Schilling Sucks

I forgot how much I irrationally hate Curt Schilling until I saw that he announced that he was quitting baseball yesterday.

Curt Schilling, one of the finest and most clutch pitchers of his generation, announced his retirement Monday morning with his laptop. [emphasis added]

I'm sure part of my hatred is Schilling's outspoken political beliefs, but the truth is it goes much deeper than that. I hate his face, his bloody sock, and even reading about his retirement fills me with anxiety. I don't give a shit whether or not Curt Schilling is hall of fame material, but I kind of hope he isn't. So good riddance Curt Schilling, here's a couple ugly pictures of your face.

Baseball's Brat Pack

I was reading some meaningless article about Tom Glavine and I was struck how this is a guy who has been around forever and has never really aged. I'm not going to say he looks like a youngster or anything, but he doesn't look like the 70 year old he actually is:


Sure, he's probably not as skinny or "in shape" as he once was, but he still looks pretty spry.

But then I looked up what baby Glavin used to look like...


That's right - the spitting image of a young Anthony Michael Hall!

Minus the women, who obviously can't be cast in this thought experiment, who else would fill in a baseball Breakfast Club... Maybe a wigged Kevin Youkilis as burnout Judd Nelson? But WHAT ABOUT JOCK EMILIO ESTEVEZ? If only Charlie Sheen was a real baseball player!

WHO IS THE MOST FIERCE?

Finally, a culture that knows how to judge baseball players.

Here's USA (and Cubs) loser Ted Lilly being grilled by the foreign media about the World Baseball Classic.


The reporter looks earnest and Ted Lilly looks a little confused, but the question is a hard one... WHO IS THE MOST FIERCE?

For my money it's surely Ichiro, but what do you think?

The Cuban Missile

It's true... I wrote an e-mail from another continent I was so upset that Jenni denigrated White Sox 2nd baseman Alexei Ramirez in her round up of the AL Central.

Though I got some support from Kei in the comments, I think Alexei needs a little more defending. I'll admit that he looks a little like a chipmunk...


And according to Google image search appears to have a strong tendency to be photographed with his hands in the air...


But watch this video and tell me that there is not something kind of cute about this stringy infielder. Look at him pow-wow with Konerko after the play. I don't even think they speak the same language!



Maybe not quite as handsome as the Sox's last 2nd baseman, but close.

Chili or bust

Jenni and friends have done an amazing job over the past several weeks while I mysteriously disappeared on a holiday. But I've returned home and am looking forward to completing some divisional rankings in Jenni's excellent scientific manner as opposed to my biased ad hoc ramblings. And I'm also pumped to respond to some of the awesome (and controversial) material I've missed.

In honor of coming back from South America I was hoping to find a couple Chilean or Argentinian players that I could talk about. But from the best I can tell I don't think there has ever been a professional baseball player from either of those countries. Crazy. And I'll leave my Manu post for another day.

So instead I thought I would say a little about the closest thing I could find, Charles Theodore "Chili" Davis, better known as the 'Jamaican Sensation.'


Chili Davis apparently got the nickname after he got a bad haircut or something, but looks pretty solid here (admittedly with a hat on). He's also the first Jamaican born player to play in the big leagues.

Be sure to check out his awesome website which includes a flash intro of a single he hit in the 1998 World Series: http://www.chilidavis.net/

Well, it's not that sweet, it's mostly under construction and wont even confirm the wiki story about his hideous hair.

You can also schedule a round of golf with him! (via this guy)

Maybe one of these kids forced to mow the lawn in Buenos Aires can be the first player from Argentina.


Please don't read the whole article that this photo is from about Argentinian youth and baseball - it is long and boring. However, it does include this sentimental quote from Argentinian Jorge Ramia, "if you love baseball, it is like a drug... Once you are in it, it is too difficult to get out." He also includes the caveat "I am not the 'king of baseball.'"

Back in the thick of it!

AL East

Baseball is a game of numbers, so I used unbiased mathematical formulas to determine my divisional rankings.

First, of course, are the New York Yankees, who averaged an impressive 7.5 on a scale of 1-10.

Home Run Derby: Robbie Cano, Andy Pettite, Mariano Rivera

The team score was skewed by the fact that I gave Robinson Cano a perfect 10, but he deserves it. Look at him smiling in that cheerleader's uniform! Go Robbie! I like Andy Pettite despite his hardcore religious beliefs and human growth hormone usage. He conforms nicely to Grady-metrics, so I gave him an 8. Also, Mariano Rivera has a beautiful smile. He shut down the competition with a 7.

Evil Empire: Shelley Duncan, A-Rod with Spitzer, Nick Swisher

Just to prove that I was at least slightly fair in my rankings, here are three Yankees that make me gag. Shelley Duncan? Gross! He got a 2. A-Rod got a 3 (he may have an awful soul, but he's not totally unfortunate looking). And Nick Swisher, well, Sam's already been over that. He got a 1. Maybe I should have given him a 0.

In second-place are the Baltimore Orioles, who averaged a 5.6 for their complete non-offensiveness.

Nice Birdies: Koji Uehara, Felix Pie, Nick Markakis

I saw Koji Uehara play back when he was with the Yomiuri Giants, so he is a sentimental favorite. I gave him an 8, but he probably only really deserves a 7. Felix Pie got a 7.5 initially, but I bumped it to an 8 because of his awesome name. And then Nick Markakis, the requisite Homecoming-King-of-Cow-Pie-High-type, got a 7.

Eh, Whatever: Jamie Walker, George Sherill and Matt Weither...I'm not even sure who's who.

Boring looking white dudes. Whatever. They collectively scored a 2.5. The Orioles are not a team that I've ever thought about before and I doubt I'll think about them much in the future. Just one more example of how far mediocrity can take you in America.

Third, we've got the Jays and the Rays, who tied with scores of 4.85 and 4.82 respectively. Okay, so 4.85 is obviously more points that 4.82, but I started questioning my initial judgments after my first few forays into the Google image archives. And Jays and Rays rhyme so it's probably okay to lump them together, here.

Handsome(ish) Devils: Gabe Kapler (8), Willy Aybar (7), Akinori Iwamura (8 at first glance)

No Sting Rays: Grant Balfour (2), James Shields HANDS OFF (2), Dioner Navarro (3)

Can I just say that I HATE the Tampa Bay Rays? I hate their stupid Wall Street owners. I hate Bossman Junior Upton. I hate their uniforms. I hate their mascot. I hate them. Now that I've seen multiple photos of him on the internet, Akinori Iwamura is getting demoted to, like, a 5 at best. Mugshots can be so deceptive!

Flying Solo: Alex Rios of the Toronto Blue Jays (7.5)

More Boring White Dudes: Travis Snider, Jerry Litsch, Michael Barrett...all 2's

I am so bored by most of the Jays players that I can't be bothered to spell check the way I scrawled their names down on my score card. That Alex Rios is a looker, though. His birthday is on February 18th and he'll be 28, just like I am. Soul mates?!

And in fifth place, to NO ONE'S surprise, we've got the Boston Red Sox with a team average of 3.76...not as low as I expected!

Red Hot Enough: Big Papi, Jed Lowrie, Jacoby Ellsbury

Okay, I know I'm not supposed to admit this, but I like the Red Sox more than I like the Rays. Still, they are not a nice-looking team. Big Papi and Jed Lowrie got 5's and Jacoby Ellsbury led his team with a 6. You know you're a bad looking team when your power hitter (as it were) gets a 6.

Red Sux: Dustin Pedroia, Josh Beckett, Brad Penny

Dustin Pedroia got a 1. LOOK AT HIM. That's all the explanation required. Josh Beckett and Brad Penny got 2's. With faces like those, who cares if they're good at baseball? Wait...is Brad Penny good at baseball? Eh. On Third Base or Bust, it doesn't matter either way.

There you have it! Next Friday, the AL Central. Have a long love-filled weekend and see you on Monday!

Doppelgänger!

Hot off the wire from the AP:

He signed autographs, sweet-talked star-struck women and even scored free food and drinks at bars and restaurants by claiming he was New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain.

But in reality, he was 30-year-old Ryan Ward, a Toms River man who looks a lot like the Yankees star and claims he was just having fun.

Here's a photo of the impersonator...


Jenni has said "Joba Chamberlain's circular face makes my heart hurt. I like him so much that I wish I were his mom."

I don't know, this guy looks a lot like the original, and frankly, the original isn't exactly the cat's pajamas. Here's a picture of him with Yankees co-captain steroid-user A-ROD.

He looks a little like Fred Flinstone to me.

Onesie

In response to Beth's post on bruiser Pete Rose, Jenni posted a link to a picture that was too great to be left languishing in the comments...


Jenni questioned its authenticity, but it is for sure real... The interweb says it's from a 1977 Jockey ad that appeared in Playboy.

But Pete Rose wasn't the only model! I came across another photo from the same campaign that I thought deserved some additional recognition.


Here's hall of fame pitcher Steve Carlton sporting a onesie. According to wikipedia the main purpose of a onesie "is to cover a diaper when worn." I don't know why a potty trained individual, let alone a professional athlete would need to wear such a garment. Maybe he just liked the print. I suppose Steve gets a couple bonus points for the mustache and that fierce stare, but on the whole I'd go with Pete Rose over him any day.

Here's a blog post that has all of the professional athletes from the 77' Jockey campaign. Lets just say that the baseball players don't fare quite as well compared to the athletes from sports where you actually have to be in shape.

Justice*

While I am tempted to say something flattering about A-R*D (hahaha, get it?) to razz Jenni, I've decided to try and show some restraint.

Instead, I went through the ole 'Mitchell Report' and picked out a steroid-using blast from the past:

David Justice

Don't let that vest fool you, he used to be a baseball player!

While there might be some other gems buried in there, from a quick glance at the players named in the 'Mitchell Report' that I recognized without having to look up their picture, David Justice is definitely the most attractive. Look at that scar on his forehead. That shows he's tough. But ignore that hideous tattoo.

Plus, in elementary school I was a baseball card of David Justice for Halloween! I looked like a fool.

Prince among Men

Since he's bound to be a popular 'hot fatty' pick, I wanted to get my two cents in there quickly on one of the most lovable fat men (currently) playing in the MLB: Prince Fielder.


Price Fielder is not just chubby, he is overweight. Depending on his BMI he may even be obese. He's listed on the official Brewers site as 5-11, 270 lbs, which as a 5-11 person myself I can assure you is HUGE. And just looking at that picture above, you know they were probably using a generous scale for the official weigh-in.

I know he's got that gross tat on his neck, which probably says something like "douche" in Korean, but look at that lovable mug. His face is straight-up squeezable. I really hope some recent lifestyle changes don't accidentally slim him down.

Plus, he's really good at baseball! And for a big man, he can run.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=702914446790

Five for Fighting (for)

Well, after much consideration here is my Top 5:

#5 Mark Grace - formerly of the Chicago Cubs and some other team in the Southwest.

I've decided to include two pictures (goatee and sans goatee) to show how versatile Mark Grace is. As a fair weather White Sox fan, I know that any kind of 'cubs love' or 'cubs awareness' is discouraged. However, clean-cut Mark Grace is pretty good looking. In fact, according to this unofficial fan site that I found, "Grace's rugged good looks have earned him legions of female fans." Well, a couple male ones as well.

I know many people may be aware of certain rumors about Mark Grace that have circulated amongst the internet. I'm sure they're all true. The wikipedia page for "slumpbuster" automatically redirects to Mark Grace's wikipedia page. And I swear I didn't just do that myself.

#4 CJ Wilson - Texas Rangers

In full disclosure I had never even heard of CJ Wilson, some lackluster closer, until earlier this week when he was floated my direction by a buddy of mine. But boy, look at that smile and grungy hair! Plus, he's got a blog and he's not afraid to throw some bombs.

#3 Carlos Quentin - World Champion Chicago White Sox (well in 2005 anyway)

Here's Carlos Quentin giving an interview to Chicago's own alternative rock station Q101. Talk about honest faces! Enough said!

Plus, check out here for a sweet college pic.

#2 Casey Blake - Formerly of the Cleveland Indians

Just so its clear that my fawning over Casey Blake is not entirely due to his facial hair, here is a photo without that gloriously full beard. I know he looks a little cross-eyed in this photo, but with that strong chin line and those war markings on his face you can't go wrong.

#1 Vladimir Guerrero - Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

I know that this might be a slightly controversial pick, or at least it was when his attractiveness was debated the other night at my house. BUT, I think Vlad looks great. He's got that wild hair and all that pine tar on his helmet, which projects that 'I just don't give a shit attitude.' Plus, he's got a pretty kick-ass name. From certain angles he looks like Omar from "The Wire." Plus, he was on my fantasy team (The Losers) for two years.

2nd Disclaimer: I reserve the right to revise this list as I am exposed to baseball players other than those who: (1) were on my fantasy team; or (2) are/were Chicago White Sox players.

First Thing *NOT* First

Hello Internets and bravo to Jenni and guest blogger for getting things started! I'm not sure I'm on board with all of Jenni's top 5, but I'll get to that in a minute.

I plan on devoting a lot more time this baseball season to gauging physical attractiveness, but for starters I wanted to share a baseball player that I think is one of the ugliest in the game!

Nick Swisher - New York Yankees (via Athletics and White Sox).

It can only get better from here on out! And believe me, that is the most attractive photo I could find.

As I mentioned above, I'll continue studying Jenni's list closely, but right off the bat (pun intended) there is no doubt that Casey Blake would also be on my top 5...

His beard cuts like a knife! It's true that I also used to have a beard and that its fullness might be clouding my judgment. But I don't think so. He looks like a movie star! In fact, he looks an awful loot like this guy from 300. (via here)

But Derek Jeter... he might be in the top quarter of my class, but top 5? NEVER!


















My remaining top 4 will be coming soon!

Disclaimer: I, like Jenni, have not seen approximately 80% of all baseball players. I mainly follow the Chicago White Sox by looking at box scores/standings on the internet every other week. Sometimes as much as once a week if the Sox are in the playoffs. Also, I know a couple names from two years of playing fantasy baseball, which I was not asked back to this year due to negligence and poor performance.