Friday, March 13, 2009

NL Central: ON ACID

Things got a little loopy with the NL Central, this week. First, I mistakenly re-evaluated the Minnesota Twins while completely forgetting about the Milwaukee Brewers. Then, I got dopey-eyed and giggly about several of the UGLY players. When I began to repeatedly hallucinate a certain author/public intellectual's face over multiple mugshots, I knew that this week's ratings would be majorly f'ed. Still, there's nothing I can do about it now. The past is the past. You just have to

Charging to first are the forgotten Brewers with a nearly unprecedented team average of 5.39.

Beer Goggles?: Prince Fielder (7), Corey Hart (6), Angel Salome (8)

Angel Salome must be a model in the off-season, because he does that pout-and-gaze like only a professional could. Corey Hart looks like Nate McLouth before Nate McLouth got fat...I can't decide if I like him more or less than they other Corey Hart, nevermind those other 80's Cory icons. Sam's already written a blog post about Prince Fielder, and Kei's got him on her Fantasy Team, so I'll just say that I agree with both of them...he looks great for a fatty!

Alcohol Poisoning: Mike Lamb (3), Trevor Hoffman (3), Seth McClung (3)

Based solely on this outfit, I would be willing to bet $100 that Trevor Hoffman's name surfaces in some forthcoming wave of steroid disclosures.

In second place, with a collective score of 4.85 are the Houston Astros.

In the Stars: Hunter Pence (6), Kazuo Matsui (7), J.R. Towles (6)

Please note that Kazuo Matsui is NOT related to Hideki Matsui of the New York Yankees (HM has acne, KM has a sweet mustache).

Hogging the Spotlight: Lance Berkman (4)

Lance Berkman has two nicknames: "Fat Elvis" and "Big Puma." Once, while playing at Wrigley Field, a Cubs fan threw a Twinkie at him. He picked it up, unwrapped it and ate it. Please read the story behind the sumo costume, here. Oh man, I can't help but love it.

In third, we have the Cincinati Reds, who averaged 4.84 points.

Red Hot: Danny Richar (7), Jerry Hairston Jr. (shown next to his father)(6),
Brandon Phillips (7)

For some reason, every time I searched for Danny Richar, Google gave me pictures of Ken Griffey Jr. Am I going crazy?

Red Scare: Aaron Harang (2), Bronson Arroyo (3), Jared Burton (2)

Whenever I feel like being harsh about baseball grooming, I tell myself, "Jenni, not everyone has Madonna to help them with these kinds of things." Bad hair and all, these three guys look fairly amicable, actually.

Surprisingly low on the list are the Chicago Cubs, who finished fourth with an average of 4.73.

Bears!: Carlos Marmol (7), Joey Gathright (7), Alfonso Soriano (8)

Do you think that adult men with giant muscles find it demeaning to be called "Cubs?"

Bears!: Mike Fontenot (2), Chad Gaudin (3), Geovany Soto (3)

Especially now that their logo has been redesigned to include a cute little bear?

Fifth place is usually last place, but not in the NL Central! One step above rock bottom are the St. Louis Cardinals and their team score of 4.52.

St. Lookers: Brian Barton (6.5), Skip Schumaker (7), Albert Pujols (7)

I feel like this photo captured Brian Barton seconds before he flipped down those sunglasses, strode into the batter's box and casually hit a solo home run in the top of the 5th with two men out and Detroit leading 2-1. Oh don't wear sunglasses while batting.

St. Losers: Jason Motte (3), Ryan Ludwick (3), Chris Perez (3)

Suffering from a severe case of bad-mugshot-fever, I drew a hear next to Jason Motte's name on my scorecard. Can't explain it. Just like him. And doesn't Chris Perez somewhat resemble Judah Frielander from 30 Rock? Maybe looks aren't everything, after all....


I Dislike All Pirate Jokes: Nyjer Morgan (6), Andrew McCutcher (6), Nate McLouth (7)

In my first blog post, I put Nate McLouth fourth in my Top Five. What was I thinking? I mean, I have vague memories of him darting around the outfield in that never-ending All-Star game last year...I guess I must have confused him with some sort of mythical forest creature. Still, I will respect past-Jenni by not overly disparaging her former bad judgment. You can have a 7, Nate McLouth, but I'm dropping you from my Top Five as of right now.

These Could All Be the Same Person. Seriously:
Paul Maholm (3), Tom Gorzelanny (2), Jeff Karstens (3)

Last season, the Yankees traded Jeff Karstens for Xavier Nady and boy did that move pay off in the looks department. Nady also made a few crucial big plays for the Yanks towards the end of the season. Beyond that, I don't really have anything mean to say about these Pirates. These days, I find that I just don't care enough to hate as hard as I used to. Oh this the beginning of the end? Step away from the bright light, Jenni.

Next Friday, we'll wrap our the weekly rankings with NL West (MANNYWOOD!), after which point we'll be able to crown our Third Base or Bust World Series Champions. Maybe we should have a party! What do you think, Sam?!