Monday, July 26, 2010

All of the Feelings I've Ever Had About Dan Haren Made Public to the Internet

Transcription of an email conversation dated August 5th, 2009

MBW: You'd make a cute couple, you and Dan Haren.
JCW: Me and Dan more so than other players that have appeared on the blog? Just out of curiosity.
MBW: Yeah-- I see that having more of a future than anything else.
JCW: It's the beard and the unkempt hair, isn't it?
MBW: And I can see the two of you enjoying the quiet times better than most.
JCW: Good, give him my number the next time you're in AZ, please.
MBW: Will do. He's a friend of a friend.

And so, for almost a year, I've been secretly waiting for Dan Haren to call me and even more secretly imagining our blissfully quiet future of desert sunsets, endless AriZona Iced Teas and walks amongst the blossoming cacti. Nevermind that Haren didn't make either of my two 2009 Top Ten Favorite Player lists. When an ex-boyfriend declares someone your baseball soulmate, you have to listen. I mean, who knows you better? Who else has the optimization of your personal happiness so clearly at the forefront of his possibly guilt-ridden brain?

Okay, I'm lying. I hadn't really thought much about Dan Haren until last week, when the Yankees were rumored to be negotiating a trade to help tide the temporary loss of Andy Pettitte (groin). At first, I thought it'd be nice for him to come to New York because 1) he would raise the general attractiveness of the Yankees and 2) I remembered that Matt had promised to give him my phone number. But then I thought about this and reconsidered:

As much as I want the Yankees to buy every famous player in the Major and Minor Leagues, Dan Haren wouldn't be a good fit for New York. That said, hearing that he'd had been traded to the Angels over the weekend made me really angry. THE ANGELS? That team is as corporate and boring and evil as the Yankees but without the tremendous benefit of being the Yankees. I hate the Angels! Dan Haren should be somewhere where he can feel at peace with the on the bench next to transcendental Barry Zito and slacker Tim Lincecum or wandering aimlessly through the canyons of the Southwest as a free-spirited free agent.

I have nothing more to say about this topic. These are all of the feelings I've ever had about Dan Haren and now they are here on the internet forever.