A New Unfortunate Thing That My Brain Did to Itself

Sometimes I have ideas that involve trying things that I've never tried before.  Today, my idea was to watch to guided imagery meditation YouTube videos while simultaneously listening to the end of the Yankees-Blue Jays game on the radio.  This was not a good idea.  The music made me visualize hypnotic raccoon faces leering at me from the Darkness of My Unknown Mind.  This felt bad, but instead of turning it off, I stopped focusing on my Inner Thoughts and made this picture:

While I was Photoshopping DJ, he hit a home run and tied the game at 7-7 in the ninth inning.  Why did THAT happen?  The music makes me feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of ice cold red Gatorade.  The music makes me feel like animals can talk.  The music makes the place between my eyeballs hurt.  One million, eight hundred and one thousand and thirty nine (1,801,039) people watched this video before I did.  One million, eight hundred and one thousand and thirty nine people have been subconsciously effecting the outcomes of Yankee games since this video was uploaded in September 2011.  Please do not listen to this music if your secret brain hates the Yankees.  

I guess I should be happy that I've used a free internet resource to unleash my psychokinetic sports powers, but I don't feel very good.  I will probably have awful dreams tonight and the Yankees still haven't won the game.

This is Not Good

This is the kind of picture that populates the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery these days:

Disorienting cropping, static straight-ahead camera angles, noticeable lack of Derek Jeter.  Who is this person?  Evan Longoria.  What does his hair look like? Indiscernible.  After all, what else could anyone possibly want to know about Evan Longoria? Nothing!

My quality of life directly correlates to the quality of the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. I may never know what anyone looks like again.  What will I put on this blog? Acrostic poems about my favorite athletes, I guess.  Here's my first two:

1.
Day after day,
Even when I am
Reasonably happy, I spend at least one minute thinking about how in-
Evitably, Derek Jeter is getting older.  It
Keeps happening.  There's no reason to take it personally. It's

Just something that is happening.
Every day,
The past gets larger and larger, like a floating yak that can't stop
Eating.  Someday this insatiable ghost yak, or whatever it is, will consume you.
Realistically, thankfully, I doubt that Derek Jeter has considered his spirit animal of death.

2.
Please be good at football this year.
Eli has already won two Superbowls.
You deserve another one,
Two, three, four
Or five...just kidding. You're probably too old for four.
Not that I know anything about the lifespans of professional athletes.

M
A
N
N
I also don't know why you're in that boring car commercial.
N
G

Someone please fix the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. Writing poetry is stupid and hard.

Great Job, DJ

Tonight, the internet is talking about whether or not Derek Jeter can amass 1,001 hits and break Pete Roses's all-time hits record.  People say that he would have to play until he's in his late 40's. Go for it, DJ! You're already the world's best person. You might as well try to become the world's-best-person-who-has-also-hit-more-baseballs-than-any-other-person.  By then, I'll also be in my 40's and will have hit no baseballs in any context.  That's okay. We all have our own paths in life.

Something I would like the internet to tell me: what happened to the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery?  Where else can I go to see hundreds of unsorted photos of unfamous MLB players? I had to use this un-new photo of Derek Jeter that Google unearthed from some unknown corner of the universe.  Oh well. Who cares about representing things as they are? Who really cares about the truth?

Congratulations to the Derek Jeter of today, yesterday, 10+ years from now and forever.  Thanks to the internet, you'll always be our one and only timeless Jeter.

Proof that I will watch any baseball game / Proof that every game is worth watching

A few weeks ago, I had to stay late at work and wait for our computer tech to install some software on our inventory laptops.  I should also have asked him to fix MLB.tv because it wasn't working properly.  The game I chose wasn't of any particular personal interest and the video feed was heavily distorted, but I very much enjoyed the hour or so I spent watching it.  ART. It's everywhere (especially if you work in an art gallery).  When I finally open Jenni's Sports Art Gallery, I'll definitely have at least one exhibition of "Bizarre Photos I took While Watching MLB.tv, 2010-2022*."**

At this point, I'll watch pretty much any Major League game.  There's always something worth observing: mascots doing telethon fundraisers, the length of Cole's hair, a franchise's first perfect game.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? KING FELIX PITCHED A PERFECT GAME! Here are some photos from the ninth inning:

I sort of like that this happened after Ichiro got traded to the Yankees.  Otherwise, the joy of Felix's accomplishment could have transitioned into awkward reflections on the slumping decline of Seattle's other superstar.  Instead, everyone got to feel UNTAINTED, EXHILARATING AMAZEMENT, which is one of the many things that sports can make you feel.*** 

Watch MLB.tv.  See things.  Feel things. 

*Or whenever.
**I generate so many "Photos of MLB.tv." I could exhibit completely new sets of them every month (winter included) for the next ten years. However, at Jenni's Sports Art Gallery, you'll be able to see a wide variety of sports-related art, including my one sports painting, which is still not and may never be finished.
*** The other feelings being Anger, Happiness, Sadness, Prolonged Depression, The Mean Kind of Happiness that Stems from Someone Else's Sadness and UNTAINTED, UNEXHILARATING AGONY (in order of frequency).

What is this thing?

Apparently, its favorite book is Wuthering Heights.

The Mid-Season Best of Cole Hamels

Sometimes the world provides you with an opportunity to return to yourself and remember the things that make you like being you.  I've been re-reading "Tender is the Night" this week for the first time since my junior year in college, when I was living in Aix-en-Provence and it was one of only two English novels I owned.  Do you know how good that book is?  And how sad? I LOVE reading sad books and I love F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Another thing I LOVE is taking photos of Cole Hamels on my iPhone.  Here are four of my favorites from before the All-Star break.

(Do you ever wonder why I don't take photos of my favorite Yankees on my iPhone?  It's because MLB.tv blocks out local games.)

Tonight is a great night for baseball.  Strangely, I'm actually going to leave my house and meet the world on its own terms.  That's what highlights are for!  And the MLB.tv iPhone app. DO YOUR BEST COLE.  STRIKE OUT A LOT OF PEOPLE AND DON'T WALK ANYBODY.

A Scientific Exploration of the Cole Hamels Contract, My Brain, and Representational Lawn Gnome Art. I'm Kidding. Just Another Post about Cole Hamels.

I wasn't expecting Cole Hamels to stay with the Phillies, but life is nothing if not full of surprises.  I haven't decided if this is a good surprise or a bad surprise.  On the one hand, I was eagerly anticipating the thrill of buying Cole Hamels Dodgers t-shirts on eBay.  On the other hand, I was dreading having to weigh my love of Cole Hamels, the person, against my hatred of the Texas Rangers, the ball club and symbol of everything that I irrationally fear and loathe in life. (Why do I hate Texas? I don't know.  It's an idea that formed in a deep animal recess of my brain where terror reigns and no logic flows. I like Michael Young and I like Adrian Beltre.  In fact, I like Adrian Beltre so much that I woke up last night yelling "WHO HIT ADRIAN BELTRE" and stayed awake long enough to google "Adrian Beltre concussion."  What part of my brain prompted those actions?  Again, I don't know.  Life is nothing if not full of mysteries about our unquiet, unknowable, ever-working brains.)

And, on the third hand that doesn't exist (i.e. the hand that represents things that we can imagine with no basis in reality), I REALLY wanted Cole Hamels to end up with the Yankees.

Anyway, this not-as-exciting-not-as-awful-as-it-could-have-been news about Cole Hamels provided me with a nice opportunity to revisit the internet's vast holdings of Cole Hamels images.  These are not my favorite Cole Hamels images, but they do touch upon three things that have not previously been said about Cole Hamels on this blog:  1) he chews gum; 2) he would probably be good at Bikram yoga; and 3) someone made a Cole Hamels lawn gnome that looks nothing like Cole Hamels (this lawn gnome would probably also be good at yoga if it were alive or if yoga were just one eternal, unbroken lotus pose).

(Okay, probably I hate Texas because of what they did to the Yankees in the playoffs two years ago.)
(A greater mystery than that, perhaps, is why do I love Cole Hamels? One answer is that I decided many years ago that he and I shared a specific brand of existential angst.  Another answers is that I took a gamble on him Fantasy-wise that same year and it has mostly paid off.  Another answer is, I don't know.  Another answer is, I don't care to know.  Another answer is that life is nothing if not full of me talking and thinking excessively about Cole Hamels for reasons that no one knows or cares to uncover.)
(And the greatest mystery of this post, honestly, is who were they looking at when they made that Cole Hamels gnome because it doesn't even look like they tried.)

Enough for now.  Congratulations on your gigantically expensive contract, Cole.

Ichiro Laserbeam New York New York

I was hoping that Mercury being in retrograde would cause a cosmic malfunction that would send Cole Hamels to the Yankees.  Because the universe doesn't exist to please me, this happened instead:

Luckily, I love Ichiro and am perfectly fine with this bizarre rupture from The Way Things Were.  Cole, just please don't go to the Rangers and I'll survive.

Where will Ichiro live in New York?  Or will he move to NEW JERSEY?

Additionally

THANK YOU FOR BEING BORN!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday, DJ3K

Happy Birthday to the person I speak and listen to when I'm very depressed or confused about life, i.e. my Imaginary Friend Who is Also A Real Person that Has an Independent Life Beyond the Confines of My Brain.  Happy Birthday, Real Derek Jeter. I hope you can win the World Series and then have at least five more productive years before retiring and hiring me to curate and manage the Derek Jeter Museum.  Old age is coming, but it may be kind to us both.

I wish I could eat this snack stadium in honor of your birthday, but that's probably too much sodium.

Cole Hamels Suspended

Cole Hamels got a five-game suspension for throwing a ball at Bryce Harper's back.  I guess some people are angry at Cole for admitting that he did it intentionally.  I don't mind. I don't love him because he's articulate.

I love him because he looks so existentially burdened.  Me too, Cole, me too.

Don't Forget About Jayson Werth. I Never Will.

Jayson Werth is still out there, skulking around the outfield, making $18 million dollars a year and giving pre-humans their due representation in the Major Leagues.  There were a lot of photos of him in today's Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery, so I thought I'd share my three favorites with you.  I like these photos because each one of them teaches you something about Jayson Werth.

1. He's started using Chase Utley's hair gel.

2. He can roll his eyeballs all the way back into his head.

3. His arms aren't like other people's arms.

Maybe he's not pre-human. Maybe he's UNDEAD.  

I'm Mad Because My Favorite Hobby is Looking at Things

There were a lot of baseball things that I wanted to see yesterday and unfortunately I didn't get to see any of them.  The first unseeable event was the Yankee-Red Sox game celebrating 100 Years of Fenway Park.  I wonder how many people skipped work or school to see Dustin Pedroia wearing a 1912 throwback uniform.  My boss, despite his alleged Red Sox fan-dom, didn't let me stream the game at work.  Maybe he knew that Clay Buchholz would give up five home runs?  I have Buchholz on one of my Fantasy Teams and this still absolutely delighted me.

Wikipedia says that there's a section of Fenway Park called "Williamsburg."

Maybe I should go there on a tour of All The Worlds' Williamsburgs.

Top: The old Red Sox uniforms look better than their current uniforms. 

I am a big fan of ice-cream-man-themed ensembles.

Bottom: Look who finally crawled out of his bottomless pit of Sports Hell.

I am a big fan of Tom Brady's facial expression.  WHAT A JOKER.

The Yankees uniforms look mostly the same to me.  Here's Derek Jeter wearing striped socks and passing Dave Winfield on the all-time hits list:

Fantasy Baseball Super Star, Derek Jeter

And here's a photo of the Yankees celebrating their 6-2 win:

Did Tom Brady cry? But also feel relieved that

other people lose things, too?

The second unseeable event was Cole Hamels pitching against the Padres.  Yes, I tried to watch this game on my phone while I was at a bar and yes, I realize that this was ill-mannered of me and no, it didn't work.  MLB.tv wasn't working when I got home either, which resulted in a huge temper tantrum.  Seems like Cole was also fired up, as he hit this random person...

...and then later had to be physically restrained from arguing with the umpire after a called balk.

Honestly, in my opinion, that body language doesn't 

really say "I need to be restrained."

Good game, Cole.  I wish I could have seen it.  Were you still angry when you woke up this morning?  I was, but I'm getting better.  What are you doing this weekend?  I hear it's going to rain.

Baseball Makes People Happy

This is Munenori Kawasaki from Kagoshima. I'd like to go there someday.  I'm feeling overwhelmed by the changes to Blogger's back end, so I'm going to stop writing now.

Batter's Box

Yesterday I watched some of the White Sox home opener against the Tigers. I turned the game on and there was a delay in the first inning; it turned out that Miguel Cabrera had noticed that something was wrong with the location of the batter's box. From what I understood as I was watching the game, the batter's box was too close to the pitcher; I imagine Miggy going up to the batter's box and noticing that Jake Peavy was a lot closer than he should have been. Here's a play by play of what happened.

Later in the game, the White Sox announcers Steve Stone and Ken "Hawk" Harrelson both admitted they had never witnessed a redrawing of the batter's box before. And then later at night, Detroit announcer Rod Allen tweeted that he has been in "Pro Ball for 35 years and have never seen anything like what I witnessed today with Cabby. That's why he's a 'BEAST'". MLB Network people were remarking on what happened as well. Harold Reynolds noted that Miggy stands really far back in the batter's box, which may explain this photo, taken from the comments section of the SB Nation link. 

Even with the box redrawn, Miggy's foot is on the line. Now I wonder what it would be like to stand in a batter's box, especially where he stands. Or, I wonder what it's like to stand on any part of the field. On White Sox Dog Day where you bring your dog to the park, you can apparently partake in the parade where you get to walk your dog with many others on the field. I guess you need a special pass for this, in addition to general admission to Dog Day. I'm starting to digress here, but I need to announce that Mitsu Scheckter will not be attending White Sox Dog Day this year due to her owners being out of the country at the time. I'm sorry, White Sox fans, and I'm sorry, Mitsu! Next year we'll go, and maybe we can parade on the field. 

Anyway, it's interesting that Austin Jackson and Brennan Boesch missed the detail before Miggy. Since they're more veteran-ish, I wonder if A.J. Pierzynski or Jake Peavy noticed anything. 

Baseball moves on quickly so I will try to as well. The Sox won yesterday's and today's game; the Tigers are slowing down a bit here in Chicago. Aside from the Marlins losing to the Astros tonight, and David Wright having a monster day after coming back from pinky injury, the only thing noteworthy that comes to my mind right now is Yu Darvish, who had another good enough but not quality start (maybe one day I can provide good enough but not quality translations of his blog posts/tweets). I hope everyone is enjoying whatever games they're watching this weekend!

Marlins win!

It seems like there's a lot of drama in Miami with the new team, the new stadium, and Ozzie being Ozzie. The Marlins had their first win tonight at the new stadium. The win came in extra innings with a walk-off double by first baseman Gaby Sanchez. I watched some of the game on MLB.TV, and saw Billy the Marlin in the stands. Here's a screen grab!

  

Then I saw a shoe on the screen, and wasn't paying enough attention to hear whose shoe it was and why they were showing it so prominently. But I took a picture anyway.

Sorry I don't have more baseball-related details about the game, but I wanted to share these two pictures here. I'm glad baseball is back!

This Photo is Too Sad for Words

Okay fine, I laughed when I saw it. But only because sadness makes me laugh in self-defense.

In Which I Mention Even More Plans to Write Derek Jeter Fan Fiction

While baseball started, I was camping in an internet-less California forest. My first glimpse of the 2012 season was seeing Cole Hamels get shelled on Sports Center during the flight home. Good Lord. Since I started paying attention, though, things have gotten better. Derek Jeter hit a home run tonight! Anything is possible. NEVER treat your life like an old t-shirt.

Derek Jeter (as if you didn't know by now)

I've been saying that for years, but I guess I still don't really understand what it means. I'm wearing one of my mom's old t-shirts right now. I wonder how Derek Jeter and Jack Curry decided that that saying should be the conclusion of DJ's autobiography. I'll be sure to ask DJ when I ghost-write his next autobiography:

THE JETER YEARS: A White House Memoir by America's Most Beloved President, Including Photos (Mostly in Color), Recipes, Poems, Jokes, and Facts

Look for it on iTunes 30 or 40 years from now.

Ichiro Goes Home, Confronts the Bright White Future

Baseball semi-started this week, with a Mariners-A's series at Tokyo Dome. I saw my first-ever professional baseball game there in 2005 with Marti. In this picture, I didn't really like baseball and I'm holding a #24 flag with absolutely no awareness of its emotimagical connotations. Life gets different, sometimes.

For instance, Japan turned the Mariners Moose into a giant, break-dancing inflatable.

Time made Ichiro's hair turn gray and Dustin Ackley's beard grow. Time may also have turned Dustin Ackley into a good baseball player, because he hit the first home run of 2012.

I've been so singularly focused on Derek Jeter aging that I've neglected to remember that the same thing is happening to Ichiro out on the West Coast. Acknowledged or not, we're all getting older. Here's a photo of Ichiro confronting the bright white future.

Dustin Ackley is still young. TWENTY-FOUR, in fact. Are you going to be great this year, Dustin?

It's not "now or never," but it is "soon or get old and disappear."

The First of my Thoughts About Peyton Manning and the Broncos, with Some Quotes from the Colorado Rockies

What's Peyton Manning going to do in Denver in his spare time? Pitch for the Rockies, I guess.


From the Yahoo! Sports article:

The news spread fast during batting practice at Salt River Fields before the Rockies’ game against the Los Angeles Angels, and just in case anybody didn’t hear, one player pregame yelled: “No more Tebow!”

Sorry, Tim Tebow, but the Rockies are on Team Peyton.

“Tebow is a great player,” outfielder Carlos Gonzalez said, “but I’m from Venezuela and not even a football fan and I know they got one of the best quarterbacks in history.”

“I have nothing against Tebow,” outfielder Dexter Fowler concurred, “but I’m definitely a Peyton Manning guy.”

For one, Manning spent more time around the Rockies than Tebow. Because of his friendship with Helton, he has shown up unannounced in recent years before Rockies games. Last July, Gonzalez walked into the dugout, saw Manning and said to himself: “I think I know this guy.”

A month later, when the Rockies were in St. Louis, Fowler glanced at Helton’s locker only to see someone with three extra inches and one fewer goatee.“He’s sitting in Todd’s chair,” Fowler said, “and you’re like, ‘What? Oh, yeah, that’s Peyton Manning.’ ”

Obviously, my fantasy was for Peyton to move to New York, replace Mark Sanchez, do media appearances with Eli and local television commercials with Derek Jeter, and go to the Met with me on Sunday afternoons. We'd have such a nice time eating hot dogs on the front steps and then walking through Central Park. I mean, nothing (much) against Denver, but you can't do any of those things there.