A Scientific Exploration of the Cole Hamels Contract, My Brain, and Representational Lawn Gnome Art. I'm Kidding. Just Another Post about Cole Hamels.

I wasn't expecting Cole Hamels to stay with the Phillies, but life is nothing if not full of surprises.  I haven't decided if this is a good surprise or a bad surprise.  On the one hand, I was eagerly anticipating the thrill of buying Cole Hamels Dodgers t-shirts on eBay.  On the other hand, I was dreading having to weigh my love of Cole Hamels, the person, against my hatred of the Texas Rangers, the ball club and symbol of everything that I irrationally fear and loathe in life. (Why do I hate Texas? I don't know.  It's an idea that formed in a deep animal recess of my brain where terror reigns and no logic flows. I like Michael Young and I like Adrian Beltre.  In fact, I like Adrian Beltre so much that I woke up last night yelling "WHO HIT ADRIAN BELTRE" and stayed awake long enough to google "Adrian Beltre concussion."  What part of my brain prompted those actions?  Again, I don't know.  Life is nothing if not full of mysteries about our unquiet, unknowable, ever-working brains.)

And, on the third hand that doesn't exist (i.e. the hand that represents things that we can imagine with no basis in reality), I REALLY wanted Cole Hamels to end up with the Yankees.

Anyway, this not-as-exciting-not-as-awful-as-it-could-have-been news about Cole Hamels provided me with a nice opportunity to revisit the internet's vast holdings of Cole Hamels images.  These are not my favorite Cole Hamels images, but they do touch upon three things that have not previously been said about Cole Hamels on this blog:  1) he chews gum; 2) he would probably be good at Bikram yoga; and 3) someone made a Cole Hamels lawn gnome that looks nothing like Cole Hamels (this lawn gnome would probably also be good at yoga if it were alive or if yoga were just one eternal, unbroken lotus pose).

(Okay, probably I hate Texas because of what they did to the Yankees in the playoffs two years ago.)
(A greater mystery than that, perhaps, is why do I love Cole Hamels? One answer is that I decided many years ago that he and I shared a specific brand of existential angst.  Another answers is that I took a gamble on him Fantasy-wise that same year and it has mostly paid off.  Another answer is, I don't know.  Another answer is, I don't care to know.  Another answer is that life is nothing if not full of me talking and thinking excessively about Cole Hamels for reasons that no one knows or cares to uncover.)
(And the greatest mystery of this post, honestly, is who were they looking at when they made that Cole Hamels gnome because it doesn't even look like they tried.)

Enough for now.  Congratulations on your gigantically expensive contract, Cole.

Extreme Feelings

The Phillies came to some sort of agreement with former Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon tonight, instantly making themselves the team that encapsulates the widest range of my baseball feelings. A photo essay follows.

The above photo is the #2 Google image result for "Cole Hamels ugly."
The first result had a watermark and therefore does not fit into the aesthetic landscape of this blog.

I'm not sure I believe that that's really Jonathan Papelbon. I mean, why would it and how could it be? Why and how? But, also, why not?

2010 Fantasy Baseball Preview

Remember last year when Sam and I evaluated every player in the Major Leagues and then ranked the teams by order of attractiveness? We couldn't have done it without MLB.com's Fantasy Baseball Preview. With the 2010 version now online, I'm ready to do it all again. Who will be this year's best looking team?

If you don't know that the answer is the New York Yankees, you KNOW NOTHING. Are we friends? Why are you reading my blog?! Scientifically sound Grady-metrics and other statistical evidence to follow.

I do want to say that seeing Ryan Braun as the league's #1 outfielder highly disgusts me. LOOK AT HIM:


BASEBALL PLAYERS, PLEASE STOP WEARING THOSE SHIRTS. I HATE IT. I HATE RYAN BRAUN. I LOVE BASEBALL! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

World Series Game 5

Scary. Scarier.

World Series Game 5: Chutley's Hair Goes Double Deep
Phillies 8, Yankees 6
Yankees lead series 3-2
W:Lee (2-0)
L: Burnett (1-1)
S: Madson (1)

HR:PHI Utlet 2 (5!!!), Ibanez (1)

Philadelphia must be the land of bizarre hairstyles:

1. Chase Utley (see above). Thanks very much to Kei (and Yahoo!) for telling me that Chutley uses L.A. Looks hair gel to achieve that immobile cascade of oily waves. Do I hate Chutley? Not yet. But ask me again on Thursday.

2. Phanatic and Phanatic Jr. (see below) I'm not sure if the new Phanatic is a son or a girlfriend or a daughter or a cousin or something un-familial to the old Phanatic, but unlike the adorable South Paw of the White Sox, these scraggly green Phillies mascots could use some serious grooming. Ugh. So creepy.


3. Chan Ho Park (see below). BEARDED ASIAN!

4. Jayson Werth (unpictured). Enough, enough, enough about Jayson Werth. My loathing for him has short-circuited my brain. I just can't take it anymore.

Anyway, if you've been wondering where George W. Bush has been since Obama took office, I finally have an answer for you:

HE'S IN JAPAN PITCHING FOR THE YOMIURI GIANTS! Sweet move, dude.

What the Eyes Reveal

Jonathan Papelbon is probably a sociopath.

Heavy Breathing Best Batting Friends Forever

Since A-Rod's return, Mark Teixiera has been swinging a bat as hot as hellfire. If I were a diligent stats-keeper or a smart Googler, I'd prove it with numbers. As it stands, you're just going to have to trust me. Here's the power-hitting duo hanging out on Memorial Day.


Jesus Christ, A-Rod. Could you be any more frightening? I bet his inner monologue is just one long hiss of "MUSSSSST WINNNNs." Teixiera, on the other hand, always seems to be thinking, "Huh?" Looking at him makes me feel kind of uncomfortable...as if I can sense somewhere deep in the recesses of my rarely consulted moral core that I shouldn't make fun of him as much as I know I want to (i.e. tons). I will, however, make fun of him a little bit because, come on, HE IS WEIRD! Here's two fairly recent photos of him getting ready to bat. Is he dancing? Playing air guitar? You tell me.



Earlier this year, I wrote a post about Manny Ramirez and Mark Teixeira and Phil commented that Teixeira looked like he "breathed through his mouth." You may be on to something, Phil, because, like that one gas station in Grinnell, Teixeira's mouth is Almost Always Open. "HUH?"

And finally, because I have no qualms whatsoever about hating on A-Rod, here's one more photo of him looking absolutely ridiculous as he rounds the bases in Texas.

SO, SO EVIL! A-ROD IS EVIL. GO YANKEES. KEEP WINNING. Fellow Yankee fans, someday we'll all be in Hell and A-Rod will be our cruel king.

I WANT TO GO TO THERE

Where, Alex, the future? October baseball? Yes, yes, don't we all.

Good, Bad and Ugly x 4 (But Not in that Order)

Last night's Yankees-Red Sox game was totally bizarre and ultimately disappointing. Boo! It did, however, provide ample photographic evidence that the Red Sox are THE UGLIEST TEAM IN BASEBALL:

Jason Bay is a weirdo.

Jonathan Papelbon is a stupid jerk.

Kevin Youkilis is an awesome baseball player
that looks really, really scary.

Dustin Pedroia...I can't even get into it.

On the other hand, the New York Times reports that even the Red Sox love Derek Jeter!

Feral Cat Crashes Mets Home Opener

On Monday, I got so distracted by Nick Swisher's pinch pitching that I forgot about that other New York baseball team's freak field occurrence! As you can see below, the Mets were cursed blessed surprised [something-ed] by the appearance of a mangy feral cat during their home opener at Citi Field. (Big props to Kei for reminding me of this.)

THAT CAT WANTS BLOOD! Apparently, the Mets have a long history of feline invasions, most notably when a black cat took the field during a 1969 game against the Chicago Cubs.

The Cubs' Ron Santo Cursed by Black Magic Mets Cat, 1969

That cat did well by the Mets. According to this website:

Ever since the early years of Shea, kittens and cats have been roaming around the field. Some will remember the Chicago Cubs-New York Mets game in 1969, when a black cat scurried across the visiting dugout. The Mets, of course, went on to win the NLDS and World Series that year.

Are the Mets using demon animals to cast evil enchantments on visiting teams?

Evidence against the above statement: they lost Monday's game.
Evidence in support of the above statement: they signed Gary Sheffield.

(Here's a funny, short New York Magazine article about GS. Worth reading if you have a moment.)

Of course, we all know that black magic mastery takes time and, in the interim, mistakes get made. NEW YORK METS, I AM WATCHING YOU AND IF YOU ATTEMPT TO CURSE DEREK JETER OR IN ANY OTHER WAY HARM THE NEW YORK YANKEES, I WILL BE FORCED TO WEILD MY FORMIDABLE SPELLCASTING POWERS AGAINST YOU.*

*Although my shabby internet skills have prevented me from finding the post on the now defunct Ponytail Junction blog, in which I revealed that I had become possessed by our backyard witch neighbor, it really happened and, as a result, I know magic. Just ask Rachel.

Schilling Sucks

I forgot how much I irrationally hate Curt Schilling until I saw that he announced that he was quitting baseball yesterday.

Curt Schilling, one of the finest and most clutch pitchers of his generation, announced his retirement Monday morning with his laptop. [emphasis added]

I'm sure part of my hatred is Schilling's outspoken political beliefs, but the truth is it goes much deeper than that. I hate his face, his bloody sock, and even reading about his retirement fills me with anxiety. I don't give a shit whether or not Curt Schilling is hall of fame material, but I kind of hope he isn't. So good riddance Curt Schilling, here's a couple ugly pictures of your face.

It Never Ends

Is it just me or does A-Rod look more like a heroin addict than a steroid abuser, here?

Read the article, if you must.

Jonathan Papelbon is Angry

Via


What a d'bag.

A Half-Hearted Crtique of the Attractiveness Ratings

Jenni has done us all a huge service by systematically ranking the attractiveness of each player in the American League, and then ranking each team on their overall looks. This is an important part of baseball that the Bill James types have ignored for too long. But I was a little skeptical when I saw that, after 'three weeks of studious evaluations' Jenni had ranked her beloved Yankees first while my Boston Red Sox were ranked last. How convenient. But how could a team that chose this guy (I'm not going to comment on what his wife is wearing in case Jorge reads this blog) as its captain be ranked so far ahead of a team with this angel patrolling center field? So, in typical Masshole fashion, I called Jenni out on her 'bogus' ranking system. She then raised the ante by inviting me to take my disagreements public with a guest post on her blog. So here we are.

Because I am a researcher by trade and because I didn't want to add to the tedious Yankees suck-Red Sox suck back and forth, I decided to try to do a more scientific assessment of the issue. Baseball is all about statistics and facial attractiveness can be measured as a statistic based on symmetry and proportion. So, I thought I'd find a program where you can upload pictures, run them through a model that rates their attractiveness, and settle this dispute once and for all. Easier said then done. After much Googling, this site was the closest thing I could find. Undeterred by the fact that everything was written in Korean, I downloaded the software and uploaded a picture of Josh Beckett. I thought the software would spit out some kind of attractiveness score, then I'd upload another picture, etc. Instead I had to connect 30 dots to specific points on Josh Beckett's face, with such instructions as 'Connect to highest point of lateral eyebrow, left'. I did this for all 30 points and still nothing. It never let me move on to the results. So then I got frustrated, swore at the computer, and gave up.

The next day I decided to try one more time. After some more googling, I found Digital Physiognomy another facial reading program. I downloaded the free software and updated a picture of Jason Varitek. This site was easier to use than the Korean site, but less scientific and more new age and weird. So, for Jason Varitek I didn't get a score for his attractiveness I did get their 'interpretation' of his face. Apparently V-Tek's life is pretty grim. Here's the reading:

Steep Introvert. Flacidity/depression. An unbalance and instability of nervous system. Impracticality to family life and women.

After uploading a picture of Josh Beckett and getting the same reading, I decided that either this site was bunk or I was using it wrong, probably both. So this is a long way to go with no punchline. Jenni's rankings have to stand for now until someone, preferably someone that can read Korean, has the time and patience to do a more rigorous analysis. So Yankees fans, when you are watching A-Rod hit a weak pop-up in yet another clutch situation, or CC burst the seams in another pair of pants, take comfort in the fact that you've got the prettiest team in the American League.

A-Rod, D-bag: The Saga Continues

Earlier today, commentators on MLB.com wondered whether or not A-Rod would cry during his 1:40pm press conference. I really wish he had. Does this face say "I'm sorry?"


What about this one?


This face obviously just says, "I'm a dumb douchebag." Nothing new there.


Here's the old-school Yankee guard (seated) showing solidarity. What is Andy Pettite wearing?! And that owl t-shirt! Wow.


All in all, a largely unsatisfactory event. Photos swiped from Newsday.

Oh-My-God-A-Rod

I hate him. I just hate him. Why does his face look so pink? Why does he sound like a woman?

If the Yankees don't win the World Series this year, they should throw A-Rod into a volcano as a sacrifice to the Fiery Gods of Sport. He is evil. He looks evil. He makes me crazy.

"I MUST HAVE THAT [CHAMPIONSHIP] RING OF POWER!!!"

If it's true that A-Rod is being directed by Madonna's manager now, and not that toad-faced goon Scott Boras, why wasn't he wearing an appropriate amount of facial toner last night? I also did not like his sweater. UGH (until he brings us that ring) THERE IS JUST NOTHING GOOD ABOUT A-ROD.

I can't calm down enough to write a cogent recap of yesterday's activity, but there was some talk of fat people and also a funny hot dog story.

Haters Must Hate

Sam, I had intended to make this blog a place of peace, love and handsomeness but your post is forcing me to reveal my true nature (i.e. that of a hardcore hater). And so, may I present MY least favorite baseball player, Dustin Pedroia of the Boston Red Sox.




What a little rodent! And while I agree that Jeter's no looker, I want to re-emphasize the stately condition of his soul. He's got a HALO in that picture I posted below! And a glass trophy shaped like a star! The good is beautiful and the beautiful is good. I got an "A" in Aesthetics 101, friend.