Sizemore (Uncovered)

With pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training this week, I thought it was worth rehashing a story that went curiously unnoted on TBB.

Back on November 29th of last year (ALMOST 3 MONTHS AGO!) deadspin broke the most TBB wheelhouse-y story imaginable: nearly nude pictures of Grady Sizemore surface on the internet!

Someone's got a big closet!

I've posted what I assume is SFW, but there are some others that are, maybe not quite...

Jenni, reached for comment last weekend, said, "gross". While I make no judgments about the pictures, I was pretty surprised considering Jenni's previous comments about Sizemore. See here, here, and here. And here for 3rd party confirmation. From Jenni's inaugural post:

I'm from the Midwest, so from the cradle I've been conditioned to like athletically built young men with honest faces. Grady Sizemore is the embodiment of my socially constructed desire.

Is it possible that these lewd photos have somehow shattered the illusion that any MLB player has an honest face? Or just Grady? I can't imagine they would have impacted the "athletically built" part...

But don't fear Jenni, Grady has finally broken his suspicious silence in an attempt to put this embarrassing (self-promotional?) episode behind him. As reported by Yahoo:

"This is a private matter," he said. "I never intended for any of this to get out. I hate to have to put everybody through this, but in the end it just wasn't meant to come out. It was meant for me and my girlfriend and it just happened to work out the way it did.

"You always have to be careful, but this was something that was stolen out of an e-mail account. It wasn't like we intended for these pictures to go anywhere. We weren't flying them anywhere. We weren't showing them to friends. This was stolen out of an e-mail account.

Come on, Grady! Embrace the limelight! Who knows, after baseball you may have a career as a Senator or something. Also, "flying them somewhere"? I'm starting to have some doubts that Grady is entirely up on how the interweb works. Baseball!

2,721

CONGRATULATIONS, DEREK.

Tonight, Derek Jeter got his 2,721st career hit, tying Lou Gehrig's long-standing all-time Yankees hits record. Also, it was free Snoopy night in the Bronx. Although my initial ticket purchase was based more on a juvenile obsession with stuffed toys than a cognizant desire to witness baseball history-in-the-making, I feel so, so lucky to have been at the stadium. The universe is kind, sometimes.

Admittedly, things didn't start out that well. Delayed in Chelsea due to my own idiocy and then burdened by bad train luck, I arrived at Yankee Stadium just in time to see the 18,000 Snoopys run out. Bummer! Happily, Paul's a student and can do things like show up super early to sporting events. Because he has a very kind heart and because he's seen enough of my only-child tantrums to want to avoid them, I got his Snoopy. Thanks, Paul!

There's the Captain on the gigantic Yankees scoreboard during his first at-bat! Everyone was standing and the camera flashes were incessant and insanely bright. Jeter had gone 0-12 in the Rays series so far, so no one really knew what to expect. For days, he'd been four hits away from breaking Gehrig's record and the New York tabloids were being typically vocal about the slump. Maybe people didn't want to get their hopes up. After he bunted his way to first base, the crowd exploded. I think we yelled "JETER" all the way through Johnny Damon's first swing.

Snoopy was so relieved! He had a drink to celebrate.

If you want to know exactly what happened in the game, The New York Times has a good recap. If you don't really care that much or already know, you can keep reading this blog. Basically, the Yankees were doing pretty badly until cranky old Posada came in and hit a three-run homer in the eighth inning. Jeter went 3-4, tying Gehrig with his third hit and drawing a walk during his last at-bat. This walk caused titanic waves of booing in the upper decks. I booed too, but I wasn't at all sad (and come on, I'll boo the Rays for any reason). It would have been awesome to see him break the record, but it was also awesome to see him tie it. The above photo shows the Yankees congratulating each other after sweeping the series. We're still nine games up on the Red Sox. Unbelievable.

Stoked on Snoopy

I don't know what to say about Jeter's record-tying hit, other than that it was overwhelming and emotional in all the right ways. I have no idea how long the applause lasted, but Jeter took his helmet off and saluted the crowd at least three times. One of the best parts was seeing his family's reaction on the screen. They look so nice. I know I talk about how great Derek Jeter is all the time-- like, to the point of absurdity-- but he really is a great person. Don't laugh at me, I'm being serious. IF YOU DON'T LIKE DEREK JETER, YOU ARE JUST A HATER AND YOU'D BETTER THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT TRYING TO FIX YOUR AWFUL PERSONALITY BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS ABANDON YOU AND YOU DIE ALONE. Just kidding (sort of). Derek Jeter wouldn't want me to hate on the Jeter haters, so I won't (publicly).

And so, goodnight from the House that Jeter Built. More tomorrow if he breaks the record. Once more, congratulations Derek! You're the best and thank you and we love you.

Today is Derek Jeter's Birthday

Happy 35th, Life Captain.
I love you forever.

xx,

Jenni

You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello

Happy Friday! Let's talk about drugs. As you may know, A-Rod is scheduled to make his season debut with the injury-ridden, unhappy Yankees today. Here are two photos of him doing what he does best...looking clueless.

What is this object?

What's my name? Who am I?

Keep up the good work, Alex. Let's hope that he also manages to excel at what he does second best...hitting monster home runs. Some of ESPN's baseball commentators are already saying that the Yankees are done for the season, which, having listened to or watched most of their games, I can't really contest. Seeing as that my Yankees-fandom started in 2006, I've never known them to do anything but lose. So, yeah, it's just going to be another one of those years.

I did have extremely high hopes for the LA Dodgers, who I began to love last year because of 1) Joe Torre, 2) Casey Blake and 3) Manny Ramirez. Now that Manny's out of the picture until early July, it's going to be a bit tougher for the Dodgers to crush their NL West competitors. A bit. They'll be fine. Moreover, this will be an excellent opportunity for Matt Kemp to launch his career as a sports celebrity. You can tell by the way he plays that he is DYING for more TV time.

Now, some of you may be worried about how Casey Blake will weather the loss of Manny. After all, most of Blake's runs this season can be attributed to Ramirez. I'm happy to report that he's doing just fine on his own, so far. Last night, despite being the game's final out, he went 2/4 and had two runs. He's batting an amazing .385 this week, which is the best average in my Fantasy lineup, and his beard looks great! Finally, he's physically dominating the competition. Look at him almost beating the brains out of Natinal's catcher Jesus Flores as he slides into home.

Of course, Casey Blake would never stoop to such mindlessly violent behaviour. He is a classy athlete and besides, Iowans don't mess with Jesus.

Speaking of drugs, here's a video of the Beatles wearing shiny uniforms and singing Hello, Goodbye.

A Comedic Interlude

Sometimes, you can find things on the internet that just blow your mind.

Seriously, that's Derek Jeter on Saturday Night Live with JIMMY FALLON (star of the VERY underrated baseball movie, Fever Pitch). You can watch a really crappy someone-recording-their-television YouTube video of "Derek Jeter's Taco Hole," here, if you'd like. Warning: it didn't make me laugh. It just made me REALLY CONFUSED.

Anyway, here's Jimmy Fallon being a baseball fan in real life. Not sure what's going on in this photo, either.


Man, I love Jimmy Fallon but why'd Hollywood have to make him a RED SOX FAN? DUDE IS FROM NEW YORK. Not cool. I am never looking at the internet after 1am ever again. It just makes me too upset.

Fourth Base and Bust

Widely recognized as the most attractive player in his franchise, Jacoby Ellsbury earned a different (though no less valuable) kind of acclaim last night, when he stole home plate beneath the weary eyes of aging pitcher Andy Pettite and cranky catcher Jorge Posada. The Red Sox went on to win the game 4-1 and sweep the series.



According to Wikipedia, Ellsbury was born in Oregon in 1983 and is "the first Native American of Navajo descent to reach the Major Leagues." This year, he was one of the 10 former and current MLBers caught up in the Stanford ponzi scheme (future real-estate agent and eternal caveman Johnny Damon was another). Here's an interesting Sports Illustrated article on why pro-athletes go bust. Included therewithin is this gem about Angels dreamboat Torii Hunter:

About five years ago, Hunter says, he invested almost $70,000 in an invention: an inflatable raft that would sit under furniture. The pitch was that when high-rainfall areas were flooded, consumers could pump up the device, allowing a sofa to float and remain dry. "The guy I invested with came back and wanted me to put in more, about $500,000," Hunter says. "Then I met [Butowsky], who just said, Hell no! I wound up never seeing that guy—or any of my money—again."

Inflatable furniture rafts. I'm going to give Torii the benefit of the doubt and assume that the prototype drawings (if any exist) aren't as ridiculous as I'm imagining them to be.

Hunter endorsing other kinds of responsible behavior

Hunter has been having a hot streak at the plate, recently, so it just goes to show that losers win, winners lose, home-stealers get robbed and life is weird. The Yankees are rolling on into Detroit today to face the second least attractive team in the American League. Better luck this time, boys.

Grampy Getting it Done, Robbie Having a Moment

Because Kei has gotten me hooked on the Yahoo! Sports baseball photo gallery and because this weekend is the first Yankees-Red Sox series of the year, here's another post commemorating another stomach-wrenching victory of the ugly over the not ugly. It's always hard when your team scores 11 runs and you still don't win, but alas, that's how it went last night in 4.5 hours of pitcher-bashing baseball.

Mike Lowell, who plays for my Fantasy opponent's team and must be, like, a billion years old, hit a three-run homer in the seventh, putting the Red Sox ahead 12-10. This wasn't even the most upsetting comeback of the night, as A.J. Burnett (looking hideous below) had a complete mental meltdown some time in the fourth and gave up a 6-0 lead.


The hero of the night was batting champ Robbie Cano, who went 3 for 6, with 2 home runs and 5 RBIs. Look at him barely reacting while he watches his ball sail out of Fenway...he's just THAT AWESOME. And, okay, those gum-chewing pictures aren't from yesterday, but let's all just pretend that after slamming his second HR, he went into the dugout and blew some bubbles to unwind.




In non-Yankees news, both Grady and Manny really whiffed it last night, going 0 for 9, collectively. Racy Casey, on the other hand, managed to save my Fantasy average by batting .500 via one hit and two walks. Hey Blake, any way you can....


Will the Yankees get swept by the Red Sox tonight? Will Grady re-emerge from his one-day hole of suckiness? Stay tuned...photos to follow, tomorrow, I'm sure.

Good, Bad and Ugly x 4 (But Not in that Order)

Last night's Yankees-Red Sox game was totally bizarre and ultimately disappointing. Boo! It did, however, provide ample photographic evidence that the Red Sox are THE UGLIEST TEAM IN BASEBALL:

Jason Bay is a weirdo.

Jonathan Papelbon is a stupid jerk.

Kevin Youkilis is an awesome baseball player
that looks really, really scary.

Dustin Pedroia...I can't even get into it.

On the other hand, the New York Times reports that even the Red Sox love Derek Jeter!

Here Comes Man Mountain!

It's a bit strange that Kei blogged about aliens yesterday, because I woke up this morning thinking about how much Jonathan Broxton of the L.A. Dodgers looks like Big Foot WITHOUT HAVING READ HER POST. It's just a supernatural time of year, I suppose.


Anyway, I've been watching a lot of MLB.TV this week. Due to their black out rules and regional restrictions, I'm not allowed to watch the Yankees (or the Mets, but whatever), so I mostly watch the Dodgers and the Indians. I like seeing zombie manager Joe Torre lurch across the field to contest a close call and I like seeing Manny Ramirez try to jog the bases in those floppy pajama pants of his. And of course, I like being pleasantly surprised when Casey Blake gets a hit or Grady Sizemore hits a home run. I've also come to enjoy the beyond stupid commentary of the MLB.TV announcers. Last night, during a very close and not at all boring Dodgers-Astros game, the announcers spent an inordinate amount of time making fun of fans in the stands. And so, for a few minutes each, I got to watch a man in a pink tie talking on his cell phone behind home plate, two kids fighting over a hot dog, and an overweight woman wave her arms around in some sort of trance-like Astros rally dance. I felt closer to my fellow Americans than ever before.

Sadly for dance lady, the Dodgers shut the Astros down 2-0 by bringing in monster closer Jonathan Broxton in the 8th inning. As he prepared to take the mound, one of the TV announcers said, "HERE COMES MAN MOUNTAIN." At first I thought, "Well, that's rude." Then, I thought, "Oh my God, it's true." And then I thought, "I hope that, at some point in my life, I have an occasion to yell HERE COMES MAN MOUNTAIN at someone and not get brutally beaten down as a result." A girl can dream.

But back to Broxton...he's 26 years old, 6'4" and 290 lbs. (supposedly). He routinely throws a 99 mph fastball and in 2007, struck out 99 people in 83 games. Crazy! I've been thinking a lot about how he probably goes home and unzips his human skin costume to reveal his true sasquatch self:

Right?!

Finally, I'd like to thank Kei for publicly acknowledging what I've known for months: Alexei Ramirez LOOKS WEIRD. I did not know, however, that Nick Swisher was an alien, so thanks, Kei and Lil Wayne, for that bit of news, as well.

Feral Cat Crashes Mets Home Opener

On Monday, I got so distracted by Nick Swisher's pinch pitching that I forgot about that other New York baseball team's freak field occurrence! As you can see below, the Mets were cursed blessed surprised [something-ed] by the appearance of a mangy feral cat during their home opener at Citi Field. (Big props to Kei for reminding me of this.)

THAT CAT WANTS BLOOD! Apparently, the Mets have a long history of feline invasions, most notably when a black cat took the field during a 1969 game against the Chicago Cubs.

The Cubs' Ron Santo Cursed by Black Magic Mets Cat, 1969

That cat did well by the Mets. According to this website:

Ever since the early years of Shea, kittens and cats have been roaming around the field. Some will remember the Chicago Cubs-New York Mets game in 1969, when a black cat scurried across the visiting dugout. The Mets, of course, went on to win the NLDS and World Series that year.

Are the Mets using demon animals to cast evil enchantments on visiting teams?

Evidence against the above statement: they lost Monday's game.
Evidence in support of the above statement: they signed Gary Sheffield.

(Here's a funny, short New York Magazine article about GS. Worth reading if you have a moment.)

Of course, we all know that black magic mastery takes time and, in the interim, mistakes get made. NEW YORK METS, I AM WATCHING YOU AND IF YOU ATTEMPT TO CURSE DEREK JETER OR IN ANY OTHER WAY HARM THE NEW YORK YANKEES, I WILL BE FORCED TO WEILD MY FORMIDABLE SPELLCASTING POWERS AGAINST YOU.*

*Although my shabby internet skills have prevented me from finding the post on the now defunct Ponytail Junction blog, in which I revealed that I had become possessed by our backyard witch neighbor, it really happened and, as a result, I know magic. Just ask Rachel.

Planet Andruw and Dodger Dogs

Because I know y'all like reading about fatties, here's an amazing bit of sports journalism from Brad Evans at Yahoo.com's Fantasy Baseball Weekly Rundown:

Last season, Andruw Jones' days in Dodger Land were highlighted by numerous whiffs and Pink's hot dogs. Many worried the once cherished outfielder's ballooned body was bound to float out into space, becoming a celestial entity the likes of which astronomers had never viewed before. Jupiter and Saturn feared they would become moons of Planet Andruw. But substituting bananas for burritos this past offseason, a slimmed-down Jones is on the brink of fantasy relevance again.

“I love home games. When I’m home, I go for the Super Dodger Dog

because it’s 20% larger.” -Andruw Jones, 2008

Over-elongation aside, what's the big deal about Dodger Dogs? Having never been to L.A., I guess I'll just have to trust statistical data, such as Wikipedia's assertion that Dodger Stadium was the #1 hot dog consuming ball park in 2005. Here's the complete list of parks, ranked by number of hot dogs purchased:

• 1. Dodger Stadium – 1,674,400
• 2. Coors Field – 1,545,000
• 3. Wrigley Field – 1,543,500
• 4. Yankee Stadium – 1,365,000
• 5. Minute Maid Park – 1,248,000
• 6. Edison Field – 1,133,000
• 7. HHH Metrodome – 850,000
• 8. Citizens Bank Park – 800,000
• 9. Shea Stadium – 745,000
• 10. U.S. Cellular Field – 495,000

I checked the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council's website to see if any updates were available, but got too distracted by this press release to continue:

Stadiums around the country offer a range of options to hot dog-hungry fans. Turner Field, home of the Atlanta Braves, dresses their Georgia Dog with coleslaw, chili and onion relish. Dolphin Stadium, home of the Florida Marlins, stocks its condiment carts with banana peppers. The Tampa Bay Rays’ Tropicana Field offers “The Heater,” which is served with spicy chili and shredded cheddar. Arizona Diamondback’s Chase Field has a specialty concession stand called “Big Dawgs,” which features five foot-long specialty hot dogs including the Arizona Dog with chorizo, cheese and tortilla chips and the Wisconsin Dog with mac and cheese and bacon bits. The Metrodome, stadium of the Minnesota Twins, is home to the “Dome Dog,” a black angus dog served hot off the grill with toppings made fresh daily. When the Chicago Cubs are in town, many teams will add the famous Chicago Dog to their menu for the series: a natural casing beef frank, served on a poppy seed roll topped, (or "dragged through the garden" as they say in the Windy City), with yellow mustard, sweet pickle relish, chopped onion, fresh tomato, pickle spear, sport peppers and a dash of celery salt.

Oh boy. This is a plea to anyone who attends a game this year: BLOG THOSE DOGS! For groups of 20 or more, $16/person gets you unlimited hot dogs at Staten Island Yankees games. A re-staging of Grinnell College's epic hot dog eating contest may be inevitable.

Today Was Not a Good Day

Of course it had to happen, but did it have to happen so soon? As all sports fans know, you win some, you lose some; the violently elating highs come with the agonizingly soul-depleting lows. Yankees fans have it a bit worse, though, as every unintentional walk, pop-up fly, and fumbled throw home accumulates into a jumbled chorus whose main overtone sounds suspiciously like coins rolling down the drain (or, rather, giant piles of gasoline-soaked dollar bills burning in an eternal, raging hellfire). Moreover, a large percentage of non-Yankees fans are actually Yankees haters. When Yankees fans watch their team tank, they do so knowing that thousands and thousands of their fellow-baseball-viewers are cheering their misfortune with unsportsmanlike glee.

This hatred is not unwarranted. That the Yankees are frequently called a corporate baseball Death Star makes perfect sense. This is all fine and great and funny when the team is winning, but what good is a nickname like "The Evil Empire" when, despite the enormous salaries and celebrity players and palatial stadiums, you repeatedly lose games to teams that you should be CRUSHING? Man, do the Yankees get me down, sometimes. Tonight, after they failed to beat the Orioles (a good looking team, I'll admit), I cursed C.C. Sabathia's billowing pajama pants and Johnny Damon's terrible arm and left the bar and walked around the puddle-soaked streets of Williamsburg with no destination and no desire to be anywhere or do anything. Okay, that's an exaggeration. What really happened is that Maddie and I were drunk and couldn't decide what we wanted to eat. Then, when we got home, I suddenly knew what I wanted to eat and that thing was Jell-O! But the corner store didn't have any and it was way too late to go to a proper supermarket and let me tell you, friends, I felt lower and angrier than I've felt in weeks.

I know that, traditionally, this blog has been a place of love and of love-hate and of the special kind of joy that accompanies pure hatred, but let's pause momentarily to acknowledge a dark truth: SOMETIMES BASEBALL MAKES LIFE FEEL SO MUCH WORSE.

IT'S ALL FINE IN '09

HAPPY OPENING DAY, EVERYONE!


Welcome to the best part of the year. Here's a photo of Derek Lowe of the Atlanta Braves, who somehow ended up on my fantasy team. He's pitched three scoreless innings against the Phillies, so far, so that's good. Tomorrow at 3pm I'll be watching the Yankees play their first game against the Baltimore Orioles..."excited" doesn't even begin to describe it.

Stand by Your Man (Sometimes it Pays Off)

When I first started paying attention to baseball in 2006, Robinson Cano was in his second year with the Yankees and absolutely on fire. He ended up batting .342 that season, before slumping significantly in 2007 and 2008. Last year was especially tough for Robbie, who got benched for "lack of hustle" and also saw his Best Baseball Friend Forever (BBFF from now on), Melky Cabrera, sent down to the minors. During these dark times, my affection for him was unwavering. However, this winter saw my baseball horizons exponentially broadened by this blog and I often found myself wondering if Robbie Cano was still my favorite player. He's a good looking guy, sure, but he doesn't have the personality of Manny, the idiosyncrasy of Ichiro, the eerily David Lynchian banality of Jeter or the Aw Shucks Midwestern-ness of Grady Sizemore and Casey Blake. Last night, as I watched a rebroadcast of the Yankees exhibition stadium opener against the Cubs (they have a real stadium opener against the Indians in two weeks), I almost groaned when Robbie came up for his first at-bat. Surely, he would strike out, let me down, and further expediate his exodus from my heart. Instead, HE HIT THE FIRST HOME RUN AT THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM! It was as if God himself were speaking to me through Robbie Cano's arm and saying, "Jenni, have faith." Thank you God, I will. ROBINSON CANO, EVEN IF YOU SUCK THIS YEAR, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAVORITE BASEBALL PLAYER.

Stand by Your Men: Rodruigez, Jeter and Cano

Derek Jeter looked like a faithful but tired old hound dog last night and I kept imagining a scene at the end of October wherein Joe Girardi holds a solemn press conference to announce that our beloved captain had played the entire season blind in one eye. And then everyone cries and Jeter comes out and says, "It's true...I've been blind since April, but I didn't want to distract anyone's attention away from what really matters...and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the fine sport of baseball." [Applause, cheers, crying and weeping] I think he hit a three-run home run today, though, so maybe his washed-upness is just my imagination.

Here are a few other assorted thoughts from last night:

1. The Yankees starting lineup was SO WHITE: Jeter, Damon, Teixera, Matsui, Cano, Nady, Ransom, Gardner. Cody Ransom and Brett Gardner look EXACTLY THE SAME. The difference, of course, being that only one of them was involved in a gory college bus crush that killed all of his team mates.

2. Mark Teixera looks kind of like a goon.

3. The new Yankee Stadium looks FUCKING AWESOME.

4. I miss hating on A-Rod.

5. Baseball is the best.

Numbers Don't Lie: The World Series Foretold

Like Sam, I'm totally stoked for the start of baseball season. In a little less than two weeks, I'll be in the bleachers of the new Yankee stadium eating overpriced snacks and watching Grady battle Robbie on the Jumbotron (these are $5 seats, so I'm keeping my expectations low). I'll be sure take detailed notes for a post-game blog analysis.

Additionally, I have an exciting group venture proposal to make. It involves unlimited hot dogs and our (collective) name in lights. Details forthcoming.

In the meantime, here is the much delayed summary of my pre-season attractiveness rankings. There are tons of statistical categories by which traditional baseball analysts assess and compare different teams and players, but Sam and I have really blazed a trail with our aesthete-metrics (or Grady-metrics, if you'd rather). Here's a quick overview of my methodology: each week, I focused on a specific division and rated each individual player's MLB Fantasy mugshot on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 denoting extreme optical offensiveness and 10 being the opposite of that. Each team was given a ranking based on the average score of their mugshot ratings.

As in real baseball, the American League did better than the National League. But not by much:


In the above graph (crappy Excel screenshot...sorry), division leaders are highlighted in blue for the American League and in red for the National League. Interestingly, while the three NL division leaders are clustered together at the top of their league, there's a bit of distance between the best teams from the AL East, West and Central. Good lord, what's happening out in the grain belt? Grady Sizemore must tower over his fellow Midwesterners like a gigantic, radiant king amongst trolls. Here's the list again, with divisional averages (winners in blue and peach):

The NL actually fares better than the AL, here. Although the AL East leads all of the other divisions by a strong margin, the NL West and the NL Central rank higher than their AL counterparts by about 0.3 points each. Here's how the playoffs would look:

AL Divisional Series: Indians v. Mariners; Yankees v. Orioles (WC)

It's pretty funny to note that, true to life, the wild card goes to the second place team in the AL East.

NL Divisional Series: Brewers v. Mets; Dodgers v. Giants (WC)

AL Championship Series: Yankees v. Mariners

NL Championship Series: Dodgers v. Mets

WORLD SERIES: Yankees v. Dodgers
(I'm not going to be obnoxious, so I'll let the Dodgers win one game instead of predicting a full-blown NYY sweep).

Ladies and gentlemen, as if there were ever any doubts, your 2009 World Series champions (not to be confused with your 2009 World Baseball Classic champions) are the NEW YORK YANKEES. [cue confetti, champagne, Jock Jams]

Here's how all of the teams stacked up:

Apparently, there hasn't been a Jock Jams or related-spinoff CD since 2000. Perhaps we should make our own Third Base or Bust Jock Jams compilation? Reeeeeeeee-mix!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NL West

Today marks the end of an ambitious six week journey through the mugshot library on MLB.com's 2009 Fantasy Preview. Thanks for sticking with us! I'll post a comprehensive review of my rankings later this week. Until then, here's the NL West.

Dominating the competition were the Los Angeles Dodgers, with a team average of 5.62.

Best of the West: Casey Blake (9), Matt Kemp (7), Manny Ramirez (8)

From what I've heard, people in L.A. really care about the way things look, so I guess it makes sense that they have attractive ball players. Matt Kemp's at some sort of awards show in his photo...I wonder if the Dodgers get invited to celebrity events all the time. I'm trying to imagine Casey Blake making small talk with Paris Hilton next to a heart-shaped swimming pool full of champagne and live goldfish...hmm...okay, same scenario except substitute Joe Torre for Casey Blake. Now we're talking.

And the Rest: Hong-Chin Kuo (4), Jonathan Broxton (3), Doug Mientkiewicz (4)

I bet these guys never get invited to Paris Hilton's heart-shaped champagne pool parties. Pop quiz: In the photo on the right, the baseball is flying a) towards Doug Mientkiewicz or b) out of Doug Mientkiewicz. I honestly can't tell.

Because 90% of everything in the West is in California, in second place we have the San Fransisco Giants with an average score of 5.03.

Travis Ishikawa (7), Emmanuel Burriss (7), Alex Hinshaw (7)

These Giants can only wish that they were these Giants, who are popularly known as the Yankees of Japan. Travis Ishikawa is half-Japanese, though, which I found interesting.

Randy Johnson (2), Sergio Romo (3), Tim Lincecum (3)

It's sort of a miracle that the Giants finished second with faces like this in their lineup. I really hate that video game commercial wherein Tim Lincecum walks around with his avatar. The part where they're in towels in the locker room with Randy Johnson is the WORST.

The Colorado Rockies came in third, scoring 4.75.

Rocky Mountain Highs: Dexter Fowler (7), Yorvit Torrealba (6), Carlos Gonzalez

Did you know that Dexter Fowler turned down Harvard to play for the Rockies? Maybe he thought he'd feel out of place. I tried to find a current photo of Harvard's baseball team, but got creeped out by the Go Crimson! website. This is because I am at least five years older than everyone in college and have no business trying to spy on their lives via their internet.

And Lows: Todd Helton (4), Sal Fasano (3), Brad Hawpe (4)

Given his long history of amazingly bad facial hair, Sal Fasano probably deserves his own post. Along those lines, you know things aren't going right if you could be the beard twin of Kevin Youkilis.

The Arizona Diamondbacks came in fourth with a team average of 4.62.

Ruling Arizona: Chris Young (8), Justin Upton (7), Stephen Drew (6)

Yes, that's Boss Man Jr. Upton's baby brother holding a bat like he wants to bash your head in with it. Meanwhile, it's nice to finally see a white dude giving props to God. Hey Jesus, Stephen Drew's dedicating that one to you.

D'backs: Luke Carlin (3), Chad Qualls (3), Brandon Webb (3)

These guys look like they just don't get it. Plus, they are wearing extremely ugly uniforms.

Finally, in fifth, we have the San Diego Padres, bringing us home with a score of 4.19.

Keepers of the Faith: Kevin Kouzmanoff (5), Chris Young (6), Adrian Gonzalez (6)

Other Brothers: Everth Cabrera (3), Matt Antonelli (3), Edgar Gonzalez (3)

I made these photo collages last week, but couldn't finish writing the post on Friday. Just now, I was like, "WTF Jenni, did you put a photo of Adrian Gonzalez in the hot AND not collage?" The answer is no! Adrian and Edgar are BACKYARD BROTHERS. Check it out:

After learning that, I started to wonder if Everth Cabrera was related to the NYY's Melky Cabrera. Melky's Wikipedia page seems to suggest not. I did discover that Melky has a son named Melky Jr. and that his favorite movie is Scarface. Uh huh.

So, that's it! The rankings are in and a winners list is forthcoming. I'm SO ready for this season to start....