Memorial Madness

I'm going to adopt a loose definition of "Memorial Day Weekend," and rewind the blog back to Thursday night when I waited through a windy two-hour rain delay to see Cole Hamels pitch at CitiField. He lost. He wasn't that great, but the Phillies scoring ZERO runs over 27 innings didn't help much either.

C-Hamels looks kind of like the male "dating model" from the Amazing Race.

That same night, Kei's favorite baseball player hit three home runs and my favorite player hit a grand slam. Baseball Twins SPORTS FEELINGS!!!

Top: Lord Miggy collecting a low-five from Brennan Boesch;
Bottom: BEST SMILE IN BASEBALL

On Saturday afternoon, A-Rod almost killed Indians starting pitcher David Huff. Then, the Yankees/Joba Chamberlain blew a six-run lead to lose 11-13.

I'm exaggerating. David Huff is fine, not almost dead. Also, A-Rod said he felt bad.

Also on Saturday, Angel Kendry Morales hit a walk-off grand slam against the Mariners, then immediately broke his leg in the on-field celebration. The next night, Angel Howie Kendrick hit a walk-off home run against the Mariners. No injuries resulted.

Get better soon, Kendry!

As I mentioned, Derek Jeter celebrated his 15-year anniversary this weekend. Rookie Jeter looks like a baby ostrich. Present-day Jeter hit a double. I already told you about what Roy Halladay did on Saturday night. I spent three hours drawing nine pictures of Doc Halls this afternoon. They're all pretty weird.

Never treat your life like a used t-shirt and never, never, never give up.

I don't remember what happened on Sunday, other than that the Yankees won. Apparently, I also don't remember what happened on Friday.

On Monday, everyone wore white hats to pay tribute to American soldiers. All of the teams that wear white uniforms looked like milk men. Handsome Tiger Justin Verlander lost his game. Conversely, crazy Colorado Rockie Ubaldo Jiminez pitched a complete game shut-out against the Giants. His ERA is something inhuman like 0.970 right now.

Top: Okay, maybe more like an ice cream man?
Bottom: If I saw those eyes staring directly into mine, I'd strike out, too.

I'm currently watching the D-bag v. Dodger game and have a few pieces of trivia to report:

1. Casey Blake's beard is back and it's GRAY.
2. Manny Ramirez has never homered on his birthday. He has homered 8 times (counting tonight) on the day after his birthday. Happy 800th Birthday, Man Ram!
3. The Diamondbacks' first baseman owns a ranch and brands his cattle with the phrase "E3." ERROR ON THE FIRST BASEMAN. Does this scare anyone else?
4. Man, Vin Scully knows everything...college GPAs, player hobbies and nicknames, the body counts of every major war since the American Revolution...if you haven't watched him call a game, I highly recommend it.
   

That's all! Happy Memorial Day! Goodnight!

Now Cracks a Noble Heart

This is what I get for laughing so joyously at those photos of crying kids: Grady Sizemore of the hard-luck Cleveland Indians will miss the rest of the season to have arthroscopic surgery on his left elbow and also some sort of lower abdominal surgery.

Grady, just please have your breakout year before the world ends in 2012.

So sad. As I've frequently mentioned, I used our Fantasy League's #1 draft pick on Grady Sizemore. If I could go back in time and re-spend my golden ticket, would I now choose Albert Pujols and his 43 home runs? Joe Mauer and his .366 batting average? Prince Fielder and his 121 RBI?

NO WAY!

Sometimes, you just have to follow your heart...even if it lands you in fourth place. Feel better soon, Grady! Ladies Love Us loves you forever.

In other news, in case you haven't heard, the Yankees are still #1. They're so #1 that there most likely will not be another #1 this year. Sorry Red Sox. Sorry Dodgers. Sorry Angels. My team's just the best.

"I am almost the Yankees all-time hits leader.

My end of season highlight reels will make you weep."

Derek Jeter took a short break from his path to becoming the universe's most important baseball player to watch the Yankees squeeze just one hit from formerly floundering Blue Jay ace Roy Halladay.

LOOK AT HOW HARD HE PITCHED! It's nice to see Doc back on track. That said, even he can't stop us now. WE'RE GONNA WIN THE WORLD SERIES AND THE PARADE IS GONNA BE AWESOME.

15 Days of Grady-less Baseball

Major League Baseball and its television affiliates will experience a sharp drop in female viewership this week, as Grady Sizemore has gone on the 15-day DL* with a sore elbow. Here's a photo of Grady from Men's Vogue to help weather the drought (via):

Wow, he's cute. He should be on REAL television. Feel better, Grady! And please, upon your healthy return, see what you can do about a girl's Fantasy stats, eh? People make fun of me for having squandered my #1 draft pick on you, but I HAVE FAITH.

*That means Disabled List, Phil.

Groin Mishaps Plague Fantasy Pre-Season

Mordecai was kind enough to invite me to participate in his Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball league, and on Sunday we had our draft. Today, I logged into Yahoo! Sports to monitor the health of my players and was alarmed to see the following updates:

Fri, Feb 27 3B Casey Blake suffered a groin injury while running in the outfield after leaving the Feb. 25 Cactus League opener against the Cubs. The injury isn't believed to be serious, but Blake still felt discomfort as of the morning of Feb. 27. Manager Joe Torre said Blake would avoid all physical activity until the discomfort subsided.

Okay, okay, I know that's not how you get a groin injury,
but it's the best the internet could offer.

Fri, Feb 27 OF Grady Sizemore will not play for Team USA in the World Baseball Classic due to a sore left groin. "This was something I was looking forward to," Sizemore said. "I was excited to get a chance to play for my country."

Eyes on the Prize, Pain in the Thigh

During the draft, Paul* made a slew of disparaging comments about my decision to select Grady Sizemore in the first round. Among them were, "Who is Grady Sizemore? I don't even know who that is," and, "Is Grady Sizemore even good at baseball? Who IS HE?" and "I don't know why you chose that Grady Sizemore person. He's probably not good at baseball." Now, this blog may not typically address issues like "performance records" or "skill sets" or "statistics," but I'd like to take a moment to prove that Mr. Grady IS A VERY GOOD baseball player. From Wikipedia:

• 3x All-Star selection (2006, 2007, 2008)
• 2x Gold Glove Award winner (2007, 2008)
• Silver Slugger Award winner (2008)
• Led AL in runs in 2006
• Led AL in doubles in 2006

And from MLB.com (click to enlarge):


The text reads: With his combination of power, speed, on-base skills and durability, Sizemore is as close to the complete package as it gets in fantasy. The one thing the 26-year old doesn't do is hit for average, and even with his patient approach and improving K rate, he probably won't be much better in that department in '09. Regardless, this is a 30/30 player entering the prime years of his career. He'll be near the top of everybody's draft list, so you might as well give him a super-sized kiss goodbye if you opt for someone else in the first round.

Satisfied? My entire Top 5 got a super-sized kisses HELLO on Sunday, and frankly, in the aesthetic appeal category, we're unbeatable (I'll post the full roster soon, and maybe Kei, Joe and Mordecai can be convinced to do the same). Next on the agenda: learn how to play fantasy baseball. This will be an adventure!

*To be fair, Paul was actually very HELPFUL during the draft process. Thanks, Paul!