Travis Thechimp Mets Uniform

I take great pleasure in reading through the search terms that lead people to this blog. Sometimes, they make sense. Last month, for example, people arrived at Third Base or Bust by searching for "kinsler baby faced hamilton house bud lite" and "pictures of jose reyes crying." There were a lot of inquiries combining the words "cocaine" with "Darryl Strawberry" (thanks Paul) and "Montreal Expos" (thanks Matt). Many other people wanted to know if Scott and Grady Sizemore are brothers (THEY'RE NOT, OKAY? I WAS WRONG). And, of course, the steady stream of those seeking "Mark Teixeira weird face" photos continued.

After reading through all of these reasonable gateway words, I was thoroughly baffled by a phrase at the very end of the list: "travis thechimp mets uniform." Travis the chimp Mets uniform? It took me about ten minutes of futile memory scanning and 25 seconds of Google searching to remember the post I wrote about a Connecticut housechimp that had to be gunned down by local police after going berserk in February of 2009. I don't know if this is Travis, but for the one person in the universe who visited our blog hoping to find a photo of a chimp in a Mets uniform, your search is over:


To the person who wanted to find "third base or die blog," well, we're not quite ready to get that extreme. Check back next year. And to the person who long-ago searched for "the past is always with us," are you my Bergson-reading, life-fearing, yak-dragging, sports-loving psychic other? Or did you click on the search link and immediately wonder, "WTF, Derek Jeter??!?!"

The Long Halladay Weekend

Rebounding from last week's uncharacteristically short and mediocre start against the Boston Red Sox, Phillie ace Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game tonight against the Florida Marlins. It was the second perfect game of the year*, the second ever for the Phillie franchise, and the 20th in MLB history. As Kei aptly tweeted, "I'm sorry that Halladay pitched a perfect game in Florida but I'm sure all 40 people were excited to witness history." Haha. When your fan promotions are "Mermaid Swimsuit Calendars" and not Snoopy dolls or Andre Ethier action figures**, maybe it's time to take a serious look at the state of your organization's soul.

In related news, Roy Halladay also smiled for the first time in 33 years. Here's proof:

Jayson Werth's hair is unbelievable. Is it weird that I miss the exhilarating
hatred I felt towards him last year when he was my Fantasy nemesis?

I watched the game at home on MLB.tv while eating crackers and salad dressing. To keep my heart rate down, I read Tolstoy in between innings. Here are some serviceable screengrabs from the ninth:

Top: The Phillies' one run was UNEARNED.
Have you losers heard of RUN SUPPORT?
Middle: The smiling begins. Would the Marlins have more fans
if they improved their scoreboard graphics?
Bottom: Oh hey, it's Cole Hamels! I saw him on Thursday at Citi Field.
(No stars fell out of the sky. The universe remains mostly unchanged.)

If you'd like to read a recap of the game, MLB.com has this one and Tyler Kepner of the New York Times has this one. I can't wait for the Letterman Top Ten list. While I doubt that Doc will top Burls in the "adorableness" category, hearing him try (or not try) to appear interested in trying to be funny will be...STRANGE.

Today also marked Derek Jeter's 15 year anniversary of major league play. In his first game, he went 0-5 against the Mariners and then ate hamburgers at a Seattle McDonald's with his father. I thought about eating a McDonald's hamburger for dinner in his honor, but instead, like I said, I wound up eating crackers and salad dressing while watching Roy Halladay pitch a perfect game.

CONGRATULATIONS DOC! CONGRATULATIONS DEREK JETER! You're the only two players I've started in 100% of my fantasy baseball games and I love you both.

*I didn't blog about Dallas Braden's perfect game because I don't really care about him and he has an unattractive fantasy baseball mugshot. His Letterman Top Ten is suspiciously similar to Buehrle's. Come on. I could write better jokes than that.
**The Dodgers also have a series of decade themed poster promotions, including the Torre 60's, the Casey Blake 70's, the Matt Kemp 80's and the Andre Ethier 90's. In case you're wondering (like I did), Joe Torre was born in 1940, Casey Blake was born in 1973, Matt Kemp was born in 1984 and Andre Ethier was born in 1982.

If You Like Crying About Sports, You Will Like This Video

What's a Marcus Thames?

It's about half an hour after the end of tonight's epic Yankees-Red Sox game and "Papelbum" is the #3 local trending topic on Twitter. Why? Because he came into the ninth inning of a 7-9 game and gave up a 2-run home run to A-Rod. Then, he gave up a 2-out walk-off homer to Marcus Thames. WHAT'S A MARCUS THAMES? Kei, writing from Japan, was kind enough to inform me that Marcus Thames is a baseball player who used to work for the Tigers:

This is what Wikipedia has to say about Marcus Thames:

His nickname, "Slick", is the result of getting his hair cut too short when he was four years old.^[9]

What a strange way to get a nickname. Congratulations Yankees! See you again tomorrow! I hope Derek Jeter hits a grand slam.

Happy Birthday, Barry Zito!

"Zito is the poster child of how athletes get caught in long-term challenging planetary cycles.... Certain planetary alignments can create cycles of low physical vitality and low psychological energy, as well as feelings of discouragement, vulnerability and depression. This dark night of the soul for Zito will continue throughout the entire 2008 season." -Andrea Mallis, Sports Astrologer

Just as time heals all wounds, so does it move the celestial bodies that conspire for or against our individual and collaborative destinies. This will be an exciting and highly successful year for Tauruses working in the entertainment industry, with the second half of the year yielding even more rewards than the first. Capricorn provides a steadfast and responsible father figure for Taurus, resulting in a stable and prosperous pairing. With Jenni managing Barry Zito on her Grinnell College Fantasy Team, the two will enjoy 20+ wins, a rock solid ERA, and a golden trophy in 2010. The universe will take care of you. The universe is full of love. The universe put you together to be Fantasy Baseball Champions.

Remembrance of Things Past

Last year, during our blog's rookie season, Sam and I co-hosted a trip to a Staten Island Yankees game. We made t-shirts and ate a lot of hamburgers.


This year, we're upgrading to the big leagues (if it doesn't rain). I'm sorry that we didn't have time to invite you. After future podcast producer and longtime reader Phil wouldn't pick up his phone, we got discouraged and bought the e-tickets alone. White Sox-Yankees! Buehrle v. Hughes! This game was made for us!

I spent approximately 10 minutes this morning trying to rationally dissect my love for Burls and Hughes and decided that I like them for the same reason: they both look like they spend a lot of time thinking about dogs and Proust. Me too! Dogs and Proust and baseball. Why do dogs exist? Why do people read Proust? WHEN CAN I WATCH MORE BASEBALL? This blog post has put me behind schedule. Sam, wait for me at Union Square! Forever 21, second floor?

Loveable Loser

Mark Buerhle, along with stupid Chad Billingsley, you blew up my ERA in both of my Fantasy leagues this week. Because you are so adorable, though, I forgive you.


I'm going to use this face the next time I break the photocopier at work. Better yet, I'll get this photo printed on business cards to hand out or mail after committing social blunders. I'll also make a set for Phil so that he can formally apologize for all of the terrible things he did and said at dinner last Monday.

Mrs. Kemp

I feel obligated to report that Rihanna has officially stated that she is dating Matt Kemp. She was in the stands yesterday at the Dodgers game, and I couldn't help but admire her baseball-cheering style in these photos. She looks so cool!!!

I thought maybe she was trying to keep a low profile. I wonder if that's an Alyssa Milano hoodie; for some reason, I kind of hope not. And while that looks like some simple white t-shirt, I'll bet you the price tag has three digits. Or maybe it's a Hanes tshirt that just looks really awesome because it's Rihanna and that's the way it is. Anyway, I love all her accessories.

She doesn't look like she cares about low profiles here. This must be when Kemp hit a home run.

I love her makeup! Though I don't really have the proper eyelids to showcase eyeshadow or liner like RiRi, I thought about doing this for other teams, but then I realized the White Sox don't really have colors. Maybe I can throw some green in for Southpaw.

The last image is by Getty. I couldn't find a watermark-free version so I had to take a screengrab from the British MTV's site. I seriously considered BUYING the photo from Getty's website, but the pricing was complicated and when I tried to navigate it, they said they were gonna charge $164 or something. Ha! Please, this is the Internet.

Today We Remembered the Things We Went Crazy About Last Year

A-Rod, so evil, so well moisturized. Those diamonds really bring out the green in your eyes, Alex.


You're probably really tired of me telling you who won the World Series last year. It wasn't the Angels. Matsui got traded this winter.


Of course Derek Jeter hit a home run on Yankee Stadium Opening Day! Here's a photo of him hitting a single.


Guess who else hit a home run this afternoon? Beardless Casey Blake! Maybe it's time to reset the counter. Or should we just start this year at 18 and go up from there? THE PAST IS ALWAYS WITH US.

Please, please, please, for the love of Iowa, cover that chin. Joe Torre, is this your doing?

More Opening Day Memories

Jenni's Opening Day Memories were quite inspiring, so I thought I'd share some of my own through photos I've saved from Yahoo's photo gallery. These photos are not related to the actual playing of baseball. To be honest, I'm kind of overwhelmed by the start of baseball and managing four fantasy leagues (two of which are daily), so my thoughts are quite disorganized and more incoherent than usual. It appears that I'm also coming down with a bug of sorts, which may have added to the frenzy. Jenni and I are twins, after all--though I have yet to take black capsule pills to get better. Anyway, here are my favorite images from Opening Day and some rambling commentary.

Pedro looks so happy.

I don't know much about this tradition of singing Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" at sporting events, but I do know that Puck sang it to Rachel on "Glee." I was incredibly pleased to hear Diamond singing it live at the game during the radio broadcast of the Yankees vs. Red Sox game.

I like the use of quotes on the guy's sweatshirt.

LOS METS! It's telling that the guy's hand is totally obscuring Jose Reyes. Let's hope he has a good, healthy return tomorrow. Los Mets can't be competing for second-to-last place against the Nationals. That's just too sad.

Are those CRUSTACEANS on the grill? What?

I don't like the Cubs, but damn, I felt really sorry for them when Jason Heyward did the MASHY on Zambrano. Jenni sent me this good article about Heyward. When the Braves come to Wrigley, I'll be sure to hide the car by going somewhere on the south side. Lawrence's Fisheries, anyone?

The caption for this photo read something like, "A band performs at the Kansas City Royals game." A BAND.

Here are the Royals dancers. I wish the girls in the front would be a little more coordinated.

Yeah BOSS DALEY! Who runs the best city in the world? A White Sox fan.

Best mascot ever. This image fills me with hope--not for the White Sox, not for baseball, but for humanity. THIS IS BEYOND BASEBALL.

Bonus image from MLB.TV: a nice view of Chone Figgin's head.

Bonus images (or penalty images, depending on your disposition towards the Marlins) for the Marlins' home opener (I realize there are many home openers that were not on Opening Day, but in my being overwhelmed, and in Yahoo not having photographic records of all home openers, this is what I have so far):

MERMAIDS!

Jenni also had sent me this article about Hanely Ramirez's necklace. There were no images of the necklace itself, so I was very glad to see this picture. I appreciate the photographer using the flash so we can all get a glimpse of the teal diamond as a decimal point.

This is really a penalty image; sorry. Creed's singer, Scott Something, sang the national anthem at the Marlins' home opener tonight. Do I need to say that the Dodgers beat the Marlins, 7-3? The Fish are doomed ￣︿￣

More rambling reports form my frazzled but excited brain to come!

A's Fans

I love these kids. Somehow they seem so American. I want to help them acquire Kurt Suzuki cards and autos and chauffeur them to and from A's games in a Honda Odyssey.

Cole Hamels is Okay!

Because the Yankees are enjoying a temporary reprieve from facing the Phillies in the World Series (Yanks beat Phils in 5 games, World Series 2010, I'm calling it now), I'm allowing myself to be slightly more objective about the Phillies lineup. While I will probably always hate Jayson Werth for the emotional turmoil he put me through last Fantasy season, I can now admit that Chutley is charming (even with the hair gel) and that Jimmy Rollins's shoe commercials are funny-ish.


Of course, I've loved/feared Roy Halladay since the beginning of my baseball fandom, when he still played for the Toronto Blue Jays. I love that he almost never smiles and, sadistically, I kind of love the way he so calmly and efficiently eliminates Yankee hitters. That said, I love him even more now that he plays in the NL East. Did you see what he did to the Nationals? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'LL DO TO THE METS? He's a supernatural force like Death. Loving him just makes sense.

For less explicable reasons, I'm also really high on Cole Hamels this year. In fact, I went out of my way to draft him in both of my Fantasy leagues. He looks vaguely like a CK One model and is married to a former cast member of Survivor. I hope that my faith in him is founded on more than just those two things. But who knows!

Anyway, it was with mild anxiety that I watched Cole Hamels start his first game tonight. I didn't think he'd be awful, but I wasn't sure he'd be great. And in fact, he wasn't. He was, you know, fine. Better than adequate. Supremely okay. I made up a song about him in the shower after the game:

You didn't do great,
But you did o-kay!
Cole Hamels,
Thanks for being okay!

Hahahahaha. I sang it five or six times with different verses. Hey Cole Hamels, tonight you were OKAY! Pitch six innings next time and I may upgrade you to PRETTY GOOD. I think you can do it!

A King Dethroned?

Is A.J. Burnett still the ugliest Yankee?

Welcome back to New York, Nick Johnson.

One more quick question: does Dustin Pedroia still look like a rodent?



YES, AND HE ALWAYS WILL.

Opening Day Memories

I thought about baseball so much this weekend that my brain caught on fire and I had to stay home from work with a fever today. Never fear...I went to my doctor and she gave me a bottle of BLACK CAPSULE PILLS to take twice daily, so it's likely that no permanent damage will occur. The upside of spending all of yesterday in a sickly haze is that I watched large segments of five different opening day games, as well as the Duke v. Butler game and Sunday night's Yankees-Red Sox beat down. Here are some highlights (in roughly chronological order):

1. BASEBALL STARTS....


2. ...hi Derek Jeter!!!!!!!


I was unhappy that the Yankees lost to the Red Sox on Sunday night. Red Sox fan Reid texted me on Monday morning to ask, "Are the Yankees going to win any games this year? Sure doesn't look like it now." To which I could only respond, "Yeah, probably only 103 like last year, starting some time in late May." It's important to remember that every team in the Major Leagues lost at least 59 games last year...that's a lot of losing!!!

3. Obama in the booth at the Phillies-Nationals game:

Obama threw his pitch high and outside, then he got in the booth and made fun of the Chicago Cubs. You can watch the video on MLB.tv, or you can just read the funniest part, which I transcribed below.

"The nice thing about the Sox is that it's a real blue collar baseball team. We always tease about the Cubs that they're up at Wrigley, sipping wine, playing day games...they're having a good time."

At first, I thought that it was rude of Obama to wear a White Sox hat while pitching for the Nationals, especially since the Nats are awful and need as much fan love as possible. But then I was reminded that the most important thing in baseball-- even beyond not making losers feel bad about being losers-- is being true to your team. This is why I will wear a Yankees hat when I'm inevitably asked to throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the I-Cubs.

4. Roy Halladay Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 12 strikeouts, 1.29 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and he got a single!

5. Mark Buehrle Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 3 strikeouts, 0.00 ERA, 0.57 WHIP...AND HE MADE THE DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE CENTURY!! You might not be able to imagine it from the above photo, but Mark Buehrle is a total babe. These posts from the archive prove it.

6. Hi Johnny Damon!

I like him so much more now that he's on the Tigers. I don't know why.

7. Did Kung Fu Panda gain or lose weight?

San Fransisco fan MBW said that the panda looked larger than last year. But the New York Times claims that he's lost weight. You can read more about his diet, OPERATION PANDA, here. Mom's special lasagna...hahahahaha.

8. HI GRIFFEY!!!!

What's up, friend? Nice double. Don't get injured! We love you.

New Beginnings

Last year, it took 213 days to get here:


ARE YOU READY TO DO IT AGAIN? Yankees v. Red Sox, tomorrow at 8:05pm.