#5: Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees
Okay, so I'm not actually attracted to Derek Jeter. But he wins the #5 spot due to 1) my undying devotion to the New York Yankees and 2) his saintlike personality. Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day and am losing my will to function in the world, I imagine that Derek Jeter is cheering me on from a secret place inside of my brain. We have conversations like this:
Jenni: Hi Derek. I don't think I can keep walking to the subway. Should I just lie down on the sidewalk and die?
Derek: Jenni, that's not a winning attitude! You can do it!
Jenni: Thanks, Derek. I can do it! And I will!
Thanks, Derek! I love you!
#4: Nate McLouth of the Pittsburgh Pirates
Dude looks like an elf! He must be one of the best looking players in the National League, because he's one of the only ones I can remember having seen on television.*
#3: Grady Sizemore of the Cleveland Indians
I'm from the Midwest, so from the cradle I've been conditioned to like athletically built young men with honest faces. Grady Sizemore is the embodiment of my socially constructed desire.
#2: Casey Blake of the Los Angeles Dodgers
*I forgot that they traded Casey Blake to the Dodgers. He's from Iowa and is more honest-faced than Grady Sizemore. His spirit animal is probably a bear.
#1: Robinson Cano of the New York Yankees
Robbie Cano is undeniably, unquestionably, uncontestably my favorite-looking player in the Major Leagues. That he got benched for lack of hustle last season, to me, evidences deep philosophical reservations about complicit participation in possibly meaningless activities (baseball, life, etc.). Robbie Cano has existential angst! Also, he is super hot. What else do you need to know?
DISCLAIMER: I almost never watch baseball games on television and, as follows, have not seen approximately 75% of all Major League Baseball players.
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