Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Gold Gloves (Subtitled: I Am Already Sick of People Complaining About Post-Season Awards)

Listen, Derek Jeter deserves to win this year's MVP award and nothing anyone can say-- including "Derek Jeter didn't win this year's MVP award"-- will ever make me think otherwise. Some people may call this willful ignorance or delusional idiocy. I call it incorruptible love for the most better-than-average baseball player, most inspirational life captain and all-around most important protector of universal sports happiness ever to exist in 2009, which is hands down the best kind of love I know. So, even though the cover story of today's ESPN.com MLB homepage questions most of this year's Gold Glove recipients, I'm going to reject well-researched analysis, logical argument, and unbiased judgment and just congratulate everyone! Don't you dare ask me how this kind of emotional non-thinking meshes with my post-Marx-y book choices and subsequent political views! Because today is a day to say "well done, athletes! We love you unconditionally in an uncomfortably religious-seeming way."

Player, Position, Team:

Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees
Did you know that this blog produces three of the first ten images that appear if you Google the words "Mark Teixeira weird face?" Well, it's true! And the picture of Sam and I on our masthead is number one! Sam, aren't you proud to be the demi-symbol of Mark Teixeira's facial weirdness?

Placido Polanco, 2B, Detroit Tigers
I don't know who this is. Could Placido Polanco be the only non-blogged 2009 Gold Glove winner? I want to say yes, but it's possible that Kei covered him in one of her pro-Tiger raves.

Evan Longoria, 3B, Tampa Bay Rays
I can't wait until A-Rod's ever-inflating ego makes his head explode because then the Yankees will sign Evan Longoria.

Joe Mauer, C, Minnesota Twins
Not done acting like I hate Joe Mauer. No comment.

Torii Hunter, OF, Los Angeles Angels
This photo comes from a blog written by women that love baseball. Their blog appears to be much more informative and fact-centric than this blog.

Ichiro Suzuki, OF, Seattle Mariners
In my imagination, this is a photo of Ichiro trying to tell the moose a joke and the moose saying, "You need to take lessons in making sense," because that's how I feel 90% of the time and I like to think that Ichiro and I, despite our many obvious differences, have one important thing in common. That thing being, of course, that we both seek affirmation from talking animals only to suffer constant humiliation and rejection.

Adam Jones, OF, Baltimore Orioles
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I will give props to Sam for calling this one out, pre-season.

Mark Buehrle, P, Chicago White Sox
He is beyond adorable. What time is it, Mark? Perfect game time? Miller Lite o'clock? 1:40 in the afternoon?

Derek Jeter, SS, New York Yankees
I could go on and on and on about how great Derek Jeter is, but I'll be polite for once and write it in my diary instead. [cartoon heart][flower][cartoon heart][cat wearing a yankee hat]


1. Last year, Grady Sizemore won a Gold Glove.

2. Want to see another weird picture of Mark Teixeira? Of course you do!

1 comment:

  1. Placido Polanco looks like an alien. (Is there an alien factor for second basemen? I'm thinking of Alexei.) For a while, it seemed like it really was true that he would hit when men were on base. But as soon as I started saying that out loud, he never hit with men on base. THANKS, PLACIDO!