Friday, December 11, 2009


For the first time ever, the most commonly searched words leading to this blog are "Marx Teixeira weird face." I'M SO HAPPY!

Monday, November 30, 2009

MLB MVP? We'll Pass...

Congratulations to Derek Jeter for being the first-ever Yankee to win Sport's Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year award.

Here is a history of Derek Jeter articles in Sport's Illustrated, as well as two photos of him with his mouth open. Also on the SI website, a slide show of Jeter covers.

Have I told you about my new project "Sports Buddies?" It's a screenplay about two sports buddies named Derek Jeter and...

...Peyton Manning.

Commiserations to Grady Sizemore for...I don't want to get into it. WHAT HAPPENED TO MEETING GIRLS IN BOOK STORES, GRADY?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Happy Birthday, Mariano!

He's 40! I love him.

Monday, November 23, 2009

What's a Joe Mauer?

Congratulations to Minnesotan Joe Mauer for winning this year's AL MVP award! Mauer received 27 of 28 first-place votes from the Baseball Writer's Association of America. The lone dissenter voted for Miguel Cabrera. While the world may never know who dared to snub the universally beloved Twinkie catcher, I have my suspicions....

My computer won't let me upload a photo of Joe Mauer. Could my radiant aura of Jeter fidelity be causing this mechanical malfunction? Okay, fine, let's not get mystical. It won't let me upload ANY photos. So, for now, those who don't already know will just have to wonder...WHAT'S A JOE MAUER? (wording via)

Sorry for being remiss in my awards blogging. It's kind of pointless to do it without pictures. But as a placeholder:


[photo of awkwardly flexible young white dude in a Tony Hawk for PS2-esque outfit getting arrested on marijuana charges and subsequently lauded by the entire city of San nutty hippies]


Psyche! He didn't win this award! [intense close-up photo of Zack Greinke looking deep into your soul and disapproving strongly of its contents]


blah blah blah Derek Jeter blah blah


[photo of some dude][photo of some dude][photo of some dude][photo of some dude] [photo of some dude]

Wow, this may be the rudest thing I've ever done to the internet! A sincere celebratory post with pictures forthcoming, I promise.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Gold Gloves (Subtitled: I Am Already Sick of People Complaining About Post-Season Awards)

Listen, Derek Jeter deserves to win this year's MVP award and nothing anyone can say-- including "Derek Jeter didn't win this year's MVP award"-- will ever make me think otherwise. Some people may call this willful ignorance or delusional idiocy. I call it incorruptible love for the most better-than-average baseball player, most inspirational life captain and all-around most important protector of universal sports happiness ever to exist in 2009, which is hands down the best kind of love I know. So, even though the cover story of today's MLB homepage questions most of this year's Gold Glove recipients, I'm going to reject well-researched analysis, logical argument, and unbiased judgment and just congratulate everyone! Don't you dare ask me how this kind of emotional non-thinking meshes with my post-Marx-y book choices and subsequent political views! Because today is a day to say "well done, athletes! We love you unconditionally in an uncomfortably religious-seeming way."

Player, Position, Team:

Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees
Did you know that this blog produces three of the first ten images that appear if you Google the words "Mark Teixeira weird face?" Well, it's true! And the picture of Sam and I on our masthead is number one! Sam, aren't you proud to be the demi-symbol of Mark Teixeira's facial weirdness?

Placido Polanco, 2B, Detroit Tigers
I don't know who this is. Could Placido Polanco be the only non-blogged 2009 Gold Glove winner? I want to say yes, but it's possible that Kei covered him in one of her pro-Tiger raves.

Evan Longoria, 3B, Tampa Bay Rays
I can't wait until A-Rod's ever-inflating ego makes his head explode because then the Yankees will sign Evan Longoria.

Joe Mauer, C, Minnesota Twins
Not done acting like I hate Joe Mauer. No comment.

Torii Hunter, OF, Los Angeles Angels
This photo comes from a blog written by women that love baseball. Their blog appears to be much more informative and fact-centric than this blog.

Ichiro Suzuki, OF, Seattle Mariners
In my imagination, this is a photo of Ichiro trying to tell the moose a joke and the moose saying, "You need to take lessons in making sense," because that's how I feel 90% of the time and I like to think that Ichiro and I, despite our many obvious differences, have one important thing in common. That thing being, of course, that we both seek affirmation from talking animals only to suffer constant humiliation and rejection.

Adam Jones, OF, Baltimore Orioles
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I will give props to Sam for calling this one out, pre-season.

Mark Buehrle, P, Chicago White Sox
He is beyond adorable. What time is it, Mark? Perfect game time? Miller Lite o'clock? 1:40 in the afternoon?

Derek Jeter, SS, New York Yankees
I could go on and on and on about how great Derek Jeter is, but I'll be polite for once and write it in my diary instead. [cartoon heart][flower][cartoon heart][cat wearing a yankee hat]


1. Last year, Grady Sizemore won a Gold Glove.

2. Want to see another weird picture of Mark Teixeira? Of course you do!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Congratulations. Thank You. I Love You.

Please congratulate Hideki Matsui, your 2009 World Series MVP. And please congratulate the New York Yankees, your 2009 World Series Champions. I told you that this would happen back in February, and I'm telling you again now. WE DID IT! GO YANKEES! I LOVE BASEBALL!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

World Series Game 5

Scary. Scarier.

World Series Game 5: Chutley's Hair Goes Double Deep
Phillies 8, Yankees 6
Yankees lead series 3-2
W:Lee (2-0)
L: Burnett (1-1)
S: Madson (1)
HR:PHI Utlet 2 (5!!!), Ibanez (1)

Philadelphia must be the land of bizarre hairstyles:

1. Chase Utley (see above). Thanks very much to Kei (and Yahoo!) for telling me that Chutley uses L.A. Looks hair gel to achieve that immobile cascade of oily waves. Do I hate Chutley? Not yet. But ask me again on Thursday.

2. Phanatic and Phanatic Jr. (see below) I'm not sure if the new Phanatic is a son or a girlfriend or a daughter or a cousin or something un-familial to the old Phanatic, but unlike the adorable South Paw of the White Sox, these scraggly green Phillies mascots could use some serious grooming. Ugh. So creepy.

3. Chan Ho Park (see below).

4. Jayson Werth (unpictured). Enough, enough, enough about Jayson Werth. My loathing for him has short-circuited my brain. I just can't take it anymore.

Anyway, if you've been wondering where George W. Bush has been since Obama took office, I finally have an answer for you:


Monday, November 2, 2009

World Series Games 3 and 4

A-Rod rounds the bases as Hamel curses instant replay

World Series Game 3: The A-Monster Awakens
Yankees 8, Phillies 5
Yankees lead series 2-1
W:Pettitte (1-0)
L: Hamels (0-1)
HR: NYY Rodruigez (1), Matsui (2), Swisher (1)
PHI Werth 2 (2), Ruiz (1)

I missed most of this game, but it seems like it was really exciting. Six home runs! Double homers by soul-enemy Jayson Werth! Swisher and A-Rod finally stop sucking! And the Yankees win! Scroll back down through Saturday's prediction post and jot down the initials of everyone who picked the Phillies to win this one...then ask them how it feels to be WRONG.

Swisher sliding into home as only he could

I am sad, however, that Phil Hughes gave up that home run in relief. I just want him to do well and be proud of himself. But more than that, I want him to not pitch anymore this year. It's too risky and nerve-wracking. We can work on all of that self-confidence stuff next year.

World Series Game 4: Damon Running Wild!
Yankees 7, Phillies 4
Yankees lead series 3-1
W:Chamberlain (1-0)
L: Lidge (0-1)
HR: PHI Chutley (3), Feliz (1)

Before getting into any of the particulars of tonight's game, I'd like to reiterate how awful Chase Utley's hair looks. I think I'd even take Jayson Werth's facial hair over Chutley's greasy, back-swept mane, at this point. And that's really saying a lot.

Moving on...Johnny Damon shocked the nation by doing some genius base-running in the ninth. With the game tied 4-4 and the Yankees down to their final out of the inning, Damon singled off of Brad Lidge, then stole second AND third. The Philadelphia infield had over-shifted to accommodate Mark Teixeira, so no one was covering third base. Watching Damon outrun Feliz was amazing. Johnny Damon is old! After that, Teix got hit by a pitch, A-Rod doubled to score Damon and Posada singled to score Teix and A-Rod. Old-ass Jorge got tagged out trying to make it to second base...have you seen him try to run the bases? It's so comical and awful. After all of that, Mariano came and retired the Phillies in order and that's how we won the game.

Top: Joba gives up the tying run in the 8th (but still wins the game);
Middle: Damon THIRD BASE OR BUST! Go Johnny!;
Bottom: Teixeira hit by pitch

The Yanks are so lucky that A-Rod was able to come through tonight. Now, if only Robbie Cano would start hitting. Fox flashed a stat about his World Series average being something like .071, but he got a hit immediately after that. So maybe it's .091, now? Still. That's terrible. Here are three photos of Robbie looking even brattier than usual. WHAT'S YOUR DEAL, CANO?

Top: Chewing gum during God Bless America
Middle: Giving Jeter a fist?
Bottom: Getting swatted by C.C.

Aw, I love you anyway. Go Yankees! We could win it all tomorrow! And [sigh]

Friday, October 30, 2009


Yesterday, I asked some friends how they felt about tonight's game. Here are their answers in chronological order. Yankee believers are coded in blue; Phillie dreamers in red:

"I think the score will be 5-4, with the Yankees losing in middle relief. My foolproof lock prediction. though, is that if the temp drops below 50 degrees, A-Rod's lips will be a really gross purple color by the 6th inning." -N.O., Red Sox fan, baseball oracle [correctly predicted CC would lose Game 1 and that Pedro would give up three runs over six innings in Game 2.]

"I think the score will be Phils 2, Yanks 10 with Ryan Howard HBP (to the face) in the 2nd and out for the rest of the World Series. Teixeira solo HR in the 4th inning and maybe 5 RBIs for Jeter." -J.W., Yankees fan, baseball blogger

"My prediction is that Yanks win with a walk off winning double in the 9th, winning 4-3. Posada will hit the walk off double, A-Rod strikes out four times and Howard hits a homer in the 7th to tie the game 3-3." -R.M., Mets fan, fantasy football adviser

"Tomorrow's game will be uneventful and rather boring." -J.C., Dodgers fan, big hater

"Let's go Eagles! Hometown pride!! Cole Hamels is like a rich man's James van der Beek. And God loves Dawson's Creek." -P.L., Mike Schmidt fan, internet user

"Yankees will win 5-1 and Johnny Damon will hit a home run." -P.S., Yankees fan, future doctor

"I predict that for Halloween Cole Hamels will be Cole-Hamels-the-2008-World-
Series-MVP, and act accordingly. With superpowers:

'I could get some kind of vampire superpowers, you never know,' Phillies Game 3 starter Cole Hamels said Friday'
'Coke said he made a vow: 'I'm not going to be that guy who jumps out of his hedges and scares the crap out of some unsuspecting little kid. Because I remember what that was like, man. I wouldn't want to make a little kid cry like that. I bawled my eyes out. It messed me up good.'' (via )'
-M.S., Mets fan, fantasy baseball commissioner

"I'm sorry, but I'm too excited about the MASHUP* of my two biggest interests right now, Glee and baseball, to predict the outcome of the game. The Glee cast will be performing the national anthem tomorrow! I am going to a party dressed as Rachel Berry, but most people will probably just think I'm a Japanese schoolgirl.

I will say the the philosophy of physics professor/baseball fanatic in my graduate program is leaning towards the Yankees but with 'more than a little guilt about this.' However, today I saw one of his longtime grad students wearing a Phillies hat in his office. He (professor, not student) wrote to me: 'More than anything else about the World Series, though, I hope I live long enough to see the games on TV without having Tim McCarver among the broadcasters. He just annoys me.' None of this is helpful at all, but I thought I'd share it anyway." -K.H., White Sox/Tigers fan, fantasy baseball champion

*"A mashup is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression." --Mr. Schuester.

"The Yanks can't play Matsui in the outfield, but they'll try to because he had a home run the other night.

Playing real baseball and not American League ball will overwhelm Joe G. for at least one night when someone explains to him that he cant make his five million pitching changes and pinch running moves without making double switches or having pitchers hit.

He'll either do something like sub out Melky or Posada or wind up with Brett Gardner pitching an inning. So Molina or Jerry Hairston will wind up hitting in a critical spot and Joba will get stuck pitching to Ryan Howard, who will hit a ball 100 miles back to NYC.

In the Yankees last gasp, Jeter, getting excited about National Leage ball and moving runners over will try to bunt again, because he failed so badly the other night, and in turn take the bat out of the Yanks best hitter's hands. This will put runners in scoring position for A rod who will strike out or pop up.

In the post game Cole Hamels will say, without irony that he loves Philadelphia. He will one day sign with the Yankees." -M.B.W., Giants fan, ghostwriter

"I agree with Phil, the Eagles will win. And if I can hear Tim McCarver yelp as Jeter bunts with two strikes again the whole world series will have been worth it." -S.W., White Sox fan, baseball blogger?

"5-2 Phillies. Hamel pitches beautifully and Pettitte, with no drugs in his system, is more than hittable!" -H.D., Red Sox fan, Yankee hater

* * * *

This is what ESPN SportsNation thought as of 8pm last night:

Why is Alaska 85% certain that Cole Hamels is going to win tomorrow?

As for the paid experts, here are some World Series predictions that ESPN's baseball analysts made before Game 1. And here's a screen shot of what some ESPN baseball analysts look like:

If you don't want to read all of the predictions, let me tell you that 22 of the 24 analysts went with the Yanks in 5-7 games, with Karabell and Pedro Gomez both picking the Phillies in 6 games. Karabell, shut it. Pedro Gomez, I don't know who you are, but you shut it, too.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

World Series Game 2

Time and destiny have been out of sync this week. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys were supposed to perform yesterday, but then it rained. The Yankees were supposed to win yesterday, but then Cliff Lee pitched nine almost-shut-out innings. Did you know that he took TWO different trains to the game yesterday? Now that we're tied at one game apiece, it's okay for me to say this: I sort of love Cliff Lee. HE TOOK THE SUBWAY TO THE WORLD SERIES. And no one recognized him. Amazing.

Anyway, the thing about baseball is that yesterday is just yesterday and today can always be your day.

Here are some funny screen-shots of DJ and Mo watching "Empire State of Mind:"

Jeter's game face; Mariano Rivera awakened to the joys of non-Christan rap

And here's a photo of the Yankees celebrating their win:

Johnny Damon can't figure out why he's not high-fiving A-Rod. Well, Johnny, it's because A-Rod hasn't gotten a hit yet this series. I've come mostly around on A-Rod this month, but it's undeniable that that man has mental problems. Teixeira, on the other hand....

Hey there buddy, you hit a home run! Everything's going to be juuuussst fiiiine. Here's the box score:
World Series Game 2: The Empire Strike Back
Yankees 3, Phillies 1
Series tied 1-1
W:Burnett (1-0)
L: Martinez (0-1)
S: Rivera (1)
HR: NYY Teixeira (1), Matsui (1)

Jeter made a bad bunt late in the game, but he also turned this AWESOME double play:

AND he won the Roberto Clemente award for being the most outstanding human being in baseball. Just another day in the life of Derek Jeter.

I have enough joy in my heart to show the Phillies a bit more love on this blog. Here's Pedro Martinez as he exits in the seventh inning.

I've seen plenty of photos of guys giving it up for God after home runs and well-earned base hits, but it's unusually awesome to see a losing starting pitcher doing it after getting pulled from his game. Did you watch his press conference yesterday? New York, Jay-Z and Jeter be damned, Pedro Martinez just doesn't care what you think.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Postseason Banter

I miss this sight.

A couple of nights ago, in bed and on my iPhone, I watched a condensed Marlins game from May or June, in which Dan Uggla hit his 100th home run. I realized late in the season that the Florida announcers say of him every time he goes long, "And his name is DAN UGGLA!" One announcer starts the sentence and the other joins to say the name. I kind of fell in love with this tomfoolery*. It's reminiscent of Hawk's White Sox home run cheers, except Steve Stone doesn't join him for the "yes! yes! yes!" part like Darrin Jackson used to. Anyway, my point is that I miss the days where I had a choice of which crappy teams to fall asleep to in condensed game format.

I was hoping for a Freeway Series where LA would be the focus of the World Series. Initially, exhausted from fantasy drama, I wasn't interested in the postseason teams. But then I decided I had the most interest in the Angels because of Nick Adenhart. Alas, the World Series will be divided along the east coast, and as of now, I can only really root for individual players: Jenni's Cano, former White Sox Swisher, Japanese Matsui, CC "He's 300 pounds, he can pitch all day!"** Sabathia, and J-Rolls only because I saw adorable childhood photos in those "Beyond Baseball" commercials. But then it looks like I'm basically rooting for the Yankees, which I guess in a sense I am since I want to see many of them do well. But I also don't feel like I'm genuinely rooting for the entire team, either, which would be unfair--to the Yankees, real Yankees fans, my preferred teams, and so on. I think at this point I'm just thankful that baseball is still going on, even if it means setting Glee aside for two weeks.

Though, I will say in defense of the Yankees that accusations of them having "bought" the World Series are trite. The Yankees are the Kraft of baseball; I thought this was an obvious axiom in sports and it's so obnoxious that it comes up again and again, whether the Yankees win or lose. But along with those who are tired of seeing the Yankees succeed over the course of baseball history (or many of the same teams reappearing in postseasons as of late), I will say that I can't wait until some buster team blows up in the second half of a future season and surprise us all by taking the World Series. Pirates, Reds, Marlins anyone?

GO BASEBALL! And Jenni's awesome postseason journalism!

*"Right before Uggla's first season with Florida in 2006, the Marlins had a dinner/banquet function to introduce the players for the upcoming season (and to raise money). Upon introducing Uggla, the speaker mispronounced his name. Immediately, Dan's brother stood up from the back and shouted 'His name is Dan UGGLA!'" (sufficient source)
**Writing this phrase out doesn't do it justice. Please ask me in person to impersonate a man named Amit claiming, in a heated argument with Joe, that CC Sabathia is a better pitcher than Tim Lincecum and I will gladly comply.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Empire State of Mind

Let's hear it for New York, NEW YORK, NEW YORRRRRRRRRRK!!!!!!