Memorial Madness

I'm going to adopt a loose definition of "Memorial Day Weekend," and rewind the blog back to Thursday night when I waited through a windy two-hour rain delay to see Cole Hamels pitch at CitiField. He lost. He wasn't that great, but the Phillies scoring ZERO runs over 27 innings didn't help much either.

C-Hamels looks kind of like the male "dating model" from the Amazing Race.

That same night, Kei's favorite baseball player hit three home runs and my favorite player hit a grand slam. Baseball Twins SPORTS FEELINGS!!!

Top: Lord Miggy collecting a low-five from Brennan Boesch;
Bottom: BEST SMILE IN BASEBALL

On Saturday afternoon, A-Rod almost killed Indians starting pitcher David Huff. Then, the Yankees/Joba Chamberlain blew a six-run lead to lose 11-13.

I'm exaggerating. David Huff is fine, not almost dead. Also, A-Rod said he felt bad.

Also on Saturday, Angel Kendry Morales hit a walk-off grand slam against the Mariners, then immediately broke his leg in the on-field celebration. The next night, Angel Howie Kendrick hit a walk-off home run against the Mariners. No injuries resulted.

Get better soon, Kendry!

As I mentioned, Derek Jeter celebrated his 15-year anniversary this weekend. Rookie Jeter looks like a baby ostrich. Present-day Jeter hit a double. I already told you about what Roy Halladay did on Saturday night. I spent three hours drawing nine pictures of Doc Halls this afternoon. They're all pretty weird.

Never treat your life like a used t-shirt and never, never, never give up.

I don't remember what happened on Sunday, other than that the Yankees won. Apparently, I also don't remember what happened on Friday.

On Monday, everyone wore white hats to pay tribute to American soldiers. All of the teams that wear white uniforms looked like milk men. Handsome Tiger Justin Verlander lost his game. Conversely, crazy Colorado Rockie Ubaldo Jiminez pitched a complete game shut-out against the Giants. His ERA is something inhuman like 0.970 right now.

Top: Okay, maybe more like an ice cream man?
Bottom: If I saw those eyes staring directly into mine, I'd strike out, too.

I'm currently watching the D-bag v. Dodger game and have a few pieces of trivia to report:

1. Casey Blake's beard is back and it's GRAY.
2. Manny Ramirez has never homered on his birthday. He has homered 8 times (counting tonight) on the day after his birthday. Happy 800th Birthday, Man Ram!
3. The Diamondbacks' first baseman owns a ranch and brands his cattle with the phrase "E3." ERROR ON THE FIRST BASEMAN. Does this scare anyone else?
4. Man, Vin Scully knows everything...college GPAs, player hobbies and nicknames, the body counts of every major war since the American Revolution...if you haven't watched him call a game, I highly recommend it.
   

That's all! Happy Memorial Day! Goodnight!

Travis Thechimp Mets Uniform

I take great pleasure in reading through the search terms that lead people to this blog. Sometimes, they make sense. Last month, for example, people arrived at Third Base or Bust by searching for "kinsler baby faced hamilton house bud lite" and "pictures of jose reyes crying." There were a lot of inquiries combining the words "cocaine" with "Darryl Strawberry" (thanks Paul) and "Montreal Expos" (thanks Matt). Many other people wanted to know if Scott and Grady Sizemore are brothers (THEY'RE NOT, OKAY? I WAS WRONG). And, of course, the steady stream of those seeking "Mark Teixeira weird face" photos continued.

After reading through all of these reasonable gateway words, I was thoroughly baffled by a phrase at the very end of the list: "travis thechimp mets uniform." Travis the chimp Mets uniform? It took me about ten minutes of futile memory scanning and 25 seconds of Google searching to remember the post I wrote about a Connecticut housechimp that had to be gunned down by local police after going berserk in February of 2009. I don't know if this is Travis, but for the one person in the universe who visited our blog hoping to find a photo of a chimp in a Mets uniform, your search is over:


To the person who wanted to find "third base or die blog," well, we're not quite ready to get that extreme. Check back next year. And to the person who long-ago searched for "the past is always with us," are you my Bergson-reading, life-fearing, yak-dragging, sports-loving psychic other? Or did you click on the search link and immediately wonder, "WTF, Derek Jeter??!?!"

The Long Halladay Weekend

Rebounding from last week's uncharacteristically short and mediocre start against the Boston Red Sox, Phillie ace Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game tonight against the Florida Marlins. It was the second perfect game of the year*, the second ever for the Phillie franchise, and the 20th in MLB history. As Kei aptly tweeted, "I'm sorry that Halladay pitched a perfect game in Florida but I'm sure all 40 people were excited to witness history." Haha. When your fan promotions are "Mermaid Swimsuit Calendars" and not Snoopy dolls or Andre Ethier action figures**, maybe it's time to take a serious look at the state of your organization's soul.

In related news, Roy Halladay also smiled for the first time in 33 years. Here's proof:

Jayson Werth's hair is unbelievable. Is it weird that I miss the exhilarating
hatred I felt towards him last year when he was my Fantasy nemesis?

I watched the game at home on MLB.tv while eating crackers and salad dressing. To keep my heart rate down, I read Tolstoy in between innings. Here are some serviceable screengrabs from the ninth:

Top: The Phillies' one run was UNEARNED.
Have you losers heard of RUN SUPPORT?
Middle: The smiling begins. Would the Marlins have more fans
if they improved their scoreboard graphics?
Bottom: Oh hey, it's Cole Hamels! I saw him on Thursday at Citi Field.
(No stars fell out of the sky. The universe remains mostly unchanged.)

If you'd like to read a recap of the game, MLB.com has this one and Tyler Kepner of the New York Times has this one. I can't wait for the Letterman Top Ten list. While I doubt that Doc will top Burls in the "adorableness" category, hearing him try (or not try) to appear interested in trying to be funny will be...STRANGE.

Today also marked Derek Jeter's 15 year anniversary of major league play. In his first game, he went 0-5 against the Mariners and then ate hamburgers at a Seattle McDonald's with his father. I thought about eating a McDonald's hamburger for dinner in his honor, but instead, like I said, I wound up eating crackers and salad dressing while watching Roy Halladay pitch a perfect game.

CONGRATULATIONS DOC! CONGRATULATIONS DEREK JETER! You're the only two players I've started in 100% of my fantasy baseball games and I love you both.

*I didn't blog about Dallas Braden's perfect game because I don't really care about him and he has an unattractive fantasy baseball mugshot. His Letterman Top Ten is suspiciously similar to Buehrle's. Come on. I could write better jokes than that.
**The Dodgers also have a series of decade themed poster promotions, including the Torre 60's, the Casey Blake 70's, the Matt Kemp 80's and the Andre Ethier 90's. In case you're wondering (like I did), Joe Torre was born in 1940, Casey Blake was born in 1973, Matt Kemp was born in 1984 and Andre Ethier was born in 1982.

If You Like Crying About Sports, You Will Like This Video

What's a Marcus Thames?

It's about half an hour after the end of tonight's epic Yankees-Red Sox game and "Papelbum" is the #3 local trending topic on Twitter. Why? Because he came into the ninth inning of a 7-9 game and gave up a 2-run home run to A-Rod. Then, he gave up a 2-out walk-off homer to Marcus Thames. WHAT'S A MARCUS THAMES? Kei, writing from Japan, was kind enough to inform me that Marcus Thames is a baseball player who used to work for the Tigers:

This is what Wikipedia has to say about Marcus Thames:

His nickname, "Slick", is the result of getting his hair cut too short when he was four years old.^[9]

What a strange way to get a nickname. Congratulations Yankees! See you again tomorrow! I hope Derek Jeter hits a grand slam.

Happy Birthday, Barry Zito!

"Zito is the poster child of how athletes get caught in long-term challenging planetary cycles.... Certain planetary alignments can create cycles of low physical vitality and low psychological energy, as well as feelings of discouragement, vulnerability and depression. This dark night of the soul for Zito will continue throughout the entire 2008 season." -Andrea Mallis, Sports Astrologer

Just as time heals all wounds, so does it move the celestial bodies that conspire for or against our individual and collaborative destinies. This will be an exciting and highly successful year for Tauruses working in the entertainment industry, with the second half of the year yielding even more rewards than the first. Capricorn provides a steadfast and responsible father figure for Taurus, resulting in a stable and prosperous pairing. With Jenni managing Barry Zito on her Grinnell College Fantasy Team, the two will enjoy 20+ wins, a rock solid ERA, and a golden trophy in 2010. The universe will take care of you. The universe is full of love. The universe put you together to be Fantasy Baseball Champions.

Remembrance of Things Past

Last year, during our blog's rookie season, Sam and I co-hosted a trip to a Staten Island Yankees game. We made t-shirts and ate a lot of hamburgers.


This year, we're upgrading to the big leagues (if it doesn't rain). I'm sorry that we didn't have time to invite you. After future podcast producer and longtime reader Phil wouldn't pick up his phone, we got discouraged and bought the e-tickets alone. White Sox-Yankees! Buehrle v. Hughes! This game was made for us!

I spent approximately 10 minutes this morning trying to rationally dissect my love for Burls and Hughes and decided that I like them for the same reason: they both look like they spend a lot of time thinking about dogs and Proust. Me too! Dogs and Proust and baseball. Why do dogs exist? Why do people read Proust? WHEN CAN I WATCH MORE BASEBALL? This blog post has put me behind schedule. Sam, wait for me at Union Square! Forever 21, second floor?