Pudgy

Well, it's official: Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez has signed a one year deal to play this season with the Houston Astros.

Rodriguez signed a one-year deal worth $1.5 million, with the opportunity to make another $1.5 in incentives. He has a wedding to attend on Saturday, but expects to be in uniform for Sunday's game when the Astros host the Nationals.

"It wasn't an easy offseason for me," said Rodriguez. "I'm glad that I'm back in a Major League organization. The Astros have been an organization where they have a lot of good players.

I always imagine my favorite catchers being big burly guys like AJ Pierzynski or Wade Boggs. But Pudge always seemed so dainty.


Not to say that he's actually small. Here he is with his new teammate Carlos Lee. But look at him. He's wearing a fashionable v-neck shirt and holding a latte. That is not what an HGH using catcher is supposed to look like.

He's also really into potatoes. His favorite recipe (which I'm sure he cooks all the time) is "Dutch Oven Potatoes with Dried Fruit." No Joke. He's also a really big Yanni fan. I've heard this so many times that it's got to be true, but when I went looking on the interweb the only confirmation I could find was this liveblog blog from the 2003 World Series - where Yanni sang the national anthem! But nonetheless, I wish Pudge all the best this year with the Astros. But even the addition of a mediocre catcher (player now and looks) isn't going to improve my outlook for the NL Central.

NL CENTRAL

As a fellow Midwesterner I suppose the NL central should hold some sort of special place in heart. But it doesn't. In fact I couldn't even name all six teams this morning, I had to look it up on wikipedia. As the first rankings I have done with Jenni's scientific ranking system, I was surprised to see how the averages shook out, but they are what they are.

Coming in at a strong number 1 with a team average of 4.727 were the Milwaukee Brewers.

Tops of the Brewers: Ryan Braun, Mat Gamel, and Prince Fielder

Ryan Braun got the highest ranking of any player I looked at today and had I been a little more worldly when I did my original top 5, he probably would have mad the cut. Rookie-ish Mat Gamel has that hipsterish hair and I've already said too much about Prince Fielder.

Worst of the best: Braden Looper, Todd Coffey, and David Riske.

It seems obvious that Braden Looper's head is way to big to be supported by his body while Todd Coffey's head looks way too small for his EXTREMELY large frame. All I can think of when I look at David Riske is the gopher from Caddyshack.

At No. 2 are my sort-of home town Chicago Cubs with an average of 4.657.

Best of the Cubs: Joey Gathright, Jeff Samardzija, and Ryan Theriot.

Former wide-receiver Jef Samardzija doing his best Bo Jackson is a no-brainer for me and Ryan Theriot looks a lot like a not so poor man's Ashton Kutcher. And Joey Gathright just looks like a super nice guy.

Worst of the north-side losers: Alfonso Soriano, Chad Gaudin, and Paul Bako

Not to get on Jenni's shit list, but I hate injury-prone Soriano, seen here grabbing his crotch. I don't think Chad Gaudin needs much commentary to demonstrate his douchey-ness, and Paul Bako is... well... old.

In 3rd Position were the Houston Astros with an average of 4.45.

Best of the stros: Lou Palmisano, Yordany Ramirez, and J.R. Towles.

Lou Palmisano, who I guess is a rookie, looks like a mix between Tom Brady and movie star. Yordany's got one of those trusting faces and JR Towles looks like the type of guy I would want to be friends with.

Bottom of the stros: Tim Byrdak and Jeff Fulchino

Not to pick on him, but I think the main reason I put Tim Byrdak up there is because after looking at so many headshots it was a shocker to see someone with glasses on. I was going to pass over him because I thought it would be mean to call him out for looking like a nerd, but then I saw that soul patch. Believe it or not the picture above is actually a good one of Jeff Fulchino.

In 4th place, just barely behind the Astros, were the St. Louis Cardinals with an average of 4.4.

Chris Carpenter, Jason LaRue, and Brian Barton.

For some reason I always imagined veteran Chris Carpenter as being really ugly, but his headshot and several google image searches proved me wrong. I wanted to include an action shot of Jason LaRue, but his headshot might be even better. And Brian Barton looks like a great guy.


I also wanted to give a special shout out to Chris Perez, who looks startlingly like the Danny McBride character Kenny Powers in the HBO series Eastbound and Down.

Jason Motte, Rick Ankiel, and Trever Miller

Check out Jenni's wrap-up for Jason Motte's extremely bad mugshot. HGHer Rick Ankiel is grabbing for crotches and Trever Miller just looks weird.

In 5th place, but not quite last place were the Cincinnati Reds with an average of 4.314

The only one???: Edinson Volquez

I didn't identify a whole lot of standouts from the Reds, so I included two pictures of Edinson Volquez. All in all they were a pretty mediocre bunch.

Aaron Harang, and Bronson Arroyo

However, there were a couple fellas they stood out the wrong way, most notably is Aaron Harang who looks like a poor man's Paul Giamatti. Even though Arroyo has since changed his hair, he will never get off my shit list.

In last place, which really means something when you've got 6 teams in your division, were the Pittsburgh Pirates with an average of 4.277.

Stand-outs???: Neil Walker and Nate McLouth

I'll leave Nate McLouth for Jenni since he's in her top five... But Neil Walker, he looks like a stoner, which I think he pulls off very nicely.

Worst of the worst: Luis Cruz, Tom Gorzelanny, and Ramon Vasquez.

I would have loved to give Ramon Vasquez some props because I used to like him, but with that weak mustache, I just don't know. Luis Cruz got my lowest score of the day (2) because I couldn't look at that picture without picturing one of those large blow-up rats they put outside non-union construction projects. And Tom Gorzelanny just looks tired.

I'm still playing catch-up on my rankings, but hopefully by next week I'll be close to caught up.

NL Central: ON ACID

Things got a little loopy with the NL Central, this week. First, I mistakenly re-evaluated the Minnesota Twins while completely forgetting about the Milwaukee Brewers. Then, I got dopey-eyed and giggly about several of the UGLY players. When I began to repeatedly hallucinate a certain author/public intellectual's face over multiple mugshots, I knew that this week's ratings would be majorly f'ed. Still, there's nothing I can do about it now. The past is the past. You just have to let....it....go........

Charging to first are the forgotten Brewers with a nearly unprecedented team average of 5.39.

Beer Goggles?: Prince Fielder (7), Corey Hart (6), Angel Salome (8)

Angel Salome must be a model in the off-season, because he does that pout-and-gaze like only a professional could. Corey Hart looks like Nate McLouth before Nate McLouth got fat...I can't decide if I like him more or less than they other Corey Hart, nevermind those other 80's Cory icons. Sam's already written a blog post about Prince Fielder, and Kei's got him on her Fantasy Team, so I'll just say that I agree with both of them...he looks great for a fatty!

Alcohol Poisoning: Mike Lamb (3), Trevor Hoffman (3), Seth McClung (3)

Based solely on this outfit, I would be willing to bet $100 that Trevor Hoffman's name surfaces in some forthcoming wave of steroid disclosures.

In second place, with a collective score of 4.85 are the Houston Astros.

In the Stars: Hunter Pence (6), Kazuo Matsui (7), J.R. Towles (6)

Please note that Kazuo Matsui is NOT related to Hideki Matsui of the New York Yankees (HM has acne, KM has a sweet mustache).

Hogging the Spotlight: Lance Berkman (4)

Lance Berkman has two nicknames: "Fat Elvis" and "Big Puma." Once, while playing at Wrigley Field, a Cubs fan threw a Twinkie at him. He picked it up, unwrapped it and ate it. Please read the story behind the sumo costume, here. Oh man, I can't help but love it.

In third, we have the Cincinati Reds, who averaged 4.84 points.

Red Hot: Danny Richar (7), Jerry Hairston Jr. (shown next to his father)(6),
Brandon Phillips (7)

For some reason, every time I searched for Danny Richar, Google gave me pictures of Ken Griffey Jr. Am I going crazy?

Red Scare: Aaron Harang (2), Bronson Arroyo (3), Jared Burton (2)

Whenever I feel like being harsh about baseball grooming, I tell myself, "Jenni, not everyone has Madonna to help them with these kinds of things." Bad hair and all, these three guys look fairly amicable, actually.

Surprisingly low on the list are the Chicago Cubs, who finished fourth with an average of 4.73.

Bears!: Carlos Marmol (7), Joey Gathright (7), Alfonso Soriano (8)

Do you think that adult men with giant muscles find it demeaning to be called "Cubs?"

Bears!: Mike Fontenot (2), Chad Gaudin (3), Geovany Soto (3)

Especially now that their logo has been redesigned to include a cute little bear?

Fifth place is usually last place, but not in the NL Central! One step above rock bottom are the St. Louis Cardinals and their team score of 4.52.

St. Lookers: Brian Barton (6.5), Skip Schumaker (7), Albert Pujols (7)

I feel like this photo captured Brian Barton seconds before he flipped down those sunglasses, strode into the batter's box and casually hit a solo home run in the top of the 5th with two men out and Detroit leading 2-1. Oh wait...you don't wear sunglasses while batting.

St. Losers: Jason Motte (3), Ryan Ludwick (3), Chris Perez (3)

Suffering from a severe case of bad-mugshot-fever, I drew a hear next to Jason Motte's name on my scorecard. Can't explain it. Just like him. And doesn't Chris Perez somewhat resemble Judah Frielander from 30 Rock? Maybe looks aren't everything, after all....


...Nah.

I Dislike All Pirate Jokes: Nyjer Morgan (6), Andrew McCutcher (6), Nate McLouth (7)

In my first blog post, I put Nate McLouth fourth in my Top Five. What was I thinking? I mean, I have vague memories of him darting around the outfield in that never-ending All-Star game last year...I guess I must have confused him with some sort of mythical forest creature. Still, I will respect past-Jenni by not overly disparaging her former bad judgment. You can have a 7, Nate McLouth, but I'm dropping you from my Top Five as of right now.

These Could All Be the Same Person. Seriously:
Paul Maholm (3), Tom Gorzelanny (2), Jeff Karstens (3)

Last season, the Yankees traded Jeff Karstens for Xavier Nady and boy did that move pay off in the looks department. Nady also made a few crucial big plays for the Yanks towards the end of the season. Beyond that, I don't really have anything mean to say about these Pirates. These days, I find that I just don't care enough to hate as hard as I used to. Oh God...is this the beginning of the end? Step away from the bright light, Jenni.

Next Friday, we'll wrap our the weekly rankings with NL West (MANNYWOOD!), after which point we'll be able to crown our Third Base or Bust World Series Champions. Maybe we should have a party! What do you think, Sam?!