Generally, I Tend to Like Photos Like These

I like photos of Roy Halladay smiling. They are just so bizarre. I also like photos of Cole Hamels looking thoughtful. I think my hands may be larger than his.


This isn't Derek Jeter's best side, but this photo is like some sort of Sebald-baseball mashup, which I like. Seeing weird stuff like this in the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery really makes my day.

Maybe I'll make my own Derek Jeter owl collage later today after the noisy plumbers leave.

I am extremely jealous that there are people out in the world taking close-up Instagram photos of Derek Jeter. This photo would be cooler with bird eyes, though.

Finally, look who's back:

If you don't like this photo, you are probably not a good person. It would be cooler with some dog eyes in the background, though.

Other Games, Other Teams

The Rays just lost their third game to the Rangers, making this post outdated. Still, for the sake of historical accuracy, I feel compelled to put it into the world so that I can devote my next post entirely to photos of Cole Hamels. Because they could be the LAST photos of Cole Hamels from this year. (Probably not.)

The Rangers beat the Rays 3-1. Pitches, hits, strikeouts, home runs, etc. I am not going to say anything more about this because I'm scared of karmic retribution. May every other team facing elimination tonight remain uneliminated.

The Brewers are up 2-0 on the Diamondbacks. As I've said, there are very few attractive players on the D'bags and they exist entirely on this blog's blind side. Win a game, okay? Everyone facing elimination remain uneliminated.

The Phillies are playing now, scoreless against the Cardinals in the third inning. Cole Hamels just bunted. The series is tied at 1 game apiece. Cole, I think you can win.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be cheering for Phillies' players anymore. I promise I will give you real baseball information starting tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a collage that the New York Times made about the postseason.

See? Even they put the D'back backwards.

Everyone Knew This Would Happen

The Phillies won the World Series NL East title last night. They celebrated by putting on Pizza Hut delivery hats and dumping Budweiser tall boys on their coaches, before retreating to their locker room and spraying champagne at each other. Everyone knew this would happen! In unexpected news, Roy Halladay smiled for the first time.

Top: Antonio Bastardo
Middle: Smug Cliff Lee
Bottom: Smiling Roy Halladay

I'm desperately trying not to be eliminated from the championship round of my Dynasty Keeper Fantasy Baseball League, and it looks like everything hinges on Cole Hamels having a good start today. I scoured the Yahoo! Sports MLB photo gallery for evidence of any drunken misbehavior on Cole's part last night, but found nothing. I now feel like I can relate to parents who use Facebook to make sure that their high-school-aged children aren't taking party drugs.

Happily, Cole was serving mixed green salads to his wife and her friends and was nowhere near any cheap champagne, high school drop outs or prescription drug abuse. Whew. And Cole, we both know that you're on my team for LIFE, so just try to do your best today please.

Look Now, Look Again

Here are some things I noticed while scrolling through the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery:

Successfully pitching his first complete game of the season did not change Roy Halladay's perpetually dour expression. The above photo made me think of this, for some reason:


It's Saint Sebastian! The patron saint of "soldiers, plagues, arrows, athletes/athletics/sports." I googled "patron saint of baseball" and this is what happened:

Thanks dude. Since we're on the subject of religion:

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I love thinking about what the Connecticut basketball player to A-Rod's right is texting in this photo. Doesn't A-Rod look like he's made out of plastic?


And finally, I swear that Derek Jeter is wearing bigger pants than normal:

See?

I did a few image searches for "Derek Jeter big pants" and "Derek Jeter tight pants" and "Is Derek Jeter wearing bigger pants than usual?" Which lead to this:

The internet...who knows why anything is the way it is. More Derek Jeter pants updates to follow.

Hatless

The Phillies did a pitcher presser on Monday to show off their "historic" rotation. Are they going to win the World Series? Yeah, maybe. Are they the best looking rotation in baseball? I don't think so, but Cole Hamels has really nice hair.

Joe Blanton. Ugh.

Signs of Life

Happy Valentine's Day! The curbside piles of frozen trash are finally melting in New York and the city's cold wave of mass seasonal depression seems to be peaking. Spring must be on it's way! And so, pitchers and catchers from across the globe have begun reporting to their team camps in Arizona and Florida. In celebration of the fact that BASEBALL SEASON IS COMING, here are some old photos of our favorite pitchers and catchers in sunny places, including some with palm trees.

Top Top: Roy Halladay, Fantasy Baseball All-Star
Top Bottom: Cole Hamels, Walking Purposefully
Bottom Top: Fans in sports shorts watch Mo run
Bottom Bottom: CC's new diet

I heard that CC Sabathia's already lost 25 pounds and that he expects to lose 5-10 more during spring training. According to this photo, his new nutritionist is a giraffe. GO YANKEES.

Top: Joe Mauer reading Proust
Bottom: Happy Tigers

I'm not a very dedicated follower of the central teams, so perhaps you can tell me two things. Does Joe Mauer live in Minnesota during the off-season? And who is that jumping person?

Pitchers and catchers in California have a nice life, year-round. They also enjoy dressing their rookies as Alpine women.

Top top: Chad Billingsley: Dodgers Right-handed Pitcher
Top Bottom: Clayton Kershaw in a dress
Bottom Top: Buster Posey in a dress
Bottom Bottom: Sports Celebrities...they're just like us!

If that isn't a photo of Tim Lincecum stoned in the hotel hot tub, I'll buy and mail everyone ten boxes of conversation hearts each.

Championship Series Weekend

Mark Teixeira, the Strangest Professional Athlete? The Strangest Man?

The American League Championship series began on Friday night in Texas, with Yankees ace C.C. Sabathia starting against the Rangers' C.J. Wilson, who was promoted from their bullpen at the beginning of this year. I was at the Real Estate show and had to follow the game by constantly texting Google for score updates, but felt confident that the Yankees, having swept Minnesota in the ALDS, would easily beat the Rangers, who struggled to stop the slumping Rays in five. After seeing the score go from 3-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers, I gave up on the game until the top of the eighth inning, when I was able to stand on a sidewalk behind the Real Esate van and watch the game through the window of a neighboring sports bar. There, amidst a sea of Manhattan girls puking and crying and falling over in their tall heels and shiny dresses, I stood in disbelief as the Yankees put up six runs in one inning and CAME ALL THE WAY BACK TO WIN THE GAME.

ALCS Game 1: Yankees 6, Rangers 5

Yankees lead series 1-0
W: Dustin Moseley (1-0), L: O'Day (0-1)
S: Mariano Rivera (1)
HR: NYY Cano (1), TEX Hamilton (1)

Top: A Frustrated CC
Bottom: MVP! MVP! MVP!

But then this happened....

ALCS Game 2: Rangers 7, Yankees 2

Series tied at 1
W: Colby Lewis (1-0), L: Phil Huhges (0-1)
HR: NYY Cano (2), TEX David Murphy (1)

This time, I was at work and had to watch the game on mute using TBS's ridiculous Hot Corner application, which consists of live feeds from six or seven different cameras planted around the stadium. While this provides great close up shots of Derek Jeter's ear and young children picking their noses in the stands, it gives absolutely no indication of what happens to a ball once it's put in play. Does someone catch it? Does it go over the wall? Does it collide with a bird mid-air or drop for a base hit or fall into the bullpen and get eaten by big fat Joba Chamberlain? TBS Hot Corner can't tell you.

Top: Sad Phil Hughes. Tall Derek Jeter.
Bottom: Elvis Andrus and Ian Kinsler low-five

I am going to watch Game 3 no matter what. I had Cliff Lee induced sleep terrors last night.

NLCS Game 1: Giants 4, Phillies 3

Giants lead series 1-0
W: Tim Lincecum (1-0), L: Roy Halladay (0-1)
S: Brian Wilson (1)
HR: SF Cody Ross (1 and 2), PHI Werth (1), Ruiz (1)

Holy shit, who is Cody Ross??? From watching these games, I learned that Cody Ross grew up wanting to be a rodeo clown. I think he used to be a Florida Marlin? Other than that, I'm not sure why or how these home runs keeps happening.

Top: I love photos like this.
Middle: The Freak, The Franchise, The Freaky Franchise
Bottom: What's a Cody Ross? THAT.

I've had a hard time understanding my feelings about this series. I think it would be easier for the Yankees to beat the Giants in the World Series, and I like Tim Lincecum and Buster Posey and Fat Panda Sandoval. But then again, I've paid so much attention to the Phillies this year that it's hard not to instinctively root for them. And I love Roy Halladay* and Cole Hamels. And if the Yankees don't make it to the World Series this year, I want the Phillies to win so that Halladay can finally get a championship ring. But if the Yankees do make it to the World Series this year, I want them to win, so that means I should be rooting for the Giants. But I hate Brian Wilson. But I hate Shane Victorino and Jayson Werth. But, but, but....

NLCS Game 2: Phillies 6, Giants 1

Series tied at 1
W: Roy Oswalt (1-0), L: Jonathan Sanchez (0-1)
HR: SF Cody Ross (3)

Top: Roy Oswalt ignores the "stop signal" and slides home safely.
Bottom: The Phillie Phanatic wearing a hat, a shirt, shoes and knee socks, but no pants.

To me, the most interesting part of this broadcast was when they showed the Phillie Phanatic driving Ryan Howard from the Eagles game to Citizen's Bank Ballpark. I think they were in a golf cart! Also Cody Ross hit another home run but the Phillies still won and I don't know how I felt about any of it.

Game 4 with Cole Hamels in San Fransisco starts on Tuesday afternoon.

*Did you know that Roy Halladay bought the Phillies Swiss watches after his perfect game? They were inscribed "We did this together. Thanks, Roy Halladay." I love him.

Playoffs Day 6 + 7

NLDS Game 4: Giants 3, Braves 2

Giants win series 3-1
W: Madison Bumgarner (1-0), L: Derek Lowe (0-2)
S: Brian Wilson (2)
HR: SF Cody Ross (1), ATL Brian McCann (1)

The Giants won this game and clinched the series on the road, despite douchey closer Brian Wilson walking two runners with no one out at the bottom of the 9th inning. Although this was San Fran's first Division title since 2003, their accomplishment was overshadowed by the fact that it was also Braves manager Bobby Cox's last game. He's been managing the Braves for the last 24 years! The Giants saluted him before going back into the visitor's clubhouse and spraying champagne everywhere. Baseball, always classy.

Top: Thanks Bobby
Middle: Bobby
Bottom: Ghost Bobby

ALDS Game 5: Rangers 5, Rays 1

Rangers win series 3-2
W: Cliff Lee (2-0), L: David Price (0-2)
HR: TEX Kinsler (2)

Cliff Lee dismantled the Rays at home, beating young starter David Price in their second match-up of the series and leading Texas to their first ever postseason title. Over a complete nine innings, Lee gave up just six hits and one run and struck out 11. Although, he did not strike out B.J. Upton three times, as predicted, he did break recently mulleted Evan Longoria's heart. Just leave Florida, Longoria. All of your teammates are doing it next year.

Texas cheering as Vladdy huff'n'puffs back home

Offensively, the Rangers profited from the strategic baserunning decisions / blind luck of Nelson Cruz and old-ass, bad-kneed Vladdy Guerrero, and a two-run homer in the 9th by diaper-autographing adult baby Ian Kinsler. After Cliff Lee got B.J. Upton to pop up to end the 9th inning, the Rangers ran out of their dugout, shrieking like harpies and hugged each other while jumping. The Rays just looked sad and disappeared. More extensive photographic evidence to come.

Meanwhile, the Phillies and the Yankees hung out and practiced.

Top: Cole Hamels, Roy Oswalt, Brad Lidge, Roy Halladay
Bottom: Jeter aiming for the sun

I did okay in my divisional predictions. I think I originally said Yankees in 4, Phillies in 3, Rangers in 4, Braves in 5, and one of those things came true. It's funny that the Yankees were the only team to clinch their divisional title at home-- a small kindness to the Twins and all other symbols of Midwestern decency, I suppose.

The Yankees will play the Rangers in Texas on Friday night for the beginning of the Championship Series.