Ichiro Goes Home, Confronts the Bright White Future

Baseball semi-started this week, with a Mariners-A's series at Tokyo Dome. I saw my first-ever professional baseball game there in 2005 with Marti. In this picture, I didn't really like baseball and I'm holding a #24 flag with absolutely no awareness of its emotimagical connotations. Life gets different, sometimes.

For instance, Japan turned the Mariners Moose into a giant, break-dancing inflatable.

Time made Ichiro's hair turn gray and Dustin Ackley's beard grow. Time may also have turned Dustin Ackley into a good baseball player, because he hit the first home run of 2012.

I've been so singularly focused on Derek Jeter aging that I've neglected to remember that the same thing is happening to Ichiro out on the West Coast. Acknowledged or not, we're all getting older. Here's a photo of Ichiro confronting the bright white future.

Dustin Ackley is still young. TWENTY-FOUR, in fact. Are you going to be great this year, Dustin?

It's not "now or never," but it is "soon or get old and disappear."

The First of my Thoughts About Peyton Manning and the Broncos, with Some Quotes from the Colorado Rockies

What's Peyton Manning going to do in Denver in his spare time? Pitch for the Rockies, I guess.


From the Yahoo! Sports article:

The news spread fast during batting practice at Salt River Fields before the Rockies’ game against the Los Angeles Angels, and just in case anybody didn’t hear, one player pregame yelled: “No more Tebow!”

Sorry, Tim Tebow, but the Rockies are on Team Peyton.

“Tebow is a great player,” outfielder Carlos Gonzalez said, “but I’m from Venezuela and not even a football fan and I know they got one of the best quarterbacks in history.”

“I have nothing against Tebow,” outfielder Dexter Fowler concurred, “but I’m definitely a Peyton Manning guy.”

For one, Manning spent more time around the Rockies than Tebow. Because of his friendship with Helton, he has shown up unannounced in recent years before Rockies games. Last July, Gonzalez walked into the dugout, saw Manning and said to himself: “I think I know this guy.”

A month later, when the Rockies were in St. Louis, Fowler glanced at Helton’s locker only to see someone with three extra inches and one fewer goatee.“He’s sitting in Todd’s chair,” Fowler said, “and you’re like, ‘What? Oh, yeah, that’s Peyton Manning.’ ”

Obviously, my fantasy was for Peyton to move to New York, replace Mark Sanchez, do media appearances with Eli and local television commercials with Derek Jeter, and go to the Met with me on Sunday afternoons. We'd have such a nice time eating hot dogs on the front steps and then walking through Central Park. I mean, nothing (much) against Denver, but you can't do any of those things there.

Generally, I Tend to Like Photos Like These

I like photos of Roy Halladay smiling. They are just so bizarre. I also like photos of Cole Hamels looking thoughtful. I think my hands may be larger than his.


This isn't Derek Jeter's best side, but this photo is like some sort of Sebald-baseball mashup, which I like. Seeing weird stuff like this in the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery really makes my day.

Maybe I'll make my own Derek Jeter owl collage later today after the noisy plumbers leave.

I am extremely jealous that there are people out in the world taking close-up Instagram photos of Derek Jeter. This photo would be cooler with bird eyes, though.

Finally, look who's back:

If you don't like this photo, you are probably not a good person. It would be cooler with some dog eyes in the background, though.

Good Morning, Jenni

I've been sleeping. I've been hibernating. I've been so preoccupied with wondering where I'm going to have to move to become Peyton Manning's art adviser that I completely failed to finish the Grady Sizemore injury rant I started writing two weeks ago. It's time to wake up.

Three nights ago, I dreamt that I met Cole Hamels and his skin was moon-bright, like a glowing porcelain doll. Last night, I listened to four hours of Fantasy Baseball podcasts. By the end, I was saying things like "I hate him" and "Oh God, I hate him" out loud to no one. It's like I'm in Emotional Spring Training.

Yeah, I'm ready to give my life back to you, baseball. Here's a celebratory photograph of Matt Kemp. Big League Stew seems to think it was an error or a prank. I just think it's a prediction.

Good luck to all the players I love! Good luck (but not as good) to all the players I hate, too, just to be nice. LET'S GET READY FOR BASEBALL!!!!

I'm Not Saying Anything Except for What I'm Saying

According to this morning's newspaper, Yankees hats are everywhere, including at Kim Jong Il's funeral.

And here.

AND HERE:

Tom Brady, hahahaha.

Derek Jeter Has Eli Manning's Phone Number

ESPN currently has an article about Derek Jeter and Eli Manning on its home page. In it, we learn that Jeter called Eli during Eli's rookie season, that Jeter is one of Eli's role models, and that Justin Tuck thinks that Eli is "more Jeter than he is Peyton."

If the internet can hold an unlimited number of images, why doesn't it have any photos of Derek Jeter talking on a cell phone? On a regular phone? Texting? Does Derek Jeter have an iPhone? The internet doesn't know.

So, what you get instead are photos of Derek Jeter sitting next to a closed laptop and Eli Manning going online to check himself out. Could Eli be doing that on his iPhone? The internet doesn't know. But it will tell you the answers to "How many playoff wins does Eli Manning have?" and "Why does Eli Manning have Down Syndrome?"

Information. It's non-stop and everywhere.

I'm having a great time imagining the way Derek and Eli's conversation looked and sounded. If you see me during the Super Bowl, I'll do a reenactment for you.

It's Okay to Talk About Football This Week

I've been resisting the urge to turn this into an off-season football blog for a while now, but it's Super Bowl Week. The Giants are playing the Patriots. In Peyton Manning's house! I'm so excited.

Here's a photo of Tom Brady telling the world about his feelings:

"It's just that...it's just....I mean, can't we all just get along?"

Why do they make them wear their uniforms to media day? I have a lot of shirts to tie-dye before Sunday.

Go Ahead, Take One More Year in Philadelphia, Cole.

I was proud and not at all surprised to learn today that "Cole Hamels" was my #3 most Googled phrase of 2011. I was confused and very surprised to see that "Doug Fister" was the only other professional athlete to crack the top ten. After all of my seeking, the only thing I know about him is that he's not bad looking.

Eh. Then again, what else is there to know about a person, really?

Anyway, there is actual Cole Hamels news on the internet. Something about how he's getting $15 million dollars to stay in Philadelphia next year. I don't know. I'm mostly only paying attention to stories about Cole Hamels becoming a Yankee is 2013. Just like I'm mostly only paying attention to stories about Peyton Manning becoming a Jet is 2012. Now wouldn't that be a holy square of sports superstars?

Derek Jeter. Cole Hamels. Eli Manning. Peyton Manning. I'd wear nothing but sports jerseys for the rest of my life!

Baseball Manning

I was overjoyed to find this photo on my favorite website this afternoon:

In case you can't tell which Manning that is (I wasn't able to say with certainty before reading the title of the jpeg), it's Eli.

Wearing Green Bay colors? He's going to TEAR THEM TO SHREDS this weekend. Go Eli!!!

Derek Jeter Living in and Against Time: 2012 Has Begun

One year ended and another one began. The beginning of a new year means that more time has passed, that more time is coming and that the time that is coming will pass. Time just keeps happening! And as time happens, it changes us. You get where I'm going with this? Time is happening and Derek Jeter is getting older. The New York Post reports that he was in Paris with ex-girlfriend Minka Kelly this weekend. Wearing a black hooded jacket, no less. We're all getting older. Time is happening to everyone.

If W.G. Sebald wrote a book about Derek Jeter living in and against time, it would probably include these two photographs with no captions:


The New York Post article claims that Derek and Minka "were spotted Thursday walking through the Musée d'Orsay art museum," which is a detail that W.G. Sebald most certainly would have included in his hypothetical book about Derek Jeter living in and against time. After describing them strolling around the galleries, he would have talked about the particular sadness that emanates from different not-particularly-sad-looking paintings from the collection. Although he doesn't (yet) have his own museum, there's a lot of art about Derek Jeter that can be seen on the internet. Here's a selection:

via 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Art is one way to try and stop time. But really, nothing stops time! Just as that would be the inevitable conclusion of W.G. Sebald's book, so is it the conclusion of this blog post. Nothing stops time.

Don't be scared, though. It's just normal.

Belatedly

Yesterday, Cole Hamels turned 28. I had no idea! I'm too tired to post an appropriately apologetic photograph. I did enter it into my phone so that this will never happen again.

Did you know that Cole likes to read fantasy novels in his free time? Yeah...don't we all.

Happy Birthday, Cole. Let's have another nice year of Fantasy Baseball together in 2012.

POST-SCRIPT: I FOUND A PHOTO.



HOW SEASONAL.

Why Casey, WHY?

WHY DID CASEY BLAKE SIGN WITH THE ROCKIES?

I DO NOT LIKE COLORADO.

I DO NOT THEIR UNIFORMS.

These are pictures of Casey Blake on Dodger's 70's night and a magical mountain.

I will now resume daydreaming about Cole Hamels in a Yankee hat.

Photos of Matt Kemp; My Plan to Buy the Dodgers (with Your Money)

Instead of dwelling on my mixed-because-they-were-never-positive-but-I-still-don't-want-him-to-have-taken-performance-enhancing-drugs-because-that's-not-good-for-baseball feelings about NL MVP Ryan Braun, let's just look at nice photos of Matt "he-really-should-have-won-that-MVP-award" Kemp. I don't know why I hyphenated his nickname.

Matt Kemp's mom must be really proud of him. I wonder what he bought her for Christmas.

I've never seen these Casey Blake t-shirts before! I cannot believe that something Casey Blake-related happened on the internet and I MISSED IT.

The Dodgers are my second favorite baseball team. Someday, I'm going to go to Chavez Ravine (with John Chavez) and get Casey Blake's autograph. I hope he doesn't retire before then.

John and I were talking about making a Kickstarter page to buy the Dodgers, but we had a hard time coming up with worthwhile rewards. Give us $250,000.00 and we'll make you a print out of this blog. And gild the edges. Okay no, give us $500,000.00 and we'll make a golden-edged print-out of this blog with your name substituted for every other occurrence of the words "Derek Jeter." Give us $50 million dollars and we'll name some seats after you and FedEx you a bag of frozen Dodger Dogs.

Buns included!

How Things Make Me Feel

This depresses me:

But this scares [the shit out of] me:

Those are two things that I feel.

I'm Going to Talk About Cole Hamels Even More Next Year...Get Ready

Cole Hamels, thank you for being a good person. Thank you for having a Twitter account.

I...I...I just love you. Please be a Yankee next year.

MIAMI

December 4, 2011

Dear Kei,

I am very excited about the prospect of becoming a Miami Marlins fan this baseball season. I think that you, Mordecai, Mitsu and I should begin our baseball pilgrimage in Chicago and drive to New York with detours to Detroit and Philadelphia. Then, you can leave your car in Long Island and we'll fly to Miami. It only takes a few hours and we can probably bribe a stewardess to let Mitsu fly in coach class.

We might as well pick up David Wright on the way.


Let's petition Jeff Loria to let all of us run in the mascot race.

Sincerely,
Jenni

Thank You Baseball

For good times, great times, bad times, all times...thank you, Derek Jeter and thank you, Yankees and thank you, baseball.

Does DJ spend Thanksgiving in Florida?

I Love Matt Kemp, But This Might Be Too Much

Matt Kemp is in a class of his own when it comes to defining baseball celebrity. Is there any other actually glamorous Major Leaguer? But this photo goes too far. You're announcing a new deal with the Dodgers, not accepting an Oscar!

Okay fine, I'd probably really like this picture if it had been taken from a different angle. Because this...I have no problems with this.

SMILE, YOU'RE FAMOUS. Congratulations!

Extreme Feelings

The Phillies came to some sort of agreement with former Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon tonight, instantly making themselves the team that encapsulates the widest range of my baseball feelings. A photo essay follows.

The above photo is the #2 Google image result for "Cole Hamels ugly."
The first result had a watermark and therefore does not fit into the aesthetic landscape of this blog.

I'm not sure I believe that that's really Jonathan Papelbon. I mean, why would it and how could it be? Why and how? But, also, why not?