Cole Hamels Suspended

Cole Hamels got a five-game suspension for throwing a ball at Bryce Harper's back.  I guess some people are angry at Cole for admitting that he did it intentionally.  I don't mind. I don't love him because he's articulate.

I love him because he looks so existentially burdened.  Me too, Cole, me too.

Don't Forget About Jayson Werth. I Never Will.

Jayson Werth is still out there, skulking around the outfield, making $18 million dollars a year and giving pre-humans their due representation in the Major Leagues.  There were a lot of photos of him in today's Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery, so I thought I'd share my three favorites with you.  I like these photos because each one of them teaches you something about Jayson Werth.

1. He's started using Chase Utley's hair gel.

2. He can roll his eyeballs all the way back into his head.

3. His arms aren't like other people's arms.

Maybe he's not pre-human. Maybe he's UNDEAD.  

I'm Mad Because My Favorite Hobby is Looking at Things

There were a lot of baseball things that I wanted to see yesterday and unfortunately I didn't get to see any of them.  The first unseeable event was the Yankee-Red Sox game celebrating 100 Years of Fenway Park.  I wonder how many people skipped work or school to see Dustin Pedroia wearing a 1912 throwback uniform.  My boss, despite his alleged Red Sox fan-dom, didn't let me stream the game at work.  Maybe he knew that Clay Buchholz would give up five home runs?  I have Buchholz on one of my Fantasy Teams and this still absolutely delighted me.

Wikipedia says that there's a section of Fenway Park called "Williamsburg."

Maybe I should go there on a tour of All The Worlds' Williamsburgs.

Top: The old Red Sox uniforms look better than their current uniforms. 

I am a big fan of ice-cream-man-themed ensembles.

Bottom: Look who finally crawled out of his bottomless pit of Sports Hell.

I am a big fan of Tom Brady's facial expression.  WHAT A JOKER.

The Yankees uniforms look mostly the same to me.  Here's Derek Jeter wearing striped socks and passing Dave Winfield on the all-time hits list:

Fantasy Baseball Super Star, Derek Jeter

And here's a photo of the Yankees celebrating their 6-2 win:

Did Tom Brady cry? But also feel relieved that

other people lose things, too?

The second unseeable event was Cole Hamels pitching against the Padres.  Yes, I tried to watch this game on my phone while I was at a bar and yes, I realize that this was ill-mannered of me and no, it didn't work.  MLB.tv wasn't working when I got home either, which resulted in a huge temper tantrum.  Seems like Cole was also fired up, as he hit this random person...

...and then later had to be physically restrained from arguing with the umpire after a called balk.

Honestly, in my opinion, that body language doesn't 

really say "I need to be restrained."

Good game, Cole.  I wish I could have seen it.  Were you still angry when you woke up this morning?  I was, but I'm getting better.  What are you doing this weekend?  I hear it's going to rain.

Baseball Makes People Happy

This is Munenori Kawasaki from Kagoshima. I'd like to go there someday.  I'm feeling overwhelmed by the changes to Blogger's back end, so I'm going to stop writing now.

Batter's Box

Yesterday I watched some of the White Sox home opener against the Tigers. I turned the game on and there was a delay in the first inning; it turned out that Miguel Cabrera had noticed that something was wrong with the location of the batter's box. From what I understood as I was watching the game, the batter's box was too close to the pitcher; I imagine Miggy going up to the batter's box and noticing that Jake Peavy was a lot closer than he should have been. Here's a play by play of what happened.

Later in the game, the White Sox announcers Steve Stone and Ken "Hawk" Harrelson both admitted they had never witnessed a redrawing of the batter's box before. And then later at night, Detroit announcer Rod Allen tweeted that he has been in "Pro Ball for 35 years and have never seen anything like what I witnessed today with Cabby. That's why he's a 'BEAST'". MLB Network people were remarking on what happened as well. Harold Reynolds noted that Miggy stands really far back in the batter's box, which may explain this photo, taken from the comments section of the SB Nation link. 

Even with the box redrawn, Miggy's foot is on the line. Now I wonder what it would be like to stand in a batter's box, especially where he stands. Or, I wonder what it's like to stand on any part of the field. On White Sox Dog Day where you bring your dog to the park, you can apparently partake in the parade where you get to walk your dog with many others on the field. I guess you need a special pass for this, in addition to general admission to Dog Day. I'm starting to digress here, but I need to announce that Mitsu Scheckter will not be attending White Sox Dog Day this year due to her owners being out of the country at the time. I'm sorry, White Sox fans, and I'm sorry, Mitsu! Next year we'll go, and maybe we can parade on the field. 

Anyway, it's interesting that Austin Jackson and Brennan Boesch missed the detail before Miggy. Since they're more veteran-ish, I wonder if A.J. Pierzynski or Jake Peavy noticed anything. 

Baseball moves on quickly so I will try to as well. The Sox won yesterday's and today's game; the Tigers are slowing down a bit here in Chicago. Aside from the Marlins losing to the Astros tonight, and David Wright having a monster day after coming back from pinky injury, the only thing noteworthy that comes to my mind right now is Yu Darvish, who had another good enough but not quality start (maybe one day I can provide good enough but not quality translations of his blog posts/tweets). I hope everyone is enjoying whatever games they're watching this weekend!

Marlins win!

It seems like there's a lot of drama in Miami with the new team, the new stadium, and Ozzie being Ozzie. The Marlins had their first win tonight at the new stadium. The win came in extra innings with a walk-off double by first baseman Gaby Sanchez. I watched some of the game on MLB.TV, and saw Billy the Marlin in the stands. Here's a screen grab!

  

Then I saw a shoe on the screen, and wasn't paying enough attention to hear whose shoe it was and why they were showing it so prominently. But I took a picture anyway.

Sorry I don't have more baseball-related details about the game, but I wanted to share these two pictures here. I'm glad baseball is back!

This Photo is Too Sad for Words

Okay fine, I laughed when I saw it. But only because sadness makes me laugh in self-defense.

In Which I Mention Even More Plans to Write Derek Jeter Fan Fiction

While baseball started, I was camping in an internet-less California forest. My first glimpse of the 2012 season was seeing Cole Hamels get shelled on Sports Center during the flight home. Good Lord. Since I started paying attention, though, things have gotten better. Derek Jeter hit a home run tonight! Anything is possible. NEVER treat your life like an old t-shirt.

Derek Jeter (as if you didn't know by now)

I've been saying that for years, but I guess I still don't really understand what it means. I'm wearing one of my mom's old t-shirts right now. I wonder how Derek Jeter and Jack Curry decided that that saying should be the conclusion of DJ's autobiography. I'll be sure to ask DJ when I ghost-write his next autobiography:

THE JETER YEARS: A White House Memoir by America's Most Beloved President, Including Photos (Mostly in Color), Recipes, Poems, Jokes, and Facts

Look for it on iTunes 30 or 40 years from now.

Ichiro Goes Home, Confronts the Bright White Future

Baseball semi-started this week, with a Mariners-A's series at Tokyo Dome. I saw my first-ever professional baseball game there in 2005 with Marti. In this picture, I didn't really like baseball and I'm holding a #24 flag with absolutely no awareness of its emotimagical connotations. Life gets different, sometimes.

For instance, Japan turned the Mariners Moose into a giant, break-dancing inflatable.

Time made Ichiro's hair turn gray and Dustin Ackley's beard grow. Time may also have turned Dustin Ackley into a good baseball player, because he hit the first home run of 2012.

I've been so singularly focused on Derek Jeter aging that I've neglected to remember that the same thing is happening to Ichiro out on the West Coast. Acknowledged or not, we're all getting older. Here's a photo of Ichiro confronting the bright white future.

Dustin Ackley is still young. TWENTY-FOUR, in fact. Are you going to be great this year, Dustin?

It's not "now or never," but it is "soon or get old and disappear."

The First of my Thoughts About Peyton Manning and the Broncos, with Some Quotes from the Colorado Rockies

What's Peyton Manning going to do in Denver in his spare time? Pitch for the Rockies, I guess.


From the Yahoo! Sports article:

The news spread fast during batting practice at Salt River Fields before the Rockies’ game against the Los Angeles Angels, and just in case anybody didn’t hear, one player pregame yelled: “No more Tebow!”

Sorry, Tim Tebow, but the Rockies are on Team Peyton.

“Tebow is a great player,” outfielder Carlos Gonzalez said, “but I’m from Venezuela and not even a football fan and I know they got one of the best quarterbacks in history.”

“I have nothing against Tebow,” outfielder Dexter Fowler concurred, “but I’m definitely a Peyton Manning guy.”

For one, Manning spent more time around the Rockies than Tebow. Because of his friendship with Helton, he has shown up unannounced in recent years before Rockies games. Last July, Gonzalez walked into the dugout, saw Manning and said to himself: “I think I know this guy.”

A month later, when the Rockies were in St. Louis, Fowler glanced at Helton’s locker only to see someone with three extra inches and one fewer goatee.“He’s sitting in Todd’s chair,” Fowler said, “and you’re like, ‘What? Oh, yeah, that’s Peyton Manning.’ ”

Obviously, my fantasy was for Peyton to move to New York, replace Mark Sanchez, do media appearances with Eli and local television commercials with Derek Jeter, and go to the Met with me on Sunday afternoons. We'd have such a nice time eating hot dogs on the front steps and then walking through Central Park. I mean, nothing (much) against Denver, but you can't do any of those things there.

Generally, I Tend to Like Photos Like These

I like photos of Roy Halladay smiling. They are just so bizarre. I also like photos of Cole Hamels looking thoughtful. I think my hands may be larger than his.


This isn't Derek Jeter's best side, but this photo is like some sort of Sebald-baseball mashup, which I like. Seeing weird stuff like this in the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery really makes my day.

Maybe I'll make my own Derek Jeter owl collage later today after the noisy plumbers leave.

I am extremely jealous that there are people out in the world taking close-up Instagram photos of Derek Jeter. This photo would be cooler with bird eyes, though.

Finally, look who's back:

If you don't like this photo, you are probably not a good person. It would be cooler with some dog eyes in the background, though.

Good Morning, Jenni

I've been sleeping. I've been hibernating. I've been so preoccupied with wondering where I'm going to have to move to become Peyton Manning's art adviser that I completely failed to finish the Grady Sizemore injury rant I started writing two weeks ago. It's time to wake up.

Three nights ago, I dreamt that I met Cole Hamels and his skin was moon-bright, like a glowing porcelain doll. Last night, I listened to four hours of Fantasy Baseball podcasts. By the end, I was saying things like "I hate him" and "Oh God, I hate him" out loud to no one. It's like I'm in Emotional Spring Training.

Yeah, I'm ready to give my life back to you, baseball. Here's a celebratory photograph of Matt Kemp. Big League Stew seems to think it was an error or a prank. I just think it's a prediction.

Good luck to all the players I love! Good luck (but not as good) to all the players I hate, too, just to be nice. LET'S GET READY FOR BASEBALL!!!!

I'm Not Saying Anything Except for What I'm Saying

According to this morning's newspaper, Yankees hats are everywhere, including at Kim Jong Il's funeral.

And here.

AND HERE:

Tom Brady, hahahaha.

Derek Jeter Has Eli Manning's Phone Number

ESPN currently has an article about Derek Jeter and Eli Manning on its home page. In it, we learn that Jeter called Eli during Eli's rookie season, that Jeter is one of Eli's role models, and that Justin Tuck thinks that Eli is "more Jeter than he is Peyton."

If the internet can hold an unlimited number of images, why doesn't it have any photos of Derek Jeter talking on a cell phone? On a regular phone? Texting? Does Derek Jeter have an iPhone? The internet doesn't know.

So, what you get instead are photos of Derek Jeter sitting next to a closed laptop and Eli Manning going online to check himself out. Could Eli be doing that on his iPhone? The internet doesn't know. But it will tell you the answers to "How many playoff wins does Eli Manning have?" and "Why does Eli Manning have Down Syndrome?"

Information. It's non-stop and everywhere.

I'm having a great time imagining the way Derek and Eli's conversation looked and sounded. If you see me during the Super Bowl, I'll do a reenactment for you.

It's Okay to Talk About Football This Week

I've been resisting the urge to turn this into an off-season football blog for a while now, but it's Super Bowl Week. The Giants are playing the Patriots. In Peyton Manning's house! I'm so excited.

Here's a photo of Tom Brady telling the world about his feelings:

"It's just that...it's just....I mean, can't we all just get along?"

Why do they make them wear their uniforms to media day? I have a lot of shirts to tie-dye before Sunday.

Go Ahead, Take One More Year in Philadelphia, Cole.

I was proud and not at all surprised to learn today that "Cole Hamels" was my #3 most Googled phrase of 2011. I was confused and very surprised to see that "Doug Fister" was the only other professional athlete to crack the top ten. After all of my seeking, the only thing I know about him is that he's not bad looking.

Eh. Then again, what else is there to know about a person, really?

Anyway, there is actual Cole Hamels news on the internet. Something about how he's getting $15 million dollars to stay in Philadelphia next year. I don't know. I'm mostly only paying attention to stories about Cole Hamels becoming a Yankee is 2013. Just like I'm mostly only paying attention to stories about Peyton Manning becoming a Jet is 2012. Now wouldn't that be a holy square of sports superstars?

Derek Jeter. Cole Hamels. Eli Manning. Peyton Manning. I'd wear nothing but sports jerseys for the rest of my life!

Baseball Manning

I was overjoyed to find this photo on my favorite website this afternoon:

In case you can't tell which Manning that is (I wasn't able to say with certainty before reading the title of the jpeg), it's Eli.

Wearing Green Bay colors? He's going to TEAR THEM TO SHREDS this weekend. Go Eli!!!

Derek Jeter Living in and Against Time: 2012 Has Begun

One year ended and another one began. The beginning of a new year means that more time has passed, that more time is coming and that the time that is coming will pass. Time just keeps happening! And as time happens, it changes us. You get where I'm going with this? Time is happening and Derek Jeter is getting older. The New York Post reports that he was in Paris with ex-girlfriend Minka Kelly this weekend. Wearing a black hooded jacket, no less. We're all getting older. Time is happening to everyone.

If W.G. Sebald wrote a book about Derek Jeter living in and against time, it would probably include these two photographs with no captions:


The New York Post article claims that Derek and Minka "were spotted Thursday walking through the Musée d'Orsay art museum," which is a detail that W.G. Sebald most certainly would have included in his hypothetical book about Derek Jeter living in and against time. After describing them strolling around the galleries, he would have talked about the particular sadness that emanates from different not-particularly-sad-looking paintings from the collection. Although he doesn't (yet) have his own museum, there's a lot of art about Derek Jeter that can be seen on the internet. Here's a selection:

via 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Art is one way to try and stop time. But really, nothing stops time! Just as that would be the inevitable conclusion of W.G. Sebald's book, so is it the conclusion of this blog post. Nothing stops time.

Don't be scared, though. It's just normal.

Belatedly

Yesterday, Cole Hamels turned 28. I had no idea! I'm too tired to post an appropriately apologetic photograph. I did enter it into my phone so that this will never happen again.

Did you know that Cole likes to read fantasy novels in his free time? Yeah...don't we all.

Happy Birthday, Cole. Let's have another nice year of Fantasy Baseball together in 2012.

POST-SCRIPT: I FOUND A PHOTO.



HOW SEASONAL.

Why Casey, WHY?

WHY DID CASEY BLAKE SIGN WITH THE ROCKIES?

I DO NOT LIKE COLORADO.

I DO NOT THEIR UNIFORMS.

These are pictures of Casey Blake on Dodger's 70's night and a magical mountain.

I will now resume daydreaming about Cole Hamels in a Yankee hat.