Playoffs Days 2.5, 3 and 4

Basically, the four teams playing in the National League Division Series are: 1) Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels v. the anonymous Reds and 2) Potential NL Rookie of the Year Buster Posey v. Potential NL Rookie of the Year Jason Heyward.

Buster Posey and Jason Heyward (with Buster Posey)...
Here's a cool New York Times story about them playing against each other as "schoolboys."

These West Coast games end so late and I owe you two stat lines on the Giants-Braves series in San Fransisco.

NLDS Game 1: Giants 1, Braves 0
W: Tim Lincecum (1-0), L: Derek Lowe (0-1)

NLDS Game 2: Braves 5, Giants 4 (in 11)
Series tied at 1
W: Kyle Farnsworth (1-0), L: Ramon Ramirez (0-1)
HR: ATL Rick Ankiel (1), SF Pat Burrell (1)

Most notably, Tim Lincecum struck out 14 batters in Game 1, and Fatty Panda Pablo Sandoval collided with baby Buster Posey in Game 2.

NLDS Game 2: Phillies 7, Reds 4
Phillies lead series 2-0
W: Jose Contreras (1-0), L: Aroldis Chapman (0-1)
HR: CIN Brandon Phillips (1), Jay Bruce (1)

I didn't watch this game either, but I heard it was sloppy. Here's fastest-pitch-ever-throwing Aroldis Chapman feeling sad about his first postseason appearance. He's only 22 and is listed as from "null, Cuba." What is "null, Cuba???"

Onto today's games...

ALDS Game 3: Rays 6, Rangers 3
Rangers lead series 2-1
W: Benoit (1-0), L: Oliver (0-1)
HR: TB Pena (1), Crawford (1), TEX Kinsler (2), Cruz (2)

Top: Texas closer Neftali Feliz after giving up a home run in the 9th inning
Bottom: B.J. Upton alone is 65% of why I can't stand the Rays

It looked, for a while, like Texas would win this game and sweep the Rays, but then that didn't happen. Bah Rangers. Boo Rays. I'm not cheering for either of these teams on principle, although it should be pretty obvious by now which team I REALLY hate.

ALDS Game 3: Yankees 6, Twins 1
Yankees sweep series 3-0
W: Phil Hughes! (1-0), L: Brian Duensing (0-1)
HR: NYY Thames (1), Swisher (1)

The Yankees come home.

Did anyone think that Minnesota could win at Yankee Stadium? I felt so sad for their starting pitcher, Brian Duensing (see below).

Sometimes, I think that it's not fair for the Yankees to be so successful and feel like it might be nice to let another team win the World Series this year. But then I remember how long the baseball season is and how sweet it is to spend all winter knowing that your team is #1. SORRY OTHER TEAMS. GO YANKEES!

Playoffs Day 2

Because I probably won't stay up long enough to tell you what happens in Game 1 of the Braves-Giants series in California, here's a recap of the two American League games that have already concluded.

Reigning Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum bumming
around in a much earlier time zone.

ALDS Game 2: Rangers 6, Rays 0
Rangers lead series 2-0
W: C.J. Wilson (1-0), L: James Shields (0-1)
HR: TEX Michael Young (1), Ian Kinsler (1)

Top: No other team's #2 is Derek Jeter
Middle: C.J. Wilson of the Texas Rangers
Bottom: Joe Maddon, Rays manager and eye-wear tastemaker, gets ejected
for trying to argue that his team isn't awful.

Maybe home field advantage doesn't mean anything when you play in a goofy dome and never sell out your games. After scoring just one run yesterday, the Rays were shut out by motor sports enthusiast C.J. Wilson and the Rangers' bullpen. They'll play their next game in Texas, where people actually like sports.

ALDS Game 2: Yankees 5, Twinzos 1
Yankees lead series 2-0
W: Andy Pettitte (1-0), L: Carl Pavano (0-1)
S: Mariano Rivera (2)
HR: MIN Orlando Hudson (1), NYY Lance Berkman (1)

Then again, the Minnesota Twins un-domed themselves this year and still got swept at home. Unlike the Rays, though, the Twins have a lot of fans and all of them were crying silent, Nordic tears by the 7th inning.

Top top: Carl Pavano used to look like an ordinary person.
Top bottom: Joe Mauer giving signs.
Bottom top: Handsome Andy Pettitte
Bottom bottom: Hell yeah, Curtis Granderson!

Carl Pavano's facial hair started getting really strange this year. I guess it helps him pitch, because he's been doing pretty well. Even with the help of a lucky mustache, though, it must be hard to go against a team that 1) has won almost three times as many World Series as any other team, 2) has a starting pitcher who's about to break the record for most-ever postseason wins, 3) has a closer who has already broken the record for most-ever postseason saves, and 4) used to pay you to get booed by its merciless fans. Sucks to be Carl Pavano. Sucks to be the Twins.

If nothing else, at least Twinkie-lovers won't have to watch their team get shut out of the ALDS at home this year. They'll have to watch it on TBS like every other baseball fan that couldn't afford to pay $89 to sit in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium.

The Mets should market the "watch baseball in New York" feel by selling tickets to watch home Yankee games on their Jumbotron. I would pay at least $25 to sit in one of those field level seats behind the dugouts, especially since they have A+ sports food. I would even pay $40 if they got actual people to stand on the field and mime the games in real time. Someone get Mr. Met on the phone and make this hapen.

Playoffs Day 1

ALDS Game 1: Rangers 5, Rays 1
W: Cliff Lee (1-0), L: David Price (0-1)
HR: Nelson Cruz (1), Bengie Molina (1), Ben Zobrist (1)

Cliff Lee had a great outing for the Rangers, but no one cares because later in the evening, Roy Halladay pitched a no-hitter for the Phillies. Doc walked one, preventing what would have otherwise been his SECOND perfect game of the season.

NLDS Game 1: Phillies 4, Reds 0
W: Roy Halladay (1-0), L: Edison Volquez (0-1)

This was his first-ever start in a post-season game. I am very, very afraid of the Phillies.

ALDS Game 1: Yankees 6, Twins 4
W: C.C. Sabathia (1-0), L: J. Crain (0-1)
S: Mariano Rivera (1)
HR: Michael Cuddyer (1), Mark Teixeira (1)

This was an unnerving game to watch, as the Twins held a 3-0 lead until a 4-run rally put the Yankees ahead in the 6th inning. Then, C.C. immediately loaded the bases and walked in the tying run. Mark Teixiera hit the go-ahead 2-run homer in the 7th inning and then everything was fine. This was the Twins' 7th consecutive postseason loss to the Yankees. 2010 SWEEP REDUX.

Why I Don't Think About Tulo

Call it superstitious, lazy or pathological, but I've never looked at a photo of Colorado's Troy Tulowitzki because I won't pay attention to any shortstop that isn't Derek Jeter. However, tonight while making a list of baseball players whose first and last names start with the same initial,* I decided that it was time.

While scrolling through the trove of Google image thumbnails, I felt overcome by a sadness that I quickly realized had nothing to do with young Tulo and his unremarkable appearance and everything to do with the inevitable decline of Derek Jeter. Things haven't been going well for DJ recently. Not only is he batting well below his usual average, but he's also failing to get the crucial game-changing hits that once earned him the nickname Captain Clutch.** Maybe it's just a bad year. That's okay. These come and go. It also happens to be the last year of his contract with the Yankees, and this fact has provided an irresistible news hook to what could have otherwise passed as a season as forgettable as Troy Tulowitzki's face.

Personally, I think that the end is still a long way off and that the near future holds at least two or three more truly great Jeterian years. Then, in his final season, the Yankees will win the World Series and even non-Yankee fans will cry because we'll all know that the team did it for him and that he did it for us. This kind of maudlin hokiness is exactly why people like sports. As W.G. Sebald once said:

It is a characteristic of our species, in evolutionary terms, that we are a species in despair, for a number of reasons. Because we have created an environment for us which isn't what it should be. And we're out of our depth all the time.... And I think there is no way in which we can escape it. The only thing that you can do, and that most people seem to be able to do very successfully, is to subdue it. And if you can do that by, I don't know, playing baseball or watching football on television, then that's possibly a good thing, I don't know.

What happens when the diversion from sadness and despair becomes its own source of sadness and despair remains to be seen. I'm a fairly new sports fan, and Derek Jeter will be my first sports hero to pass his prime, retire and eventually die. And then what will I do? Look at photos of the new nondescript shortstop who reminds everyone of Troy Tulowitzki in his prime? Or give in and write a book about walking around England, failed artificial lights, silkworm noises and driving on the wrong side of the road?


Or, do as I've grown accustomed to doing and continue to follow Derek Jeter's advice, which, of course, was always meant to be applicable beyond baseball: never treat your life like an old t-shirt. Not even past the glory days.

*Here is the list I made without using an external reference: Alfredo Aceves, Billy Butler, Chris Carpenter, Carl Crawford, Coco Crisp, David DeJesus, Edwin Encarnacion, Gio Gonzalez, Josh Johnson, Jair Jurrjens, Kila Kaaihue, Kenshin Kawakami, Mark Melancon, Melvin Mora, Ramon Ramirez, Stephen Strasburg, Troy Tulowitzki
**I used to think his nickname was Captain Crunch because his head looks like a peanut.

Cole Hamels May Never Win Again

For about a month now, I've been obsessed with Cole Hamels' next win. When will it ever come? Did you know that he's 7-11 for the season and broke his seven game losing streak tonight by earning a NO DECISION against the ASTROS? The Phillies have scored ONE RUN over his last TWENTY-SIX innings.

The saddest part is that his pitching has been 90% okay and 10% very good. Cole, I'm sorry, but it's obvious that your teammates hate you.


At this point, even the internet hates you. When I Google imaged "Cole Hamels," this is what happened:

...
...
...

Oh Cole, what are you going to do if you go winless through September? What are you going to do if you somehow make the playoffs and still can't get any run support?

I have an idea. I have two ideas, even. One is move to New York and play with the Yankees. The other is move to a tropical moon deep in outer space and become the first human transplant to the Alien Baseball League.

Because, like Kei and Lil Wayne said last year, they sent us Nick Swisher and it's time to return the favor.

...
...
...
:)

The moon, Cole, the moo-oo-oon.

Kila Ka'aihue

I think this person worked at Mt. Sinai with Paul.

Casey Blake's Beard Grew Back; Derek Jeter Had a Milestone

When Casey Blake shaved his beard back in March, it broke Sam's heart. In fact, no one's seen or heard from him since that last despondent blog post. Well, Sam, you can stop sobbing into your pillow and rejoin the rest of us in the baseball blogosphere because today I watched the first three innings of the Dodgers-Phillies game and Casey Blake's beard is back.

In this same game, Andre Ethier has gone 3/3 with 3 runs and 3 RBIs. And you know what, I BENCHED HIM. What kind of Fantasy Manager benches Andre Ethier? The same kind that still has Ken Griffey Jr. on her team. "Negligent" is absolutely the wrong word. "Emotionally punitive" and "death-anchored to superstition" are closer. I'll never forgive Jayson Werth. I'll be drafting Derek Jeter in the 3rd round for the next ten years. I'll....

Well, no. Let's just stay on the topic of Derek Jeter. He got his 2,874th hit on Sunday night, passing Babe Ruth on the all-time hits list. I was watching the game at the gym and almost started crying tears of joy on the treadmill.

Did you know that, along with being the Yankees all-time hits leader, Derek Jeter has more hits than any other active player in the Major Leagues? People love to tell me about how much they hate Derek Jeter. You can't be a reasonable, self-affirming person with a positive world view and hate Derek Jeter. Maybe I'll make 100 audio recordings of me reading his autobiography out loud and mail them to all of the Jeter haters in my life, because I think that that could really improve the emotional climate of our times.

ANDRE ETHIER JUST GOT ANOTHER HIT. This is too much. I'm so full of sports feeling and fury that I'm going to stop writing and join Sam in semi-retirement.

Wherefore Art Thou Big Donkey?

Which anonymous team claimed Adam Dunn off waivers yesterday? Where in the world is Big Donkey?

Twitter keeps saying that it's the Dodgers, but I'm pretty sure they already have their own super huge, only vaguely human white person.

All of the Feelings I've Ever Had About Dan Haren Made Public to the Internet

Transcription of an email conversation dated August 5th, 2009

MBW: You'd make a cute couple, you and Dan Haren.
JCW: Me and Dan more so than other players that have appeared on the blog? Just out of curiosity.
MBW: Yeah-- I see that having more of a future than anything else.
JCW: It's the beard and the unkempt hair, isn't it?
MBW: And I can see the two of you enjoying the quiet times better than most.
JCW: Good, give him my number the next time you're in AZ, please.
MBW: Will do. He's a friend of a friend.


And so, for almost a year, I've been secretly waiting for Dan Haren to call me and even more secretly imagining our blissfully quiet future of desert sunsets, endless AriZona Iced Teas and walks amongst the blossoming cacti. Nevermind that Haren didn't make either of my two 2009 Top Ten Favorite Player lists. When an ex-boyfriend declares someone your baseball soulmate, you have to listen. I mean, who knows you better? Who else has the optimization of your personal happiness so clearly at the forefront of his possibly guilt-ridden brain?

Okay, I'm lying. I hadn't really thought much about Dan Haren until last week, when the Yankees were rumored to be negotiating a trade to help tide the temporary loss of Andy Pettitte (groin). At first, I thought it'd be nice for him to come to New York because 1) he would raise the general attractiveness of the Yankees and 2) I remembered that Matt had promised to give him my phone number. But then I thought about this and reconsidered:

As much as I want the Yankees to buy every famous player in the Major and Minor Leagues, Dan Haren wouldn't be a good fit for New York. That said, hearing that he'd had been traded to the Angels over the weekend made me really angry. THE ANGELS? That team is as corporate and boring and evil as the Yankees but without the tremendous benefit of being the Yankees. I hate the Angels! Dan Haren should be somewhere where he can feel at peace with the universe...like on the bench next to transcendental Barry Zito and slacker Tim Lincecum or wandering aimlessly through the canyons of the Southwest as a free-spirited free agent.

I have nothing more to say about this topic. These are all of the feelings I've ever had about Dan Haren and now they are here on the internet forever.

All Star 2010 Home Run Derby

Miguel Cabrera looks so cool in this picture.

A string of good news: Justin Morneau's back is eating away at his soul so he has become unable to participate in the All-Star game. That means MIGGY will start 1B for the AL, and PAULIE steps up as reserve. (At least I think this is how it works.) I've never really cared too much about the All-Star game. Last year, it made me kind of sad because it meant that baseball season is halfway over, which means that summer is halfway over, which means that my break is halfway over, which means basically life is downhill from here until next spring. I also normally don't care about the AL-NL rivalry, and don't care about how it determines the home field advantage of the World Series. But with Miggy in the starting lineup for the AL, I could give a Twinkie about the NL. And I'll definitely be watching Miggy mashing away tonight. MLB took Vanessa Williams' advice and are SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST! MASH MIGGY MASH!

#VotePK #VoteCarGo

Today is the last day of the 2010 All-Star Game Final Vote! MLB.com reports that Nick Swisher and Kevin Youkilis are more or less tied for the AL Final Vote, with Paul Konerko in third. This is a travesty. While I'm all about Nick Swisher and his vibrant personality, PAULIE IS CAPTAIN. Not just of the White Sox, but of Life. So I've decided to spend all day today voting for Paulie, even though realistically, I should be voting against Disgustingilis by voting for Swisher. I'm sure the Yankees fans are going to take care of that; hopefully Youkilis' failing ankle will keep him behind.

On the NL front, Joey Votto leads. I read some tweets about how he should've been selected in the first place for his contributions to the Reds' surprising success thus far. But again: travesty. We all know Carlos Gonzalez is the true hero of our epoch! He mashes the ball despite being mildly injured on and off the season. Also, he was in my dreams last night. Mordecai and I hung out with him all night long, and CarGo was a total pothead. I was really concerned for his tests and considered talking to him about it, but he had such a pleasant personality that I didn't feel like bringing it up.

So, if you're by a computer with internet, and you have time on your hands today, #VotePK, #VoteCarGo, and #VoteOften!!!

Celestial Stars

Allen & Ginter made astrology cards for their 2010 baseball series. This Jeter card costs $60 on eBay!

You can bid on this set of minis for $379.99 or buy it now for $439.99. Alternatively, you could read and re-read and re-re-read this post about Barry Zito on the outdated but official MLB Astrology blog. Is the MLB looking for a new astrologer? If so, I could be a couple of online courses away from a career change....

Heart Conflict, Rays Drama

This is a photo of Joe Torre watching his heart-team rally to beat his job-team in the 10th inning.

The three Yankees-Dodgers games in LA this weekend were like a World Series of attractiveness. Thank you Interleague Play for bringing together the two best looking teams in baseball. More thoughts and photos to follow.

In other news, B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria quarreled in the Rays dugout after Upton failed to hustle in a game against the last-place Arizona D'Backs.

The oddly composed top photo of Upton's snarling mouth and Longoria's furrowed brow looks like an oil painting to me. "Portrait of the Rays as a Third Place Team," by The Associated Press.

Happy Birthday, Derek Jeter!

(via)

Sports Baby at the Yankee Game

Drew Brees!

You Win Some, You Lose Some...Unless You're on the Phillies

Dear Roy Halladay,

Of course we're all only humans who make mistakes and feel sad and get steamrolled by the Yankees, but remember when you pitched for the Blue Jays and games would move in double-time because no one in the Bronx could touch you? I'm sorry that you signed your life away to that band of uncouth losers who don't groom and can't score and use Ben Fransisco as their designated hitter. I'm sorry that playing in the National League has made you soft and beatable. I'm sorry that we won't see you in the World Series. I hope you're not too depressed. I'm confident that you'll do better next time. I still think of you very affectionately and will wear my Phillies hat on your game days.

Love,
Jenni


Dear Mark Teixeira,

Why are you so, so strange? What are you doing in this photo? Why is your face the way it is?

I'll never understand,
Jenni

All-Star Campaign Posters

There's no time like the present to perform your civic duty of casting 25 All-Star votes for Derek Jeter (or for whatever non-celebrity athlete you idiosyncratically choose to prefer). It's also okay to think of this as casting 25 All-Star votes against players that you hate (i.e. Shane Victorino). This year, MLB.com has taken All-Star balloting to a unprecedentedly personal level by creating campaign pages for select contestants. So, in addition to casting your 25 allotted votes, you can also join player campaigns and encourage your sports buddies to do likewise. Every page is adorned with a graphic that superimposes a glamor shot-y button over a large photo of that player at-bat. While some are predictably and rightfully heroic...


...others are goofy and un-All-Star-like. I mean, really, are those the BEST photos they could find of Casey Blake and Andre Ethier? By now, Sam and I are both willing to admit that Casey Blake may be less good looking than we'd originally thought, but Andre Ethier? He's the Prince of Egypt!

Lest you think that this is some sort of anti-Dodgers overbite conspiracy, here's Matt Kemp looking like the most famous man on Earth. His photo is so hi-res that it's practically three-dimensional.

I want to point out that you can still vote for the freshly retired Ken Griffey Jr. On a related note, you can also absolutely still have him on your Fantasy team in all Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball leagues. I have the personal experience and the losing record to prove this.


While we're on the topic of Fantasy stat killers, here's the campaign poster for last-season-soul-enemy Jayson Werth. Ugh. Don't vote for him.


Finally, here's a bonus screenshot of Cole Hamels and Stephen Strasburg pitching in different games on Sunday. I uploaded this by accident, but now it's part of the internet forever! Hi Cole. GREAT JOB. YOU FINALLY WON A GAME!

Voting ends July 1st.