Ladies Love Us v. 2.0: The Outfield

Yesterday, I began to address the question of whether or not my Fantasy team has gotten less lovable by evaluating my infielders. Now, let's examine the outfield:

OF: 2009 - GRADY SIZEMORE (CLE); 2010 - ANDRE ETHIER (LAD)

In addition to being a cosmic waste of fantasy energy in 2009, Grady Sizemore was also the source of 90.5% of all managerial conflict for the Ladies. I love him. Paul hates him. In fact, Paul threatened to quit the team if I redrafted Grady this year. We took Andre Ethier, instead. Sometimes, I think he's really cute and sometimes I think he looks like a small talking mouse. Even though he'd be an upgrade over almost any other outfielder, here Ethier is LOVE DOWNGRADE.

Last year, Kei made this collage of Marauders of Time managers with their #1 draft picks. Doesn't it look like Grady and I went to prom together? My high school G.P.A. was higher than his, but maybe they didn't have weighted AP classes at Cascade High School in Everett, WA.

Grady, I still think we have a future...I'll call you when I move to Cleveland.

OF: 2009 - NICK SWISHER (NYY); 2010 - JASON KUBEL (MIN)

Remember when I met Nick Swisher last year? Jason Kubel looks like a ghoul and he plays for the Twins. SERIOUS LOVE DOWNGRADE.

OF: 2010 - NYJER MORGAN (WAS); 2009 - ADAM DUNN (WAS)

I made these photos backwards. Nyjer Morgan has a nice smile and steals a ton of bases. Adam Dunn looks like a donkey and steals NO bases. This is a LOVE UPGRADE.

UTILITY: 2009 - MANANANANNY RAMIREZ (LAD???); 2010 - JUAN PIERRE (CWS)

Hey Manny! I think you may be a bad person, but I still like you tons! Do something funny this year! Please make the Dodgers not suck! Are you and Casey Blake friends? I can't imagine that this could be possible! Juan Pierre looks like a teenager, but he's older than I am! We got him to compliment Nyjer Morgan! I wonder how that will work out...LOVE DOWNGRADE!

Next, our pitching staff, where a lot of good things happened yesterday....

Fantasy Baseball Days are Here Again

Kei and I blog our fantasy baseball league here.
Sports feelings! GET READY!!!!!!

Day 4 Wrap-Up

 SEE YOU, SAINT LOU.

Earlier this year, I was so into Manny Ramirez.  I even took him super high in our Fantasy draft, despite his having not yet re-signed with the Dodgers.  Then, after he did re-sign, I got super excited and bought Dodgers-Mets tickets even though it was MARCH.  Even though I HATED THE METS.  Then, after he got busted for taking banned substances, I counted forward fifty games forward and bought MORE METS TICKETS because I knew his suspension would be over and that he'd be newly back on the field and ready to crush 8,000 home runs, like, per game.

Except he didn't do that.  Not only did he scorch a fifty-day burn mark deep into my Fantasy bench before returning to post worse numbers than Casey Blake, but he also made the real-life Dodgers go into a Juan Pierre-less slump.  The combination of those two things made me pretty sick of Manny... until two minutes ago, when the Dodgers swept the Cards and ESPN.com posted the above picture.  That photograph has given my love for ManRam new life.  MANNY, I STILL THINK YOU MIGHT KIND OF SUCK AS A HUMAN BEING, BUT HOW CAN I HATE YOU WHEN YOU'RE SO ADORABLY RUDE?  See you, St. Lou!  I hope you guys have fun hanging out with Nelly this winter, 'coz Casey Blake and I are gonna be having a blast wearing our NLCS t-shirts at the Valley West Mall.

A screenshot of Casey's somewhat baffling Bon Jovi commercial cameo

I bought a $10 subscription to TBS Hotcorner, which was FREE last year, but whatever.  This is what the games look like on my computer:

 

 

The cameras that are the most consistently in-focus are the two dugout cams.  You can see the Dodgers' cam in the top right quadrant of these screen shots.  (It was the bottom of the ninth and the Dodgers were on the field, so not a lot was happening there.)  Dugout cam is my favorite angle because 1) the other camera angles never follow the ball and are therefore annoying and 2) when the Yankees are playing, there's always good, close-up footage of things like Derek Jeter's elbow.  I guess you're supposed to use Hotcorner as a supplement to the TBS TV broadcast, but I can't find TBS on our television.  If someone in New York knows how to do this, be a friend and let me know.

Anyway, I had to go to Teddy's to watch the Yankees game last night.  Because they give you a free Brooklyn Lager for every Yankee home run, I got pretty drunk after both A-Rod and Teixeira went deep late in the game.  As a result, my Day 3 Recap post was understandably lacking.  Here is what happened:

ALDS GAME 2: YANKEES EXTRA INNING WALK OFF WINNERS!

Yankees 4, Twins 3

Yankees lead series 2-0
W: Robertson (1-0)

L: Mijares (0-1)

HR: NYY Rodruigez (1), Teixiera (1)

ALDS GAME 2: SOX SCORE A RUN, BUT STILL LOSE!

Angels 4, Red Sox 1

Angels lead series 2-0

W: Weaver (1-0)

L: Beckett (0-10

S: Fuentes (1)

Today's Phillies-Rockies game got postponed, meaning that the most boring playoff series of the year still isn't over.  Here's what happened with the Dodgers:

NLDS GAME 3: I already told you about this.

Dodgers 5, Cardinals 1

W: Padilla (1-0)

L: Pineiro (0-1)

HR: LAD Ethier (2)

Let's see that Casey Blake photo one more time...

It's pretty sweet that the last team to clinch their division is the first to advance to the Championship Series.  That said, this is the inevitable twilight of my Dodger fandom for the year, because if they make it to the World Series and face the Yankees, I'm with my team 100%.* 

THIS TEAM:

Hahahahahahaha...Jeeeeeter!

*Not sure if this will reduce my chances of hanging out with Casey Blake in Iowa over Christmas break, but that's a risk I'm willing to take, I guess.

Independence Asserted; Manny Unimpressed and Unimpressive

Happy Fourth of July! Some clubs celebrated early by unleashing terrifying amounts of explosives into the air above their ballparks last night.

Chez les Rockies

Le ball field de Kansas City

Because I like loud noises, violence and Jell-O shaped flag cakes, the Fourth of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. I guess I like independence and freedom too, although come on, I've read enough Debord and Marcuse to know that FRIENDS, WE ARE NOT FREE. If anything, Major League Baseball feeds the spectacle of wealth, fantasy and endless entertainment that has placated our society with the illusion of unlimited choices and unrestricted happiness. But above loud noises, violence, and even Jell-O, I love baseball so I'm willing to not think about it for the time being. Whew. Play ball!

Last night, Manny Ramirez stepped to the plate for the first time since May. The crowd at San Diego's Petco Park was on their feet and, to quote Vin Scully, "cheering like it [was] the last out of the last game of the World Series." Which is not to say that the reception was entirely positive. Like Alex Rodruiguez before him, Manny was greeted by a fair amount of boos and signs reading "MANROID." Unlike A-Roid, Manny did not immediately smash a home run off the first pitch he saw. Here's a screenshot of him looking thoroughly unpsyched about his first at bat.


Despite Joe Torre's claim that, "It just feels like the atmosphere had little bubbles in it today," Manny seemed pretty glum throughout. First day jitters? He walked once before going 0/3 for the night.

"I still gotta wear this?"

"That thing is attacking me. This game is hard."

Good luck, Manny! I know you can do it!

Since we started with fire, we'll end with heat: Matt Kemp looking dreamy as always.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Hello Again

10pm EST v. the Padres. He's back.

In Which Our Errant Men Hobble Homewards

Spending last week on life's DL has brought me slightly closer to recently wounded Indian and eternal dreamboat Grady Sizemore. The frustration of not being able to perform one's favorite activities is something we now share. Thankfully, both of us rallied back to action last night: Grady, by going 2/5 with a 2RBI triple, and me, by limping all the way to Greenpoint without falling over in exhausted exasperation. While no members of the media were present to capture the miracle of Jenni walking, some mean-spirited ass masquerading as a professional photographer snapped this image of Grady before his game-changing triple.

Apparently, Grady and I also share a love of pouting under pressure.

I swear to God that Getty Images hates Grady Sizemore. They never posted photos of him before his injury and, upon his fairly triumphant return, this is what they give us? Please. Somebody get me their address because I'm ready to file a formal complaint.

In other news, Manny Ramirez played his first minor league game last night, going 0/2 in four innings with the Albuquerque Isotopes. According to Peter Pascarelli of ESPN's Baseball Today podcast, Manny is "jacked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator." When I shared this news with Paul, who co-manages both Grady and Manny on our Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball Team, he said, "What, so he's on MORE drugs?" Haha. Not that I'd be surprised....

Anyway, here's Manny stretching and failing to hit a minor league pitch. He looks pretty good, no?

"I'm baaaaaaack!"

And finally, while we're on the topic of men trying finding their ways home, here's a photo of Derek Jeter bending beneath the burden of the Yankees' awful hitting drought.

"...Lead us not into Red Sox nation and deliver us from A-Rod..."

Derek! I believe in you! Lest you've forgotten, let me end by directly quoting the last paragraph of your autobiography:

Believe me, I'm thankful every day that my dreams have unfolded. I think about what I have to do to improve, about how long my career might last, about where I've been, and about where I should be going. I keep myself motivated that way. Now, grab a hold of your life and take it seriously. Face the challenges and work hard to do everything you want to do. That's what I did and what I'm still doing. You can't treat your life like a soiled T-shirt, not for one day.

Amen. So, readers, remember, even if you're physically broken like Grady, spiritually corrupt like Manny, or floundering miserably in a sea of woes like the Yankees, never treat your life like a soiled T-shirt. Not even for one day.

Further to That Thought

Looking through my vast archive of Manny photos this morning, I rediscovered this one, which I had saved for a planned post on "Manny Holding Up Cardboard Signs." I didn't realize how simultaneously funny and sad it was then, but I do now, especially since Manny's mom probably is [sad face].

Not Mad at Manny

Though I will make the disclaimer that I know nothing about baseball, I secretly believe that my JV softball captainship gives me the authority to say anything I want about the sport with confidence. Lucky for you, this post doesn't really have anything to do with baseball.

On the morning rush hour train last week I saw a fight between a fired-up fat woman in her forties and an embarrassingly handsome teenager. I find all raised voices on the subway alarming since I heard Tim Kudo's story about hell breaking loose when a fellow commuter started smoking crack in the train car, but this clash soon revealed itself as a mild debate about Manny's recent 50-game suspension.




The older woman doesn't trust Manny: "Why would he take so long to defend himself, otherwise? And what excuse could he possibly have for taking a medication designed for WOMEN?" While her debating partner countered, "Yo, you don't KNOW that Ms.P. He waited cause he was embarrassed to admit it. He's had it rough and now we're up in his business!”

Instinctually I thought it was ridiculous that these people were arguing so passionately about the intentions of someone (I assume) they've never met. And not to get all emotionally detached, but does it really matter if he's lying or not? Sure we want him to be a good role model, but we don't know him. We don't know what he's thinking or what actually motivates his decisions in life.

Then 7 stops into the train debate it occurred to me that maybe we talk about celebrities like we know them because we really do know them. Not the version of them that their friends or families know, but a public version that we spackle with assumptions. What makes them any less real than any other acquaintance that we barely know but still gossip about with our friends?

Celebrities are the common reference points that we have as a culture. If we're not talking about how stupid Manny is for taking steroids, we're talking about how awesome he is for his .348 batting average and limitless quirks. Or we're talking about how Lohan looks better fat. Or skinny. Or gay.



In a big picture way, it really doesn't matter what these people do as long as they’re doing something memorable or noteworthy that adds to our collective consciousness. They turn us from a random mass of strangers to a unified people with a common language and shared experiences. Like Paul Simon's Graceland, or LOST (LOST!!), Manny's poor decisions spin the golden thread that ties us all together. Without him our subways would be silent. So, I dont really care if he's guilty or not. Maybe Manny's strongest contribution to our “national pastime” is just giving us something to talk to each other about.

You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello

Happy Friday! Let's talk about drugs. As you may know, A-Rod is scheduled to make his season debut with the injury-ridden, unhappy Yankees today. Here are two photos of him doing what he does best...looking clueless.

What is this object?

What's my name? Who am I?

Keep up the good work, Alex. Let's hope that he also manages to excel at what he does second best...hitting monster home runs. Some of ESPN's baseball commentators are already saying that the Yankees are done for the season, which, having listened to or watched most of their games, I can't really contest. Seeing as that my Yankees-fandom started in 2006, I've never known them to do anything but lose. So, yeah, it's just going to be another one of those years.

I did have extremely high hopes for the LA Dodgers, who I began to love last year because of 1) Joe Torre, 2) Casey Blake and 3) Manny Ramirez. Now that Manny's out of the picture until early July, it's going to be a bit tougher for the Dodgers to crush their NL West competitors. A bit. They'll be fine. Moreover, this will be an excellent opportunity for Matt Kemp to launch his career as a sports celebrity. You can tell by the way he plays that he is DYING for more TV time.

Now, some of you may be worried about how Casey Blake will weather the loss of Manny. After all, most of Blake's runs this season can be attributed to Ramirez. I'm happy to report that he's doing just fine on his own, so far. Last night, despite being the game's final out, he went 2/4 and had two runs. He's batting an amazing .385 this week, which is the best average in my Fantasy lineup, and his beard looks great! Finally, he's physically dominating the competition. Look at him almost beating the brains out of Natinal's catcher Jesus Flores as he slides into home.

Of course, Casey Blake would never stoop to such mindlessly violent behaviour. He is a classy athlete and besides, Iowans don't mess with Jesus.

Speaking of drugs, here's a video of the Beatles wearing shiny uniforms and singing Hello, Goodbye.

THE WORST

Oh, Manny.

Last night, I dreamt that Robbie Cano had been killed in a car crash-gunfight combination. The Yankees tried to cover up the news by reporting that he had been killed in a plane accident, which, okay, is the kind of thing that only makes sense in dreams. How did my brain know that today would be such a baseball downer?

Absolutely bummed out to the max...but, well, I guess at least NO ONE DIED.

NL West

Today marks the end of an ambitious six week journey through the mugshot library on MLB.com's 2009 Fantasy Preview. Thanks for sticking with us! I'll post a comprehensive review of my rankings later this week. Until then, here's the NL West.

Dominating the competition were the Los Angeles Dodgers, with a team average of 5.62.

Best of the West: Casey Blake (9), Matt Kemp (7), Manny Ramirez (8)

From what I've heard, people in L.A. really care about the way things look, so I guess it makes sense that they have attractive ball players. Matt Kemp's at some sort of awards show in his photo...I wonder if the Dodgers get invited to celebrity events all the time. I'm trying to imagine Casey Blake making small talk with Paris Hilton next to a heart-shaped swimming pool full of champagne and live goldfish...hmm...okay, same scenario except substitute Joe Torre for Casey Blake. Now we're talking.

And the Rest: Hong-Chin Kuo (4), Jonathan Broxton (3), Doug Mientkiewicz (4)

I bet these guys never get invited to Paris Hilton's heart-shaped champagne pool parties. Pop quiz: In the photo on the right, the baseball is flying a) towards Doug Mientkiewicz or b) out of Doug Mientkiewicz. I honestly can't tell.

Because 90% of everything in the West is in California, in second place we have the San Fransisco Giants with an average score of 5.03.

Travis Ishikawa (7), Emmanuel Burriss (7), Alex Hinshaw (7)

These Giants can only wish that they were these Giants, who are popularly known as the Yankees of Japan. Travis Ishikawa is half-Japanese, though, which I found interesting.

Randy Johnson (2), Sergio Romo (3), Tim Lincecum (3)

It's sort of a miracle that the Giants finished second with faces like this in their lineup. I really hate that video game commercial wherein Tim Lincecum walks around with his avatar. The part where they're in towels in the locker room with Randy Johnson is the WORST.

The Colorado Rockies came in third, scoring 4.75.

Rocky Mountain Highs: Dexter Fowler (7), Yorvit Torrealba (6), Carlos Gonzalez

Did you know that Dexter Fowler turned down Harvard to play for the Rockies? Maybe he thought he'd feel out of place. I tried to find a current photo of Harvard's baseball team, but got creeped out by the Go Crimson! website. This is because I am at least five years older than everyone in college and have no business trying to spy on their lives via their internet.

And Lows: Todd Helton (4), Sal Fasano (3), Brad Hawpe (4)

Given his long history of amazingly bad facial hair, Sal Fasano probably deserves his own post. Along those lines, you know things aren't going right if you could be the beard twin of Kevin Youkilis.

The Arizona Diamondbacks came in fourth with a team average of 4.62.

Ruling Arizona: Chris Young (8), Justin Upton (7), Stephen Drew (6)

Yes, that's Boss Man Jr. Upton's baby brother holding a bat like he wants to bash your head in with it. Meanwhile, it's nice to finally see a white dude giving props to God. Hey Jesus, Stephen Drew's dedicating that one to you.

D'backs: Luke Carlin (3), Chad Qualls (3), Brandon Webb (3)

These guys look like they just don't get it. Plus, they are wearing extremely ugly uniforms.

Finally, in fifth, we have the San Diego Padres, bringing us home with a score of 4.19.

Keepers of the Faith: Kevin Kouzmanoff (5), Chris Young (6), Adrian Gonzalez (6)

Other Brothers: Everth Cabrera (3), Matt Antonelli (3), Edgar Gonzalez (3)

I made these photo collages last week, but couldn't finish writing the post on Friday. Just now, I was like, "WTF Jenni, did you put a photo of Adrian Gonzalez in the hot AND not collage?" The answer is no! Adrian and Edgar are BACKYARD BROTHERS. Check it out:

After learning that, I started to wonder if Everth Cabrera was related to the NYY's Melky Cabrera. Melky's Wikipedia page seems to suggest not. I did discover that Melky has a son named Melky Jr. and that his favorite movie is Scarface. Uh huh.

So, that's it! The rankings are in and a winners list is forthcoming. I'm SO ready for this season to start....

Manny v. Mark; Manny Being Merlot

I used to get all of my baseball news from MLB.com, but yesterday I discovered a very cool, new sports website called ESPN.com. I'm so into their video archive! They even have a feed labeled "Manny Being Manny," where you can watch ManRam riding a tricycle in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium and playing cricket in Australia. Here's a blog-relevant excerpt from his interview with ESPN's Colleen Dominguez:

C: You once said you wanted to be a Yankee.
M: Why not? I'm from there....So okay, if I say I like New York, that doesn't mean I'm a bad guy.
C: Were you surprised when the Yankees didn't come knocking on your door during Free Agency?
M: No, they got a better player than me. They got Mark Teixeira. I'm not surprised.
C: Why is Mark Teixeira a better player than you?
M: He's young, great defense. Handsome guy. (laughs)
C: You're not a handsome guy?
M: I am, I'm good looking, but....

Now wait a minute...is Manny implying that Mark Teixeira is better-looking than he is?

Teixeira with the Angels, Manny with the Aussies, via

It's time for another reader's poll. Teixeira v. Manny...who's better looking? One thing's for sure: Mark Teixeira may have scored a bigger contract, but he doesn't have a wine named after him.

Unfortunately, the Manny Being Merlot is sold out. There are, however, several other custom player wines available online. The Third Base or Bust Season Opener Party just got better!

VOTE IN THE COMMENTS, PLEASE! AMERICA IS FOUNDED ON ACTIVE DEMOCRACY.

Jonathan Papelbon is Angry

Via


What a d'bag.

Mannywood is for Lovers

Submitted by Matt Woolsey, more Manny photos with affectionately snarky (i.e. not funny) captions from ESPN, here.

MANNYWOOD IS COMING

UPDATE: MANNYWOOD IS HERE. It's done. Negotiations over. OMG happy. 11.43am

From MLB.com:
"I'm happy in L.A. I like my teammates and had a great time," Ramirez told the Los Angeles Times on Tuesday in an interview conducted earlier in the day. "The fans were so good to me; they treated me the best anywhere in my career. And now I think we're getting close (to a deal) ... Tell everyone, Mannywood is coming."

Another happy ending in Mannywood.

It's going to happen today. This will be good for the Dodgers, great for my Fantasy Team and AWESOME for my already-paid-baseball-attending plans. SEE YOU ON JULY 9th, MANNY!

Retreat to the Image World

I spent about two years struggling through Guy Debord's "Society of the Spectacle" (you can watch the less time-consuming, more boob-filled film here), which is, in part, a compelling diatribe against the over-pervasiveness of images in modern society. Alternately stated, it's about reification and its detriments. Alternately stated, it's about how we've all f'ed ourselves by wasting our lives looking at pictures when, really, we should have been Living In the World. While, generally, I'm on board with Debord, certain parts of the image-world are such vast improvements over the world-world that I can't help but prefer them to "reality."

Another thing that I've been doing for about two years is visiting Kei and Mordecai in Chicago. Last year, they got MLB Power Pros, which is a super fun game for Nintendo Wii. In it, you can assume the character of ANY baseball player in the Major Leagues. In addition to playing games and participating in the Home Run Derby, you can also practice hobbies and go on dates.


Last year, I played as Robbie Cano. My hobbies were watching horror movies and eating spaghetti. I didn't get any dates, but I did make friends with Damaso Marte. Now, as we all know, Robbie Cano is a heartthrob on and off the field, in drag and on the bench, i.e. always, so it's no surprise that image-world Cano is also extremely cute. Look, though, at what Nintendo has done to the UGLIEST TEAM IN BASEBALL!




So cute! Dustin Pedroia has been transformed from a snouty moleman to a sad-eyed puppy! I wish I could show you a picture of image-world Kevin Youkilis to drive home the point, but you'll just have to trust me on this one...he's adorable!

There are a few baffling Power Pros bobble heads. Hideki Matsui, for example, has distinct acne scars...true to life, perhaps, but strange treatment for a home-country favorite. And Derek Jeter, well...



...I don't see the resemblance. Anyway, I'm currently in Chicago with MordeKei, where we're eating candy for breakfast and playing Animal Crossing. This afternoon, we're going to buy giant boxes of baseball cards (the image-link-bridge between the world-world and the hyper-fantastical-Nintendo-image-world), the highlights of which I'll share with you, here. Also, be sure to tune in tomorrow when Sam and I rank the American League Central division.

Right, Sam?!