Friday, March 6, 2009

NL East

Founded on February 2, 1876-- 25 hearty years before its American counterpart-- the National League is the oldest professional sports organization still in operation. Having completed our tour of the sprightly, star-studded AL "Junior Circuit" last Friday, we now turn our attention towards the innocuous and less talented "Seniors." Have I ever watched a National League game on television? No. And for the most part, I don't want to and won't (unless the Dodgers are involved). Still, before I can hand the World Series of Attractiveness title over to the Yankees, I have to to go through the motions of rating EVERY TEAM IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL. Let's get on with it then...beginning with the NL East!

Dominating the competition this week were the New York Mets, who finished with a very decent team average of 5.13.

The Kings of Queens: Carlos Delgado (7), Carlos Beltran (8), José Reyes (8)

Ladies and gentlemen, these pictures say it all. The Mets are a good looking team and they know it. For some reason, José Reyes's address is listed on his Wikipedia page.'s a satellite image of his house.

In no way does Third Base or Bust encourage or condone celebrity stalking.

Citi Field's Other Half: Freddy Garcia (3) J.J. Putz (2) and Robinson Cancel (3)

As this blog has consistently demonstrated, many baseball players make strange facial hair choices. This will become even more evident later in this post, but J.J. Putz and Freddy Garcia are pretty good starting examples. And Robinson Cancel...he's like some sort of grotesque Robinson Cano wannabe. Step off boy, there's only room for Robbie C. in this city.

The Washington Nationals finished second in the National League, posting an average of 4.48.

Talk of the Nation: Dimitri Young (7), Lastings Milledge (6), Alberto Gonzalez (7)

If you Google "Alberto Gonzalez" "Washington," you do NOT come up with the Major League shortstop. Adding "National(s)" doesn't seem to help, either, so this face-obscured-by-hat-view is the best I could find. When it comes to Lastings Milledge, I can't say that I care for either his insolent on-field antics or his unsavory off-field rap career, but his mugshot wasn't bad. On the other hand, doesn't Dimitri Young look cool?!

More "Nick Cage" than "National Treasure": Ronnie Belliard (2), Adam Dunn (3), Nick Johnson (2)

did Adam Dunn end up on my Fantasy Baseball bench? I'd call him the Achilles Heel of "Ladies Love Us," but unfortunately we also drafted previous hall-of-shamer Kerry Wood. Still, I maintain that we are the best looking team in the league. Proof forthcoming.

Here are the Atlanta Braves, in third place, with a score of 4.20.

Hotlanta-ish: Derek Lowe (5), Yunel Escobar (5), Garret Anderson (6)

As you can probably tell from the numerical ratings, I'm not too jazzed about this team. Derek Lowe is on my Fantasy pitching staff, though, so I'm pleased that he's not totally heinous.

Bravery Over Beauty: Jordan Schafer (3), Mike Gonzalez (3) and JoJo Reyes (3)

While Jordan Schafer looks somewhat like a cruel amalgam of boys I might have dated in my early 20's, he also looks like a terrifying space alien. Meanwhile, Mike Gonzalez and JoJo Reyes provide two more excellent examples of bad facial hair. Will someone who knows the proper names of these weird hair occurrences PLEASE write a post about this subject next week?

Reigning World Champions (of baseball), the Philadelphia Phillies came in fourth with an average of 4.13.

All-Over Champs: Jimmy Rollins (6), Ryan Howard (6), Marcus Giles (6)

Check out Ryan Howard's come hither stare and Jimmy Rollins double-number-one finger point. Other than that, I have nothing to say about the Phillies. I only cheered for them during the 2008 World Series because I HATE TAMPA BAY.

"Phil"lies and "Drinking," Two Words that Belong Together!:
Jayson Werth (2), Joe Blanton (2), Shane Victorino (2)

I like that this team-- no matter how unattractive-- knows how to party. Jayson Werth's double-fisting in the dugout with a girl on his back! And Joe Blanton's wearing a Lacoste polo shirt and getting his face licked by a lady with big earrings! And Shane, I refuse to say anything nice about him, even mockingly. That guy sucks.

Finally, fifthly, the Marlins who bottomed-out with a score of 3.84.

Best of the Worst: Cameron Maybin (6), Chris Coghlan (6), Hanley Ramirez (6)

You may be interested to know that Hanley Ramirez's Top Five Favorite Musical Artists are (in order of preference): Don Omar, 50 Cent, Bad Boy family, T-Pain and Akon. His Top Five Favorite Cars are: the Mercedes CLS 550, the Range Rover Sport, the Rolls Royce Phantom, the Maserati and the Lamborghini Murcielago. His Top Five Favorite Vacation Destinations are: Brazil, Europe, Samana (Dominican Repubilc), Hawaii and the Bahamas. How do I know this? I read it on his vanity website! Hanley Ramirez was listed as the #1 prospect on a few different Fantasy Baseball sites, but I still have no idea who he is.

I Didn't Make that Fish Picture, But I Wish I Had:
Ricky Nolasco (2), Ryan Tucker (2), Dan Uggla (2)

Things can't be good when you have a guy named Dan Uggla on your team. They just can't. This team scored lower than any team since the Boston Red Sox. Whew. Looking at the NL East put an unhealthy strain on my eyeballs.

I hear that Sam gets back into the country next week, so let's hope for a peaceful end to the long uncontested reign of Jenni. It's about time. We're back in the Midwest next Friday, with the Cubs, Astros, Cardinals, Reds and Pirates.

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