Some Other Teams Made the Playoffs

The Brewers, Rangers and Diamondbacks all won their divisions this weekend.




Will the less likeable Upton also join?

People love using the internet to read about other people's hair.

Eric Hosmer has only been in the big leagues for 74 days, but he's already gone deep into the world of professional sports hairstyles. He reminds me of Ian Kinsler, who made my Top Ten back in 2009. I'm not sure if either Hosmer or Kinsler would make the list now (I'll make one soon, I promise), but I do really like how they both always seem to be in the middle of thinking up mean nicknames for their teammates.


Cole Hamels is back to getting flattened by the Mets and having facial stubble. I wonder if he gets too tired to shave or if he just likes trying new looks.

I don't have any other hair information, so here are two funny photos I found in the Yahoo! MLB Photo Gallery:

Top: Adam Jones, Nice Dive
Bottom: I love seeing things like this.

If these photos aren't satisfying to you, please continue to read about baseball mustaches, here.

Beggars Can't be Choosers, Winners Can't be Losers

There are only four to seven baseball games left in the year, so instead of sulking and wishing intense pain upon anyone wearing a Rangers hat on the subway, all Texas sports teams (except Coach Taylor's) and most non-baseball pro-athletes, it's probably healthier and more enjoyable to just give in and get excited about the World Series. Here are some players I know about:

THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

1. Closer Brian Wilson, evil-eyed trivia expert
2. Catcher Buster Posey, rookie heart throb
3. Pitcher Tim Lincecum, television commercial megastar
4. Cheerleader Barry Zito, cosmic donut
5. Panda Pablo Sandoval, panda panda

THE TEXAS RANGERS
1. Catcher Bengie Molina, will win a ring either way
2. Josh Hamilton, younger than I am surprisingly
3. Vladdy Guerrero, older than everyone you know unsurprisingly
4. Ian Kinsler. What I love about him is that he is always visibly whining.

The Rangers have the ugliest mascot in the Major Leagues. The Giants also have an unfamous mascot, but theirs is at least marginally cute. His name is Lou Seal and he wears sunglasses, sometimes backwards. And then there's this bad crab, which you can read about here.

Baseball! It starts tomorrow.

Championship Series: Pushed to the Limit

I've completely lost track of the number of nights I've spent at home, surrounded by Yankee Snoopy dolls, watching an illegal European feed of Championship Series games on ESPN America. I did know, however, that this afternoon's game was do-or-die for the powerless Yankees who were down 3-1 to the non-stop Rangers and that the ungroomed Phillies were poised to fall into that same elimination hole against the ungroomed Giants.

After suffering through two nights of bad Yankee losses, I wasn't sure what to expect this afternoon as C.C. Sabathia faced C.J. Wilson for the second time. Did the Yankees even want to win? Who would replace Mark Teixeira? Would A-Rod get murdered?

ALCS Game 5: Yankees 7, Rangers 2

Rangers lead series 3-2
W: Sabathia (1-0), L: Wilson (0-1)
HR: TEX Treanor (1),
NYY Cano (4)!, Swisher (1), Granderson (1)

Top top: The Conan blimp and the Big C
Top bottom: Grumpy Old Jorge v. Adult Baby Kinsler
Bottom top: Mariano Rivera
Bottom bottom: Subdued Victory Parade

Robbie Cano has finally become the handsome young batting champ we always knew he could be. He credits Derek Jeter and leaving New Jersey. I'm glad that the Yankees won this game because otherwise it would've been a long postseason of watching teams I don't really care about trying to win something that my team got last year. If all else fails, it's exactly this kind of disinterested entitlement that will carry the Yankees all the way back in this series. Dis-gusting. Go Yankees!

NLCS Game 4: Giants 6, Phillies 5

Giants lead series 3-1
W: Wilson (1-0), L: Oswalt (1-1)

Despite all of the interesting things that kept happening in this game, I fell asleep halfway through and woke up to find Roy Oswalt on the mound in the 9th inning of a tied game. WTF. Didn't he just pitch Game 2?

He lost tonight's game after bouncing two balls off of Juan Uribe, which the home plate umpire ignored. Then Uribe hit the pop fly that scored the winning run. PAYBACK. The Phillies, like the Yankees, are now one game away from elimination. If Roy Halladay weren't on this team, I wouldn't care at all. As it is, he'll attempt to save their season tomorrow night against the strikeout Boy-King Tim Lincecum and I hope he goes California-blackout-style lights out. YOU CAN DO IT, DOC!

Top: Ugh Jayson Werth
Middle: Andres Torres caught stealing
Bottom: Ruiz takes out Buster Posey...
or rather, Buster Posey tags out Ruiz

I am happy to report that Big Fat Giant Panda Pablo Sandoval hit a panda-sized 2-run double tonight. Woolsey claims via Facebook that he is "slimmer in real life." Please. Even if this is true, that's like saying that the moon is smaller than you thought it would be. It's still the moon and Pablo Sandoval is fat. These things I declare eternal truths.

Is it just me or does Juan Uribe look like the slim panda of Woolsey's imagination? Also, why do all of the San Fransisco pitchers have intense black beards?

Just kidding, we know the answer to that last question.

Phillies Game 5 will be tomorrow on FOX, if you still get that channel.
Yankees Game 6 will be Friday night on TBS, which nobody gets. Honestly. Television needs to figure some shit out because this is Important.

Championship Series Weekend

Mark Teixeira, the Strangest Professional Athlete? The Strangest Man?

The American League Championship series began on Friday night in Texas, with Yankees ace C.C. Sabathia starting against the Rangers' C.J. Wilson, who was promoted from their bullpen at the beginning of this year. I was at the Real Estate show and had to follow the game by constantly texting Google for score updates, but felt confident that the Yankees, having swept Minnesota in the ALDS, would easily beat the Rangers, who struggled to stop the slumping Rays in five. After seeing the score go from 3-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers, I gave up on the game until the top of the eighth inning, when I was able to stand on a sidewalk behind the Real Esate van and watch the game through the window of a neighboring sports bar. There, amidst a sea of Manhattan girls puking and crying and falling over in their tall heels and shiny dresses, I stood in disbelief as the Yankees put up six runs in one inning and CAME ALL THE WAY BACK TO WIN THE GAME.

ALCS Game 1: Yankees 6, Rangers 5

Yankees lead series 1-0
W: Dustin Moseley (1-0), L: O'Day (0-1)
S: Mariano Rivera (1)
HR: NYY Cano (1), TEX Hamilton (1)

Top: A Frustrated CC
Bottom: MVP! MVP! MVP!

But then this happened....

ALCS Game 2: Rangers 7, Yankees 2

Series tied at 1
W: Colby Lewis (1-0), L: Phil Huhges (0-1)
HR: NYY Cano (2), TEX David Murphy (1)

This time, I was at work and had to watch the game on mute using TBS's ridiculous Hot Corner application, which consists of live feeds from six or seven different cameras planted around the stadium. While this provides great close up shots of Derek Jeter's ear and young children picking their noses in the stands, it gives absolutely no indication of what happens to a ball once it's put in play. Does someone catch it? Does it go over the wall? Does it collide with a bird mid-air or drop for a base hit or fall into the bullpen and get eaten by big fat Joba Chamberlain? TBS Hot Corner can't tell you.

Top: Sad Phil Hughes. Tall Derek Jeter.
Bottom: Elvis Andrus and Ian Kinsler low-five

I am going to watch Game 3 no matter what. I had Cliff Lee induced sleep terrors last night.

NLCS Game 1: Giants 4, Phillies 3

Giants lead series 1-0
W: Tim Lincecum (1-0), L: Roy Halladay (0-1)
S: Brian Wilson (1)
HR: SF Cody Ross (1 and 2), PHI Werth (1), Ruiz (1)

Holy shit, who is Cody Ross??? From watching these games, I learned that Cody Ross grew up wanting to be a rodeo clown. I think he used to be a Florida Marlin? Other than that, I'm not sure why or how these home runs keeps happening.

Top: I love photos like this.
Middle: The Freak, The Franchise, The Freaky Franchise
Bottom: What's a Cody Ross? THAT.

I've had a hard time understanding my feelings about this series. I think it would be easier for the Yankees to beat the Giants in the World Series, and I like Tim Lincecum and Buster Posey and Fat Panda Sandoval. But then again, I've paid so much attention to the Phillies this year that it's hard not to instinctively root for them. And I love Roy Halladay* and Cole Hamels. And if the Yankees don't make it to the World Series this year, I want the Phillies to win so that Halladay can finally get a championship ring. But if the Yankees do make it to the World Series this year, I want them to win, so that means I should be rooting for the Giants. But I hate Brian Wilson. But I hate Shane Victorino and Jayson Werth. But, but, but....

NLCS Game 2: Phillies 6, Giants 1

Series tied at 1
W: Roy Oswalt (1-0), L: Jonathan Sanchez (0-1)
HR: SF Cody Ross (3)

Top: Roy Oswalt ignores the "stop signal" and slides home safely.
Bottom: The Phillie Phanatic wearing a hat, a shirt, shoes and knee socks, but no pants.

To me, the most interesting part of this broadcast was when they showed the Phillie Phanatic driving Ryan Howard from the Eagles game to Citizen's Bank Ballpark. I think they were in a golf cart! Also Cody Ross hit another home run but the Phillies still won and I don't know how I felt about any of it.

Game 4 with Cole Hamels in San Fransisco starts on Tuesday afternoon.

*Did you know that Roy Halladay bought the Phillies Swiss watches after his perfect game? They were inscribed "We did this together. Thanks, Roy Halladay." I love him.

Just Say No

On Saturday, Texas Ranger and former drug addict Josh Hamilton held a brief press conference to apologize for a lapse in sobriety that occurred this January. Thank you, Josh, for reminding us not to drink. If only you had spoken out on Thursday. No matter. Third Base or Bust would like to reiterate our affection for Mr. Hamilton. How can you not love a guy who takes mugshots like this:


Or this?


Not to mention the time he crushed a record-setting 28 longballs at the 2008 Home Run Derby...


...but still didn't win? AFFABLE SCREWUP. Here's an n+1 review of his book, Beyond Belief.

It's 8:10pm and the last game of the Yankees-Red Sox series is about to start. I'll write a recap of this amazing weekend tomorrow.

In the meantime, to stay Rangers-centric while fulfilling my pledge to post less Jeter photos on this blog, here's a picture of #1 SUPERCUTE SUPERBRAT, Ian Kinsler.


Aw. So precious.

A New Top Ten

Almost four months have passed since I posted my Top Five on this blog. Because my knowledge of baseball players has expanded exponentially since then, I figured my original opinions were worth revisiting. And so, on this rainy Friday, I'm pleased to present my updated Top Ten (because, really, five isn't enough to hold all that love).

10. Jacoby Ellsbury (Red Sox)

He's fast and fleet, like a small magical deer. Also, since hearing that his nickname is "Tacoby Bellsbury," I've been thinking about him at least once every other day. Let this forever silence Boston fans who claim I'm biased against their team. Sorry guys, but Tacoby aside, the Red Sox are undeniably, hideously unattractive.

9. Ian Kinsler (Rangers)

I'm a supporter of many male archetypes and Kinsler is the ultimate fratboy manchild.

8. Clayton Kershaw (Dodgers)

It saddens me to say it, but a Clayton Kershaw has opened an unhappy chasm in the otherwise peaceful co-existence of Maddie and Jenni. House divided! Maddie thinks that Clayton looks like a horse...or worse, "a person wearing half of one of those two-part horse costumes." How can anyone hate so hard on a 21-year-old Texas boy who throws a 96 mph fastball for the best team in the National League? He does NOT look like a horse!

7. Torii Hunter (Angels)

He has a good personality and his eyes are sparkly.

6. Matt Kemp (Dodgers)

I don't know why I like Matt Kemp so much, because you can tell by the way he swaggers and pouts that his baseball attitude could use some improvement. Also, check out the perma-smirk in these mugshots from Joe. What a jerk! Love it.

5. Ichiro Suzuki (Mariners)

He is getting so weirdly mystical and cosmic. Ichiro will lead us through 2012 and into the thousand years of golden peace that await thereafter.

4. Casey Blake (Dodgers)

The Dodgers should hire me to be Casey Blake's publicist. He's so average and ordinary, but I think he's awesome and I talk about him all the time.

3. Derek Jeter (Yankees)

Life captain forever. Thank you, Derek Jeter.

2. Grady Sizemore (Indians)

I can't remember the first time I saw Grady Sizemore play baseball, so let's call this one a classic case of unrequited love and tenth sight. I am even okay with the fact that his favorite band is The Doors.

1. Robinson Cano (Yankees)

This is a stupid photo of him, but it's the best I could find in the Getty Image archive (I wanted something from last year, when he wasn't so fat). In the early days of my baseball fandom, I decided that Robbie Cano was my favorite player and it just seems wrong to change that now. So, through slumps and streaks and despite his obvious weight gain, Robbie's still #1. Go Yankees!