A New Unfortunate Thing That My Brain Did to Itself

Sometimes I have ideas that involve trying things that I've never tried before.  Today, my idea was to watch to guided imagery meditation YouTube videos while simultaneously listening to the end of the Yankees-Blue Jays game on the radio.  This was not a good idea.  The music made me visualize hypnotic raccoon faces leering at me from the Darkness of My Unknown Mind.  This felt bad, but instead of turning it off, I stopped focusing on my Inner Thoughts and made this picture:

While I was Photoshopping DJ, he hit a home run and tied the game at 7-7 in the ninth inning.  Why did THAT happen?  The music makes me feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of ice cold red Gatorade.  The music makes me feel like animals can talk.  The music makes the place between my eyeballs hurt.  One million, eight hundred and one thousand and thirty nine (1,801,039) people watched this video before I did.  One million, eight hundred and one thousand and thirty nine people have been subconsciously effecting the outcomes of Yankee games since this video was uploaded in September 2011.  Please do not listen to this music if your secret brain hates the Yankees.  

I guess I should be happy that I've used a free internet resource to unleash my psychokinetic sports powers, but I don't feel very good.  I will probably have awful dreams tonight and the Yankees still haven't won the game.

Don't Forget About Jayson Werth. I Never Will.

Jayson Werth is still out there, skulking around the outfield, making $18 million dollars a year and giving pre-humans their due representation in the Major Leagues.  There were a lot of photos of him in today's Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery, so I thought I'd share my three favorites with you.  I like these photos because each one of them teaches you something about Jayson Werth.

1. He's started using Chase Utley's hair gel.

2. He can roll his eyeballs all the way back into his head.

3. His arms aren't like other people's arms.

Maybe he's not pre-human. Maybe he's UNDEAD.  

How Things Make Me Feel

This depresses me:

But this scares [the shit out of] me:

Those are two things that I feel.

Anxiety in the AL East

It's August. The frivolity of the All-Star Break has come and gone, as has the frenzied deal-making surrounding last Friday's trade deadline. While the rest of us make plans to fritter away our summers at beach houses and margarita bars, Major League baseball teams are preparing to plunge helmet-first into what promises to be a very exciting pennant race. This is an especially charged week for MLB's power division, as tonight sees the Yanks in Toronto and the Red Sox in Tampa Bay. Then, on Thursday the Sox invade the Bronx to try and extend their complete dominance of our beloved Bombers. With the Yankees just .5 games ahead of the Red Sox and the Red Sox 5 games ahead of the Rays and the Rays 6.5 games ahead of the Blue Jays, a lot of ground stands to be won. As of this writing, it's the Yankees division to lose, but, well, when it comes to Doc Halladay and the Red Sox...losing's just sort of the norm.

Roy Halladay: Yankee killer, Fantasy saviour

A Halladay start is the only thing that ever tempts me to cheer against the Yankees. There's something terrifyingly sublime about his ability to drain all power from their otherwise formidable lineup. Smart people don't root against the supernatural.

And so, should tonight succumb to the tide of history, spitting our Yanks on the opposite shore of victory, my sadness will be bouyed by understanding and dignity. The same cannot be said of this weekend's series against the Red Sox. Seriously, boys, don't you think it's time we won a few?

"In our culture, we kill and eat our young."

Of course we should and I think we could, but that doesn't mean we will. And, if we don't it's going to be one depressing weekend.

But enough of all that, for now. It's come to my attention that readers would occasionally like to know about people who neither Yankees nor Dodgers nor Grady Sizemore. Go figure. So, from this point forward, I'm going to try and include a photo of a previously under-recognized player to the end of every blog post. To kick things off, here's current hot arm and non-douchey D'back, Dan Haren.




Dude must feel pretty good knowing that he can retire from baseball and go straight into a lucrative career of tending bars in Williamsburg.

Evil Empire On the Move

"Every year of my childhood this is the weekend when the Yankees decide they're not going to lose another game for the rest of the fucking season. I hope this isn't one of those years."

-Red Sox fan Reid to Jenni, via text on July 10th, 2009