A New Unfortunate Thing That My Brain Did to Itself

Sometimes I have ideas that involve trying things that I've never tried before.  Today, my idea was to watch to guided imagery meditation YouTube videos while simultaneously listening to the end of the Yankees-Blue Jays game on the radio.  This was not a good idea.  The music made me visualize hypnotic raccoon faces leering at me from the Darkness of My Unknown Mind.  This felt bad, but instead of turning it off, I stopped focusing on my Inner Thoughts and made this picture:

While I was Photoshopping DJ, he hit a home run and tied the game at 7-7 in the ninth inning.  Why did THAT happen?  The music makes me feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of ice cold red Gatorade.  The music makes me feel like animals can talk.  The music makes the place between my eyeballs hurt.  One million, eight hundred and one thousand and thirty nine (1,801,039) people watched this video before I did.  One million, eight hundred and one thousand and thirty nine people have been subconsciously effecting the outcomes of Yankee games since this video was uploaded in September 2011.  Please do not listen to this music if your secret brain hates the Yankees.  

I guess I should be happy that I've used a free internet resource to unleash my psychokinetic sports powers, but I don't feel very good.  I will probably have awful dreams tonight and the Yankees still haven't won the game.

This is Not Good

This is the kind of picture that populates the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery these days:

Disorienting cropping, static straight-ahead camera angles, noticeable lack of Derek Jeter.  Who is this person?  Evan Longoria.  What does his hair look like? Indiscernible.  After all, what else could anyone possibly want to know about Evan Longoria? Nothing!

My quality of life directly correlates to the quality of the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. I may never know what anyone looks like again.  What will I put on this blog? Acrostic poems about my favorite athletes, I guess.  Here's my first two:

1.
Day after day,
Even when I am
Reasonably happy, I spend at least one minute thinking about how in-
Evitably, Derek Jeter is getting older.  It
Keeps happening.  There's no reason to take it personally. It's

Just something that is happening.
Every day,
The past gets larger and larger, like a floating yak that can't stop
Eating.  Someday this insatiable ghost yak, or whatever it is, will consume you.
Realistically, thankfully, I doubt that Derek Jeter has considered his spirit animal of death.

2.
Please be good at football this year.
Eli has already won two Superbowls.
You deserve another one,
Two, three, four
Or five...just kidding. You're probably too old for four.
Not that I know anything about the lifespans of professional athletes.

M
A
N
N
I also don't know why you're in that boring car commercial.
N
G

Someone please fix the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. Writing poetry is stupid and hard.

Great Job, DJ

Tonight, the internet is talking about whether or not Derek Jeter can amass 1,001 hits and break Pete Roses's all-time hits record.  People say that he would have to play until he's in his late 40's. Go for it, DJ! You're already the world's best person. You might as well try to become the world's-best-person-who-has-also-hit-more-baseballs-than-any-other-person.  By then, I'll also be in my 40's and will have hit no baseballs in any context.  That's okay. We all have our own paths in life.

Something I would like the internet to tell me: what happened to the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery?  Where else can I go to see hundreds of unsorted photos of unfamous MLB players? I had to use this un-new photo of Derek Jeter that Google unearthed from some unknown corner of the universe.  Oh well. Who cares about representing things as they are? Who really cares about the truth?

Congratulations to the Derek Jeter of today, yesterday, 10+ years from now and forever.  Thanks to the internet, you'll always be our one and only timeless Jeter.

Additionally

THANK YOU FOR BEING BORN!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday, DJ3K

Happy Birthday to the person I speak and listen to when I'm very depressed or confused about life, i.e. my Imaginary Friend Who is Also A Real Person that Has an Independent Life Beyond the Confines of My Brain.  Happy Birthday, Real Derek Jeter. I hope you can win the World Series and then have at least five more productive years before retiring and hiring me to curate and manage the Derek Jeter Museum.  Old age is coming, but it may be kind to us both.

I wish I could eat this snack stadium in honor of your birthday, but that's probably too much sodium.

In Which I Mention Even More Plans to Write Derek Jeter Fan Fiction

While baseball started, I was camping in an internet-less California forest. My first glimpse of the 2012 season was seeing Cole Hamels get shelled on Sports Center during the flight home. Good Lord. Since I started paying attention, though, things have gotten better. Derek Jeter hit a home run tonight! Anything is possible. NEVER treat your life like an old t-shirt.

Derek Jeter (as if you didn't know by now)

I've been saying that for years, but I guess I still don't really understand what it means. I'm wearing one of my mom's old t-shirts right now. I wonder how Derek Jeter and Jack Curry decided that that saying should be the conclusion of DJ's autobiography. I'll be sure to ask DJ when I ghost-write his next autobiography:

THE JETER YEARS: A White House Memoir by America's Most Beloved President, Including Photos (Mostly in Color), Recipes, Poems, Jokes, and Facts

Look for it on iTunes 30 or 40 years from now.

Generally, I Tend to Like Photos Like These

I like photos of Roy Halladay smiling. They are just so bizarre. I also like photos of Cole Hamels looking thoughtful. I think my hands may be larger than his.


This isn't Derek Jeter's best side, but this photo is like some sort of Sebald-baseball mashup, which I like. Seeing weird stuff like this in the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery really makes my day.

Maybe I'll make my own Derek Jeter owl collage later today after the noisy plumbers leave.

I am extremely jealous that there are people out in the world taking close-up Instagram photos of Derek Jeter. This photo would be cooler with bird eyes, though.

Finally, look who's back:

If you don't like this photo, you are probably not a good person. It would be cooler with some dog eyes in the background, though.

Derek Jeter Has Eli Manning's Phone Number

ESPN currently has an article about Derek Jeter and Eli Manning on its home page. In it, we learn that Jeter called Eli during Eli's rookie season, that Jeter is one of Eli's role models, and that Justin Tuck thinks that Eli is "more Jeter than he is Peyton."

If the internet can hold an unlimited number of images, why doesn't it have any photos of Derek Jeter talking on a cell phone? On a regular phone? Texting? Does Derek Jeter have an iPhone? The internet doesn't know.

So, what you get instead are photos of Derek Jeter sitting next to a closed laptop and Eli Manning going online to check himself out. Could Eli be doing that on his iPhone? The internet doesn't know. But it will tell you the answers to "How many playoff wins does Eli Manning have?" and "Why does Eli Manning have Down Syndrome?"

Information. It's non-stop and everywhere.

I'm having a great time imagining the way Derek and Eli's conversation looked and sounded. If you see me during the Super Bowl, I'll do a reenactment for you.

Go Ahead, Take One More Year in Philadelphia, Cole.

I was proud and not at all surprised to learn today that "Cole Hamels" was my #3 most Googled phrase of 2011. I was confused and very surprised to see that "Doug Fister" was the only other professional athlete to crack the top ten. After all of my seeking, the only thing I know about him is that he's not bad looking.

Eh. Then again, what else is there to know about a person, really?

Anyway, there is actual Cole Hamels news on the internet. Something about how he's getting $15 million dollars to stay in Philadelphia next year. I don't know. I'm mostly only paying attention to stories about Cole Hamels becoming a Yankee is 2013. Just like I'm mostly only paying attention to stories about Peyton Manning becoming a Jet is 2012. Now wouldn't that be a holy square of sports superstars?

Derek Jeter. Cole Hamels. Eli Manning. Peyton Manning. I'd wear nothing but sports jerseys for the rest of my life!

Derek Jeter Living in and Against Time: 2012 Has Begun

One year ended and another one began. The beginning of a new year means that more time has passed, that more time is coming and that the time that is coming will pass. Time just keeps happening! And as time happens, it changes us. You get where I'm going with this? Time is happening and Derek Jeter is getting older. The New York Post reports that he was in Paris with ex-girlfriend Minka Kelly this weekend. Wearing a black hooded jacket, no less. We're all getting older. Time is happening to everyone.

If W.G. Sebald wrote a book about Derek Jeter living in and against time, it would probably include these two photographs with no captions:


The New York Post article claims that Derek and Minka "were spotted Thursday walking through the Musée d'Orsay art museum," which is a detail that W.G. Sebald most certainly would have included in his hypothetical book about Derek Jeter living in and against time. After describing them strolling around the galleries, he would have talked about the particular sadness that emanates from different not-particularly-sad-looking paintings from the collection. Although he doesn't (yet) have his own museum, there's a lot of art about Derek Jeter that can be seen on the internet. Here's a selection:

via 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Art is one way to try and stop time. But really, nothing stops time! Just as that would be the inevitable conclusion of W.G. Sebald's book, so is it the conclusion of this blog post. Nothing stops time.

Don't be scared, though. It's just normal.

Thank You Baseball

For good times, great times, bad times, all times...thank you, Derek Jeter and thank you, Yankees and thank you, baseball.

Does DJ spend Thanksgiving in Florida?

Bye George

I read in the New York Times that Jorge Posada believes that there is "not even a percentage of chance" that he'll be back with the Yankees next year. No numerical representation of the likelihood of him retiring from baseball was given. Regardless, this is some sort of goodbye.

1996: Young Jorge and Jeter with a shiny, unevenly spaced sign.

Listening to team mates admit to using
performance-enhancing drugs: Andy and A-Rod editions

Wow, they'll never win another World Series together.
This is sad.

Growing old

Old in sports is not even that old.

DJ3K: A Celebration

Derek Jeter's going to be so lonely. Goodbye George.

Some Things are Over, Some Other Things aren't Over

I can't keep up with facts-- I've sunk into an inescapable bog of sorrow and confusion and I'm not coming out until next April.

Because didn't this year of milestone accomplishments and improbable comebacks necessitate a 28th World Series championship? Shouldn't the forces behind the Red Sox collapse have compelled the Yankees to victory, in a seesaw of karmic momentum?

Okay, it's not that they didn't win. Every year, every team minus one doesn't win. The not winning doesn't take away the 162 game days you got to spend with your team and the not winning doesn't prevent the cyclical reintroduction of your team into your life next spring. Maybe not exactly the same team as the year before, but close enough.

So, Jorge Posada probably isn't going to come back. He was never my favorite Yankee. It was admittedly very sad to watch him standing alone on the top step of the dugout, deprived of that final ninth-inning at-bat, staring off into the field as his silent teammates filed past him, but it'll be okay. He'll find another team and become a crotchety fixture on their bench. Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera will look even older and more out of place. Derek Jeter and Mariano will stand alone in the dugout after A-Rod's sixth and seventh consecutive season-ending strikeouts and wonder what they'll be doing next April. Those things will happen and still the close-enough Yankees won't end.

At least they didn't have it as bad as the Phillies, who had to watch Ryan Howard lie in the dirt as the Cardinals amassed on their infield, tearing off their jerseys and chanting "Happy Flight."

Baseball isn't over. I've been monitoring every game. I'm rooting for a Brewers-Tigers World Series. And after that happens, baseball will be over for a while, but not forever. Not for very long, even, when you think about it. Maybe I'll finish my "Derek Jeter in Trenton" essay and start my Cole Hamels video masterpiece in the meantime.

Other Games, Other Teams

The Rays just lost their third game to the Rangers, making this post outdated. Still, for the sake of historical accuracy, I feel compelled to put it into the world so that I can devote my next post entirely to photos of Cole Hamels. Because they could be the LAST photos of Cole Hamels from this year. (Probably not.)

The Rangers beat the Rays 3-1. Pitches, hits, strikeouts, home runs, etc. I am not going to say anything more about this because I'm scared of karmic retribution. May every other team facing elimination tonight remain uneliminated.

The Brewers are up 2-0 on the Diamondbacks. As I've said, there are very few attractive players on the D'bags and they exist entirely on this blog's blind side. Win a game, okay? Everyone facing elimination remain uneliminated.

The Phillies are playing now, scoreless against the Cardinals in the third inning. Cole Hamels just bunted. The series is tied at 1 game apiece. Cole, I think you can win.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be cheering for Phillies' players anymore. I promise I will give you real baseball information starting tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a collage that the New York Times made about the postseason.

See? Even they put the D'back backwards.

ALDS: Yankees v. Tigers; Games 1-3

While I was on vacation this weekend, I did a lot of baseball-watching on the hotel television and zero baseball-blogging on this website. There's a lot of things we need to go over.

ALDS Game 1: Tigers 3, Yankees 9
W: Ivan Nova (1-0), L: Doug Fister (0-1)
HR: NYY - Robinson Cano (1), DET - Delmon Young (1)

This game started on Friday evening and concluded on Saturday night around midnight due to a rain delay that deeply angered Yankees radio announcer, John Sterling. According to Sterling, the weather this year has been the worst of any season since he began broadcasting 30 years ago. I just read on his Wikipedia page that he has announced every Yankees game since 1989. That's crazy.

C.C. Sabathia and Justin Verlander gave up one run each before the game was postponed in the middle of the second inning.

Ivan Nova and Doug Fister picked up where they left off on Saturday evening. They're kind of like Sabathia and Verlander's little brothers.


Robinson Cano hit a grand slam in the sixth inning with two outs. I was watching the game in a "tavern" in Manchester, Vermont with some Vermont-y Red Sox fans, some people who were there to watch college football and a drunk girl playing foosball in a Tigers hat. The one other Yankees fan in the bar gave Alex and I a nod as we were leaving. Vermont is a nice state. Why are they Red Sox fans?

Gooooooo Yankeeeeeeees! (Then this happened....)

ALDS Game 2: Detroit 5, Yankees 3
Series tied at 1
W: Max Scherzer (1-0), L: Freddy Garcia (0-1)
HR: DET - M. Cabrera (1), NYY - C. Granderson (1), N. Swisher (1)

ALDS Game 3: Yankees 4, Detroit 5
Detroit leads 2-1
W: Justin Verlander (1-0), L: C.C. Sabathia (0-1)
S: Valverde (1)
HR: DET - D. Young (2)

Justin Verlander, MVP?

The Yankees need to win tonight's game to stay alive, so they're pitching A.J. Burnett. Scary! Maybe they should steal a move from the Red Sox's desperation playbook and call Bruce Chen. What's he doing...golfing?