Good Morning, Jenni

I've been sleeping. I've been hibernating. I've been so preoccupied with wondering where I'm going to have to move to become Peyton Manning's art adviser that I completely failed to finish the Grady Sizemore injury rant I started writing two weeks ago. It's time to wake up.

Three nights ago, I dreamt that I met Cole Hamels and his skin was moon-bright, like a glowing porcelain doll. Last night, I listened to four hours of Fantasy Baseball podcasts. By the end, I was saying things like "I hate him" and "Oh God, I hate him" out loud to no one. It's like I'm in Emotional Spring Training.

Yeah, I'm ready to give my life back to you, baseball. Here's a celebratory photograph of Matt Kemp. Big League Stew seems to think it was an error or a prank. I just think it's a prediction.

Good luck to all the players I love! Good luck (but not as good) to all the players I hate, too, just to be nice. LET'S GET READY FOR BASEBALL!!!!

Photos of Matt Kemp; My Plan to Buy the Dodgers (with Your Money)

Instead of dwelling on my mixed-because-they-were-never-positive-but-I-still-don't-want-him-to-have-taken-performance-enhancing-drugs-because-that's-not-good-for-baseball feelings about NL MVP Ryan Braun, let's just look at nice photos of Matt "he-really-should-have-won-that-MVP-award" Kemp. I don't know why I hyphenated his nickname.

Matt Kemp's mom must be really proud of him. I wonder what he bought her for Christmas.

I've never seen these Casey Blake t-shirts before! I cannot believe that something Casey Blake-related happened on the internet and I MISSED IT.

The Dodgers are my second favorite baseball team. Someday, I'm going to go to Chavez Ravine (with John Chavez) and get Casey Blake's autograph. I hope he doesn't retire before then.

John and I were talking about making a Kickstarter page to buy the Dodgers, but we had a hard time coming up with worthwhile rewards. Give us $250,000.00 and we'll make you a print out of this blog. And gild the edges. Okay no, give us $500,000.00 and we'll make a golden-edged print-out of this blog with your name substituted for every other occurrence of the words "Derek Jeter." Give us $50 million dollars and we'll name some seats after you and FedEx you a bag of frozen Dodger Dogs.

Buns included!

I Love Matt Kemp, But This Might Be Too Much

Matt Kemp is in a class of his own when it comes to defining baseball celebrity. Is there any other actually glamorous Major Leaguer? But this photo goes too far. You're announcing a new deal with the Dodgers, not accepting an Oscar!

Okay fine, I'd probably really like this picture if it had been taken from a different angle. Because this...I have no problems with this.

SMILE, YOU'RE FAMOUS. Congratulations!

Home Run Derby

Other than dropping something off of the top of this building, it's hard to imagine making any object travel 472 feet. Robbie Cano did it tonight. Prince Fielder did it too, plus two feet more. I have a few different photos saved on my desk top as "Cool-Fielder.jpg." He's that cool...look at him!

There were a lot of good smiles present at the Derby, but these are my two favorite:

I've seen this glove pose before and I find it almost as cute as Matt Kemp does, but Robbie Cano has the best smile in baseball, hands/gloves/whatever down. And he hit the most home runs, tying Adrian Gonzalez by hitting 20 in the first two rounds combined, then hitting 12 to win in the final round.


I read on Yahoo! Answers that hitters get to choose their pitchers. Robbie chose his dad, Jose Cano. David Ortiz also chose Robbie's dad.

Congratulations, Robbie!!! What a week for the Yankees. Are we going to win the World Series?

My Favorite Getty Images 2011 Baseball Portraits

Brooklyn Throwback

The newly orphaned Dodgers wore Brooklyn throwback uniforms yesterday in their extra-inning victory over the Atlanta Braves. Our old friend Casey Blake hit a home run!

Emerging ace Clayton Kershaw struck out seven batters and wore very large pants. Matt Kemp hit a walk-off home run in the 12th inning. I think he has the right idea with the high socks. Is this shade of powder blue the universal signifier of PAJAMAS? I remember the Blue Jays doing something like this once, to pretty much the same effect.

In case you've forgotten, this is what the Dodgers usually look like:

And what they did look like when they were in Brooklyn (courtesy of this cool fan blog):

Now, I too must brush my teeth and leave Brooklyn.

Baseball as Experienced Through my iPhone

Here are some iPhone photos of my recent baseball activities:

Yankee Stadium, Hat Night

A page from my baseball card binder

Watching the Dodgers on my computer

Earlier today, an appropriately dreamy photo of Cole Hamels

Cole Hamels was great this afternoon. Here are two notable excerpts from his 2009 Sports Illustrated profile:

In early January 2009 Cole and Heidi drove their Jeep, with a U-Haul attached, from their house in suburban Philadelphia to Clearwater so Cole could start his off-season workouts at the Phillies' spring training facility. On the way they stopped in Orlando. There Heidi, a dedicated runner who has a master's degree in exercise physiology, ran a half-marathon and attended a convention on behalf of a company she has started with her sister Dawn called sistasshirts.com, which produces and sells inspirational T-shirts for female runners. (Cole manned the credit-card swiper.)

Hamels is also humble and quick to laugh at himself. He casts himself as the rube in many of the personal stories he tells. There was the time that shortstop Jimmy Rollins and a few other teammates invited him to play cards on the team plane. ("I was like, Sure, I know how to play poker, but it wasn't poker, and the next thing I know, all my meal money's gone.") And the misunderstanding over the 2010 Chevy Camaro he won as the World Series MVP and promised in a postgame interview to give to Heidi. ("I kept waiting for them to deliver it, so I finally called and they said you have to order it online, and it'll take eight months. I was like, I thought I just got the one that was on the field!")

I'm now listening to the Yankees-Red Sox game on the radio. No photos will be taken.

Opening Day 2011

The forecast promises snow and freezing rain tomorrow, but the long, dark season of "I-guess-I'll-get-interested-in-football-but-I-still-don't-like-basketball" is finally over. I've been watching baseball on my computer, on my phone and on a muted television at the Greenpoint YMCA for nine hours and counting, now. Here are my favorite photos of things I may have seen at one point during the day:

TIGERS v. YANKEES

AMERICA: giant flag, fireworks, Statue of Liberty, advertisements,
Yankees, baseball, hot dogs (probably somewhere).

Curtis Granderson's diving catch. Later, he hit a home run.

Welcome to New York, Miggy.

Mark Teixeira hit a 3-run home run. Derek Jeter said "Congratulations!"

BRAVES v. NATIONALS

AMERICA: shooting columns of fire into the air,
men charging through clouds of smoke

Bahhhh. You again.

BREWERS v. REDS

Prince Fielder with beard and earflaps.

PADRES v. CARDINALS

I have this guy Chase Headley on my Fantasy team. Here he
is scoring a run. What does his face look like?

ANGELS v. ROYALS

Bobby Abreu chewing gum.

GIANTS v. DODGERS

I typically cheer for the Dodgers, but with Joe Torre gone, Casey Blake injured, Andre Ethier wearing a ponytail and MLB.tv not allowing me to listen to the Vin Scully audio over the ESPN video feed, I wasn't sure how I'd feel during the game. The ESPN announcers sucked. I mean, you can't just say that Pablo Sandoval lost 40 lbs. on the "chicken salad diet" and not describe what was in the chicken salad. I don't know what he was eating before, but mainlining mayonnaise doesn't sound like the fastest route to good health.

The California Baseball Giants

But he looks a lot thinner here.

Matt Kemp had a good night. I forget how attractive he is and then
see him and think he should be a movie star.

Anyway, despite the aforementioned factors, I really enjoyed this game. You'd have to have a heart made out of wormy garbage to not feel closer to the Giants after their World Series victory last year. I hope Buster Posey becomes a baseball megastar and that Panda enjoys continued success with that chicken salad. Do you put apples in it? Golden raisins?

THE YANKEES WON!
THE DODGERS WON!
ROY HALLADAY IS PITCHING TOMORROW.
I LOVE BASEBALL!!!!!