Thursday, February 26, 2009

AL West

Why is most of the West Coast so bad at baseball? Why does California have five different Major League teams? These are not the kinds of questions we strive answer at Third Base or Bust, where our concerns are strictly...well, you know what they are.

The Best of the West were the Seattle Mariners (of course), who scored a team average of 5.18.

Good Catches: Franklin Gutierrez, Andre Beltre, Ichiro Suzuki

These three youthful, clean-cut Pacific Northwesterners bring joy to my otherwise icy hater's heart. If I had a daughter of the appropriate age, I would want her to date someone like Andre Beltre, who got a 7, or Ichiro Suzuki, who got an 8.5. Franklin Gutierrez, on the other hand, looks like the kind of guy who'd take you to the Space Needle on your first date and then try to get fresh with you on the observation deck. You're a handsome, 7-point-worthy man Frankie, but you'll never get your hands on a child of mine.

I think that Ken Griffey Jr. deserves a special shout out, so here are two pictures of him from his first run with the Mariners.

Ken Griffey Jr. under a pile up and with Pops

Let's hope that this year is better than last year for our handsome champs.

Something Fishy: Tyler Walker, Mark Lowe, Ronny Cedeno

Although the team generally received 4's and 5's, these three Mariners got 3's: Tyler Walker, Mark Lowe and Ronny Cedeno. To be honest, I gave Ronny Cedeno a 6 and Roy Corcoran a 3, then mixed up their initials on my scoresheet. Whoops! Still, Ronny's not making a very flattering face in that photo. We'll let it fly.

In second place, we have the Los Angeles Angels, who scored 4.86.

Heavenly Creatures: Torii Hunter, Vladimir Guerrero, Ervin Santana

I still can't get over Torrii Hunter's beautiful eyes! He got a 7 during my initial round of evaluations, but now I want to give him an 8. Also doing well for the Angels are Sam's favorite, Vladimir Guerrero (8) and Ervin Santana (7). Big smiles all around!

Fallen from Grace: John Lackey, Mike Napoli, Jered Weaver

Don't be fooled by Sam, John Lackey is UGLY. He got a 3, as did Mike Napoli and Jered Weaver. Imagine walking into the Angels club house and finding these three dudes sitting in the locker room wearing sweaty towels and eating giant, sloppy meatball sandwiches. OMG BARF.

Coming in third were the Texas Rangers with a collective score of 4.16.

Party On!: Josh Hamilton (6), Ian Kinsler (6), Marlon Byrd (6.5)

While ranking the Texas Rangers, I pretended that I was looking through my high school yearbook for people to invite to a graduation party. If Grady Sizemore is the MLB's homecoming king, Josh Hamilton is that kind-of-cute dyslexic bad kid who always skips first period English to smoke cigarettes in the crappy black convertible he bought with the money he earned washing dishes at the Tic Tic Lounge last summer. He would show up at your party with two cases of ice cold Bud Light and, like, some super hot college girl from ANOTHER TOWN. Ian Kinsler is that baby-faced dude who knows lots of really funny dirty jokes and likes to eat cake. And Marlon Byrd is your friend who won't let anyone draw on your face after you pass out drunk on the living room sofa. Woooo high school!*

Get the Hell Out of My House: Vincente Padilla (3), Matt Harrison (2), Frank Catalanotto (2)

This is the holy trinity of people you DON'T want at your party. Vincente Padilla is the weird, silent guy who stands in the corner glowering at everyone all night long. Matt Harrison is that douchebag who thinks its funny to try to flush your cat down the toilet, and Frank Catalanotto is that seemingly nice, quiet boy you invite out of pity because no one else at school likes him and then it turns out that he's REALLY ANNOYING and since he doesn't know anyone else, he follows you around the entire time saying weird things like, "Can I touch your right eyeball with my straw?" No, you can't! Get AWAY FROM ME! Get OUT OF MY PARTY!!!

*I didn't actually go to or have parties in high school, so this reverie is based on 1) teen movies I've watched and 2) my experiences at Ponytail Junction.

Bringing in the rear are the Oakland A's with 4.15 and not a lot to show for it.

Making the Grade: Santiago Casilla, Jack Hannahan, Rajai Davis

There's no one on this team to get excited about. These guys all got 6's. I like Santiago Casilla's "point and pout" pose, though.

Oakland F's: Jason Giambi, Dallas Braden, Brad Ziegler

I am sooooo glad that the Yankees got rid of Jason Giambi, because he would have really tanked the team average. The man looks like a alcoholic child molester. He looks so bad that he might as well play for the Red Sox. I gave him a 2...I don't know why it wasn't a 1. Dallas Braden looks like a mean, mean stoner. He got a 2. And then Brad Ziegler...yeah, I don't really know what to say about this photo. I gave him a 3.

Sam is still abroad, I think, so my word is the law again, this week. Next Friday, we delve into the National League with the Phillies, Mets, Marlins, Braves and Nationals.

Peace! xx


  1. Asking why California have five teams is like asking why does the east coast, from New York to Georgia have five teams. because it is freaking huge and a shit-ton of people live there.
    Also the whole west coast doesn't suck, Seattle is awesome at never winning.
    And finally, though i didn't know it before, Ian Kinsler is my boyfriend. that's all.

  2. Hi Mark! When I saw Ian Kinsler, I immediately thought "Mike Zabel circa 2003." No?