Friday, February 13, 2009

AL East

Baseball is a game of numbers, so I used unbiased mathematical formulas to determine my divisional rankings.

First, of course, are the New York Yankees, who averaged an impressive 7.5 on a scale of 1-10.

Home Run Derby: Robbie Cano, Andy Pettite, Mariano Rivera

The team score was skewed by the fact that I gave Robinson Cano a perfect 10, but he deserves it. Look at him smiling in that cheerleader's uniform! Go Robbie! I like Andy Pettite despite his hardcore religious beliefs and human growth hormone usage. He conforms nicely to Grady-metrics, so I gave him an 8. Also, Mariano Rivera has a beautiful smile. He shut down the competition with a 7.

Evil Empire: Shelley Duncan, A-Rod with Spitzer, Nick Swisher

Just to prove that I was at least slightly fair in my rankings, here are three Yankees that make me gag. Shelley Duncan? Gross! He got a 2. A-Rod got a 3 (he may have an awful soul, but he's not totally unfortunate looking). And Nick Swisher, well, Sam's already been over that. He got a 1. Maybe I should have given him a 0.

In second-place are the Baltimore Orioles, who averaged a 5.6 for their complete non-offensiveness.

Nice Birdies: Koji Uehara, Felix Pie, Nick Markakis

I saw Koji Uehara play back when he was with the Yomiuri Giants, so he is a sentimental favorite. I gave him an 8, but he probably only really deserves a 7. Felix Pie got a 7.5 initially, but I bumped it to an 8 because of his awesome name. And then Nick Markakis, the requisite Homecoming-King-of-Cow-Pie-High-type, got a 7.

Eh, Whatever: Jamie Walker, George Sherill and Matt Weither...I'm not even sure who's who.

Boring looking white dudes. Whatever. They collectively scored a 2.5. The Orioles are not a team that I've ever thought about before and I doubt I'll think about them much in the future. Just one more example of how far mediocrity can take you in America.

Third, we've got the Jays and the Rays, who tied with scores of 4.85 and 4.82 respectively. Okay, so 4.85 is obviously more points that 4.82, but I started questioning my initial judgments after my first few forays into the Google image archives. And Jays and Rays rhyme so it's probably okay to lump them together, here.

Handsome(ish) Devils: Gabe Kapler (8), Willy Aybar (7), Akinori Iwamura (8 at first glance)

No Sting Rays: Grant Balfour (2), James Shields HANDS OFF (2), Dioner Navarro (3)

Can I just say that I HATE the Tampa Bay Rays? I hate their stupid Wall Street owners. I hate Bossman Junior Upton. I hate their uniforms. I hate their mascot. I hate them. Now that I've seen multiple photos of him on the internet, Akinori Iwamura is getting demoted to, like, a 5 at best. Mugshots can be so deceptive!

Flying Solo: Alex Rios of the Toronto Blue Jays (7.5)

More Boring White Dudes: Travis Snider, Jerry Litsch, Michael Barrett...all 2's

I am so bored by most of the Jays players that I can't be bothered to spell check the way I scrawled their names down on my score card. That Alex Rios is a looker, though. His birthday is on February 18th and he'll be 28, just like I am. Soul mates?!

And in fifth place, to NO ONE'S surprise, we've got the Boston Red Sox with a team average of 3.76...not as low as I expected!

Red Hot Enough: Big Papi, Jed Lowrie, Jacoby Ellsbury

Okay, I know I'm not supposed to admit this, but I like the Red Sox more than I like the Rays. Still, they are not a nice-looking team. Big Papi and Jed Lowrie got 5's and Jacoby Ellsbury led his team with a 6. You know you're a bad looking team when your power hitter (as it were) gets a 6.

Red Sux: Dustin Pedroia, Josh Beckett, Brad Penny

Dustin Pedroia got a 1. LOOK AT HIM. That's all the explanation required. Josh Beckett and Brad Penny got 2's. With faces like those, who cares if they're good at baseball? Brad Penny good at baseball? Eh. On Third Base or Bust, it doesn't matter either way.

There you have it! Next Friday, the AL Central. Have a long love-filled weekend and see you on Monday!

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