What is this thing?

Apparently, its favorite book is Wuthering Heights.

Goodbye Tigers (by Jenni)*

I rationally know that I have no impact on the outcomes of Major League baseball games (this despite the emotional toll that Major League baseball outcomes regularly extract from me). That said, I can’t help but feel that some force in the universe has been punishing me for my postseason choices. I wanted the Yankees to win and they didn’t. I wanted the Phillies to win and they didn’t. I wanted the Diamondbacks to lose and they did, but that can be irrefutably attributed to the fact that they persist in wearing those awful uniforms and had nothing to do with me. I wanted the Tigers to win and they didn’t. I wanted the Brewers to win and…guess what…THEY LOST.

I watched Game 5 of the Tigers-Rangers series on our home television. To give you an idea of how old this television is, let me state that it belonged to Phil before he got the flat screen television that he eventually replaced with his current flat screen 3-D television. So, it’s old and our service is bad. Watching sports at my house can be an ordeal. Someone hits a baseball and its trajectory through the ballpark is abruptly replaced by a blue screen. Eli Manning throws a pass and the interception gets all pixelated. ( I hate it when I don’t get a clear view of his “OH MAN” face.) Watching sports at my house can also be surreal, especially during slow motion replays, highlight montages and other times when your brain isn’t trying to process information in real-time. Check out these images of FOX’s post-game programming:

Miguel Cabrera's interview...the bottom image reminds me of ninth-grade English class.

Justin Verlander reacting to Nelson Cruz's home run (1 + 2), then performing a victory dance (3).

The Tigers hit a single, a double, a triple and a home run in order in the sixth inning. The Detroit radio announcers referred to this as a "natural cycle." Amazing, right? I was rooting for this team and now they're gone. It doesn't matter if you can hit for a natural cycle. The universe will still make you lose to the Texas Rangers and no one will understand why.

Bye Tigers.**

*I hope that Kei will write a second Tigers post, which is why I'm signing this one as Jenni.
**I got this reprimand via text message last night:

Dont be a bitter baseball fan that likes the Yankees! It's unbecoming

A correction in attitude and related blog post is in the works. While we're still being real, though, I HATE the Rangers and...for reasons I don't understand...I HATE the Cardinals too.

Cole Hamels May Never Win Again

For about a month now, I've been obsessed with Cole Hamels' next win. When will it ever come? Did you know that he's 7-11 for the season and broke his seven game losing streak tonight by earning a NO DECISION against the ASTROS? The Phillies have scored ONE RUN over his last TWENTY-SIX innings.

The saddest part is that his pitching has been 90% okay and 10% very good. Cole, I'm sorry, but it's obvious that your teammates hate you.


At this point, even the internet hates you. When I Google imaged "Cole Hamels," this is what happened:

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Oh Cole, what are you going to do if you go winless through September? What are you going to do if you somehow make the playoffs and still can't get any run support?

I have an idea. I have two ideas, even. One is move to New York and play with the Yankees. The other is move to a tropical moon deep in outer space and become the first human transplant to the Alien Baseball League.

Because, like Kei and Lil Wayne said last year, they sent us Nick Swisher and it's time to return the favor.

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:)

The moon, Cole, the moo-oo-oon.

You Win Some, You Lose Some...Unless You're on the Phillies

Dear Roy Halladay,

Of course we're all only humans who make mistakes and feel sad and get steamrolled by the Yankees, but remember when you pitched for the Blue Jays and games would move in double-time because no one in the Bronx could touch you? I'm sorry that you signed your life away to that band of uncouth losers who don't groom and can't score and use Ben Fransisco as their designated hitter. I'm sorry that playing in the National League has made you soft and beatable. I'm sorry that we won't see you in the World Series. I hope you're not too depressed. I'm confident that you'll do better next time. I still think of you very affectionately and will wear my Phillies hat on your game days.

Love,
Jenni


Dear Mark Teixeira,

Why are you so, so strange? What are you doing in this photo? Why is your face the way it is?

I'll never understand,
Jenni

Travis Thechimp Mets Uniform

I take great pleasure in reading through the search terms that lead people to this blog. Sometimes, they make sense. Last month, for example, people arrived at Third Base or Bust by searching for "kinsler baby faced hamilton house bud lite" and "pictures of jose reyes crying." There were a lot of inquiries combining the words "cocaine" with "Darryl Strawberry" (thanks Paul) and "Montreal Expos" (thanks Matt). Many other people wanted to know if Scott and Grady Sizemore are brothers (THEY'RE NOT, OKAY? I WAS WRONG). And, of course, the steady stream of those seeking "Mark Teixeira weird face" photos continued.

After reading through all of these reasonable gateway words, I was thoroughly baffled by a phrase at the very end of the list: "travis thechimp mets uniform." Travis the chimp Mets uniform? It took me about ten minutes of futile memory scanning and 25 seconds of Google searching to remember the post I wrote about a Connecticut housechimp that had to be gunned down by local police after going berserk in February of 2009. I don't know if this is Travis, but for the one person in the universe who visited our blog hoping to find a photo of a chimp in a Mets uniform, your search is over:


To the person who wanted to find "third base or die blog," well, we're not quite ready to get that extreme. Check back next year. And to the person who long-ago searched for "the past is always with us," are you my Bergson-reading, life-fearing, yak-dragging, sports-loving psychic other? Or did you click on the search link and immediately wonder, "WTF, Derek Jeter??!?!"

Cleveland, Honestly...

It's a long-haired magenta carpet monster with yellow splotches standing next to a lady hot dog in a ruffled tube top and an apron. Nevermind your questionably offensive team logo, WTF are your mascots? Cleveland...Grady....Cleveland...anyone?

Despite October Irrelevance, BJ Upton Still Annoying

Yesterday, Bossman Junior Upton became the first Tampa Bay Ray to hit for the cycle.  Despite quite liking the below photograph, I find him endlessly irritating.  Didn't help that dude got two hits off big-double-C on what was supposed to be his 20-win night.  Ugh. So annoying.  I may not be able to watch the rest of the Yankees' regular season if the non-awfulness of B.J. Upton continues.

But oh, what's that below? The Dodgers storming the NL West castle and taking the crown? Nah.  That's just them losing to the Rockies.  Who are now only one game back.  Also pictured is Matt Kemp throwing a temper tantrum after being called out at first base. 

I'm really having a hard time with blogger's new post editor.  Sometimes the internet gets me down.

DEREK HELP! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON-- IN THE WORLD OR ON THIS BLOG.

Remaining Races, Head Cases

Last year, Joe Torre's Dodgers blazed through September, going 16-6 to clinch the NL West crown on September 26, 2008. Although they're guaranteed to return to the playoffs again this year, they've yet to clinch their division. Despite having played their last eight games against three of the weakest teams in the Major Leagues, the team that started the 2009 with the best record in baseball just can't get it done. Two games back are division rivals the Colorado Rockies, who the Dodgers will face in a three game home series this weekend. I have NEVER met ANYONE who supports the Rockies. COME ON DODGERS. EARN YOUR LOVE.

Here are some celebratory photos from last year to set the mood:



Still battling it out in the AL Central are Kei's beloved Detroit Tigers and Joe Mauer's wholesome Twinkies.

People have been talking about Joe Mauer becoming a Yankee in 2011. Sure, he's handsome enough to join the best looking team in baseball, but I have complicated feelings about this.

Let's talk about something else, now:

Book: Williams' head abused at facility

Associated Press

NEW YORK -- The New York Daily News is reporting that Red Sox Hall of Famer Ted Williams' severed head was mistreated at an Arizona cryonics facility, according to details from a new book.

In "Frozen," Larry Johnson, a former executive at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz., writes that Williams' head, which had been severed and frozen for storage, was abused at the facility. Johnson claims a technician took baseball-like swings at Williams' frozen head with a monkey wrench.

Williams, the last player to hit over .400 in a season, died in 2002 at age 83 and had his remains sent to Alcor for cryogenic storage in the hope that future generations would develop the technology to revive him.

Copyright 2009 by The Associated Press

I had to copy and paste that directly from ESPN because no summary on my part could do it justice. WTF, human beings? Why are we like this?

We Can't All Be Winners: Elimination Edition

While the regular season is still a week-and-a-half away from completion, some teams have already been eliminated from post-season contention. I wonder how the players in those clubs feel. Are they crushed by the disappointment of having missed a/yet another playoff berth? Or do they feel liberated from expectations and eager to turn their attention towards their golf swings and Fantasy Football teams (as far as I can tell, 90% of Major League Baseball Players play Fantasy Football)?

As of today, here's a list of teams that have been eliminated from winning their division, followed by a list of teams that have been eliminated from the wild card race. Team names in bold have been eliminated from both. STICK A FORK IN THEM, THEY'RE DONE.

Teams that Have Been Eliminated from Winning their Division:

AL EAST:
Tampa Bay
Toronto
Baltimore

Don't worry, Dioner. It's not over...yet. (Okay, it's probably over.)

AL CENTRAL:
Cleveland
Kansas City

AL WEST:
Oakland

NL EAST:
New York
Washington

NL CENTRAL:
Houston
Cincinnati Pittsburgh

NL WEST:
San Diego Arizona

Teams that Have Been Eliminated from Winning the Wild Card:

AMERICAN LEAGUE:
Chi White Sox
Oakland
Toronto
Cleveland
Baltimore
Kansas City

NATIONAL LEAGUE:
Cincinnati
San Diego
Arizona
NY Mets
Pittsburgh
Washington

Sorry Mr. Met, it's definitely over.

By contrast, if the Yankees win and the Rangers lose, the Yanks may become the first team to clinch a playoff spot today. Mark Teixeira almost hit THREE HOME RUNS last night. GO YANKEES!

Finally, I'm happy to report that my Fantasy team, Ladies Love Us, contrary to all of my dark imaginings, continues to fight. Whether or not there is another week of Fantasy Baseball is a source of much confusion in my life, at the moment. Sometimes I think yes. Sometimes I think no. My inability to read a calendar, to mentally follow the progression of a flow-chart and to process numerical information has greatly contributed to my uncertainty of what may or may not happen next week. Eh.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours, to see.
Que Sera, Sera


What will be, will be.

Heavy Breathing Best Batting Friends Forever

Since A-Rod's return, Mark Teixiera has been swinging a bat as hot as hellfire. If I were a diligent stats-keeper or a smart Googler, I'd prove it with numbers. As it stands, you're just going to have to trust me. Here's the power-hitting duo hanging out on Memorial Day.


Jesus Christ, A-Rod. Could you be any more frightening? I bet his inner monologue is just one long hiss of "MUSSSSST WINNNNs." Teixiera, on the other hand, always seems to be thinking, "Huh?" Looking at him makes me feel kind of uncomfortable...as if I can sense somewhere deep in the recesses of my rarely consulted moral core that I shouldn't make fun of him as much as I know I want to (i.e. tons). I will, however, make fun of him a little bit because, come on, HE IS WEIRD! Here's two fairly recent photos of him getting ready to bat. Is he dancing? Playing air guitar? You tell me.



Earlier this year, I wrote a post about Manny Ramirez and Mark Teixeira and Phil commented that Teixeira looked like he "breathed through his mouth." You may be on to something, Phil, because, like that one gas station in Grinnell, Teixeira's mouth is Almost Always Open. "HUH?"

And finally, because I have no qualms whatsoever about hating on A-Rod, here's one more photo of him looking absolutely ridiculous as he rounds the bases in Texas.

SO, SO EVIL! A-ROD IS EVIL. GO YANKEES. KEEP WINNING. Fellow Yankee fans, someday we'll all be in Hell and A-Rod will be our cruel king.

A Comedic Interlude

Sometimes, you can find things on the internet that just blow your mind.

Seriously, that's Derek Jeter on Saturday Night Live with JIMMY FALLON (star of the VERY underrated baseball movie, Fever Pitch). You can watch a really crappy someone-recording-their-television YouTube video of "Derek Jeter's Taco Hole," here, if you'd like. Warning: it didn't make me laugh. It just made me REALLY CONFUSED.

Anyway, here's Jimmy Fallon being a baseball fan in real life. Not sure what's going on in this photo, either.


Man, I love Jimmy Fallon but why'd Hollywood have to make him a RED SOX FAN? DUDE IS FROM NEW YORK. Not cool. I am never looking at the internet after 1am ever again. It just makes me too upset.

DUTCH STEW INDIES*

Yesterday evening, the Netherlands rebounded from an 0-1 deficit in the 11th inning to defeat the heavily favored Dominican Republic 2-1 in the Pool D elimination round of the World Baseball Classic. What an upset! Whereas the Dominican roster is studded with Third Base or Bust favorites (Robbie Cano, Big Papi, Jose Reyes, Hanley Ramirez) as well as some very reputable MLB players (same list, minus Cano, plus the entire pitching staff), the Netherlands have Sidney Ponson and Randall Simon...aka "that guy who knocked down the Italian Sausage in the 2003 Milwaukee Sausage Race" (more about this later).

Winning Isn't Everything (But It's Way Better Than Losing):
José Reyes and Robinson Cano brooding on the bench after the DR's elimination

Having spent the morning reading about the history of baseball in the Netherlands, I can now expertly vouch that there is NO LOGICAL OR HISTORICAL REASON for their victory. Here are some interesting facts about baseball (or "honkbal") in the Netherlands, though:

1. Baseball was introduced to the Netherlands in 1911 by J.C.G. Grasé, who observed the sport while on vacation in America.



2. In 1925, a team composed of visiting U.S. naval officers defeated the Dutch club, "Blue White," 27-2.

3. The Dutch Major Leagues are called the "Honkbal Hoofdklasse." Teams playing at this top level of competition include: the SV ADO (Den Haag), the Amsterdam Pirates (Amsterdam), the Corendon Kinheim (Haarlem), the DOOR Neptunus (Rotterdam), the Instant Holland A90 (Almere), the Konica Minolta Pioniers (Hoofddorp), the Sparta-Feyernoord (Rotterdam), and the Mr. Cocker HCAW (Bussum). Mr. Cocker is the dog proprieter of this restaurant, it seems.

4. There is a Dutch Baseball and Softball Museum.

5. The 2009 national team wears orange hats. Their next game will be tonight at 5:30pm against Puerto Rico.

Yeah, I did that. What up?

But anyway, back to the sausages. I'm tempted to copy and paste the entire Wikipedia page on the Milwaukee Sausage Race here, but, well, instead I'll just strongly recommend it. I am going to copy and paste the section entitled, "Randall Simon Incident," because it's just too good to excerpt:

On July 9, 2003, Randall Simon, then the first baseman of the Pittsburgh Pirates, hit the head of a runner's costume with a baseball bat. The tap didn't hit the human head of Mandy Block who was wearing the Italian Sausage costume, but it did knock her over, and she took the Hot Dog down with her. The Polish Sausage helped the Italian Sausage up and all sausages finished the Race. Simon was arrested and paid a fine, and was suspended by Major League Baseball for three games. He later apologized. Block asked only that the offending bat be autographed and given to her. Simon obliged. Since that incident, T-shirts and other memorabilia popped up with the now infamous words, "Don't whack our wiener!"

Simon was traded to the Chicago Cubs later that season (for reasons unrelated to the incident). He returned to Milwaukee with the Cubs for a series against the Brewers. During the first game, Simon's teammates playfully held him back as the sausages raced past their dugout, and manager Dusty Baker guarded the bat rack. In that same game, Simon purchased Italian sausages for a randomly chosen section of the crowd.

On October 1, 2008, the Brewers traveled to Philadelphia to play the Philadelphia Phillies in Milwaukee's first post-season game since the 1982 World Series. In the middle of the 6th inning, three feebly dressed sausages appeared from the left field gate of Citizens Bank Park in what proved to be a mockery of the Miller Park tradition. The three sausages were then accosted by the Phillie Phanatic at home plate to the delight of the Phillies fans. Simon, who played for the Phillies in 2006, was invited back and received loud cheers as he hit the fake sausages with a large plastic bat. Most fans understood the reference, and laughed that Simon was invited back for the gag.

Okay, here's a video!

*Remember that crossword puzzle? Hahahahahaha.