This is Not Good

This is the kind of picture that populates the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery these days:

Disorienting cropping, static straight-ahead camera angles, noticeable lack of Derek Jeter.  Who is this person?  Evan Longoria.  What does his hair look like? Indiscernible.  After all, what else could anyone possibly want to know about Evan Longoria? Nothing!

My quality of life directly correlates to the quality of the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. I may never know what anyone looks like again.  What will I put on this blog? Acrostic poems about my favorite athletes, I guess.  Here's my first two:

1.
Day after day,
Even when I am
Reasonably happy, I spend at least one minute thinking about how in-
Evitably, Derek Jeter is getting older.  It
Keeps happening.  There's no reason to take it personally. It's

Just something that is happening.
Every day,
The past gets larger and larger, like a floating yak that can't stop
Eating.  Someday this insatiable ghost yak, or whatever it is, will consume you.
Realistically, thankfully, I doubt that Derek Jeter has considered his spirit animal of death.

2.
Please be good at football this year.
Eli has already won two Superbowls.
You deserve another one,
Two, three, four
Or five...just kidding. You're probably too old for four.
Not that I know anything about the lifespans of professional athletes.

M
A
N
N
I also don't know why you're in that boring car commercial.
N
G

Someone please fix the Yahoo! Sports MLB Photo Gallery. Writing poetry is stupid and hard.

Derek Jeter Has Eli Manning's Phone Number

ESPN currently has an article about Derek Jeter and Eli Manning on its home page. In it, we learn that Jeter called Eli during Eli's rookie season, that Jeter is one of Eli's role models, and that Justin Tuck thinks that Eli is "more Jeter than he is Peyton."

If the internet can hold an unlimited number of images, why doesn't it have any photos of Derek Jeter talking on a cell phone? On a regular phone? Texting? Does Derek Jeter have an iPhone? The internet doesn't know.

So, what you get instead are photos of Derek Jeter sitting next to a closed laptop and Eli Manning going online to check himself out. Could Eli be doing that on his iPhone? The internet doesn't know. But it will tell you the answers to "How many playoff wins does Eli Manning have?" and "Why does Eli Manning have Down Syndrome?"

Information. It's non-stop and everywhere.

I'm having a great time imagining the way Derek and Eli's conversation looked and sounded. If you see me during the Super Bowl, I'll do a reenactment for you.