Goodbye Tigers (by Jenni)*

I rationally know that I have no impact on the outcomes of Major League baseball games (this despite the emotional toll that Major League baseball outcomes regularly extract from me). That said, I can’t help but feel that some force in the universe has been punishing me for my postseason choices. I wanted the Yankees to win and they didn’t. I wanted the Phillies to win and they didn’t. I wanted the Diamondbacks to lose and they did, but that can be irrefutably attributed to the fact that they persist in wearing those awful uniforms and had nothing to do with me. I wanted the Tigers to win and they didn’t. I wanted the Brewers to win and…guess what…THEY LOST.

I watched Game 5 of the Tigers-Rangers series on our home television. To give you an idea of how old this television is, let me state that it belonged to Phil before he got the flat screen television that he eventually replaced with his current flat screen 3-D television. So, it’s old and our service is bad. Watching sports at my house can be an ordeal. Someone hits a baseball and its trajectory through the ballpark is abruptly replaced by a blue screen. Eli Manning throws a pass and the interception gets all pixelated. ( I hate it when I don’t get a clear view of his “OH MAN” face.) Watching sports at my house can also be surreal, especially during slow motion replays, highlight montages and other times when your brain isn’t trying to process information in real-time. Check out these images of FOX’s post-game programming:

Miguel Cabrera's interview...the bottom image reminds me of ninth-grade English class.

Justin Verlander reacting to Nelson Cruz's home run (1 + 2), then performing a victory dance (3).

The Tigers hit a single, a double, a triple and a home run in order in the sixth inning. The Detroit radio announcers referred to this as a "natural cycle." Amazing, right? I was rooting for this team and now they're gone. It doesn't matter if you can hit for a natural cycle. The universe will still make you lose to the Texas Rangers and no one will understand why.

Bye Tigers.**

*I hope that Kei will write a second Tigers post, which is why I'm signing this one as Jenni.
**I got this reprimand via text message last night:

Dont be a bitter baseball fan that likes the Yankees! It's unbecoming

A correction in attitude and related blog post is in the works. While we're still being real, though, I HATE the Rangers and...for reasons I don't understand...I HATE the Cardinals too.

Other Games, Other Teams

The Rays just lost their third game to the Rangers, making this post outdated. Still, for the sake of historical accuracy, I feel compelled to put it into the world so that I can devote my next post entirely to photos of Cole Hamels. Because they could be the LAST photos of Cole Hamels from this year. (Probably not.)

The Rangers beat the Rays 3-1. Pitches, hits, strikeouts, home runs, etc. I am not going to say anything more about this because I'm scared of karmic retribution. May every other team facing elimination tonight remain uneliminated.

The Brewers are up 2-0 on the Diamondbacks. As I've said, there are very few attractive players on the D'bags and they exist entirely on this blog's blind side. Win a game, okay? Everyone facing elimination remain uneliminated.

The Phillies are playing now, scoreless against the Cardinals in the third inning. Cole Hamels just bunted. The series is tied at 1 game apiece. Cole, I think you can win.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be cheering for Phillies' players anymore. I promise I will give you real baseball information starting tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a collage that the New York Times made about the postseason.

See? Even they put the D'back backwards.

ALDS: Yankees v. Tigers; Games 1-3

While I was on vacation this weekend, I did a lot of baseball-watching on the hotel television and zero baseball-blogging on this website. There's a lot of things we need to go over.

ALDS Game 1: Tigers 3, Yankees 9
W: Ivan Nova (1-0), L: Doug Fister (0-1)
HR: NYY - Robinson Cano (1), DET - Delmon Young (1)

This game started on Friday evening and concluded on Saturday night around midnight due to a rain delay that deeply angered Yankees radio announcer, John Sterling. According to Sterling, the weather this year has been the worst of any season since he began broadcasting 30 years ago. I just read on his Wikipedia page that he has announced every Yankees game since 1989. That's crazy.

C.C. Sabathia and Justin Verlander gave up one run each before the game was postponed in the middle of the second inning.

Ivan Nova and Doug Fister picked up where they left off on Saturday evening. They're kind of like Sabathia and Verlander's little brothers.


Robinson Cano hit a grand slam in the sixth inning with two outs. I was watching the game in a "tavern" in Manchester, Vermont with some Vermont-y Red Sox fans, some people who were there to watch college football and a drunk girl playing foosball in a Tigers hat. The one other Yankees fan in the bar gave Alex and I a nod as we were leaving. Vermont is a nice state. Why are they Red Sox fans?

Gooooooo Yankeeeeeeees! (Then this happened....)

ALDS Game 2: Detroit 5, Yankees 3
Series tied at 1
W: Max Scherzer (1-0), L: Freddy Garcia (0-1)
HR: DET - M. Cabrera (1), NYY - C. Granderson (1), N. Swisher (1)

ALDS Game 3: Yankees 4, Detroit 5
Detroit leads 2-1
W: Justin Verlander (1-0), L: C.C. Sabathia (0-1)
S: Valverde (1)
HR: DET - D. Young (2)

Justin Verlander, MVP?

The Yankees need to win tonight's game to stay alive, so they're pitching A.J. Burnett. Scary! Maybe they should steal a move from the Red Sox's desperation playbook and call Bruce Chen. What's he doing...golfing?

Signs of Life

Happy Valentine's Day! The curbside piles of frozen trash are finally melting in New York and the city's cold wave of mass seasonal depression seems to be peaking. Spring must be on it's way! And so, pitchers and catchers from across the globe have begun reporting to their team camps in Arizona and Florida. In celebration of the fact that BASEBALL SEASON IS COMING, here are some old photos of our favorite pitchers and catchers in sunny places, including some with palm trees.

Top Top: Roy Halladay, Fantasy Baseball All-Star
Top Bottom: Cole Hamels, Walking Purposefully
Bottom Top: Fans in sports shorts watch Mo run
Bottom Bottom: CC's new diet

I heard that CC Sabathia's already lost 25 pounds and that he expects to lose 5-10 more during spring training. According to this photo, his new nutritionist is a giraffe. GO YANKEES.

Top: Joe Mauer reading Proust
Bottom: Happy Tigers

I'm not a very dedicated follower of the central teams, so perhaps you can tell me two things. Does Joe Mauer live in Minnesota during the off-season? And who is that jumping person?

Pitchers and catchers in California have a nice life, year-round. They also enjoy dressing their rookies as Alpine women.

Top top: Chad Billingsley: Dodgers Right-handed Pitcher
Top Bottom: Clayton Kershaw in a dress
Bottom Top: Buster Posey in a dress
Bottom Bottom: Sports Celebrities...they're just like us!

If that isn't a photo of Tim Lincecum stoned in the hotel hot tub, I'll buy and mail everyone ten boxes of conversation hearts each.

Memorial Madness

I'm going to adopt a loose definition of "Memorial Day Weekend," and rewind the blog back to Thursday night when I waited through a windy two-hour rain delay to see Cole Hamels pitch at CitiField. He lost. He wasn't that great, but the Phillies scoring ZERO runs over 27 innings didn't help much either.

C-Hamels looks kind of like the male "dating model" from the Amazing Race.

That same night, Kei's favorite baseball player hit three home runs and my favorite player hit a grand slam. Baseball Twins SPORTS FEELINGS!!!

Top: Lord Miggy collecting a low-five from Brennan Boesch;
Bottom: BEST SMILE IN BASEBALL

On Saturday afternoon, A-Rod almost killed Indians starting pitcher David Huff. Then, the Yankees/Joba Chamberlain blew a six-run lead to lose 11-13.

I'm exaggerating. David Huff is fine, not almost dead. Also, A-Rod said he felt bad.

Also on Saturday, Angel Kendry Morales hit a walk-off grand slam against the Mariners, then immediately broke his leg in the on-field celebration. The next night, Angel Howie Kendrick hit a walk-off home run against the Mariners. No injuries resulted.

Get better soon, Kendry!

As I mentioned, Derek Jeter celebrated his 15-year anniversary this weekend. Rookie Jeter looks like a baby ostrich. Present-day Jeter hit a double. I already told you about what Roy Halladay did on Saturday night. I spent three hours drawing nine pictures of Doc Halls this afternoon. They're all pretty weird.

Never treat your life like a used t-shirt and never, never, never give up.

I don't remember what happened on Sunday, other than that the Yankees won. Apparently, I also don't remember what happened on Friday.

On Monday, everyone wore white hats to pay tribute to American soldiers. All of the teams that wear white uniforms looked like milk men. Handsome Tiger Justin Verlander lost his game. Conversely, crazy Colorado Rockie Ubaldo Jiminez pitched a complete game shut-out against the Giants. His ERA is something inhuman like 0.970 right now.

Top: Okay, maybe more like an ice cream man?
Bottom: If I saw those eyes staring directly into mine, I'd strike out, too.

I'm currently watching the D-bag v. Dodger game and have a few pieces of trivia to report:

1. Casey Blake's beard is back and it's GRAY.
2. Manny Ramirez has never homered on his birthday. He has homered 8 times (counting tonight) on the day after his birthday. Happy 800th Birthday, Man Ram!
3. The Diamondbacks' first baseman owns a ranch and brands his cattle with the phrase "E3." ERROR ON THE FIRST BASEMAN. Does this scare anyone else?
4. Man, Vin Scully knows everything...college GPAs, player hobbies and nicknames, the body counts of every major war since the American Revolution...if you haven't watched him call a game, I highly recommend it.
   

That's all! Happy Memorial Day! Goodnight!

Actually, We Won

For a few days, now, I've been thinking about how to best articulate the absolutely wonderful wrongness of my predictions from last Tuesday. Instead of encouraging you to follow me further up the fantastical mountain of Yankee-mythologizing or indulging my dark certainty that the near future will be nothing more than a heartbreaking regurgitation of the cruel past, I'll just give you some facts that made me happy this weekend.

1. The Yankees finally beat Roy Halladay.
2. They then blanked Boston for 31-scoreless innings and swept the four game series.
3. This put them 6.5 games up in the AL East...
4. ...And ahead of the Dodgers to claim the best record in baseball.

Good work, team! Here's some notable photos:

Derek Jeter congratulates Johnny Damon

A-Rod hits a walk-off homer against Boston

Hahaha. These photos never get old. D-Ped showing his inner rodent.

Curtain Call for King C.C.

As I write, the Yankees are losing in early innings against the Blue Jays and Kevin Youkilis has been ejected from the Tigers game after charging this guy on the mound.

Seriously? Rick Porcello is barely 14-years old. Youkilis, you are a monster. It sounds like bad things are happening to the Tigers over at Fenway, so I'll close with another handsome face from their starting rotation...right-handed pitcher Justin Verlander, shown here getting pied after throwing the first-ever no-hitter at Detroit's Comerica Park on June 12, 2007.

This one's for you, Kei! I can't wait for the wrap-up of YOUR weekend!