Don't Forget About Jayson Werth. I Never Will.

Jayson Werth is still out there, skulking around the outfield, making $18 million dollars a year and giving pre-humans their due representation in the Major Leagues.  There were a lot of photos of him in today's Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery, so I thought I'd share my three favorites with you.  I like these photos because each one of them teaches you something about Jayson Werth.

1. He's started using Chase Utley's hair gel.

2. He can roll his eyeballs all the way back into his head.

3. His arms aren't like other people's arms.

Maybe he's not pre-human. Maybe he's UNDEAD.  

Two Bad Things Happened

Somehow, C.C. Sabathia and Cole Hamels managed to have their worst starts of the season at the same time. I was listening to one on the radio and watching the other on MLB.tv. I'm trying to have a nice, positive attitude about this, since it doesn't help anyone for me to get angry and/or depressed. Positivity-ly, let's also not dwell on what's happening to my Fantasy teams or the fact that I've irresponsibly decided to eat a box of candy right after brushing my teeth. Sometimes, bad things happen and you just have to wait for them to stop happening.

C.C. Sabathia gave up five solo home runs for the first time in his career-- to my least favorite team in baseball. This was a bad thing.

Meanwhile, Cole Hamels had to deal with this:

And this:

He struck Jayson Werth out with the bases loaded. That was a good thing.

But his velocity was down and he kept missing the strike zone. Those are bad things. After the game, he said he was dealing with a "dead arm phase." Cole, I think it's actually called "Mercury Retrograde," because I've got it too and it's not going away until September. If the Red Sox look like they're going to sweep the playoffs by then, I guess we can chalk it up to cosmic insanity.

Look Now, Look Again

Here are some things I noticed while scrolling through the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery:

Successfully pitching his first complete game of the season did not change Roy Halladay's perpetually dour expression. The above photo made me think of this, for some reason:


It's Saint Sebastian! The patron saint of "soldiers, plagues, arrows, athletes/athletics/sports." I googled "patron saint of baseball" and this is what happened:

Thanks dude. Since we're on the subject of religion:

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I love thinking about what the Connecticut basketball player to A-Rod's right is texting in this photo. Doesn't A-Rod look like he's made out of plastic?


And finally, I swear that Derek Jeter is wearing bigger pants than normal:

See?

I did a few image searches for "Derek Jeter big pants" and "Derek Jeter tight pants" and "Is Derek Jeter wearing bigger pants than usual?" Which lead to this:

The internet...who knows why anything is the way it is. More Derek Jeter pants updates to follow.

January Update

Tonight, while reading my second anxiety-inducing Jonathan Franzen novel of 2011, I started thinking about how much happier I would be staring at the Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball Stat Tracker while simultaneously monitoring the slightly delayed live game feed of the night's most interesting pitching match up and listening to the Yankees game on the radio. Even though these two bad things happened in the off-season...

...and this happened again...


...and this will probably happen soon enough...

...I still can't wait for baseball to begin! On a happy note, this happened, too...

...which means that I will see ugly, old Jayson Werth about 95% less next year than last year. Have fun in loserville, loser.

Opening Day Memories

I thought about baseball so much this weekend that my brain caught on fire and I had to stay home from work with a fever today. Never fear...I went to my doctor and she gave me a bottle of BLACK CAPSULE PILLS to take twice daily, so it's likely that no permanent damage will occur. The upside of spending all of yesterday in a sickly haze is that I watched large segments of five different opening day games, as well as the Duke v. Butler game and Sunday night's Yankees-Red Sox beat down. Here are some highlights (in roughly chronological order):

1. BASEBALL STARTS....


2. ...hi Derek Jeter!!!!!!!


I was unhappy that the Yankees lost to the Red Sox on Sunday night. Red Sox fan Reid texted me on Monday morning to ask, "Are the Yankees going to win any games this year? Sure doesn't look like it now." To which I could only respond, "Yeah, probably only 103 like last year, starting some time in late May." It's important to remember that every team in the Major Leagues lost at least 59 games last year...that's a lot of losing!!!

3. Obama in the booth at the Phillies-Nationals game:

Obama threw his pitch high and outside, then he got in the booth and made fun of the Chicago Cubs. You can watch the video on MLB.tv, or you can just read the funniest part, which I transcribed below.

"The nice thing about the Sox is that it's a real blue collar baseball team. We always tease about the Cubs that they're up at Wrigley, sipping wine, playing day games...they're having a good time."

At first, I thought that it was rude of Obama to wear a White Sox hat while pitching for the Nationals, especially since the Nats are awful and need as much fan love as possible. But then I was reminded that the most important thing in baseball-- even beyond not making losers feel bad about being losers-- is being true to your team. This is why I will wear a Yankees hat when I'm inevitably asked to throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the I-Cubs.

4. Roy Halladay Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 12 strikeouts, 1.29 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and he got a single!

5. Mark Buehrle Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 3 strikeouts, 0.00 ERA, 0.57 WHIP...AND HE MADE THE DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE CENTURY!! You might not be able to imagine it from the above photo, but Mark Buehrle is a total babe. These posts from the archive prove it.

6. Hi Johnny Damon!

I like him so much more now that he's on the Tigers. I don't know why.

7. Did Kung Fu Panda gain or lose weight?

San Fransisco fan MBW said that the panda looked larger than last year. But the New York Times claims that he's lost weight. You can read more about his diet, OPERATION PANDA, here. Mom's special lasagna...hahahahaha.

8. HI GRIFFEY!!!!

What's up, friend? Nice double. Don't get injured! We love you.

NL East

Founded on February 2, 1876-- 25 hearty years before its American counterpart-- the National League is the oldest professional sports organization still in operation. Having completed our tour of the sprightly, star-studded AL "Junior Circuit" last Friday, we now turn our attention towards the innocuous and less talented "Seniors." Have I ever watched a National League game on television? No. And for the most part, I don't want to and won't (unless the Dodgers are involved). Still, before I can hand the World Series of Attractiveness title over to the Yankees, I have to to go through the motions of rating EVERY TEAM IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL. Let's get on with it then...beginning with the NL East!

Dominating the competition this week were the New York Mets, who finished with a very decent team average of 5.13.

The Kings of Queens: Carlos Delgado (7), Carlos Beltran (8), José Reyes (8)

Ladies and gentlemen, these pictures say it all. The Mets are a good looking team and they know it. For some reason, José Reyes's address is listed on his Wikipedia page. Uhhhh...here's a satellite image of his house.

In no way does Third Base or Bust encourage or condone celebrity stalking.

Citi Field's Other Half: Freddy Garcia (3) J.J. Putz (2) and Robinson Cancel (3)

As this blog has consistently demonstrated, many baseball players make strange facial hair choices. This will become even more evident later in this post, but J.J. Putz and Freddy Garcia are pretty good starting examples. And Robinson Cancel...he's like some sort of grotesque Robinson Cano wannabe. Step off boy, there's only room for Robbie C. in this city.

The Washington Nationals finished second in the National League, posting an average of 4.48.

Talk of the Nation: Dimitri Young (7), Lastings Milledge (6), Alberto Gonzalez (7)

If you Google "Alberto Gonzalez" "Washington," you do NOT come up with the Major League shortstop. Adding "National(s)" doesn't seem to help, either, so this face-obscured-by-hat-view is the best I could find. When it comes to Lastings Milledge, I can't say that I care for either his insolent on-field antics or his unsavory off-field rap career, but his mugshot wasn't bad. On the other hand, doesn't Dimitri Young look cool?!

More "Nick Cage" than "National Treasure": Ronnie Belliard (2), Adam Dunn (3), Nick Johnson (2)

How did Adam Dunn end up on my Fantasy Baseball bench? I'd call him the Achilles Heel of "Ladies Love Us," but unfortunately we also drafted previous hall-of-shamer Kerry Wood. Still, I maintain that we are the best looking team in the league. Proof forthcoming.

Here are the Atlanta Braves, in third place, with a score of 4.20.

Hotlanta-ish: Derek Lowe (5), Yunel Escobar (5), Garret Anderson (6)

As you can probably tell from the numerical ratings, I'm not too jazzed about this team. Derek Lowe is on my Fantasy pitching staff, though, so I'm pleased that he's not totally heinous.

Bravery Over Beauty: Jordan Schafer (3), Mike Gonzalez (3) and JoJo Reyes (3)

While Jordan Schafer looks somewhat like a cruel amalgam of boys I might have dated in my early 20's, he also looks like a terrifying space alien. Meanwhile, Mike Gonzalez and JoJo Reyes provide two more excellent examples of bad facial hair. Will someone who knows the proper names of these weird hair occurrences PLEASE write a post about this subject next week?

Reigning World Champions (of baseball), the Philadelphia Phillies came in fourth with an average of 4.13.

All-Over Champs: Jimmy Rollins (6), Ryan Howard (6), Marcus Giles (6)

Check out Ryan Howard's come hither stare and Jimmy Rollins double-number-one finger point. Other than that, I have nothing to say about the Phillies. I only cheered for them during the 2008 World Series because I HATE TAMPA BAY.

"Phil"lies and "Drinking," Two Words that Belong Together!:
Jayson Werth (2), Joe Blanton (2), Shane Victorino (2)

I like that this team-- no matter how unattractive-- knows how to party. Jayson Werth's double-fisting in the dugout with a girl on his back! And Joe Blanton's wearing a Lacoste polo shirt and getting his face licked by a lady with big earrings! And Shane Victorino...no, I refuse to say anything nice about him, even mockingly. That guy sucks.

Finally, fifthly, the Marlins who bottomed-out with a score of 3.84.

Best of the Worst: Cameron Maybin (6), Chris Coghlan (6), Hanley Ramirez (6)

You may be interested to know that Hanley Ramirez's Top Five Favorite Musical Artists are (in order of preference): Don Omar, 50 Cent, Bad Boy family, T-Pain and Akon. His Top Five Favorite Cars are: the Mercedes CLS 550, the Range Rover Sport, the Rolls Royce Phantom, the Maserati and the Lamborghini Murcielago. His Top Five Favorite Vacation Destinations are: Brazil, Europe, Samana (Dominican Repubilc), Hawaii and the Bahamas. How do I know this? I read it on his vanity website! Hanley Ramirez was listed as the #1 prospect on a few different Fantasy Baseball sites, but I still have no idea who he is.

I Didn't Make that Fish Picture, But I Wish I Had:
Ricky Nolasco (2), Ryan Tucker (2), Dan Uggla (2)

Things can't be good when you have a guy named Dan Uggla on your team. They just can't. This team scored lower than any team since the Boston Red Sox. Whew. Looking at the NL East put an unhealthy strain on my eyeballs.

I hear that Sam gets back into the country next week, so let's hope for a peaceful end to the long uncontested reign of Jenni. It's about time. We're back in the Midwest next Friday, with the Cubs, Astros, Cardinals, Reds and Pirates.