Ichiro Laserbeam New York New York

I was hoping that Mercury being in retrograde would cause a cosmic malfunction that would send Cole Hamels to the Yankees.  Because the universe doesn't exist to please me, this happened instead:

Luckily, I love Ichiro and am perfectly fine with this bizarre rupture from The Way Things Were.  Cole, just please don't go to the Rangers and I'll survive.

Where will Ichiro live in New York?  Or will he move to NEW JERSEY?

Ichiro Goes Home, Confronts the Bright White Future

Baseball semi-started this week, with a Mariners-A's series at Tokyo Dome. I saw my first-ever professional baseball game there in 2005 with Marti. In this picture, I didn't really like baseball and I'm holding a #24 flag with absolutely no awareness of its emotimagical connotations. Life gets different, sometimes.

For instance, Japan turned the Mariners Moose into a giant, break-dancing inflatable.

Time made Ichiro's hair turn gray and Dustin Ackley's beard grow. Time may also have turned Dustin Ackley into a good baseball player, because he hit the first home run of 2012.

I've been so singularly focused on Derek Jeter aging that I've neglected to remember that the same thing is happening to Ichiro out on the West Coast. Acknowledged or not, we're all getting older. Here's a photo of Ichiro confronting the bright white future.

Dustin Ackley is still young. TWENTY-FOUR, in fact. Are you going to be great this year, Dustin?

It's not "now or never," but it is "soon or get old and disappear."

Catch It!

It's been a few days since I scrolled through the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo gallery. I was going to post a gross-looking photo of Brian Wilson licking his gross-looking beard, but then I thought "Jenni, don't hate." Here, instead, are some photos of center fielders jumping to catch balls. They are Franklin Gutierrez, Ichiro Suzuki, Brett Gardner, Grady Sizemore (back when he could play baseball without injuring himself), and Ken Griffey Jr.

Don't hate...elevate!

First Look

Spring training has begun! Let's look at some aesthetically unsettling formal portraits of my favorite players:

The two sides of Ichiro are equally frightening.

Grady's in baseball jail on the moon. REDEEM YOURSELF, SIZEMORE.

Derek Jeter is so good. His head is exploding with goodness.

My first thought upon seeing this picture of Robbie Cano was,
"God, I bet he smokes a lot of pot." Do you think it's true?

For some reason, Mark Teixeira's portraits were published sideways. He doesn't need help looking strange, so I'm not posting them, here. I will, however, share this photo of Teix jogging in sports flip flops. Gah. I can't look at him without grimacing in a baffled and horrified, yet somehow loving way. He's not normal. He's not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not at all normal.

And finally, no one cares about taking artful photographs of Casey Blake. Aw. What happened to your beard, Casey? Do you want to play on my fantasy team again?

Sam, what happened to his beard?!

Gold Gloves (Subtitled: I Am Already Sick of People Complaining About Post-Season Awards)

Listen, Derek Jeter deserves to win this year's MVP award and nothing anyone can say-- including "Derek Jeter didn't win this year's MVP award"-- will ever make me think otherwise. Some people may call this willful ignorance or delusional idiocy. I call it incorruptible love for the most better-than-average baseball player, most inspirational life captain and all-around most important protector of universal sports happiness ever to exist in 2009, which is hands down the best kind of love I know. So, even though the cover story of today's ESPN.com MLB homepage questions most of this year's Gold Glove recipients, I'm going to reject well-researched analysis, logical argument, and unbiased judgment and just congratulate everyone! Don't you dare ask me how this kind of emotional non-thinking meshes with my post-Marx-y book choices and subsequent political views! Because today is a day to say "well done, athletes! We love you unconditionally in an uncomfortably religious-seeming way."

Player, Position, Team:

Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees

Did you know that this blog produces three of the first ten images that appear if you Google the words "Mark Teixeira weird face?" Well, it's true! And the picture of Sam and I on our masthead is number one! Sam, aren't you proud to be the demi-symbol of Mark Teixeira's facial weirdness?

Placido Polanco, 2B, Detroit Tigers

I don't know who this is. Could Placido Polanco be the only non-blogged 2009 Gold Glove winner? I want to say yes, but it's possible that Kei covered him in one of her pro-Tiger raves.

Evan Longoria, 3B, Tampa Bay Rays

I can't wait until A-Rod's ever-inflating ego makes his head explode because then the Yankees will sign Evan Longoria.

Joe Mauer, C, Minnesota Twins

Not done acting like I hate Joe Mauer. No comment.

Torii Hunter, OF, Los Angeles Angels

This photo comes from a blog written by women that love baseball. Their blog appears to be much more informative and fact-centric than this blog.

Ichiro Suzuki, OF, Seattle Mariners

In my imagination, this is a photo of Ichiro trying to tell the moose a joke and the moose saying, "You need to take lessons in making sense," because that's how I feel 90% of the time and I like to think that Ichiro and I, despite our many obvious differences, have one important thing in common. That thing being, of course, that we both seek affirmation from talking animals only to suffer constant humiliation and rejection.

Adam Jones, OF, Baltimore Orioles

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I will give props to Sam for calling this one out, pre-season.

Mark Buehrle, P, Chicago White Sox

He is beyond adorable. What time is it, Mark? Perfect game time? Miller Lite o'clock? 1:40 in the afternoon?

Derek Jeter, SS, New York Yankees

I could go on and on and on about how great Derek Jeter is, but I'll be polite for once and write it in my diary instead. [cartoon heart][flower][cartoon heart][cat wearing a yankee hat]

Post-scripts:

1. Last year, Grady Sizemore won a Gold Glove.


2. Want to see another weird picture of Mark Teixeira? Of course you do!

#24 on Your Scorecard, #1 in Our Hearts

"You can't forget about him.  I believe that even in this winter, in my sleep, he will appear in my dreams. To play together with that hero of mine, in the same uniform -- and on top of that, in Seattle -- that time we got, even now, seems like a dream. I believe that time with him will continue."

-Ichiro Suzuki, on the possibility of Ken Griffey Jr. returning to the Mariners next year (quote via ESPN) 

Everyone loves #24! Please see the below post for proof of Kei's steadfast devotion to her favorite baseball player,  #24 Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers.

Coincidentally, my number one is also a #24.

Robbie's looking a little rough there.  My second favorite #24, Grady Sizemore of the Cleveland Indians, has also seen better days.

Grady, what's going on with your life, right now? I'd like to blame it on the post-surgery pharmaceuticals, but just to be safe, I'll never look at photos of you in street clothes again.  Love may be blind, but sometimes you have to help it along by deliberately closing your eyes to the truth.

Don't forget to cheer for the Tigers tomorrow, everyone!

200(9)

o(^-^)m(-^ )e(^ )d( )e( ^)t( ^-)o(^-^)~♪
CONGRATULATIONS, ICHIRO!
イチローおめでとおおおお！！！

Yesterday, Ichiro Suzuki became the first MLB player to get 200 hits in 9 consecutive seasons. His RBI infield single against the Rangers broke a tied record that he had formerly held with Hall of Famer Willie Keeler, whose 8 consecutive 200 hit seasons spanned 1894 to 1901. Here's the Mariner's official tribute page. Ichiro's still about 200 hits away from being the Mariner's all-time hits leader, but barring injury or alien abduction (see previous posts tagged "Ichiro" for proof of his ever-mounting cosmic weirdness), 2010 will most definitely be his year.

Anyway, as you may recall, THIS BLOG LOVES ICHIRO...almost as much as this person does, maybe. Not as much as the Japanese do.

"Who's that?"
"Ichiro, man, he's a super star in Japan!"

(I could watch Ichiro YouTube videos all day long.)

ICHIRO, MAN, HE'S A SUPER STAR IN THIS AND ALL OTHER UNKNOWN ALTERNATIVE INTERGALACTIC SPACE-TIME CONTINUA.



Also, he has an adorable wife. Awwww.

It's an exciting, record-breaking, pennant-chasing time in baseball. Enjoy it while you can, because in a few months the World Series will be over and we'll have nothing to do but send fan mail to the Yankees in Florida, stalk Mr. Met, endure horrible fantasy football losses, and fail to try and read "In Search of Lost Time."

It's going to be a long, cold, boring winter.

Pulse Check

Photos from around the Majors, Friday, August 14, 2009.

FORTUNES RISING: Robbie Cano flashing that bazillion dollar smile.


FORTUNES FALLING: Clayton Kershaw's facial hair just gets worse and worse.


FORTUNES FLAT-LINED: So scared of A-Rod, super loathe K-Rod. Can someone explain those Mets uniforms to me, please?



YOUR DAILY BREAK FROM THE YANKEES-DODGERS PHOTO DELUGE: Buddies!

I just got a Mariner's news update that states that Ichiro (171), Robbie Cano (148) and Derek Jeter (148) are the top three hit leaders in the American League. Looking good, hitting great.

Photos of the Day

Over on our fantasy blog, Kei does an commendable job of selecting, posting and captioning her favorite Yahoo! MLB Photos of the day. Since Kei and Mordecai are traveling around the East Coast this week, I thought I'd keep the tradition alive by sharing some gems from yesterday's action.

The mighty Yankees trailed the worst team in baseball 3-2 for most of the evening, before rallying around Robbie Cano's RBI double in the 7th. Cano went 4-4 for the night and made a number of excellent defensive plays. That's my boy! Derek Jeter, on the other hand, went 0-3 and left the game early with "ankle soreness." Yikes.

Whaddaya know, Robbie Cano!

After Mariano Rivera shut it down for the Yankees in the 9th, I switched to the Dodger game, where house/horse-divider Clayon Kershaw was on the mound. The amazing Vin Scully lulled me to sleep some time in the 5th inning, so I'm not sure what's really happening in any of the photos below. I will, however, create some plausible explanations for your amusement.

Ichiro gives an umpire some sass after striking out against the Padres.
The Mariners won this game 5-0. No big surprise there.

A day after hitting a monster grand slam, Prince Fielder w-w-w-works it
around the base path at Progressive Field. No gulls or midges were sighted.

There is something weird going on with Jason Giambi's facial hair again.

Clayton Kershaw was unpredictable and inefficient on the mound,
but still shut the A's out for five innings. Aw, he's precious.

Matt Kemp can jump so high! The Dodgers celebrate a comeback
victory in the 10th. King Casey (left) did his part by going 2/5
with 2 runs and 2 RBIs.

There you have it...last night in baseball! It's rumored that Grady Sizemore could be back in action in 7-10 days...you can expect a big celebration, here, if that happens.