NL WEST

Filled with teams I never pay attention to I was excited for the chance to see who actually played for Dodgers and to see what players were left from the NL champ Rockies team that I sort of paid attention to a couple years ago. I also knew I was going to have to deal with some prejudices that I feared would easily catapult the Dodgers into the number one spot...

Obviously number one with a team average of 5.125 was the Los Angeles Dodgers.


While I'm not totally on board with this site, which claims that Casey Blake is "actually the son of our Lord," he may be. Enough has already been said. Manny has also been discussed at length, but deserves all of it.

While the combo of Casey Blake and Manny Rodriguez is a pretty strong duo, I was also surprised by some of the other supporting characters on the Dodgers, including...

Russell Martin and Brad Ausmus. At first I thought that Martin looked a little like a doppelganger of myself, but on second thought, not so much. Brad Ausmus looks like a rich man's Mark Prior.


I also wanted to highlight Delwyn Young and Andy LaRoche (former Dodger) who look like they would fit in great in Mannywood. Seen here hanging out of the Wrigley Field scoreboard.

However, like all teams, the Dodgers did have a couple scrubs. I am thinking specifically of pitcher Jason Schmidt.


That beard does not do not help with his oddly shaped head. Someone should tell him to either grow a mustache or shave that shit off!

At a respectable 2 is the Arizona Diamondbacks with an average of 4.84

Like Jenni, I agree that Justin Upton and Chris Young are obvious standouts on the team. But I would also like to add Eric Byrnes to that list.


I would also like to give a special shout out to Travis Blackley for the surprising smile in his official head shot.


But with the good comes the bad and for some reason there were several players on the Diamondbacks that seemed to have very odd shaped heads. Check it out for yourself:


From left: Tom Gordon, James Skelton, Tony Clark, and Jon Rauch

Jon Rauch doesn't really have an odd shaped head but I wanted to include him because of that ratty looking beard and that gross looking tattoo peaking around his neck.

Next on my list were the Colorado Rockies with a 4.62

It turns out I didn't know that many people from the 2007 Pennant-winning team. But, I wasn't really paying that much attention so I guess it's not that surprising.


The highlights: Troy Tulowitzki and Dexter Fowler

Fowler is up there for obvious reasons, but my attraction to Tulowitzki is deeply tied to how awesome it is that he uses that ratty short stop glove (pictured above).


Gross: Todd Helton and Huston Street (Balker)

I couldn't agree more with Jenni that HGH-er Todd Helton is gross and frankly his beard is unnaturally thick. No one connects that well! My low ranking of Huston Street is probably due to emotional reasons that I won't get into here. Lets just say that I don't think the way he pitches is legal.

At almost last place was the San Francisco Giants with an average of 4.58

I was tempted to pull out a picture of Barry Bonds, but apparently he's in jail or something. Here's my best of the Giants...


From left: Barry Zito and Merkin Valdez

Of course I think that Barry Zito is washed up and not that good at baseball, but it's probably because I'm jealous of his contract or something. He even Californized his hair with those tips. And Merkin Valdez. Look at that smile! Gets me everytime.


On the negative side the ubiquitos Randy Johnson, who apparently still plays baseball. He doens't looks as bad as the picture above any more, but he doesn't look that much better either. I have also included Jeremy Affeldt, who got on this shit list just because of that strange beard. It's not quite a soul patch, but not quite a goatee either. Shave that shit off!

Coming in last in my rankings were the San Diego Padres with an average of 4.33

Not too much to write home about this team, which I guess would be expected with their almost 100 loses last year. Not that winning games has anything to do with this blog.


highlights: Drew Macias and Edgar Gonzalez

I like Drew Macias's hair and I think that he falls into that category of people that I might be friends of. Edgar Gonzalez doesn't look that great, but it doesn't take much to stand out on a sub par team.


I also wanted to give a shout out to Heath Bell, who looks extremely stoned in this photo.


For the flip side I would like to highlight Brian Giles, who frankly looks a little like a Neanderthal. And Chris Young, is, well, no Chris Young of the Diamondbacks.

Schilling Sucks

I forgot how much I irrationally hate Curt Schilling until I saw that he announced that he was quitting baseball yesterday.

Curt Schilling, one of the finest and most clutch pitchers of his generation, announced his retirement Monday morning with his laptop. [emphasis added]

I'm sure part of my hatred is Schilling's outspoken political beliefs, but the truth is it goes much deeper than that. I hate his face, his bloody sock, and even reading about his retirement fills me with anxiety. I don't give a shit whether or not Curt Schilling is hall of fame material, but I kind of hope he isn't. So good riddance Curt Schilling, here's a couple ugly pictures of your face.

EAST ASIAN BASEBALL

It could just be that I'm anxious for the season to start, but good God, that was a fine game of baseball. Korea is a force to be reckoned with, but Japan has Ichiro, some amazing pitcher Hisashi Iwakuma, and Prince Yu Darvish. Fresh off of post-victory high, I will report the highlights of the game via Yahoo! and Getty Images.

Iwakuma had perfect form, or at least he does in this photo, and a nice blue glove:

His pitching was pretty much impeccable. I was worried that Japan had used up Matsuzaka and Darvish in yesterday's game against the United States, but damn, this Iwakuma man threw his shit! So few pitches, so many innings, compared to Korean starter Jung Keun Bong.

This crash at second base was nuts. Mordecai noticed something had flown off to the side--it was a piece of the brim of Lee's helmet. Later on a reporter showed the helmet in more detail, with extra cracks on the front and side of the helmet's body. Nutso!

Shin Soo Choo, or S S Choo, of the Cleveland Indians, was not messing around. He had the first run for Korea, homering to left field.

Darvish almost messed it up but Ichiro saved everything. I cannot get over how consistent and reliable Ichiro is.

Here, Darvish has just sunk the S S Choo*. Darvish is also secretly thanking Ichiro for saving the game and Darvish's future contract with an MLB club from dipping into merely single-digit millions of dollars. Japan wins in 10 innings, 5-3.

You can browse Darvish's blog and his wife's blog here and here, respectively, though I'm not sure how often Darvish posts photos. Darvish's father runs a store at the Darvish Gallery, where you can purchase special Persian blue roses, among other things. Excuse me while I go search for Darvish jerseys on the Internets.

*Credits for this great lyrical phrase goes to Joe, spoken before we parted ways after watching the game. ETA: Apparently, the original credit for this metaphor/reference/item of literary genius goes to Nar, who was making jokes about the S S Choo going transatlantic much earlier in the evening. Naturally, everything went over my head until it was pointed out to me explicitly, as usual.

Baseball's Brat Pack

I was reading some meaningless article about Tom Glavine and I was struck how this is a guy who has been around forever and has never really aged. I'm not going to say he looks like a youngster or anything, but he doesn't look like the 70 year old he actually is:


Sure, he's probably not as skinny or "in shape" as he once was, but he still looks pretty spry.

But then I looked up what baby Glavin used to look like...


That's right - the spitting image of a young Anthony Michael Hall!

Minus the women, who obviously can't be cast in this thought experiment, who else would fill in a baseball Breakfast Club... Maybe a wigged Kevin Youkilis as burnout Judd Nelson? But WHAT ABOUT JOCK EMILIO ESTEVEZ? If only Charlie Sheen was a real baseball player!

NL West

Today marks the end of an ambitious six week journey through the mugshot library on MLB.com's 2009 Fantasy Preview. Thanks for sticking with us! I'll post a comprehensive review of my rankings later this week. Until then, here's the NL West.

Dominating the competition were the Los Angeles Dodgers, with a team average of 5.62.

Best of the West: Casey Blake (9), Matt Kemp (7), Manny Ramirez (8)

From what I've heard, people in L.A. really care about the way things look, so I guess it makes sense that they have attractive ball players. Matt Kemp's at some sort of awards show in his photo...I wonder if the Dodgers get invited to celebrity events all the time. I'm trying to imagine Casey Blake making small talk with Paris Hilton next to a heart-shaped swimming pool full of champagne and live goldfish...hmm...okay, same scenario except substitute Joe Torre for Casey Blake. Now we're talking.

And the Rest: Hong-Chin Kuo (4), Jonathan Broxton (3), Doug Mientkiewicz (4)

I bet these guys never get invited to Paris Hilton's heart-shaped champagne pool parties. Pop quiz: In the photo on the right, the baseball is flying a) towards Doug Mientkiewicz or b) out of Doug Mientkiewicz. I honestly can't tell.

Because 90% of everything in the West is in California, in second place we have the San Fransisco Giants with an average score of 5.03.

Travis Ishikawa (7), Emmanuel Burriss (7), Alex Hinshaw (7)

These Giants can only wish that they were these Giants, who are popularly known as the Yankees of Japan. Travis Ishikawa is half-Japanese, though, which I found interesting.

Randy Johnson (2), Sergio Romo (3), Tim Lincecum (3)

It's sort of a miracle that the Giants finished second with faces like this in their lineup. I really hate that video game commercial wherein Tim Lincecum walks around with his avatar. The part where they're in towels in the locker room with Randy Johnson is the WORST.

The Colorado Rockies came in third, scoring 4.75.

Rocky Mountain Highs: Dexter Fowler (7), Yorvit Torrealba (6), Carlos Gonzalez

Did you know that Dexter Fowler turned down Harvard to play for the Rockies? Maybe he thought he'd feel out of place. I tried to find a current photo of Harvard's baseball team, but got creeped out by the Go Crimson! website. This is because I am at least five years older than everyone in college and have no business trying to spy on their lives via their internet.

And Lows: Todd Helton (4), Sal Fasano (3), Brad Hawpe (4)

Given his long history of amazingly bad facial hair, Sal Fasano probably deserves his own post. Along those lines, you know things aren't going right if you could be the beard twin of Kevin Youkilis.

The Arizona Diamondbacks came in fourth with a team average of 4.62.

Ruling Arizona: Chris Young (8), Justin Upton (7), Stephen Drew (6)

Yes, that's Boss Man Jr. Upton's baby brother holding a bat like he wants to bash your head in with it. Meanwhile, it's nice to finally see a white dude giving props to God. Hey Jesus, Stephen Drew's dedicating that one to you.

D'backs: Luke Carlin (3), Chad Qualls (3), Brandon Webb (3)

These guys look like they just don't get it. Plus, they are wearing extremely ugly uniforms.

Finally, in fifth, we have the San Diego Padres, bringing us home with a score of 4.19.

Keepers of the Faith: Kevin Kouzmanoff (5), Chris Young (6), Adrian Gonzalez (6)

Other Brothers: Everth Cabrera (3), Matt Antonelli (3), Edgar Gonzalez (3)

I made these photo collages last week, but couldn't finish writing the post on Friday. Just now, I was like, "WTF Jenni, did you put a photo of Adrian Gonzalez in the hot AND not collage?" The answer is no! Adrian and Edgar are BACKYARD BROTHERS. Check it out:

After learning that, I started to wonder if Everth Cabrera was related to the NYY's Melky Cabrera. Melky's Wikipedia page seems to suggest not. I did discover that Melky has a son named Melky Jr. and that his favorite movie is Scarface. Uh huh.

So, that's it! The rankings are in and a winners list is forthcoming. I'm SO ready for this season to start....

Pudgy

Well, it's official: Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez has signed a one year deal to play this season with the Houston Astros.

Rodriguez signed a one-year deal worth $1.5 million, with the opportunity to make another $1.5 in incentives. He has a wedding to attend on Saturday, but expects to be in uniform for Sunday's game when the Astros host the Nationals.

"It wasn't an easy offseason for me," said Rodriguez. "I'm glad that I'm back in a Major League organization. The Astros have been an organization where they have a lot of good players.

I always imagine my favorite catchers being big burly guys like AJ Pierzynski or Wade Boggs. But Pudge always seemed so dainty.


Not to say that he's actually small. Here he is with his new teammate Carlos Lee. But look at him. He's wearing a fashionable v-neck shirt and holding a latte. That is not what an HGH using catcher is supposed to look like.

He's also really into potatoes. His favorite recipe (which I'm sure he cooks all the time) is "Dutch Oven Potatoes with Dried Fruit." No Joke. He's also a really big Yanni fan. I've heard this so many times that it's got to be true, but when I went looking on the interweb the only confirmation I could find was this liveblog blog from the 2003 World Series - where Yanni sang the national anthem! But nonetheless, I wish Pudge all the best this year with the Astros. But even the addition of a mediocre catcher (player now and looks) isn't going to improve my outlook for the NL Central.

Manny v. Mark; Manny Being Merlot

I used to get all of my baseball news from MLB.com, but yesterday I discovered a very cool, new sports website called ESPN.com. I'm so into their video archive! They even have a feed labeled "Manny Being Manny," where you can watch ManRam riding a tricycle in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium and playing cricket in Australia. Here's a blog-relevant excerpt from his interview with ESPN's Colleen Dominguez:

C: You once said you wanted to be a Yankee.
M: Why not? I'm from there....So okay, if I say I like New York, that doesn't mean I'm a bad guy.
C: Were you surprised when the Yankees didn't come knocking on your door during Free Agency?
M: No, they got a better player than me. They got Mark Teixeira. I'm not surprised.
C: Why is Mark Teixeira a better player than you?
M: He's young, great defense. Handsome guy. (laughs)
C: You're not a handsome guy?
M: I am, I'm good looking, but....

Now wait a minute...is Manny implying that Mark Teixeira is better-looking than he is?

Teixeira with the Angels, Manny with the Aussies, via

It's time for another reader's poll. Teixeira v. Manny...who's better looking? One thing's for sure: Mark Teixeira may have scored a bigger contract, but he doesn't have a wine named after him.

Unfortunately, the Manny Being Merlot is sold out. There are, however, several other custom player wines available online. The Third Base or Bust Season Opener Party just got better!

VOTE IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE! AMERICA IS FOUNDED ON ACTIVE DEMOCRACY.

USA v. PR

Wow, last night's USA v. PR game looked exciting! I wish I could have watched it live, but ESPN was showing college basketball instead, for some reason. ESPN does have a pretty awesome video recap on their website, though, which shows Shane Victorino looking like a clown and Derek Jeter looking like a pretty bad baseball player. I don't know who's doing the commentary, but I LOVE THEM! Here's an excerpt:

Woman: Carlos Beltran, arguably the best center fielder in baseball.
Man: Settle down.
Woman: All right. It's true. I said arguably. Take two more looks, it's that good.
Man: You could argue I'm the best looking guy in the world, but that doesn't mean it's right.
Woman: Well, you could, Scott, but we won't go there right now.

At first, I thought that the male announcer replied, "You could argue that HE'S the best looking guy in the world," in reference to Beltran, which would have been hilarious. Let's imagine for a minute that he did.


Best looking guy in the world? Not even close! Sorry, CB, but you're not even the best looking Center Fielder in the Major Leagues. Nice catch, though.

One thing I appreciate about men is how they beat the shit out of each other when they're happy. In these photos, Derek Jeter looks like he's about to take a giant, bloody bite out of the back of David Wright's neck.

ETERNAL YOUTH SHALL BE MINE!

Here's the New York Times describing the rowdy post-game celebration:

After Wright’s ball dropped in shallow right and Brian Roberts and Jimmy Rollins scampered home with the tying and go-ahead runs, the Americans sprinted out of the dugout and made Wright into a human-sized pillow. Player after player dived on Wright, turning the infield into a sea of red, white and blue.

“All I know is that David Wright’s face was in the dirt, and all the Mets fans were panicking,” Roberts said.

In other WBC news, last night Korea defeated Japan. Tonight Japan plays Cuba and the USA plays Venezuela. GO TEAM USA!

Not Quite the Captain

While this may be old news to many a few, I just saw that ex-Yankee Bernie Williams has been accused of hitting a woman at a nightclub while getting his picture taken. In Puerto Rico! In Miami!

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico (AP)—A woman filed a complaint against former Yankees center fielder Bernie Williams for allegedly hitting her at a nightclub while she took his picture.

Officer Angel Nazario said the woman claimed Williams snatched the camera, damaged it and hit her in the face. The incident allegedly happened around 2:30 a.m. Thursday at a San Juan nightclub, hours after Williams and his Puerto Rican teammates beat the Netherlands 5-0 in the World Baseball Classic.

Williams denies any wrongdoing, according to his spokesman, Steve Fortunato. Police are investigating.

I don't really have anything funny to add, but I have a hard time imagining a guy like this hitting anyone.

He looks like a poor man's Kevin Eubanks. And he apparently writes songs that require cello. Enough said.

It Never Ends

Is it just me or does A-Rod look more like a heroin addict than a steroid abuser, here?

Read the article, if you must.

Ozzie... the collest fucking guy in baseball

I am gonna talk about the coolest guy in baseball… That’s right I am talking about Oswaldo José Guillén Barrios AKA Ozzie Guillén.

Sure I am jaded, The Chicago White Sox run in my blood. I am a Sox fan by lineage and geography. I was born in South Shore to father who grew up in South Shore; I had little choice in the matter of which team to root for. I always knew that my allegiance was with the right Chicago team but after 2005 I could officially tell all Cubs fans to SUCK IT!

But I digress… I am not sure of this fact but I believe that the first baseball game I attended was in 1985. I would have been three years old and I fell asleep at the game. This would have been Ozzie Guillén’s rookie season playing with the Sox.

That year he won the AL Rookie of the Year award. This was the beginning of my love for the man that my sister and I lovingly referred to as Fozzie Guillén.

As a young buck I was drawn to Ozzie because of his passion and apparent love for the game. This dude had so much fun out there as a player and continues this love as a manager. He is a jokester with a hot head. You never wonder what the guy is thinking because he will tell you. 1990 marked the last season that the Sox played at Comiskey Park and also the year that Ozzie won the Golden Glove Award. Each year Oak Park Little League would make a pilgrimage to Comiskey where we would get to parade around the field in our uniforms before the game. That year the Sox played the other Sox… I remember giving Wade Boggs a high five as I walked around the field… Sure he was on the Red Sox but I was 9 so fuck off. I also remember kids on my team taking dirt from the infield and stuffing it into their pockets as a memento from Old Comiskey. I wish I would have done the same because I can’t help but feel like I could slang that shit to some dumb ass on Ebay. As a player and a manager Ozzie is intense! Wikapedia states, “As a player, he was regarded for his passion, speed, hustle, intensity and defensive abilities and his ebullient love for the game…” I don’t know what ebullient means but I feel like this statement is spot on none the less. In 1997 Ozzie’s time as a player with the White Sox was through and I could have cared less. By then I was too concerned with skateboarding, growing my hair long enough to have an under shave and playing bass for awesome grunge bands to give a shit. When I started caring about baseball again three years later Ozzie had been traded and was finishing out his final season as a player for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Fast forward to 2004 when Guillén signed on as Manager for the Sox… I, along with countless other Chicagoan’s, rejoiced. By the end of the 2005 he had led the South Side to their first World Series Championship since 1917. Later that year he was voted the 2005 AL Manager of the Year by the Baseball Writers Association of America, and in 2006 coached the AL in the All-star Game. You are the fucking man Ozzie!

All of this def makes Ozzie a world caliber ball player and manager but honestly you can keep all that. The reason that I love the guy is that he speaks his mind no matter who he offends. There are countless stories. There was the whole feud with Magglio Ordóñez where Ozzie said, “He fucked with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he fucked with the wrong people.” I honestly don’t even remember what they were fighting about but that is some gangsta shit to say right there. There has been countless times where, as a manager, Ozzie has ordered his pitchers to intentionally hit a batter. This is just some old school baseball shit right here. You can’t let the other team push you around. Ozzie is a fucking G! Or how about a comment he made about Carlos Lee. Lee failed to slide hard enough on a play at second, Ozzie’s reaction? "We had a guy go into 2nd base as if his wife was turning a double play." Fucking hilarious! Lee was traded at the end of the season.

There are also instances where pitchers have fucked up and Ozzie leaves them in to teach them a lesson. It is his way of gaining control over players. If they don’t pitch the game the way he wants he will leave them in when they get into trouble and let their ERA go to shit. He is a man of principle. But my favorite Ozzie tirade would have to be the incident involving then Chicago Sun Times columnist Jay Mariotti. Mariotti wrote many articles criticizing Ozzie, in June of 2006 the feud came to a head with Ozzie publically calling Mariotti a fucking piece of shit and a fag. Now this event solidified Ozzie’s status in the Hip-Hop community because he took a page out of rappers Lil’ Wayne and Cammron’s books by claiming no homo.

In the end Guillén is the fucking man! He is the kind of guy I would never want to coach my kids little league team, but he is the right man for pro ball. After all if you can’t get irate and throw temper tantrums in the majors, where can you do it? Sure it’s only a game, but it is also their job. Pro players and managers have a right to get upset when things are not going well… IT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB! You would be upset too if the bike messenger company you work for was not holding their end of the bargain, or if your boss at the IT company was fucking up. Ozzie is the kind of guy I would love to get drunk with, and you know he likes to get drunk. He was one of the only managers who defended player’s rights to have beer in the clubhouse. Aside from the beer and blow up dolls that he is known to keep in the club house Ozzie is the coolest guy in baseball. I stand behind every decision he has ever made. And I totally agree with you Ozzie… Jay Mariotty is a fag (no homo).

- Noah Skillz