The Long Halladay Weekend

Rebounding from last week's uncharacteristically short and mediocre start against the Boston Red Sox, Phillie ace Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game tonight against the Florida Marlins. It was the second perfect game of the year*, the second ever for the Phillie franchise, and the 20th in MLB history. As Kei aptly tweeted, "I'm sorry that Halladay pitched a perfect game in Florida but I'm sure all 40 people were excited to witness history." Haha. When your fan promotions are "Mermaid Swimsuit Calendars" and not Snoopy dolls or Andre Ethier action figures**, maybe it's time to take a serious look at the state of your organization's soul.

In related news, Roy Halladay also smiled for the first time in 33 years. Here's proof:

Jayson Werth's hair is unbelievable. Is it weird that I miss the exhilarating
hatred I felt towards him last year when he was my Fantasy nemesis?

I watched the game at home on MLB.tv while eating crackers and salad dressing. To keep my heart rate down, I read Tolstoy in between innings. Here are some serviceable screengrabs from the ninth:

Top: The Phillies' one run was UNEARNED.
Have you losers heard of RUN SUPPORT?
Middle: The smiling begins. Would the Marlins have more fans
if they improved their scoreboard graphics?
Bottom: Oh hey, it's Cole Hamels! I saw him on Thursday at Citi Field.
(No stars fell out of the sky. The universe remains mostly unchanged.)

If you'd like to read a recap of the game, MLB.com has this one and Tyler Kepner of the New York Times has this one. I can't wait for the Letterman Top Ten list. While I doubt that Doc will top Burls in the "adorableness" category, hearing him try (or not try) to appear interested in trying to be funny will be...STRANGE.

Today also marked Derek Jeter's 15 year anniversary of major league play. In his first game, he went 0-5 against the Mariners and then ate hamburgers at a Seattle McDonald's with his father. I thought about eating a McDonald's hamburger for dinner in his honor, but instead, like I said, I wound up eating crackers and salad dressing while watching Roy Halladay pitch a perfect game.

CONGRATULATIONS DOC! CONGRATULATIONS DEREK JETER! You're the only two players I've started in 100% of my fantasy baseball games and I love you both.

*I didn't blog about Dallas Braden's perfect game because I don't really care about him and he has an unattractive fantasy baseball mugshot. His Letterman Top Ten is suspiciously similar to Buehrle's. Come on. I could write better jokes than that.
**The Dodgers also have a series of decade themed poster promotions, including the Torre 60's, the Casey Blake 70's, the Matt Kemp 80's and the Andre Ethier 90's. In case you're wondering (like I did), Joe Torre was born in 1940, Casey Blake was born in 1973, Matt Kemp was born in 1984 and Andre Ethier was born in 1982.

Remembrance of Things Past

Last year, during our blog's rookie season, Sam and I co-hosted a trip to a Staten Island Yankees game. We made t-shirts and ate a lot of hamburgers.


This year, we're upgrading to the big leagues (if it doesn't rain). I'm sorry that we didn't have time to invite you. After future podcast producer and longtime reader Phil wouldn't pick up his phone, we got discouraged and bought the e-tickets alone. White Sox-Yankees! Buehrle v. Hughes! This game was made for us!

I spent approximately 10 minutes this morning trying to rationally dissect my love for Burls and Hughes and decided that I like them for the same reason: they both look like they spend a lot of time thinking about dogs and Proust. Me too! Dogs and Proust and baseball. Why do dogs exist? Why do people read Proust? WHEN CAN I WATCH MORE BASEBALL? This blog post has put me behind schedule. Sam, wait for me at Union Square! Forever 21, second floor?

Loveable Loser

Mark Buerhle, along with stupid Chad Billingsley, you blew up my ERA in both of my Fantasy leagues this week. Because you are so adorable, though, I forgive you.


I'm going to use this face the next time I break the photocopier at work. Better yet, I'll get this photo printed on business cards to hand out or mail after committing social blunders. I'll also make a set for Phil so that he can formally apologize for all of the terrible things he did and said at dinner last Monday.

Opening Day Memories

I thought about baseball so much this weekend that my brain caught on fire and I had to stay home from work with a fever today. Never fear...I went to my doctor and she gave me a bottle of BLACK CAPSULE PILLS to take twice daily, so it's likely that no permanent damage will occur. The upside of spending all of yesterday in a sickly haze is that I watched large segments of five different opening day games, as well as the Duke v. Butler game and Sunday night's Yankees-Red Sox beat down. Here are some highlights (in roughly chronological order):

1. BASEBALL STARTS....


2. ...hi Derek Jeter!!!!!!!


I was unhappy that the Yankees lost to the Red Sox on Sunday night. Red Sox fan Reid texted me on Monday morning to ask, "Are the Yankees going to win any games this year? Sure doesn't look like it now." To which I could only respond, "Yeah, probably only 103 like last year, starting some time in late May." It's important to remember that every team in the Major Leagues lost at least 59 games last year...that's a lot of losing!!!

3. Obama in the booth at the Phillies-Nationals game:

Obama threw his pitch high and outside, then he got in the booth and made fun of the Chicago Cubs. You can watch the video on MLB.tv, or you can just read the funniest part, which I transcribed below.

"The nice thing about the Sox is that it's a real blue collar baseball team. We always tease about the Cubs that they're up at Wrigley, sipping wine, playing day games...they're having a good time."

At first, I thought that it was rude of Obama to wear a White Sox hat while pitching for the Nationals, especially since the Nats are awful and need as much fan love as possible. But then I was reminded that the most important thing in baseball-- even beyond not making losers feel bad about being losers-- is being true to your team. This is why I will wear a Yankees hat when I'm inevitably asked to throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the I-Cubs.

4. Roy Halladay Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 12 strikeouts, 1.29 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and he got a single!

5. Mark Buehrle Lights Out

7 innings pitched, 3 strikeouts, 0.00 ERA, 0.57 WHIP...AND HE MADE THE DEFENSIVE PLAY OF THE CENTURY!! You might not be able to imagine it from the above photo, but Mark Buehrle is a total babe. These posts from the archive prove it.

6. Hi Johnny Damon!

I like him so much more now that he's on the Tigers. I don't know why.

7. Did Kung Fu Panda gain or lose weight?

San Fransisco fan MBW said that the panda looked larger than last year. But the New York Times claims that he's lost weight. You can read more about his diet, OPERATION PANDA, here. Mom's special lasagna...hahahahaha.

8. HI GRIFFEY!!!!

What's up, friend? Nice double. Don't get injured! We love you.

Gold Gloves (Subtitled: I Am Already Sick of People Complaining About Post-Season Awards)

Listen, Derek Jeter deserves to win this year's MVP award and nothing anyone can say-- including "Derek Jeter didn't win this year's MVP award"-- will ever make me think otherwise. Some people may call this willful ignorance or delusional idiocy. I call it incorruptible love for the most better-than-average baseball player, most inspirational life captain and all-around most important protector of universal sports happiness ever to exist in 2009, which is hands down the best kind of love I know. So, even though the cover story of today's ESPN.com MLB homepage questions most of this year's Gold Glove recipients, I'm going to reject well-researched analysis, logical argument, and unbiased judgment and just congratulate everyone! Don't you dare ask me how this kind of emotional non-thinking meshes with my post-Marx-y book choices and subsequent political views! Because today is a day to say "well done, athletes! We love you unconditionally in an uncomfortably religious-seeming way."

Player, Position, Team:

Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees

Did you know that this blog produces three of the first ten images that appear if you Google the words "Mark Teixeira weird face?" Well, it's true! And the picture of Sam and I on our masthead is number one! Sam, aren't you proud to be the demi-symbol of Mark Teixeira's facial weirdness?

Placido Polanco, 2B, Detroit Tigers

I don't know who this is. Could Placido Polanco be the only non-blogged 2009 Gold Glove winner? I want to say yes, but it's possible that Kei covered him in one of her pro-Tiger raves.

Evan Longoria, 3B, Tampa Bay Rays

I can't wait until A-Rod's ever-inflating ego makes his head explode because then the Yankees will sign Evan Longoria.

Joe Mauer, C, Minnesota Twins

Not done acting like I hate Joe Mauer. No comment.

Torii Hunter, OF, Los Angeles Angels

This photo comes from a blog written by women that love baseball. Their blog appears to be much more informative and fact-centric than this blog.

Ichiro Suzuki, OF, Seattle Mariners

In my imagination, this is a photo of Ichiro trying to tell the moose a joke and the moose saying, "You need to take lessons in making sense," because that's how I feel 90% of the time and I like to think that Ichiro and I, despite our many obvious differences, have one important thing in common. That thing being, of course, that we both seek affirmation from talking animals only to suffer constant humiliation and rejection.

Adam Jones, OF, Baltimore Orioles

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I will give props to Sam for calling this one out, pre-season.

Mark Buehrle, P, Chicago White Sox

He is beyond adorable. What time is it, Mark? Perfect game time? Miller Lite o'clock? 1:40 in the afternoon?

Derek Jeter, SS, New York Yankees

I could go on and on and on about how great Derek Jeter is, but I'll be polite for once and write it in my diary instead. [cartoon heart][flower][cartoon heart][cat wearing a yankee hat]

Post-scripts:

1. Last year, Grady Sizemore won a Gold Glove.


2. Want to see another weird picture of Mark Teixeira? Of course you do!

burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrls PART 2

I realize that Jenni beat me to the punch on this, but I wanted to chime in because:

1. although I haven't been following the Sox that much this year, they are purportedly my favorite team;
2. Mark Buehrle is a fun pitcher to watch because he pitches very quickly; and
3. I happened to be in Chicago this week where Mark Buerhle is being treated like deity by even Cubs fans.

In light of his pretty spectacular performance I am a little hesitant to criticize Burrrls on his looks. However, I would like to point out that although many team have started to do that shaving cream in the face after games, the White Sox have been doing it forever and for whatever it's worth Buerhle seems to have a great sense of humor. Or at least Toby Hall does.

congrats to Buerhle - although to be honest I'm not sure why he would feel it's necessary to buy stuff for everyone on the team. Via AP:

In addition to responding to the dozens of well-wishers, Buehrle also was trying to figure out what to buy his teammates and coaches as a reward.

He got watches for everybody after the no-hitter against the Rangers.

This time around, he's considering cuff links and tie clips. He's also thinking of having a painting made from a still photo of Wise's spectacular grab.

Don't these guys make millions of dollars themselves? The painting idea is pretty sweet though - Maybe he can get this guy to do it.

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrls

Mark Buerhle pitched a perfect game today. Can you imagine what it's like to be A.J., who did not catch Buerhle today? What's it like to be Josh Fields, losing third base to Gordon Beckham everyday, but taking over Captain Paulie for today, and then hitting that grand slam and later holding the ball that Alexei threw to get the third out in the 9th? What if BRIAN ANDERSON was in center field in lieu of Dewayne Wise? Did Ken "Hawk" Harrelson explode while announcing the game? WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE SOUTHPAW (see middle right edge of photo; I realize Mordecai beat me to in his rarely-used Twitter, but only by a minute)?