Extreme Feelings

The Phillies came to some sort of agreement with former Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon tonight, instantly making themselves the team that encapsulates the widest range of my baseball feelings. A photo essay follows.

The above photo is the #2 Google image result for "Cole Hamels ugly."
The first result had a watermark and therefore does not fit into the aesthetic landscape of this blog.

I'm not sure I believe that that's really Jonathan Papelbon. I mean, why would it and how could it be? Why and how? But, also, why not?

What's a Marcus Thames?

It's about half an hour after the end of tonight's epic Yankees-Red Sox game and "Papelbum" is the #3 local trending topic on Twitter. Why? Because he came into the ninth inning of a 7-9 game and gave up a 2-run home run to A-Rod. Then, he gave up a 2-out walk-off homer to Marcus Thames. WHAT'S A MARCUS THAMES? Kei, writing from Japan, was kind enough to inform me that Marcus Thames is a baseball player who used to work for the Tigers:

This is what Wikipedia has to say about Marcus Thames:

His nickname, "Slick", is the result of getting his hair cut too short when he was four years old.^[9]

What a strange way to get a nickname. Congratulations Yankees! See you again tomorrow! I hope Derek Jeter hits a grand slam.

Day 5: Weekend Sweeper Bonanaza

ALDS Game 3: See you next year, BoSox.

Angels 7, Red Sox 6

Angels win series in 3

W: Oliver (1-0)

L: Papelbon (0-1)

S: Fuentes (2)

HR: LAA Morales (1); BOS Drew (1)

It was a great baseball weekend for Los Angeles, with the Dodgers sweeping St. Louis on Saturday and the Angels stealing a jaw-dropping last-minute victory from the Red Sox to sweep their ALDS series at Fenway on Sunday.  Yo, Sam, your boy Vladdy did GREAT.  Jonathan Papelbon, who had previously kept his post-season ERA at  0.00, gave up three runs in the ninth to blow the BoSox's 6-4 lead. He was heartily booed off the field as a result.  Now, God and the internet both know that I'm not a Papelbon fan, but Boston that's rude.  Booing your own players when they're down?

Yeah, okay, I did it to A-Rod.  I'M SORRY.  I won't anymore. In public.  Okay, I won't. Period. (In public.) (I won't.) (I can't help it.) (Jenni, just don't.) I won't.

HEY A-ROD, GOOD WORK! WE LOVE YOU! (I'm trying)

ALDS Game 3: YANKS SWEEP! YOU KNEW THEY WOULD!

Yankees 4, Twins 1

Yankees win series in 3
W: Pettitte (1-0)

L: Pavano (0-1)

S: Rivera (1)

HR: NYY Rodruigez (2), Posada (1)

Go out and love, love, love everyone.

Woolsey made me go out to get pizza at the start of the 7th inning, so I missed BOTH Yankee home runs.  To be fair, he did send me real-time text updates as I was standing in line at "Not Ray's Pizza," and also taught me a lot about baseball throughout the course of the game.  We're even.  No hard feelings. Those are my two least favorite Yankees, anyway.

Ever the professional, DJ keeps his uniform tidy despite clubhouse distractions

It's not a big deal that the Yankees swept the Twins because the Twins barely made the playoffs.  That said, let's keep those good vibes rolling, team!

NLDS Game 3: Phillies win

Phillies 6, Rockies 5

Phillies lead series 2-1

W: Durbin (1-0)

L: Street (0-1)

S: Lidge

HR: PHI Chutley (1); COL Gonzalez (1)

 

Jayson Werth (28) is listed as being 6 feet 5 inches, but doesn't he look like a GIANT?  I guess it's because Jimmy Rollins (11) is 5'8?  I think I'm supposed to have feelings about Jimmy Rollins, but I don't.  Maybe later.

 

Uh, good work, I guess.  Will you please win your next game so that the Rockies will go away?

Younger than Jeter: The Generational

First comes love, then comes marriage (and honeymoons), then comes...BABIES! The only thing that ever makes me want to have children is the Little League World Series, which began yesterday and can be seen on a variety of television and internet outlets. Watching Team Japan cry after losing the 2007 Little League World Series championship game to Team U.S.A. is one of my dearest baseball memories. The kid with the glasses (see below)...that's an image I'm taking with me to the grave.

Of course there's crying in baseball!

Japanese kids are the cutest. Cute enough to make me like the Red Sox, despite my disdain for Dice-K and his horrible season (photo via Kei).

Non-Japanese kids are pretty cute, too. This photo of Jonathan Papelbon and his daughter Parker almost makes me sorry for all of the times I've called him a sociopath on this blog. (I'm not actually sorry because I'm pretty sure it's true.)

Now that the gap between the Red Sox and the Yankees is comfortably large, it's hard to really hate them. That would be like hating the Mets (i.e. petty). Let's extend this rare tide of good will by looking at some baby photos of current BoSoxians. This very thorough fan blog has lots, but I'll just give you Boston's best and worst looking players.

Tacoby, Pedroia...but you probably already knew that.

I own an entire book of Jeter kid photos, but this is the only one I can find on the internet:

HE'S THE COOLEST! Maybe someday, if I stop drinking, my future child will be as cool as Derek Jeter.

What the Eyes Reveal

Jonathan Papelbon is probably a sociopath.

This is Mark Teixeira's Angry Face

Last night, after being hit twice by errant balls from Rangers pitcher and former clubhouse foe Vicente Padilla, an angry Mark Teixeira scored verbal retribution by telling Yankees beat reporters that Padilla is "unprofessional." Here are two photos of Teixeira's on-field reaction, courtesy of the Post and the Daily News:



I would say that Mark Teixeira lacks the ability to emote facially, but I've definitely seen him open his mouth REALLY WIDE when happy. So, I don't know. Maybe he's a new kind of humanoid that only transmits straight-laced positive vibes...a law-bot prototype designed by corporations to combat the free-wheeling, free-love mayhem inherent to the impending Age of Aquarius. I mean, what would YOU do if someone threw a blazing fastball at your ass?

But because I've already promised not to overly mock Teixiera on this blog (and honestly, I do love the guy), I'll end by admitting that many baseball players make strange faces. Here are two of the league's best closers celebrating narrow wins. First, we have Man Mountain attempting to jump for joy after preserving the Dodgers' amazing 8th inning comeback against the D'backs:

Both heels off the ground! I love Jonathan Broxton! Go Dodgers! And here's Jonathan Papelbon after getting himself out of a bases-loaded 0-outs situation against the Tigers in the 9th:

So scary, so gross. He needs to learn to CLOSE HIS MOUTH. I hate Jonathan Papelbon! Boo Red Sox!