A Scientific Exploration of the Cole Hamels Contract, My Brain, and Representational Lawn Gnome Art. I'm Kidding. Just Another Post about Cole Hamels.

I wasn't expecting Cole Hamels to stay with the Phillies, but life is nothing if not full of surprises.  I haven't decided if this is a good surprise or a bad surprise.  On the one hand, I was eagerly anticipating the thrill of buying Cole Hamels Dodgers t-shirts on eBay.  On the other hand, I was dreading having to weigh my love of Cole Hamels, the person, against my hatred of the Texas Rangers, the ball club and symbol of everything that I irrationally fear and loathe in life. (Why do I hate Texas? I don't know.  It's an idea that formed in a deep animal recess of my brain where terror reigns and no logic flows. I like Michael Young and I like Adrian Beltre.  In fact, I like Adrian Beltre so much that I woke up last night yelling "WHO HIT ADRIAN BELTRE" and stayed awake long enough to google "Adrian Beltre concussion."  What part of my brain prompted those actions?  Again, I don't know.  Life is nothing if not full of mysteries about our unquiet, unknowable, ever-working brains.)

And, on the third hand that doesn't exist (i.e. the hand that represents things that we can imagine with no basis in reality), I REALLY wanted Cole Hamels to end up with the Yankees.

Anyway, this not-as-exciting-not-as-awful-as-it-could-have-been news about Cole Hamels provided me with a nice opportunity to revisit the internet's vast holdings of Cole Hamels images.  These are not my favorite Cole Hamels images, but they do touch upon three things that have not previously been said about Cole Hamels on this blog:  1) he chews gum; 2) he would probably be good at Bikram yoga; and 3) someone made a Cole Hamels lawn gnome that looks nothing like Cole Hamels (this lawn gnome would probably also be good at yoga if it were alive or if yoga were just one eternal, unbroken lotus pose).

(Okay, probably I hate Texas because of what they did to the Yankees in the playoffs two years ago.)
(A greater mystery than that, perhaps, is why do I love Cole Hamels? One answer is that I decided many years ago that he and I shared a specific brand of existential angst.  Another answers is that I took a gamble on him Fantasy-wise that same year and it has mostly paid off.  Another answer is, I don't know.  Another answer is, I don't care to know.  Another answer is that life is nothing if not full of me talking and thinking excessively about Cole Hamels for reasons that no one knows or cares to uncover.)
(And the greatest mystery of this post, honestly, is who were they looking at when they made that Cole Hamels gnome because it doesn't even look like they tried.)

Enough for now.  Congratulations on your gigantically expensive contract, Cole.

Cold as Ice Redux

I can't afford to hold grudges against teams who beat teams that aren't the Yankees, which is why I still hate Texas but I don't hate the Cardinals.

Before Game 7 starts, let's look at more photos of David Freese:

Well-defined eye lashes make people look famous.

You may think this is a Target ad, but it's not!

To reinforce the notion of Freese as wholesome,
here's a photo of him handing out a turkey. On Thanksgiving? Unclear.

I googled "David Freese little league" because
what would be more wholesome than helping children?
This photo is so small that I can't tell if it's
really him, but I think it's okay to assume that it is.

It's okay to have a DUI when you're still a teenager, right?
I mean, it would be unwholesome to not go through
a phase of generic teenage rebellion, right?
This is still pretty cute, as far as mugshots go.

Man, I still kind of hate the Cardinals when I think about how we could be watching Cole Hamels pitch game 7 of the World Series tonight. It's also difficult to argue that bare-bones "I'm just watching this game because I like sports drama" fan should root for the team who's won the championship more times than any other club besides the Yankees over the team who's won no championships since their inception 50 years ago. (There are A LOT of "Texas Ranger" wikipedias, but this is the one that's relevant to baseball.)

As I implied in the opening paragraph, I'm not that kind of fan, so those rules don't apply to me. It's not spiritually healthy just to root against one team based on irrational grudges, though, so I'll be transforming those negative feelings into something positive by rooting for the Cardinals tonight.

World Series Game 6: DAVID FREESE IS COLD AS ICE.

In their must-win home game, the Cardinals trailed the Rangers by two runs in the bottom of the ninth inning. Down to his last strike with two men on base, David Freese, the hometown boy who had let a routine fly ball fall out of his mitt earlier in the game, hit a triple to tie the game.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE:
Top: Happy Tony LaRussa vs.
Bottom: Bummed Ron Washington

Texas promptly reclaimed the lead in the 10th inning with Josh Hamilton's first home run of the post-season, but Berkman-- down to his last strike-- tied the game again during the bottom of the inning. His beard is different colors! He's only 35.

Albert Pujols usually points up at God when something good happens,
but Lance Berkman probably deserved it this time.

Texas didn't score in the 11th inning. At this point, despite believing all game that I was watching the end of the 2011 baseball season, I had a feeling that St. Louis would pull this one off. They mercifully decided not to give C.J. Wilson a chance to enter the game and continue his season of monumental losses, and instead, David Freese hit a walk-off home run off of scrub pitcher Mark Lowe.

He was promptly mauled at home plate, where his jersey was ripped to shreds. It was a truly shocking celebration.

Savagery aside, is there anything that would feel better than hitting a walk-off home run in extra innings of Game 6 of the World Series in your hometown? Congratulations, David Freese. YOU'RE A STAR. Also, Marti said you were cute.

On that note, here are some festive photos of St. Albert making the world a better place:

Everyone celebrate! We've got a Game 7!

ALDS Game 4; NLDS Game 3

ALDS Game 4: Texas 4, Tampa Bay 3
Texas wins the series 3-1
W: Matt Harrison (1-0), L: Jeremy Hellickson (0-1)
S: Feliz (3)
HR: TEX - Adrian Beltre 3 (3), Ian Kinsler (1)

What is that thing and can you blame Yorvit Torrealba for throwing sunflower seeds at it? In case anyone was wondering what Evan Longoria's hair looked like on the last day of the Rays' season, here's a photo:

The color schemes of this year's divisional series opponents have been disorientating in their similarity. The Rangers and Rays wore blue today. The Yankees and Tigers wore gray and white uniforms with navy and black hats. The Phillies and Cardinals wore red. Does it lessen home field advantage when all of the fans are wearing the same color? What about if you're Tampa Bay and you have no home fans, anyway?

ALDS Game 4: Yankees 10, Detroit 1
Series tied at 2
W: A.J. Burnett (1-0), L: Rick Porcello (0-1)
HR: DET - V. Mart (1)

A.J. Burnett kept things scary through five and 2/3 innings, but "pitched beyond any Yankee's fantasy," as John Sterling said.

Curtis Granderson, back on his former home field, made two amazing diving catches. Victor Martinez hit the only home run of the game, off Burnett in the 4th inning. You could feel everyone on the Yankees payroll thinking, "Well, here we go AGAIN," but no meltdown materialized. A.J. Burnett, you're still super ugly, but thank you. You did great.

Question of the week: is V-Mart actually attractive or is it just his swoony batting average?

NLDS Game 3: Phillies 3, St. Louis 2
Philadelphia leads 2-1
W: Cole Hamels (1-0), L: Jaime Garcia (0-1)
S: Madson (1)
HR: PHI - Ben Fransisco (1)

See what I mean? Nothing but red. Cole Hamels pitched six scoreless innings and then took some glamour shots in the dugout.

Not quite as glam as....

Arizona currently leads Milwaukee 8-1 in the 8th inning.

Other Games, Other Teams

The Rays just lost their third game to the Rangers, making this post outdated. Still, for the sake of historical accuracy, I feel compelled to put it into the world so that I can devote my next post entirely to photos of Cole Hamels. Because they could be the LAST photos of Cole Hamels from this year. (Probably not.)

The Rangers beat the Rays 3-1. Pitches, hits, strikeouts, home runs, etc. I am not going to say anything more about this because I'm scared of karmic retribution. May every other team facing elimination tonight remain uneliminated.

The Brewers are up 2-0 on the Diamondbacks. As I've said, there are very few attractive players on the D'bags and they exist entirely on this blog's blind side. Win a game, okay? Everyone facing elimination remain uneliminated.

The Phillies are playing now, scoreless against the Cardinals in the third inning. Cole Hamels just bunted. The series is tied at 1 game apiece. Cole, I think you can win.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be cheering for Phillies' players anymore. I promise I will give you real baseball information starting tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a collage that the New York Times made about the postseason.

See? Even they put the D'back backwards.

Some Other Teams Made the Playoffs

The Brewers, Rangers and Diamondbacks all won their divisions this weekend.




Will the less likeable Upton also join?

KKKKKKKKKKKKKK's for C.C. and Other Fantasy News

I went to the Mariners-Yankees game last night and watched C.C. Sabathia strike out 14 batters. I also watched the grounds crew roll out their giant silver rain tarp twice.

C.C. was perfect through six. Then, Brendan Ryan singled in the seventh inning. You can see the bizarre mustache he's wearing in his scoreboard mugshot from across the stadium.

I was pretty sure it was a computer generated practical joke until I saw this photograph this morning:

So, the mustache is real hair. That doesn't mean it's not a joke. When I heard Ryan announced in the seventh inning, I yelled "Who is that? He's not even famous!" Did I jinx C.C.'s perfect game? We learned about this during our Greek Tragedy unit in high school. The Yankees still won, so I guess the universe wasn't that offended by my comment.

In other happy news, Doug Fister didn't get shelled. Three runs and five strikeouts in seven innings. He's also not bad looking. All three of these sentences are relevant to my Dynasty Keeper Fantasy Team, which has been clinging to an ever shrinking first place lead for a few weeks now (in points, not attractiveness).

Given the tenuousness of my position, I agreed to a major trade this weekend, sending Elvis Andrus to another Chelsea-based Fantasy Baseball team. I never really wanted Andrus, but got stuck with him when I overestimated his value during our draft. In fact, aside from B.J. Upton and Jonathan Papelbon, I can't think of many players that I like less. Good riddance, Elvis Andrus.

Luckily, I have this guy Derek Jeter at SS. He'll be worth the
$30+ I spent on him for the next ten years, right?

Here's who I got in return:

Aaron Hill from the Blue Jays

Houston Street from the Rockies

Heath Bell from the Padres (for now)

Heath Bell famously lost 25-pounds by playing Wii Fit in the off season. You can read more about that here and here.

People love using the internet to read about other people's hair.

Eric Hosmer has only been in the big leagues for 74 days, but he's already gone deep into the world of professional sports hairstyles. He reminds me of Ian Kinsler, who made my Top Ten back in 2009. I'm not sure if either Hosmer or Kinsler would make the list now (I'll make one soon, I promise), but I do really like how they both always seem to be in the middle of thinking up mean nicknames for their teammates.


Cole Hamels is back to getting flattened by the Mets and having facial stubble. I wonder if he gets too tired to shave or if he just likes trying new looks.

I don't have any other hair information, so here are two funny photos I found in the Yahoo! MLB Photo Gallery:

Top: Adam Jones, Nice Dive
Bottom: I love seeing things like this.

If these photos aren't satisfying to you, please continue to read about baseball mustaches, here.