Monday, March 23, 2009

NL West

Today marks the end of an ambitious six week journey through the mugshot library on's 2009 Fantasy Preview. Thanks for sticking with us! I'll post a comprehensive review of my rankings later this week. Until then, here's the NL West.

Dominating the competition were the Los Angeles Dodgers, with a team average of 5.62.

Best of the West: Casey Blake (9), Matt Kemp (7), Manny Ramirez (8)

From what I've heard, people in L.A. really care about the way things look, so I guess it makes sense that they have attractive ball players. Matt Kemp's at some sort of awards show in his photo...I wonder if the Dodgers get invited to celebrity events all the time. I'm trying to imagine Casey Blake making small talk with Paris Hilton next to a heart-shaped swimming pool full of champagne and live goldfish...hmm...okay, same scenario except substitute Joe Torre for Casey Blake. Now we're talking.

And the Rest: Hong-Chin Kuo (4), Jonathan Broxton (3), Doug Mientkiewicz (4)

I bet these guys never get invited to Paris Hilton's heart-shaped champagne pool parties. Pop quiz: In the photo on the right, the baseball is flying a) towards Doug Mientkiewicz or b) out of Doug Mientkiewicz. I honestly can't tell.

Because 90% of everything in the West is in California, in second place we have the San Fransisco Giants with an average score of 5.03.

Travis Ishikawa (7), Emmanuel Burriss (7), Alex Hinshaw (7)

These Giants can only wish that they were these Giants, who are popularly known as the Yankees of Japan. Travis Ishikawa is half-Japanese, though, which I found interesting.

Randy Johnson (2), Sergio Romo (3), Tim Lincecum (3)

It's sort of a miracle that the Giants finished second with faces like this in their lineup. I really hate that video game commercial wherein Tim Lincecum walks around with his avatar. The part where they're in towels in the locker room with Randy Johnson is the WORST.

The Colorado Rockies came in third, scoring 4.75.

Rocky Mountain Highs: Dexter Fowler (7), Yorvit Torrealba (6), Carlos Gonzalez

Did you know that Dexter Fowler turned down Harvard to play for the Rockies? Maybe he thought he'd feel out of place. I tried to find a current photo of Harvard's baseball team, but got creeped out by the Go Crimson! website. This is because I am at least five years older than everyone in college and have no business trying to spy on their lives via their internet.

And Lows: Todd Helton (4), Sal Fasano (3), Brad Hawpe (4)

Given his long history of amazingly bad facial hair, Sal Fasano probably deserves his own post. Along those lines, you know things aren't going right if you could be the beard twin of Kevin Youkilis.

The Arizona Diamondbacks came in fourth with a team average of 4.62.

Ruling Arizona: Chris Young (8), Justin Upton (7), Stephen Drew (6)

Yes, that's Boss Man Jr. Upton's baby brother holding a bat like he wants to bash your head in with it. Meanwhile, it's nice to finally see a white dude giving props to God. Hey Jesus, Stephen Drew's dedicating that one to you.

D'backs: Luke Carlin (3), Chad Qualls (3), Brandon Webb (3)

These guys look like they just don't get it. Plus, they are wearing extremely ugly uniforms.

Finally, in fifth, we have the San Diego Padres, bringing us home with a score of 4.19.

Keepers of the Faith: Kevin Kouzmanoff (5), Chris Young (6), Adrian Gonzalez (6)

Other Brothers: Everth Cabrera (3), Matt Antonelli (3), Edgar Gonzalez (3)

I made these photo collages last week, but couldn't finish writing the post on Friday. Just now, I was like, "WTF Jenni, did you put a photo of Adrian Gonzalez in the hot AND not collage?" The answer is no! Adrian and Edgar are BACKYARD BROTHERS. Check it out:

After learning that, I started to wonder if Everth Cabrera was related to the NYY's Melky Cabrera. Melky's Wikipedia page seems to suggest not. I did discover that Melky has a son named Melky Jr. and that his favorite movie is Scarface. Uh huh.

So, that's it! The rankings are in and a winners list is forthcoming. I'm SO ready for this season to start....

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