This is Not Good

This is the kind of picture that populates the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery these days:

Disorienting cropping, static straight-ahead camera angles, noticeable lack of Derek Jeter.  Who is this person?  Evan Longoria.  What does his hair look like? Indiscernible.  After all, what else could anyone possibly want to know about Evan Longoria? Nothing!

My quality of life directly correlates to the quality of the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. I may never know what anyone looks like again.  What will I put on this blog? Acrostic poems about my favorite athletes, I guess.  Here's my first two:

1.
Day after day,
Even when I am
Reasonably happy, I spend at least one minute thinking about how in-
Evitably, Derek Jeter is getting older.  It
Keeps happening.  There's no reason to take it personally. It's

Just something that is happening.
Every day,
The past gets larger and larger, like a floating yak that can't stop
Eating.  Someday this insatiable ghost yak, or whatever it is, will consume you.
Realistically, thankfully, I doubt that Derek Jeter has considered his spirit animal of death.

2.
Please be good at football this year.
Eli has already won two Superbowls.
You deserve another one,
Two, three, four
Or five...just kidding. You're probably too old for four.
Not that I know anything about the lifespans of professional athletes.

M
A
N
N
I also don't know why you're in that boring car commercial.
N
G

Someone please fix the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. Writing poetry is stupid and hard.

Great Job, DJ

Tonight, the internet is talking about whether or not Derek Jeter can amass 1,001 hits and break Pete Roses's all-time hits record.  People say that he would have to play until he's in his late 40's. Go for it, DJ! You're already the world's best person. You might as well try to become the world's-best-person-who-has-also-hit-more-baseballs-than-any-other-person.  By then, I'll also be in my 40's and will have hit no baseballs in any context.  That's okay. We all have our own paths in life.

Something I would like the internet to tell me: what happened to the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery?  Where else can I go to see hundreds of unsorted photos of unfamous MLB players? I had to use this un-new photo of Derek Jeter that Google unearthed from some unknown corner of the universe.  Oh well. Who cares about representing things as they are? Who really cares about the truth?

Congratulations to the Derek Jeter of today, yesterday, 10+ years from now and forever.  Thanks to the internet, you'll always be our one and only timeless Jeter.

The Mid-Season Best of Cole Hamels

Sometimes the world provides you with an opportunity to return to yourself and remember the things that make you like being you.  I've been re-reading "Tender is the Night" this week for the first time since my junior year in college, when I was living in Aix-en-Provence and it was one of only two English novels I owned.  Do you know how good that book is?  And how sad? I LOVE reading sad books and I love F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Another thing I LOVE is taking photos of Cole Hamels on my iPhone.  Here are four of my favorites from before the All-Star break.

(Do you ever wonder why I don't take photos of my favorite Yankees on my iPhone?  It's because MLB.tv blocks out local games.)

Tonight is a great night for baseball.  Strangely, I'm actually going to leave my house and meet the world on its own terms.  That's what highlights are for!  And the MLB.tv iPhone app. DO YOUR BEST COLE.  STRIKE OUT A LOT OF PEOPLE AND DON'T WALK ANYBODY.

A Scientific Exploration of the Cole Hamels Contract, My Brain, and Representational Lawn Gnome Art. I'm Kidding. Just Another Post about Cole Hamels.

I wasn't expecting Cole Hamels to stay with the Phillies, but life is nothing if not full of surprises.  I haven't decided if this is a good surprise or a bad surprise.  On the one hand, I was eagerly anticipating the thrill of buying Cole Hamels Dodgers t-shirts on eBay.  On the other hand, I was dreading having to weigh my love of Cole Hamels, the person, against my hatred of the Texas Rangers, the ball club and symbol of everything that I irrationally fear and loathe in life. (Why do I hate Texas? I don't know.  It's an idea that formed in a deep animal recess of my brain where terror reigns and no logic flows. I like Michael Young and I like Adrian Beltre.  In fact, I like Adrian Beltre so much that I woke up last night yelling "WHO HIT ADRIAN BELTRE" and stayed awake long enough to google "Adrian Beltre concussion."  What part of my brain prompted those actions?  Again, I don't know.  Life is nothing if not full of mysteries about our unquiet, unknowable, ever-working brains.)

And, on the third hand that doesn't exist (i.e. the hand that represents things that we can imagine with no basis in reality), I REALLY wanted Cole Hamels to end up with the Yankees.

Anyway, this not-as-exciting-not-as-awful-as-it-could-have-been news about Cole Hamels provided me with a nice opportunity to revisit the internet's vast holdings of Cole Hamels images.  These are not my favorite Cole Hamels images, but they do touch upon three things that have not previously been said about Cole Hamels on this blog:  1) he chews gum; 2) he would probably be good at Bikram yoga; and 3) someone made a Cole Hamels lawn gnome that looks nothing like Cole Hamels (this lawn gnome would probably also be good at yoga if it were alive or if yoga were just one eternal, unbroken lotus pose).

(Okay, probably I hate Texas because of what they did to the Yankees in the playoffs two years ago.)
(A greater mystery than that, perhaps, is why do I love Cole Hamels? One answer is that I decided many years ago that he and I shared a specific brand of existential angst.  Another answers is that I took a gamble on him Fantasy-wise that same year and it has mostly paid off.  Another answer is, I don't know.  Another answer is, I don't care to know.  Another answer is that life is nothing if not full of me talking and thinking excessively about Cole Hamels for reasons that no one knows or cares to uncover.)
(And the greatest mystery of this post, honestly, is who were they looking at when they made that Cole Hamels gnome because it doesn't even look like they tried.)

Enough for now.  Congratulations on your gigantically expensive contract, Cole.

Additionally

THANK YOU FOR BEING BORN!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday, DJ3K

Happy Birthday to the person I speak and listen to when I'm very depressed or confused about life, i.e. my Imaginary Friend Who is Also A Real Person that Has an Independent Life Beyond the Confines of My Brain.  Happy Birthday, Real Derek Jeter. I hope you can win the World Series and then have at least five more productive years before retiring and hiring me to curate and manage the Derek Jeter Museum.  Old age is coming, but it may be kind to us both.

I wish I could eat this snack stadium in honor of your birthday, but that's probably too much sodium.

Cole Hamels Suspended

Cole Hamels got a five-game suspension for throwing a ball at Bryce Harper's back.  I guess some people are angry at Cole for admitting that he did it intentionally.  I don't mind. I don't love him because he's articulate.

I love him because he looks so existentially burdened.  Me too, Cole, me too.

In Which I Mention Even More Plans to Write Derek Jeter Fan Fiction

While baseball started, I was camping in an internet-less California forest. My first glimpse of the 2012 season was seeing Cole Hamels get shelled on Sports Center during the flight home. Good Lord. Since I started paying attention, though, things have gotten better. Derek Jeter hit a home run tonight! Anything is possible. NEVER treat your life like an old t-shirt.

Derek Jeter (as if you didn't know by now)

I've been saying that for years, but I guess I still don't really understand what it means. I'm wearing one of my mom's old t-shirts right now. I wonder how Derek Jeter and Jack Curry decided that that saying should be the conclusion of DJ's autobiography. I'll be sure to ask DJ when I ghost-write his next autobiography:

THE JETER YEARS: A White House Memoir by America's Most Beloved President, Including Photos (Mostly in Color), Recipes, Poems, Jokes, and Facts

Look for it on iTunes 30 or 40 years from now.

Generally, I Tend to Like Photos Like These

I like photos of Roy Halladay smiling. They are just so bizarre. I also like photos of Cole Hamels looking thoughtful. I think my hands may be larger than his.


This isn't Derek Jeter's best side, but this photo is like some sort of Sebald-baseball mashup, which I like. Seeing weird stuff like this in the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery really makes my day.

Maybe I'll make my own Derek Jeter owl collage later today after the noisy plumbers leave.

I am extremely jealous that there are people out in the world taking close-up Instagram photos of Derek Jeter. This photo would be cooler with bird eyes, though.

Finally, look who's back:

If you don't like this photo, you are probably not a good person. It would be cooler with some dog eyes in the background, though.

Good Morning, Jenni

I've been sleeping. I've been hibernating. I've been so preoccupied with wondering where I'm going to have to move to become Peyton Manning's art adviser that I completely failed to finish the Grady Sizemore injury rant I started writing two weeks ago. It's time to wake up.

Three nights ago, I dreamt that I met Cole Hamels and his skin was moon-bright, like a glowing porcelain doll. Last night, I listened to four hours of Fantasy Baseball podcasts. By the end, I was saying things like "I hate him" and "Oh God, I hate him" out loud to no one. It's like I'm in Emotional Spring Training.

Yeah, I'm ready to give my life back to you, baseball. Here's a celebratory photograph of Matt Kemp. Big League Stew seems to think it was an error or a prank. I just think it's a prediction.

Good luck to all the players I love! Good luck (but not as good) to all the players I hate, too, just to be nice. LET'S GET READY FOR BASEBALL!!!!

Derek Jeter Has Eli Manning's Phone Number

ESPN currently has an article about Derek Jeter and Eli Manning on its home page. In it, we learn that Jeter called Eli during Eli's rookie season, that Jeter is one of Eli's role models, and that Justin Tuck thinks that Eli is "more Jeter than he is Peyton."

If the internet can hold an unlimited number of images, why doesn't it have any photos of Derek Jeter talking on a cell phone? On a regular phone? Texting? Does Derek Jeter have an iPhone? The internet doesn't know.

So, what you get instead are photos of Derek Jeter sitting next to a closed laptop and Eli Manning going online to check himself out. Could Eli be doing that on his iPhone? The internet doesn't know. But it will tell you the answers to "How many playoff wins does Eli Manning have?" and "Why does Eli Manning have Down Syndrome?"

Information. It's non-stop and everywhere.

I'm having a great time imagining the way Derek and Eli's conversation looked and sounded. If you see me during the Super Bowl, I'll do a reenactment for you.

Baseball Manning

I was overjoyed to find this photo on my favorite website this afternoon:

In case you can't tell which Manning that is (I wasn't able to say with certainty before reading the title of the jpeg), it's Eli.

Wearing Green Bay colors? He's going to TEAR THEM TO SHREDS this weekend. Go Eli!!!

Derek Jeter Living in and Against Time: 2012 Has Begun

One year ended and another one began. The beginning of a new year means that more time has passed, that more time is coming and that the time that is coming will pass. Time just keeps happening! And as time happens, it changes us. You get where I'm going with this? Time is happening and Derek Jeter is getting older. The New York Post reports that he was in Paris with ex-girlfriend Minka Kelly this weekend. Wearing a black hooded jacket, no less. We're all getting older. Time is happening to everyone.

If W.G. Sebald wrote a book about Derek Jeter living in and against time, it would probably include these two photographs with no captions:


The New York Post article claims that Derek and Minka "were spotted Thursday walking through the Musée d'Orsay art museum," which is a detail that W.G. Sebald most certainly would have included in his hypothetical book about Derek Jeter living in and against time. After describing them strolling around the galleries, he would have talked about the particular sadness that emanates from different not-particularly-sad-looking paintings from the collection. Although he doesn't (yet) have his own museum, there's a lot of art about Derek Jeter that can be seen on the internet. Here's a selection:

via 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Art is one way to try and stop time. But really, nothing stops time! Just as that would be the inevitable conclusion of W.G. Sebald's book, so is it the conclusion of this blog post. Nothing stops time.

Don't be scared, though. It's just normal.

Belatedly

Yesterday, Cole Hamels turned 28. I had no idea! I'm too tired to post an appropriately apologetic photograph. I did enter it into my phone so that this will never happen again.

Did you know that Cole likes to read fantasy novels in his free time? Yeah...don't we all.

Happy Birthday, Cole. Let's have another nice year of Fantasy Baseball together in 2012.

POST-SCRIPT: I FOUND A PHOTO.



HOW SEASONAL.

Photos of Matt Kemp; My Plan to Buy the Dodgers (with Your Money)

Instead of dwelling on my mixed-because-they-were-never-positive-but-I-still-don't-want-him-to-have-taken-performance-enhancing-drugs-because-that's-not-good-for-baseball feelings about NL MVP Ryan Braun, let's just look at nice photos of Matt "he-really-should-have-won-that-MVP-award" Kemp. I don't know why I hyphenated his nickname.

Matt Kemp's mom must be really proud of him. I wonder what he bought her for Christmas.

I've never seen these Casey Blake t-shirts before! I cannot believe that something Casey Blake-related happened on the internet and I MISSED IT.

The Dodgers are my second favorite baseball team. Someday, I'm going to go to Chavez Ravine (with John Chavez) and get Casey Blake's autograph. I hope he doesn't retire before then.

John and I were talking about making a Kickstarter page to buy the Dodgers, but we had a hard time coming up with worthwhile rewards. Give us $250,000.00 and we'll make you a print out of this blog. And gild the edges. Okay no, give us $500,000.00 and we'll make a golden-edged print-out of this blog with your name substituted for every other occurrence of the words "Derek Jeter." Give us $50 million dollars and we'll name some seats after you and FedEx you a bag of frozen Dodger Dogs.

Buns included!

I'm Going to Talk About Cole Hamels Even More Next Year...Get Ready

Cole Hamels, thank you for being a good person. Thank you for having a Twitter account.

I...I...I just love you. Please be a Yankee next year.

Thank You Baseball

For good times, great times, bad times, all times...thank you, Derek Jeter and thank you, Yankees and thank you, baseball.

Does DJ spend Thanksgiving in Florida?

I Love Matt Kemp, But This Might Be Too Much

Matt Kemp is in a class of his own when it comes to defining baseball celebrity. Is there any other actually glamorous Major Leaguer? But this photo goes too far. You're announcing a new deal with the Dodgers, not accepting an Oscar!

Okay fine, I'd probably really like this picture if it had been taken from a different angle. Because this...I have no problems with this.

SMILE, YOU'RE FAMOUS. Congratulations!

Extreme Feelings

The Phillies came to some sort of agreement with former Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon tonight, instantly making themselves the team that encapsulates the widest range of my baseball feelings. A photo essay follows.

The above photo is the #2 Google image result for "Cole Hamels ugly."
The first result had a watermark and therefore does not fit into the aesthetic landscape of this blog.

I'm not sure I believe that that's really Jonathan Papelbon. I mean, why would it and how could it be? Why and how? But, also, why not?