My Third Snoopy Day / The Yankees 8,000th Post Season Berth

Before we talk about the Yankees, here's a picture of Toronto Blue Jay Ricky Romero wearing a fake beak.

Now, let's get serious. The Yankees clinched a playoff spot this afternoon by winning the first game in their doubleheader against the Tampa Bay Rays. Unlike the unruly Philadelphia Phillies, they celebrated by shaking hands. “We still feel as though we didn’t accomplish anything yet,” said Derek Jeter. DJ, when you do accomplish something, please get nicer looking hats than the Phillies did.

Top: Johnny Damon, Older and Fishier
Bottom: Brett Gardner looks really short.

Yesterday was my favorite day of the baseball calendar: Yankee Snoopy Doll Day! The Yankees beat the Rays 5-0. The Red Sox also lost, so who knows what's going to happen with the American League wild card.

Robinson Cano looks really short.

I made Alex go to the game two hours early, so we got to walk down to the field level seats and watch the Yankee rookies take batting practice.


We also went to Monument Park for the first time, where I took this photo through the protective netting.


As you might know or imagine, Monument Park feels like a cemetery. This solemn, mournful feeling is greatly enhanced by the huge plaque of George Steinbrenner that dominates the entire back wall.

Other parts of the stadium are much more beautiful and life-affirming.

The new 2011 Snoopys wear navy blue t-shirts. Unlike the 2011 Snoopys, they have no collar and have a slightly shorter snout. The 2009 pin-striped Snoopys-- the original Yankee Snoopys, as far as I know-- look noticeably different than their successors, with slimmer heads and defined necks. My 2009 Snoopy has also gotten quite dirty, but I don't think that's a generational trait.

Do not let this picture fool you: there are five Yankee Snoopys in my life. This count includes neither my one Yankee Mickey Mouse doll nor my unaffiliated Snoopy that plays music when you squeeze his chest.

Evan Longoria's Hair

I don't want to talk about Evan Longoria's strained left oblique. I want to talk about his hair.

This mullet of free spirited curls isn't that bad when he keeps his hat on, especially considering this look:

Or this one:

Or this one:

APRIL FOOL'S! That's Johnny Damon. Did you see him fall down in left field the other day?

Opening Day Memories

I thought about baseball so much this weekend that my brain caught on fire and I had to stay home from work with a fever today. Never fear...I went to my doctor and she gave me a bottle of BLACK CAPSULE PILLS to take twice daily, so it's likely that no permanent damage will occur. The upside of spending all of yesterday in a sickly haze is that I watched large segments of five different opening day games, as well as the Duke v. Butler game and Sunday night's Yankees-Red Sox beat down. Here are some highlights (in roughly chronological order):

1. BASEBALL STARTS....


2. ...hi Derek Jeter!!!!!!!


I was unhappy that the Yankees lost to the Red Sox on Sunday night. Red Sox fan Reid texted me on Monday morning to ask, "Are the Yankees going to win any games this year? Sure doesn't look like it now." To which I could only respond, "Yeah, probably only 103 like last year, starting some time in late May." It's important to remember that every team in the Major Leagues lost at least 59 games last year...that's a lot of losing!!!

3. Obama in the booth at the Phillies-Nationals game:

Obama threw his pitch high and outside, then he got in the booth and made fun of the Chicago Cubs. You can watch the video on MLB.tv, or you can just read the funniest part, which I transcribed below.

"The nice thing about the Sox is that it's a real blue collar baseball team. We always tease about the Cubs that they're up at Wrigley, sipping wine, playing day games...they're having a good time."

At first, I thought that it was rude of Obama to wear a White Sox hat while pitching for the Nationals, especially since the Nats are awful and need as much fan love as possible. But then I was reminded that the most important thing in baseball-- even beyond not making losers feel bad about being losers-- is being true to your team. This is why I will wear a Yankees hat when I'm inevitably asked to throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the I-Cubs.

4. Roy Halladay Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 12 strikeouts, 1.29 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and he got a single!

5. Mark Buehrle Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 3 strikeouts, 0.00 ERA, 0.57 WHIP...AND HE MADE THE DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE CENTURY!! You might not be able to imagine it from the above photo, but Mark Buehrle is a total babe. These posts from the archive prove it.

6. Hi Johnny Damon!

I like him so much more now that he's on the Tigers. I don't know why.

7. Did Kung Fu Panda gain or lose weight?

San Fransisco fan MBW said that the panda looked larger than last year. But the New York Times claims that he's lost weight. You can read more about his diet, OPERATION PANDA, here. Mom's special lasagna...hahahahaha.

8. HI GRIFFEY!!!!

What's up, friend? Nice double. Don't get injured! We love you.

New York, Ascendent

Per news reports, New York has taken a huge leap forward.

Detroit, however, has taken one huge step back. LINK

World Series Game 2

Time and destiny have been out of sync this week. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys were supposed to perform yesterday, but then it rained. The Yankees were supposed to win yesterday, but then Cliff Lee pitched nine almost-shut-out innings. Did you know that he took TWO different trains to the game yesterday? Now that we're tied at one game apiece, it's okay for me to say this: I sort of love Cliff Lee. HE TOOK THE SUBWAY TO THE WORLD SERIES. And no one recognized him. Amazing.

Anyway, the thing about baseball is that yesterday is just yesterday and today can always be your day.

Here are some funny screen-shots of DJ and Mo watching "Empire State of Mind:"

Jeter's game face; Mariano Rivera awakened to the joys of non-Christan rap

And here's a photo of the Yankees celebrating their win:

Johnny Damon can't figure out why he's not high-fiving A-Rod. Well, Johnny, it's because A-Rod hasn't gotten a hit yet this series. I've come mostly around on A-Rod this month, but it's undeniable that that man has mental problems. Teixeira, on the other hand....

Hey there buddy, you hit a home run! Everything's going to be juuuussst fiiiine. Here's the box score:

World Series Game 2: The Empire Strike Back
Yankees 3, Phillies 1
Series tied 1-1
W:Burnett (1-0)
L: Martinez (0-1)
S: Rivera (1)

HR: NYY Teixeira (1), Matsui (1)

Jeter made a bad bunt late in the game, but he also turned this AWESOME double play:

AND he won the Roberto Clemente award for being the most outstanding human being in baseball. Just another day in the life of Derek Jeter.

I have enough joy in my heart to show the Phillies a bit more love on this blog. Here's Pedro Martinez as he exits in the seventh inning.

I've seen plenty of photos of guys giving it up for God after home runs and well-earned base hits, but it's unusually awesome to see a losing starting pitcher doing it after getting pulled from his game. Did you watch his press conference yesterday? New York, Jay-Z and Jeter be damned, Pedro Martinez just doesn't care what you think.

Actually, We Won

For a few days, now, I've been thinking about how to best articulate the absolutely wonderful wrongness of my predictions from last Tuesday. Instead of encouraging you to follow me further up the fantastical mountain of Yankee-mythologizing or indulging my dark certainty that the near future will be nothing more than a heartbreaking regurgitation of the cruel past, I'll just give you some facts that made me happy this weekend.

1. The Yankees finally beat Roy Halladay.
2. They then blanked Boston for 31-scoreless innings and swept the four game series.
3. This put them 6.5 games up in the AL East...
4. ...And ahead of the Dodgers to claim the best record in baseball.

Good work, team! Here's some notable photos:

Derek Jeter congratulates Johnny Damon

A-Rod hits a walk-off homer against Boston

Hahaha. These photos never get old. D-Ped showing his inner rodent.

Curtain Call for King C.C.

As I write, the Yankees are losing in early innings against the Blue Jays and Kevin Youkilis has been ejected from the Tigers game after charging this guy on the mound.

Seriously? Rick Porcello is barely 14-years old. Youkilis, you are a monster. It sounds like bad things are happening to the Tigers over at Fenway, so I'll close with another handsome face from their starting rotation...right-handed pitcher Justin Verlander, shown here getting pied after throwing the first-ever no-hitter at Detroit's Comerica Park on June 12, 2007.

This one's for you, Kei! I can't wait for the wrap-up of YOUR weekend!

Chimps and Chumps

This Sunday, the New York Times ran an article reminding us that, while chimpanzees are NOT humans, they might as well be. Of Travis the Chimp's (R.I.P.) bougie Connecticut lifestyle, we learn that:

"[He] enjoyed a nice steak dinner, washed down with a glass of wine. He knew how to log on to a computer and to channel-surf with a television remote control. He followed baseball, if you can believe Mrs. Herold, and briefly rooted for the Mets while Bobby Valentine, a Stamford native, was manager, and then switched to the Yankees. He liked to watch “anything with action,” Mrs. Herold said."

He liked the Yankees and HE KNEW HOW TO USE THE INTERNET! As follows, perhaps it was Sam's insulting post on fellow ape-man Johnny Damon that inspired poor Travis's brutal rampage. Here's an artist's rendition of the Johnny and Travis hanging out in more peaceful times (also from the Times; notice how Travis affectionately ribs his friend by wearing a Mets hat as a joke):

Oh Johnny, we've been unkind in the past, but truly we mourn your loss. You and your evolutionary family are in our thoughts and prayers. It's been a rough month for you, hasn't it?

The Missing Link

When I think about Johnny 'Neanderthal' Damon's old facial hair I'm not filled with longing like I am when I see Casey Blake's sharp-as-a-razor-blade growth. Instead, I try to imagine how this half-ape, half-man managed to live as a long as he did without the world uncovering his true, beast-like form.


Now I know, you may think that I am being a little hard on the guy... besides Derek Jeter, Damon is probably the most attractive baseball player a lot of non-baseball fans can think of. I've witnessed this phenomenon myself! But the truth is, when Damon let that mange on his head and face revert to its natural state, his image was seared into our brains. Believe me, no amount of shaving or pinstripe wearing is going to obscure that image!

The truth is Damon kind of blew it. He probably could have stayed in Boston as an overrated lead-off hitter and the adoring (read: awful) fans of the Red Sox would have just playfully teased him about Geico or something. Instead, Damon made the jump down to New York where Steinbrenner (read: awful) apparently has some sort of fatwa against facial hair. Now when I see clean-cut Damon it's like Michael J. Fox in Teenwolf, a confused yet vulnerable beast waiting for the moment when he can sneak a couple moments alone to force all that body hair out!


I mean look at those features! Who does he think he's fooling? And are those frosted tips! I don't care how hot the internet says his wife is, Johnny Damon is not attractive.