

Listen, Derek Jeter deserves to win this year's MVP award and nothing anyone can say-- including "Derek Jeter didn't win this year's MVP award"-- will ever make me think otherwise. Some people may call this willful ignorance or delusional idiocy. I call it incorruptible love for the most better-than-average baseball player, most inspirational life captain and all-around most important protector of universal sports happiness ever to exist in 2009, which is hands down the best kind of love I know. So, even though the cover story of today's MLB homepage questions most of this year's Gold Glove recipients, I'm going to reject well-researched analysis, logical argument, and unbiased judgment and just congratulate everyone! Don't you dare ask me how this kind of emotional non-thinking meshes with my post-Marx-y book choices and subsequent political views! Because today is a day to say "well done, athletes! We love you unconditionally in an uncomfortably religious-seeming way."

Player, Position, Team:

Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees
Did you know that this blog produces three of the first ten images that appear if you Google the words "Mark Teixeira weird face?" Well, it's true! And the picture of Sam and I on our masthead is number one! Sam, aren't you proud to be the demi-symbol of Mark Teixeira's facial weirdness?

Placido Polanco, 2B, Detroit Tigers
I don't know who this is. Could Placido Polanco be the only non-blogged 2009 Gold Glove winner? I want to say yes, but it's possible that Kei covered him in one of her pro-Tiger raves.

Evan Longoria, 3B, Tampa Bay Rays
I can't wait until A-Rod's ever-inflating ego makes his head explode because then the Yankees will sign Evan Longoria.

Joe Mauer, C, Minnesota Twins
Not done acting like I hate Joe Mauer. No comment.

Torii Hunter, OF, Los Angeles Angels
This photo comes from a blog written by women that love baseball. Their blog appears to be much more informative and fact-centric than this blog.

Ichiro Suzuki, OF, Seattle Mariners
In my imagination, this is a photo of Ichiro trying to tell the moose a joke and the moose saying, "You need to take lessons in making sense," because that's how I feel 90% of the time and I like to think that Ichiro and I, despite our many obvious differences, have one important thing in common. That thing being, of course, that we both seek affirmation from talking animals only to suffer constant humiliation and rejection.

Adam Jones, OF, Baltimore Orioles
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I will give props to Sam for calling this one out, pre-season.

Mark Buehrle, P, Chicago White Sox
He is beyond adorable. What time is it, Mark? Perfect game time? Miller Lite o'clock? 1:40 in the afternoon?

Derek Jeter, SS, New York Yankees
I could go on and on and on about how great Derek Jeter is, but I'll be polite for once and write it in my diary instead. [cartoon heart][flower][cartoon heart][cat wearing a yankee hat]


1. Last year, Grady Sizemore won a Gold Glove.

2. Want to see another weird picture of Mark Teixeira? Of course you do!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Congratulations. Thank You. I Love You.

Please congratulate Hideki Matsui, your 2009 World Series MVP. And please congratulate the New York Yankees, your 2009 World Series Champions. I told you that this would happen back in February, and I'm telling you again now. WE DID IT! GO YANKEES! I LOVE BASEBALL!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

World Series Game 5

Scary. Scarier.

World Series Game 5: Chutley's Hair Goes Double Deep
Phillies 8, Yankees 6
Yankees lead series 3-2
W:Lee (2-0)
L: Burnett (1-1)
S: Madson (1)
HR:PHI Utlet 2 (5!!!), Ibanez (1)

Philadelphia must be the land of bizarre hairstyles:

1. Chase Utley (see above). Thanks very much to Kei (and Yahoo!) for telling me that Chutley uses L.A. Looks hair gel to achieve that immobile cascade of oily waves. Do I hate Chutley? Not yet. But ask me again on Thursday.

2. Phanatic and Phanatic Jr. (see below) I'm not sure if the new Phanatic is a son or a girlfriend or a daughter or a cousin or something un-familial to the old Phanatic, but unlike the adorable South Paw of the White Sox, these scraggly green Phillies mascots could use some serious grooming. Ugh. So creepy.

3. Chan Ho Park (see below).

4. Jayson Werth (unpictured). Enough, enough, enough about Jayson Werth. My loathing for him has short-circuited my brain. I just can't take it anymore.

Anyway, if you've been wondering where George W. Bush has been since Obama took office, I finally have an answer for you:


Monday, November 2, 2009

World Series Games 3 and 4

A-Rod rounds the bases as Hamel curses instant replay

World Series Game 3: The A-Monster Awakens
Yankees 8, Phillies 5
Yankees lead series 2-1
W:Pettitte (1-0)
L: Hamels (0-1)
HR: NYY Rodruigez (1), Matsui (2), Swisher (1)
PHI Werth 2 (2), Ruiz (1)

I missed most of this game, but it seems like it was really exciting. Six home runs! Double homers by soul-enemy Jayson Werth! Swisher and A-Rod finally stop sucking! And the Yankees win! Scroll back down through Saturday's prediction post and jot down the initials of everyone who picked the Phillies to win this one...then ask them how it feels to be WRONG.

Swisher sliding into home as only he could

I am sad, however, that Phil Hughes gave up that home run in relief. I just want him to do well and be proud of himself. But more than that, I want him to not pitch anymore this year. It's too risky and nerve-wracking. We can work on all of that self-confidence stuff next year.

World Series Game 4: Damon Running Wild!
Yankees 7, Phillies 4
Yankees lead series 3-1
W:Chamberlain (1-0)
L: Lidge (0-1)
HR: PHI Chutley (3), Feliz (1)

Before getting into any of the particulars of tonight's game, I'd like to reiterate how awful Chase Utley's hair looks. I think I'd even take Jayson Werth's facial hair over Chutley's greasy, back-swept mane, at this point. And that's really saying a lot.

Moving on...Johnny Damon shocked the nation by doing some genius base-running in the ninth. With the game tied 4-4 and the Yankees down to their final out of the inning, Damon singled off of Brad Lidge, then stole second AND third. The Philadelphia infield had over-shifted to accommodate Mark Teixeira, so no one was covering third base. Watching Damon outrun Feliz was amazing. Johnny Damon is old! After that, Teix got hit by a pitch, A-Rod doubled to score Damon and Posada singled to score Teix and A-Rod. Old-ass Jorge got tagged out trying to make it to second base...have you seen him try to run the bases? It's so comical and awful. After all of that, Mariano came and retired the Phillies in order and that's how we won the game.

Top: Joba gives up the tying run in the 8th (but still wins the game);
Middle: Damon THIRD BASE OR BUST! Go Johnny!;
Bottom: Teixeira hit by pitch

The Yanks are so lucky that A-Rod was able to come through tonight. Now, if only Robbie Cano would start hitting. Fox flashed a stat about his World Series average being something like .071, but he got a hit immediately after that. So maybe it's .091, now? Still. That's terrible. Here are three photos of Robbie looking even brattier than usual. WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, CANO?

Top: Chewing gum during God Bless America
Middle: Giving Jeter a fist?
Bottom: Getting swatted by C.C.

Aw, I love you anyway. Go Yankees! We could win it all tomorrow! And [sigh]