Monday, October 5, 2009

Miggy Miggy Miggy

On Friday, the White Sox played the Tigers in Detroit. The White Sox won behind Jake Peavy, 8-0. Nice investment. Anyway, later that evening, reports are saying that Tigers first baseman Miguel Cabrera went out "partying" with the White Sox. He then seems to have gone home smashed early in the morning. His wife called the police, who arrived at Miggy's home for a "family disturbance." Miggy went downtown, where Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski later picked him up. The Free Press says that since both Miggy and his wife were "aggressors," he was released. I knew that the only person who would attack a 6'4", 240lb professional athlete would be his wife. What idiot in the Detroit area would and could attack Miggy at the facial range!? *Screams like Carleton Banks*

I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised at the fact that all of this doesn't bother me so much. I think the scars will go away, thank goodness, but I tend to think that what Miggy does in his own Birmingham home is his business, and what we know of his business comes from vague police reports and speculations. If the drama at home affects his at-bats, and he, for instance, goes 0-7 in the next two games against the White Sox, that's disappointing. But it's not disappointing because he may have hit his wife or his wife clearly cut him up real good and his soul may be in pain, it's disappointing because it's for sure an OH-FER-SEVEN when the Tigers needed to win both of those games to clinch the AL Central. Now they're going to waste a perfectly good outing from Ricky P (Rick Porcello) against the Twinkies tomorrow.

I'll get back to the Twins in a minute. I want to know which White Sox players count as his "buddies." It must be the older folks, even Ozzie? And maybe Gordon Beckham got to come out because he's a monster-in-training at third, just as Miggy once was. I'm mad that I was not invited to party with the White Sox and Miguel Cabrera in Detroit. That's messed up that I wasn't present. I was just sleeving and collating baseball cards, watching a very mediocre Martin Lawrence stand-up movie with Mordecai and Joe! Coulda called us up! If the party didn't end until the wee hours of the morning, we would've made it to Detroit in time! I know my way around (sort of)!

But the more I think about how things turned out, the more suspicious I become. Here comes my speculation. The Twins are evil. Look at these faces.

Look at his smirk; Kubel is pure evil. Cuddyer looks like a rosy-cheeked, chipper dude, but look at those glassy eyes. Oh hell no. And Ron Gardenhire? He's an agent of the devil, the mastermind behind all of this. He is the Darth Vader of baseball. He probably eats babies for breakfast. OK, maybe I'm pushing this a little too far.

Obviously, someone fixed the nature of things to ensure that Miggy's White Sox "buddies" would go out with him the night after the first game and the night before the last two all-important games. Having somehow triumphed over The Zack Greinke, the Twins knew they were merely stanky-ass-breaths away from a chance at the AL Central. It's the Royals. THIS WAS FIXED, I KNOW IT!!! THE TWINKIES MUST BE STOPPED!!! Everyone, make some noise for the handsome rookie Ricky P (Rick Porcello) on Tuesday!!! GO TIGERS, EVEN IF THEY MAKE IT PAST THE EVIL TWINS AND GET OBLITERATED IN THE POSTSEASON!



    Maybe Miggy will go out with the Yankees this week. Come to NYC, Kei!

  2. Are there any Venezuelans on the Yankees?

  3. Francisco Cervelli, although he is also somehow Italian:

    He's cool. I'd have a drink with you and him and Miggy any day.