How Things Make Me Feel

This depresses me:

But this scares [the shit out of] me:

Those are two things that I feel.

A No Longer Breaking, but Still Upsetting Hair Alert: Cole Hamels's Goatee Part III

Yes, Cole Hamels still has his goatee. Moreover, Cole Hamels's goatee has a chatty twitter account. Here's an iPhone photo I took of a professional photograph, followed by something clever I thought to do while trolling the internet for more professional photographs of Cole Hamels's goatee:

ENLARGE IT. They're twins. Cole won another game today. I'm not crediting the goatee. He's just good at baseball.

All of the Feelings I've Ever Had About Dan Haren Made Public to the Internet

Transcription of an email conversation dated August 5th, 2009

MBW: You'd make a cute couple, you and Dan Haren.
JCW: Me and Dan more so than other players that have appeared on the blog? Just out of curiosity.
MBW: Yeah-- I see that having more of a future than anything else.
JCW: It's the beard and the unkempt hair, isn't it?
MBW: And I can see the two of you enjoying the quiet times better than most.
JCW: Good, give him my number the next time you're in AZ, please.
MBW: Will do. He's a friend of a friend.


And so, for almost a year, I've been secretly waiting for Dan Haren to call me and even more secretly imagining our blissfully quiet future of desert sunsets, endless AriZona Iced Teas and walks amongst the blossoming cacti. Nevermind that Haren didn't make either of my two 2009 Top Ten Favorite Player lists. When an ex-boyfriend declares someone your baseball soulmate, you have to listen. I mean, who knows you better? Who else has the optimization of your personal happiness so clearly at the forefront of his possibly guilt-ridden brain?

Okay, I'm lying. I hadn't really thought much about Dan Haren until last week, when the Yankees were rumored to be negotiating a trade to help tide the temporary loss of Andy Pettitte (groin). At first, I thought it'd be nice for him to come to New York because 1) he would raise the general attractiveness of the Yankees and 2) I remembered that Matt had promised to give him my phone number. But then I thought about this and reconsidered:

As much as I want the Yankees to buy every famous player in the Major and Minor Leagues, Dan Haren wouldn't be a good fit for New York. That said, hearing that he'd had been traded to the Angels over the weekend made me really angry. THE ANGELS? That team is as corporate and boring and evil as the Yankees but without the tremendous benefit of being the Yankees. I hate the Angels! Dan Haren should be somewhere where he can feel at peace with the universe...like on the bench next to transcendental Barry Zito and slacker Tim Lincecum or wandering aimlessly through the canyons of the Southwest as a free-spirited free agent.

I have nothing more to say about this topic. These are all of the feelings I've ever had about Dan Haren and now they are here on the internet forever.

Memorial Madness

I'm going to adopt a loose definition of "Memorial Day Weekend," and rewind the blog back to Thursday night when I waited through a windy two-hour rain delay to see Cole Hamels pitch at CitiField. He lost. He wasn't that great, but the Phillies scoring ZERO runs over 27 innings didn't help much either.

C-Hamels looks kind of like the male "dating model" from the Amazing Race.

That same night, Kei's favorite baseball player hit three home runs and my favorite player hit a grand slam. Baseball Twins SPORTS FEELINGS!!!

Top: Lord Miggy collecting a low-five from Brennan Boesch;
Bottom: BEST SMILE IN BASEBALL

On Saturday afternoon, A-Rod almost killed Indians starting pitcher David Huff. Then, the Yankees/Joba Chamberlain blew a six-run lead to lose 11-13.

I'm exaggerating. David Huff is fine, not almost dead. Also, A-Rod said he felt bad.

Also on Saturday, Angel Kendry Morales hit a walk-off grand slam against the Mariners, then immediately broke his leg in the on-field celebration. The next night, Angel Howie Kendrick hit a walk-off home run against the Mariners. No injuries resulted.

Get better soon, Kendry!

As I mentioned, Derek Jeter celebrated his 15-year anniversary this weekend. Rookie Jeter looks like a baby ostrich. Present-day Jeter hit a double. I already told you about what Roy Halladay did on Saturday night. I spent three hours drawing nine pictures of Doc Halls this afternoon. They're all pretty weird.

Never treat your life like a used t-shirt and never, never, never give up.

I don't remember what happened on Sunday, other than that the Yankees won. Apparently, I also don't remember what happened on Friday.

On Monday, everyone wore white hats to pay tribute to American soldiers. All of the teams that wear white uniforms looked like milk men. Handsome Tiger Justin Verlander lost his game. Conversely, crazy Colorado Rockie Ubaldo Jiminez pitched a complete game shut-out against the Giants. His ERA is something inhuman like 0.970 right now.

Top: Okay, maybe more like an ice cream man?
Bottom: If I saw those eyes staring directly into mine, I'd strike out, too.

I'm currently watching the D-bag v. Dodger game and have a few pieces of trivia to report:

1. Casey Blake's beard is back and it's GRAY.
2. Manny Ramirez has never homered on his birthday. He has homered 8 times (counting tonight) on the day after his birthday. Happy 800th Birthday, Man Ram!
3. The Diamondbacks' first baseman owns a ranch and brands his cattle with the phrase "E3." ERROR ON THE FIRST BASEMAN. Does this scare anyone else?
4. Man, Vin Scully knows everything...college GPAs, player hobbies and nicknames, the body counts of every major war since the American Revolution...if you haven't watched him call a game, I highly recommend it.
   

That's all! Happy Memorial Day! Goodnight!

My favorite Matsui photo

"TEMPE, AZ - MARCH 12: Hideki Matsui #55 of the Los Angeles Anaheim reacts as the fence holding back fans breaks before the MLB spring training game against the Chicago White Sox at Tempe Diablo Stadium on March 12, 2010 in Tempe, Arizona. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)"

HE LOOKS SO CONCERNED!

Postseason Banter

I miss this sight.

A couple of nights ago, in bed and on my iPhone, I watched a condensed Marlins game from May or June, in which Dan Uggla hit his 100th home run. I realized late in the season that the Florida announcers say of him every time he goes long, "And his name is DAN UGGLA!" One announcer starts the sentence and the other joins to say the name. I kind of fell in love with this tomfoolery*. It's reminiscent of Hawk's White Sox home run cheers, except Steve Stone doesn't join him for the "yes! yes! yes!" part like Darrin Jackson used to. Anyway, my point is that I miss the days where I had a choice of which crappy teams to fall asleep to in condensed game format.

I was hoping for a Freeway Series where LA would be the focus of the World Series. Initially, exhausted from fantasy drama, I wasn't interested in the postseason teams. But then I decided I had the most interest in the Angels because of Nick Adenhart. Alas, the World Series will be divided along the east coast, and as of now, I can only really root for individual players: Jenni's Cano, former White Sox Swisher, Japanese Matsui, CC "He's 300 pounds, he can pitch all day!"** Sabathia, and J-Rolls only because I saw adorable childhood photos in those "Beyond Baseball" commercials. But then it looks like I'm basically rooting for the Yankees, which I guess in a sense I am since I want to see many of them do well. But I also don't feel like I'm genuinely rooting for the entire team, either, which would be unfair--to the Yankees, real Yankees fans, my preferred teams, and so on. I think at this point I'm just thankful that baseball is still going on, even if it means setting Glee aside for two weeks.

Though, I will say in defense of the Yankees that accusations of them having "bought" the World Series are trite. The Yankees are the Kraft of baseball; I thought this was an obvious axiom in sports and it's so obnoxious that it comes up again and again, whether the Yankees win or lose. But along with those who are tired of seeing the Yankees succeed over the course of baseball history (or many of the same teams reappearing in postseasons as of late), I will say that I can't wait until some buster team blows up in the second half of a future season and surprise us all by taking the World Series. Pirates, Reds, Marlins anyone?

GO BASEBALL! And Jenni's awesome postseason journalism!

*"Right before Uggla's first season with Florida in 2006, the Marlins had a dinner/banquet function to introduce the players for the upcoming season (and to raise money). Upon introducing Uggla, the speaker mispronounced his name. Immediately, Dan's brother stood up from the back and shouted 'His name is Dan UGGLA!'" (sufficient source)
**Writing this phrase out doesn't do it justice. Please ask me in person to impersonate a man named Amit claiming, in a heated argument with Joe, that CC Sabathia is a better pitcher than Tim Lincecum and I will gladly comply.

Championship Series Days 7 & 8: It's Only Half Bad, Los Angeles

NLCS MVP and nice guy, Ryan Howard

NLCS Game 4: Phillies Go the Distance
Phillies 10, Dodgers 4
Philadelphia wins series in 4
W: Durbin (1-0)
L: Padilla (0-1)

HR: LAD Ethier (1), Loney (2), Hudson (1)
PHI: Werth x 2 (3), Feliz (1), Victorino (1)

I was out last night with no cellphone reception at Sam (not Weber) and Jamie's super great CMJ showcase, so beyond the basic fact that the Dodgers are now done for the year, I really have no idea what happened in this game. The ESPN.com gallery is full of obnoxious photos of Jayson Werth (smoking cigars, taking champagne showers, hitting TWO HOME RUNS), which I refuse to post here. After our tumultuous Fantasy Baseball relationship, I am so sick of Jayson Werth and his streaky production and his horrible facial hair. This guy has been my life's main antagonist since some time this summer and the thought of having to see him play in the World Series makes me pray even harder for a Yankee sweep.

Here's a photo of Casey Blake and Clayton Kershaw looking bummed. They were on my Fantasy team, too, but in a non-emotionally abusive way.

See you next season, friends. Now about that other L.A. team....

While watching tonight's Yankees-Angels game, I did an informal text survey (of Kei and Sam [Weber]) to see if Lackey v. Burnett was the ugliest starting pitcher match up of the post-season, so far. Both of them said "maybe." I'd have to go back and review all of the past games to be certain, but it's kind of hard to argue against:

Sam did an about face on Lackey's doughy visage, which he had previously called "likable," and proclaimed A.J. Burnett better looking. This was doubly surprising, given Sam's earlier distaste for Burnett and his ostrich hair, but we're all allowed to change our minds. As Kei noted, A.J. doesn't look nearly as much like a strung-out meth fiend with his hat off.

ALCS Game 4: Yanks Leave the Door Open
Angels 7, Yankees 6
Yanks lead series 3-2
W: Jepsen (1-0)
L: Hughes (0-1)
S: Fuentes (1)

Some things I've noticed from watching this series on FOX:

1. Joe Girardi does not emote. Possibly evil.
2. Scott Boras is always on the phone. Definitely evil.
3. John Lackey sounds like an inarticulate muppet.
4. There is a new kind of CIALIS for daily use, as opposed to the regular 36-hour kind.
5. Torii Hunter is super funny.
6. Jeter has a cold.
7. The Black Jack taco is not something I want to eat.
8. Toyota is the official car of BOTH the Giants and the Jets...further to that, Eli Manning is way more charming than Mark Sanchez.
9. Ozzie Guillen is going to do commentary on the World Series.

This game was nuts. I don't want to recap it because I still can't wrap my head around the fact that we lost. Here's some photos.

A-Rod and Teix: Just Another Night of the Weird Twins Acting Weird

I told you Melky got evil. Smiling Cano less bratty than Tuesday.

I LOVE TORII HUNTER!

I'm actually not that upset about this series coming back to the Bronx. New York always feels better when the Yankees are in town. Jeter makes the sun shine brighter. It's going to be a long winter once he goes back down to Florida.

Game 6 will be on Saturday night. Go Yankees!

Championship Series Day 6: Thanks, A-Rod!

The Yankees were pretty great tonight and A-Rod was amazing, going 3-4 with a home run, two RBIs, three runs, and a stolen base. With his October bat finally on fire, he's been looking more ghoulish than goofy these days. There's something almost three-dimensional about the above photo (taken from the happily revived and thriving Yahoo! Sports MLB photo gallery) and I don't doubt that tonight I'll have nightmares about A-Rod stepping out of my computer screen and murdering me in my sleep. That's okay. As long as he keeps us marching down the road to World Domination, I won't complain.

ALCS Game 4: Bombers Flatten Anaheim Despite Pathetic Fireworks Rock Display

Yankees 10, Angels 1
Yanks lead series 3-1
W: Sabathia (2-0)
L: Kazmir (0-1)

HR: NYY Rodruiguez (3), Damon (2); LAA: Morales (1)

It's rude to make fun of the Angels, but their home run fireworks waterslide is lame. Not only does it smoke up the TV cameras, but it also makes the stadium look like baseball Disney Sea. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE DISNEY SEA...but as far as stadiums go, I much prefer the glorious mausoleum look (Yankee Stadium!). I maybe even prefer the cheesy suburban mall look (Citi Field). Besides, you shouldn't have to shoot explosives into the air to celebrate something as commonplace as a home run.

(I do, however, support Cleveland's practice of shooting off fireworks in between innings to keep birds off the field. GO AWAY! NO BIRDS IN BASEBALL!)

C.C. Sabathia was unbelievable on just three days of rest. Halfway through the game, Fox put up a hideous Sabathia caricature, which was accompanied by three "personality" tidbits. The first two were about football and the third said, "He used to have an imaginary friend named Danny." They should have also said, "He has a beautiful speaking voice," because during his post-game interview I kept thinking about how blissful it would be to fall asleep to an audiobook of him reading Moby Dick. Why Moby Dick? I dunno. Maybe because C.C. weighs 290 lbs, but maybe just because that book is a major snooze.

Moving on.

Watching this game also taught me that Melky Cabrera has transformed from a lovable chipmunk to a hate-eyed demon and that Robbie Cano is becoming an awful brat. Granted, even creaky-kneed Posada should have been able to score from second on the double that Robbie hit to deep center in the fifth, but look at him just not giving a shit after not getting tagged out at third base later that inning. Dude, you were out. You didn't even TRY to step on the base. Stop looking so smugly disinterested and GROW UP.

Oh, Figgins looks mad! Robbie, I love you forever, but your attitude is embarrassing.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when the Dodgers attempt to stay alive. Should be a good one.

Day 5: RALLY MONKEY

BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF THE RALLY MONKEY!? Jeter does. Torii does. Now, I do, too:

ALCS Game 3: RALLY MONKEY DOES IT AGAIN

Angels 5, Yankees 4
Yanks lead series 2-1
W: Santana (1-1)
L: Aceves (0-1)

HR: NYY Jeter (2), Rodruiguez (2), Damon (1), Posada (1)
LAA: Kendrick (1), Guerrero (1)

NLCS Game 4: Dodgers Shocked in Ninth

Phillies 5, Dodgers 4

Phils lead series 3-1

W: Lidge (1-0)

L: Broxton (0-1)

HR: LAD Kemp (1); PHI Howard (2)

THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS.

The Dodgers are in the hole 3-1, but hey, Casey Blake hit a single! Will someone in L.A. please abduct the Rally Monkey and FedEx him to Dodger Stadium?

Champsionship Series: Days 3 & 4

I watched about half of Saturday's Yankees-Angels match-up before going to see Nomar-Garciaparra-double/musician Josh Kolenik and Small Black play at Death By Audio. Thankfully, I was able to stay emotionally and informationally invested in the game, due to real-time updates from Paul's brother's TiVo, Twitter and MLB.com's "At Bat 2009" iPhone application. Yes, I am currently that annoying person that needs to check sports scores constantly regardless of the social appropriateness of that action. Sorry guys, but Saturday was a nail-biter.

Vladdy Strikes Out Swinging
ALCS Game 2: OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT! Yanks Ice Angels in Extra Innings

Yankees 4, Angels 3

Yanks lead series 2-0

W: Robertson (1-0)

L: Santana (0-1)

HR: NYY Jeter (1), Rodruiguez (1)

Top: Aybar argues; Melky safe at second
Middle: A-Rod and Mo collide
Bottom: Mark Teixiera [insert your favorite ass joke here]

From the New York Times:

Hairston entered the game as a pinch-hitter for Freddy Guzman, facing Ervin Santana. After Brett Gardner’s sacrifice, the Angels walked Robinson Cano intentionally, bringing Melky Cabrera to the plate.

Cabrera bounced a ball to the left of Izturis, the second baseman. Trying for the inning-ending double play, he whirled and whipped an off-balance throw to second, nowhere near shortstop Erick Aybar. It skipped on the dirt toward third base, where Chone Figgins dropped it. Hairston, who had stopped running, raced home and slid for the winning run.

Jerry Hairston Jr. ends the game

It's a bit lazy to just cut and paste that end-of-game recap, I know, but it's more coherent than the stream of texts and tweets through which I experienced those last innings. Do you want to read this:

Text: 2 to 2 in the ninth

Text: Nooooooooooooooooooooo

Text: Still tied. Yankees up in tenth.

Text: Oh ononononononononono

Text: Oh, it's true

Text: Nooooooooo

And this:

"Music from Yankee Stadium...Pearl Jam's "Alive" into MJax's "Bille Jean." I think A-Rod is bobbing his head as he fields grounders at 3B" 4:51 PM Oct 17th from web (via @JackCurry1)

"Jeeeeeeter!" 8:53 PM Oct 17th from Twitterrific (via @jennicatherine)

"A-Rod again - what an October. Solo HR off 2009 MLB saves leader Brian Fuentes. #Yankees 3 #Angels 3 bottom 11th" 12:12 AM Oct 18th from web (via @mlb)

"Gaudin's the only relief pitcher left. Even @nickswisher is out of the game.12:26 AM Oct 18th from web" (via @TylerKepner)

OR DO YOU WANT TO READ FACTS?!

NLCS Game 3: FACT...the Dodgers got rocked.
Phillies 11, Dodgers 0

Phillies lead series 2-1

W: Lee (1-0)

L: Kuroda (0-1)

HR: PHI Werth (1), Victorino (1)

CLIFF LEE WAS AMAZING! I wish he still pitched for the Indians.

This game was annoying. Shane Victorino's in-game microphone was annoying. Shane Victorino's unnecessary three-run homer in the 8th inning was annoying. Phillies fans are annoying and rude and strange. See?

Top: Ugh. Middle: Ugh. Bottom: Cool!

I watched this game with Dodgers fan John, who was also pretty angry at the Phillie's shut-out smack-down. He was, however, super into the home plate umpire's outfit. And Casey Blake's beard. BUT WHO ISN'T.

Ugh. I can't think about this game anymore. Let's just cross our fingers and hope that all goes well for the Yanks and Dodgers today.

Championship Series Day 2: Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

Believe it or not, those are all examples of C.C. Sabathia's celebratory stance.  Our cheerful ace deserved these self-felicitations, allowing just 4 hits and 1 run in 8 innings while striking out 7 in the Yankees 4-1 victory over the error-ridden Angels.  The boys from Anaheim went from California cool to New York cold, failing to catch pop-flies and overrunning ground balls. 

Top: Good ole Vlad gives us a grin and a crazed look;
Bottom: Jeter in Darth Vader-esque death gloves, photos via @MLB.

ALCS Game 1: Evil Empire On the Move!

Yankees 4, Angels 1

Yanks lead series 1-0

W: Sabathia (1-0)

L: Lackey (0-1)

S: Rivera (1)

It was so cold and windy that a few would-be homers failed to leave the park.  Two of those belonged to Robbie Cano, who spent the game hiding behind a ski mask.

Raging A-Rod, on the other hand, was wearing short sleeves.  Here he is out at home after blatantly misreading or maybe just missing the third base coach's hand signals. Wow. If I were Angels catcher Jeff Mathis and I saw A-Rod barreling down the third base line at me for no reason, I'd be f'ing terrified.

Top: Execution by A-Rod; Bottom: "Oh what, no, seriously?!"

The best parts of that bottom photo are the three Yankee mouths.  You can practically hear what each player is thinking.  A-Rod: Oh what, no seriously? Posada: Idiot.  Damon: Huh, where am I?

It's okay Johnny, you got home safely.

Across the country in sunny Los Angeles, an eighth inning error by Chase Utley helped the Dodgers top the Phillies 2-1.

Chutley walking on air...er...error

NLCS Game 2: Dodgers Win!!!!
Dodgers 2, Phillies 1

Series tied 1-1

W: Kuo (1-0)

L: Park (0-1)

S: Mt. Broxxxxxxton (1)

HR: PHI Howard (1)

 Important Notice: Chan Ho Park is an Asian dude with a BEARD!

This game wasn't as exciting as one might think, given that Ethier walked in the go-ahead run with bases loaded in the 8th.  Or maybe I'm just saying that because I was on the subway when the Dodgers won.  Whatever.  A few people have pointed out that, as a Yankees fan, I should be hoping for the Phillies to take this series and logically, I can see their point.  But 1) you can't root against your heart and 2) THE YANKEES CAN BEAT ANY TEAM.