Friday, February 20, 2009

AL Central

Now that we've conquered the AL East, these divisional rankings are getting a bit tricky. While it's possible that not knowing many of the players in the AL Central led to greater impartiality on my part, scrolling through 132 mugshots comprised mostly of Midwestern nobodies gave me something akin to highway hypnosis. As follows, judgment was a bit fuzzy and ratings were universally low. Here are the results!

First were the Cleveland Indians, with a team average of 4.62.

The Good Vibes Tribe: Grady Sizemore, Andy Marte, Fausto Carmona

We call it Grady-metrics for a reason. Mr. Sizemore and his bashful eyelashes got a 9. Despite my habitual raving about his handsomeness, I'm not actually THAT interested in Grady Sizemore and, before researching today's post, had never bothered to read anything about him. I wish I had. The following excerpt from an interview with ESPN's Kenny Mayne took my appreciation of Grady to the next level:

Is it true that after games, there are a dozen women waiting for you?
It might be, but they're all 16, so I'd go to jail.
Is it so professional now that you have publicists do that kind of lead work for you? Or is it still the old-fashioned way: You meet a girl at a bookstore or something?
Yes, a bookstore. That's where I meet them.

In the continental philosophy section, I'm sure. Andy Marte got a 7 and Fausto Carmona got a 6 (because, really, Fausto Carmona is a beautiful name).

[Not Going to Make Any Off-Color Jokes]: Cliff Lee, Kerry Wood, Asdrubal Cabrera

Cliff Lee got a 4 and Kerry Wood (not sure what's happening with his mouth, there) got a 3, as did Asdrubal Cabrera. The next time I play Final Fantasy or some such similar RPG, I'm going to name my black mage Asdrubal, my white mage Fausto, my hero Grady, and my princess Jenni. Just kidding. The white mage and the princess are USUALLY THE SAME CHARACTER. I guess Fausto can be the token funny sidekick (robot, bard, dwarf, whatever).

In second place, were the Minnesota Twins with an average of 4.52. And the Kansas City Royals with an average of...uh...4.52.

Twice as Nice: Joe Maurer (6), Denard Span (6), Carlos Gomez (7)

Double the Pain: Boof Bonser (2), Mike Redmond (2), Jason Kubel (3)

I can't honestly say that I'm anything but indifferent to everyone on this team.

Royal Flush: Mike Jacobs (6), Mike Aviles (7), Jose Guillen (6)

As for the Royals, I gave Mike Jacobs one extra point because I mistakenly thought that his name was Marc Jacobs, which made me think about how awesome it would be to see Marc Jacobs hit a home run in his kilt.

Court Jesters: Joakim Soria (3), Luke Hochevar (2), Kyle Farnsworth (5)

Joakim Soria looks pretty cute in that photo, but his Fantasy Baseball Preview mugshot was MESSED UP and Luke Hochevar looks almost as bad as A.J. Burnett, here. My real problem with the Royals is Kyle Farnsworth, who I seriously hate. He's not a bad-looking guy, but he SUCKS SO BAD AT BASEBALL. Whenever he took the mound for the Yankees, I wanted to stab myself in the face. And then he cried when he got traded! Crying should only be used to manipulate the press into believing that you're sorry for using steroids!

Coming in fourth were the Chicago White Sox, who averaged 4.26.

Chi-Town Charmers: Jerry Owens, Jermaine Dye, Dayan Viciedo

I feel like Sam, Kei and Mordecai are going to take serious issue with my picks in both categories, which is fine. My mugshot assesment gave straight 7s to Jerry Owens, Jermaine Dye and Dayan Viciedo. I like that shirt-tie combo!

Cowtown Losers: Mark Buehrle, Alexi Ramirez and Bobby Jenks (sorry Kei)

Can someone tell me what's going on in that scoreboard photo? I want to say that Alexi Ramirez looks better there than usual. He got a 4. Bobby Jenks and his pink goatee got a 3 and Mark Buehrle got a 2. I bet he listens to awful music.

In last place, despite their rad logo, we have the Detroit Tigers with an average of 4.07.

The Cat's Meow: Ramon Santiago, Matt Treanor, Miguel Cabrera...throw that bat!

The Tigers have the second-most-bad-ass logo in baseball, I think. I love that gothic D! Miguel Cabrera got an 8 and Matt Treanor got a 6. I couldn't find any internet photos to support my high 7 for Ramon Santiago, but I like the way he wears his uniform.

D-troit's D-grade: Jeremy Bonderman, Magglio Ordonez, Joel Zumaja

These guys all clearly deserve the 2s that I gave them. Without getting too much into the Guitar Hero thing, I'd like to call special attention to the fish hovering above the right shoulder of Joel Zumaja. Detroit is so weird.

I'd like to note that I've traveled all the way to Chicago to make this post about the AL Central. Maybe next week, I'll be lucky enough to be writing from California or Seattle when we look at the AL West.

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