Friday, March 13, 2009


As a fellow Midwesterner I suppose the NL central should hold some sort of special place in heart. But it doesn't. In fact I couldn't even name all six teams this morning, I had to look it up on wikipedia. As the first rankings I have done with Jenni's scientific ranking system, I was surprised to see how the averages shook out, but they are what they are.

Coming in at a strong number 1 with a team average of 4.727 were the Milwaukee Brewers.

Tops of the Brewers: Ryan Braun, Mat Gamel, and Prince Fielder

Ryan Braun got the highest ranking of any player I looked at today and had I been a little more worldly when I did my original top 5, he probably would have mad the cut. Rookie-ish Mat Gamel has that hipsterish hair and I've already said too much about Prince Fielder.

Worst of the best: Braden Looper, Todd Coffey, and David Riske.

It seems obvious that Braden Looper's head is way to big to be supported by his body while Todd Coffey's head looks way too small for his EXTREMELY large frame. All I can think of when I look at David Riske is the gopher from Caddyshack.

At No. 2 are my sort-of home town Chicago Cubs with an average of 4.657.

Best of the Cubs: Joey Gathright, Jeff Samardzija, and Ryan Theriot.

Former wide-receiver Jef Samardzija doing his best Bo Jackson is a no-brainer for me and Ryan Theriot looks a lot like a not so poor man's Ashton Kutcher. And Joey Gathright just looks like a super nice guy.

Worst of the north-side losers: Alfonso Soriano, Chad Gaudin, and Paul Bako

Not to get on Jenni's shit list, but I hate injury-prone Soriano, seen here grabbing his crotch. I don't think Chad Gaudin needs much commentary to demonstrate his douchey-ness, and Paul Bako is... well... old.

In 3rd Position were the Houston Astros with an average of 4.45.

Best of the stros: Lou Palmisano, Yordany Ramirez, and J.R. Towles.

Lou Palmisano, who I guess is a rookie, looks like a mix between Tom Brady and movie star. Yordany's got one of those trusting faces and JR Towles looks like the type of guy I would want to be friends with.

Bottom of the stros: Tim Byrdak and Jeff Fulchino

Not to pick on him, but I think the main reason I put Tim Byrdak up there is because after looking at so many headshots it was a shocker to see someone with glasses on. I was going to pass over him because I thought it would be mean to call him out for looking like a nerd, but then I saw that soul patch. Believe it or not the picture above is actually a good one of Jeff Fulchino.

In 4th place, just barely behind the Astros, were the St. Louis Cardinals with an average of 4.4.

Chris Carpenter, Jason LaRue, and Brian Barton.

For some reason I always imagined veteran Chris Carpenter as being really ugly, but his headshot and several google image searches proved me wrong. I wanted to include an action shot of Jason LaRue, but his headshot might be even better. And Brian Barton looks like a great guy.

I also wanted to give a special shout out to Chris Perez, who looks startlingly like the Danny McBride character Kenny Powers in the HBO series Eastbound and Down.

Jason Motte, Rick Ankiel, and Trever Miller

Check out Jenni's wrap-up for Jason Motte's extremely bad mugshot. HGHer Rick Ankiel is grabbing for crotches and Trever Miller just looks weird.

In 5th place, but not quite last place were the Cincinnati Reds with an average of 4.314

The only one???: Edinson Volquez

I didn't identify a whole lot of standouts from the Reds, so I included two pictures of Edinson Volquez. All in all they were a pretty mediocre bunch.

Aaron Harang, and Bronson Arroyo

However, there were a couple fellas they stood out the wrong way, most notably is Aaron Harang who looks like a poor man's Paul Giamatti. Even though Arroyo has since changed his hair, he will never get off my shit list.

In last place, which really means something when you've got 6 teams in your division, were the Pittsburgh Pirates with an average of 4.277.

Stand-outs???: Neil Walker and Nate McLouth

I'll leave Nate McLouth for Jenni since he's in her top five... But Neil Walker, he looks like a stoner, which I think he pulls off very nicely.

Worst of the worst: Luis Cruz, Tom Gorzelanny, and Ramon Vasquez.

I would have loved to give Ramon Vasquez some props because I used to like him, but with that weak mustache, I just don't know. Luis Cruz got my lowest score of the day (2) because I couldn't look at that picture without picturing one of those large blow-up rats they put outside non-union construction projects. And Tom Gorzelanny just looks tired.

I'm still playing catch-up on my rankings, but hopefully by next week I'll be close to caught up.

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