Kim, Tae-Kyun

Via Matthew, I wanted to highlight a certain player from the Korean national team, 1st baseman Kim Tae-Kyun, who helped Korea "power past Mexico" yesterday.


According to the roster he's listed at 6'0"; 220 lbs, which is big, if not quite the size of Milwaukee's bomber. But after looking at his belly above and the video available here, he has got to be bigger than that.

I'm thinking at least 250... Does that disqualify him from the attractive list? I'll leave that to more discerning eyes than mine.

NL CENTRAL

As a fellow Midwesterner I suppose the NL central should hold some sort of special place in heart. But it doesn't. In fact I couldn't even name all six teams this morning, I had to look it up on wikipedia. As the first rankings I have done with Jenni's scientific ranking system, I was surprised to see how the averages shook out, but they are what they are.

Coming in at a strong number 1 with a team average of 4.727 were the Milwaukee Brewers.

Tops of the Brewers: Ryan Braun, Mat Gamel, and Prince Fielder

Ryan Braun got the highest ranking of any player I looked at today and had I been a little more worldly when I did my original top 5, he probably would have mad the cut. Rookie-ish Mat Gamel has that hipsterish hair and I've already said too much about Prince Fielder.

Worst of the best: Braden Looper, Todd Coffey, and David Riske.

It seems obvious that Braden Looper's head is way to big to be supported by his body while Todd Coffey's head looks way too small for his EXTREMELY large frame. All I can think of when I look at David Riske is the gopher from Caddyshack.

At No. 2 are my sort-of home town Chicago Cubs with an average of 4.657.

Best of the Cubs: Joey Gathright, Jeff Samardzija, and Ryan Theriot.

Former wide-receiver Jef Samardzija doing his best Bo Jackson is a no-brainer for me and Ryan Theriot looks a lot like a not so poor man's Ashton Kutcher. And Joey Gathright just looks like a super nice guy.

Worst of the north-side losers: Alfonso Soriano, Chad Gaudin, and Paul Bako

Not to get on Jenni's shit list, but I hate injury-prone Soriano, seen here grabbing his crotch. I don't think Chad Gaudin needs much commentary to demonstrate his douchey-ness, and Paul Bako is... well... old.

In 3rd Position were the Houston Astros with an average of 4.45.

Best of the stros: Lou Palmisano, Yordany Ramirez, and J.R. Towles.

Lou Palmisano, who I guess is a rookie, looks like a mix between Tom Brady and movie star. Yordany's got one of those trusting faces and JR Towles looks like the type of guy I would want to be friends with.

Bottom of the stros: Tim Byrdak and Jeff Fulchino

Not to pick on him, but I think the main reason I put Tim Byrdak up there is because after looking at so many headshots it was a shocker to see someone with glasses on. I was going to pass over him because I thought it would be mean to call him out for looking like a nerd, but then I saw that soul patch. Believe it or not the picture above is actually a good one of Jeff Fulchino.

In 4th place, just barely behind the Astros, were the St. Louis Cardinals with an average of 4.4.

Chris Carpenter, Jason LaRue, and Brian Barton.

For some reason I always imagined veteran Chris Carpenter as being really ugly, but his headshot and several google image searches proved me wrong. I wanted to include an action shot of Jason LaRue, but his headshot might be even better. And Brian Barton looks like a great guy.


I also wanted to give a special shout out to Chris Perez, who looks startlingly like the Danny McBride character Kenny Powers in the HBO series Eastbound and Down.

Jason Motte, Rick Ankiel, and Trever Miller

Check out Jenni's wrap-up for Jason Motte's extremely bad mugshot. HGHer Rick Ankiel is grabbing for crotches and Trever Miller just looks weird.

In 5th place, but not quite last place were the Cincinnati Reds with an average of 4.314

The only one???: Edinson Volquez

I didn't identify a whole lot of standouts from the Reds, so I included two pictures of Edinson Volquez. All in all they were a pretty mediocre bunch.

Aaron Harang, and Bronson Arroyo

However, there were a couple fellas they stood out the wrong way, most notably is Aaron Harang who looks like a poor man's Paul Giamatti. Even though Arroyo has since changed his hair, he will never get off my shit list.

In last place, which really means something when you've got 6 teams in your division, were the Pittsburgh Pirates with an average of 4.277.

Stand-outs???: Neil Walker and Nate McLouth

I'll leave Nate McLouth for Jenni since he's in her top five... But Neil Walker, he looks like a stoner, which I think he pulls off very nicely.

Worst of the worst: Luis Cruz, Tom Gorzelanny, and Ramon Vasquez.

I would have loved to give Ramon Vasquez some props because I used to like him, but with that weak mustache, I just don't know. Luis Cruz got my lowest score of the day (2) because I couldn't look at that picture without picturing one of those large blow-up rats they put outside non-union construction projects. And Tom Gorzelanny just looks tired.

I'm still playing catch-up on my rankings, but hopefully by next week I'll be close to caught up.

NL Central: ON ACID

Things got a little loopy with the NL Central, this week. First, I mistakenly re-evaluated the Minnesota Twins while completely forgetting about the Milwaukee Brewers. Then, I got dopey-eyed and giggly about several of the UGLY players. When I began to repeatedly hallucinate a certain author/public intellectual's face over multiple mugshots, I knew that this week's ratings would be majorly f'ed. Still, there's nothing I can do about it now. The past is the past. You just have to let....it....go........

Charging to first are the forgotten Brewers with a nearly unprecedented team average of 5.39.

Beer Goggles?: Prince Fielder (7), Corey Hart (6), Angel Salome (8)

Angel Salome must be a model in the off-season, because he does that pout-and-gaze like only a professional could. Corey Hart looks like Nate McLouth before Nate McLouth got fat...I can't decide if I like him more or less than they other Corey Hart, nevermind those other 80's Cory icons. Sam's already written a blog post about Prince Fielder, and Kei's got him on her Fantasy Team, so I'll just say that I agree with both of them...he looks great for a fatty!

Alcohol Poisoning: Mike Lamb (3), Trevor Hoffman (3), Seth McClung (3)

Based solely on this outfit, I would be willing to bet $100 that Trevor Hoffman's name surfaces in some forthcoming wave of steroid disclosures.

In second place, with a collective score of 4.85 are the Houston Astros.

In the Stars: Hunter Pence (6), Kazuo Matsui (7), J.R. Towles (6)

Please note that Kazuo Matsui is NOT related to Hideki Matsui of the New York Yankees (HM has acne, KM has a sweet mustache).

Hogging the Spotlight: Lance Berkman (4)

Lance Berkman has two nicknames: "Fat Elvis" and "Big Puma." Once, while playing at Wrigley Field, a Cubs fan threw a Twinkie at him. He picked it up, unwrapped it and ate it. Please read the story behind the sumo costume, here. Oh man, I can't help but love it.

In third, we have the Cincinati Reds, who averaged 4.84 points.

Red Hot: Danny Richar (7), Jerry Hairston Jr. (shown next to his father)(6),
Brandon Phillips (7)

For some reason, every time I searched for Danny Richar, Google gave me pictures of Ken Griffey Jr. Am I going crazy?

Red Scare: Aaron Harang (2), Bronson Arroyo (3), Jared Burton (2)

Whenever I feel like being harsh about baseball grooming, I tell myself, "Jenni, not everyone has Madonna to help them with these kinds of things." Bad hair and all, these three guys look fairly amicable, actually.

Surprisingly low on the list are the Chicago Cubs, who finished fourth with an average of 4.73.

Bears!: Carlos Marmol (7), Joey Gathright (7), Alfonso Soriano (8)

Do you think that adult men with giant muscles find it demeaning to be called "Cubs?"

Bears!: Mike Fontenot (2), Chad Gaudin (3), Geovany Soto (3)

Especially now that their logo has been redesigned to include a cute little bear?

Fifth place is usually last place, but not in the NL Central! One step above rock bottom are the St. Louis Cardinals and their team score of 4.52.

St. Lookers: Brian Barton (6.5), Skip Schumaker (7), Albert Pujols (7)

I feel like this photo captured Brian Barton seconds before he flipped down those sunglasses, strode into the batter's box and casually hit a solo home run in the top of the 5th with two men out and Detroit leading 2-1. Oh wait...you don't wear sunglasses while batting.

St. Losers: Jason Motte (3), Ryan Ludwick (3), Chris Perez (3)

Suffering from a severe case of bad-mugshot-fever, I drew a hear next to Jason Motte's name on my scorecard. Can't explain it. Just like him. And doesn't Chris Perez somewhat resemble Judah Frielander from 30 Rock? Maybe looks aren't everything, after all....


...Nah.

I Dislike All Pirate Jokes: Nyjer Morgan (6), Andrew McCutcher (6), Nate McLouth (7)

In my first blog post, I put Nate McLouth fourth in my Top Five. What was I thinking? I mean, I have vague memories of him darting around the outfield in that never-ending All-Star game last year...I guess I must have confused him with some sort of mythical forest creature. Still, I will respect past-Jenni by not overly disparaging her former bad judgment. You can have a 7, Nate McLouth, but I'm dropping you from my Top Five as of right now.

These Could All Be the Same Person. Seriously:
Paul Maholm (3), Tom Gorzelanny (2), Jeff Karstens (3)

Last season, the Yankees traded Jeff Karstens for Xavier Nady and boy did that move pay off in the looks department. Nady also made a few crucial big plays for the Yanks towards the end of the season. Beyond that, I don't really have anything mean to say about these Pirates. These days, I find that I just don't care enough to hate as hard as I used to. Oh God...is this the beginning of the end? Step away from the bright light, Jenni.

Next Friday, we'll wrap our the weekly rankings with NL West (MANNYWOOD!), after which point we'll be able to crown our Third Base or Bust World Series Champions. Maybe we should have a party! What do you think, Sam?!

Battle of the Fantasy Flyers

Being a rookie Fantasy Baseball commissioner, I was unsure when to schedule my league's draft. Of course, the later one has it, the more informed managers would be about injuries, starting rotations, and new contracts. On the other hand, could I really have us all sit idly for more than a month, repressing our manic excitement for the upcoming season? Unable to control my own eagerness, I settled on March 1st, and am quite satisfied, as the decision seems to have catalyzed an outpouring of preseason baseball-related creativity. What began as a casual excursion with Jenni to (suburban big-box store) Meijer for the first Topps 09 packs has blossomed into an insatiable and obsessive desire for baseball cards. An even more constructive release of this preseason fervor has been the graphic expression of fantasy team pride. Jenni initiated this with her Ladies Love Us collage (below).


Kei responded promptly, and in a different format, with her digital yearbook for The Poppersteins. With characteristic tardiness, I composed a flyer for my own team, Impending Doom. Thus 3 of the 8 teams in our league, Marauders of Time, have visually manifested their excitement. Perhaps after the season commences fantasy competition will continue to yield new and unexpected visual responses.

Jonathan Papelbon is Angry

Via


What a d'bag.

Southern Love for the Smaller Guys

Last night after getting off work (7pm) and eating dinner (8.15) a friend and i turned on the ULofL vs. LSU game on the radio (UL:7 LSU:1)*. Two teams, based an hour apart, different leagues, huge rivalry. You know the story. To our delight the game had been delayed an hour by rain and we decided to make the hour trek to the new (and ghastly) Alex Box Stadium to catch the end of the game. On the radio on the way, one of the announcers, clearly upset by LSU losing, was in hysterics over "how bad" the ref was. (UL:8 LSU:2)*

Turned out the ref WAS that bad, the stadium was soaked, and only the die hard fans were left to see out the game. TALK ABOUT FUN!! Bottom of the 8th it was tied 9:9, and UL started the 9th off with Scott Hawkins making an AMAZING home run--his 36th home run, putting Hawkins in a second-place tie for the all-time home runs for the Cajuns. Not only is Scott Hawkins attractive based on his playing ability and because my team won 10:9 thanks to him, but he is definitely cute from the side:



But my best pick of the night is Jared Mitchell, an all star LSU player getting double love from baseball and football fans. Apparently he is one to look out for. And who-unlike UL's Hawkins-is from my land.



Towards the end of the game my friend asked of Mitchell "how would it feel to know you could beat up anyone in this stadium?"
boys!
the real question is "how would it feel to know you could GET anyone in this stadium?"

*I could remember these incorrectly, but it's close enough.

A Man After My Own Heart

Three of my favorite life activities are: watching the New York Yankees, doing the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle, and eating candy and/or ice cream. While my irrational heart may favor baseball beauties like Robbie Cano and Grady Sizemore, my logical brain dearly loves Mike Mussina.

Born in Williamsport, PA in 1968, Mussina missed being his high school's valedictorian by a few decimal points. (It's been suggested that he intentionally underperformed in one class so as to avoid having to give a commencement speech.) After his graduation in 1987, the Baltimore Orioles offered Mussina a $300,000.00 signing bonus. Instead, he chose to attend Stanford University, where he finished an undergraduate degree in economics in just three years.

You know that my dad's an economist, right?

After eight years with the Orioles, Mussina joined the Yankees in 2000. In 2008, he became the oldest pitcher to win 20 games in one season. I listened to his 20th win against the Red Sox live on the radio...IT WAS SO EMOTIONAL! At that point, despite a stirring late-season rally, the Yankees had already been shut out of the playoffs and had no real reason to exert themselves (because, fine, sometimes they just don't try that hard. I can acknowledge that. They are lazy). BUT THEY WON THE GAME JUST FOR MOOSE. I almost cried.

Deciding to go out on the top of his game, Mussina promptly retired. I almost cried then, too.

Goodnight, sweet prince; And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

And so, in 2008, Mussina was playing for his legacy. He was also playing for ice cream. Here's the abbreviated scoop from the New York Times Bats blog:

The Yankees went on a health kick when Joe Girardi was named manager, prohibiting ice cream from the players’ lounge. Now the ice cream has returned, because the loudest critic of the policy, Mike Mussina, has reached 10 victories. It happened much quicker this season than last.

“It took me till September last year,” Mussina said. “They must have thought this was a lock-solid bet.”

He also created a special candy bar to help children. Apparently, it tastes good! I'm not sure if it's still being manufactured, but if it is, I WANT TO EAT IT.

Okay, enough with the sweets. I mostly love Mike Mussina for his strong intellectual ability. Moose's affinity for the New York Times crossword has been highly documented, including in the 2006 film "Wordplay." Someone also wrote a humor article about it. Washed-up pitcher, my ass! We'll talk about that when he (possibly) gets inducted into the Hall of Fame.

Here's Mike Mussina talking about Stanford and drinking and crosswords (later he talks about ketchup and hot dogs and hamburgers and the recession):

Q: You finished your degree in 3 1/2 years. Did you not drink a single beer in college?
MM: Um... how do I answer that? Yes I did, "drink a single beer."
Q: Which crossword is most challenging?
MM: Sunday Times [the incredulous look returns]. Sunday New York Times.
Q: Are you much for Sudoku?
MM: No. 'Cause it only has to be 1-9. Your options are limited. There's 40,000 words or more in the English language. Sudoku's 1-9.
Q: I don't know half of 'em.
MM: One-through-nine or half the words in the English language [laughs]?

What's another word for, "I'm too smart for this?"

I was recently told that the Sunday puzzle isn't the hardest one in the Times (I almost cried THEN, too), but I don't care. Mike Mussina is awesome. See you at the Old Timer's game!

WHO IS THE MOST FIERCE?

Finally, a culture that knows how to judge baseball players.

Here's USA (and Cubs) loser Ted Lilly being grilled by the foreign media about the World Baseball Classic.


The reporter looks earnest and Ted Lilly looks a little confused, but the question is a hard one... WHO IS THE MOST FIERCE?

For my money it's surely Ichiro, but what do you think?

The Cuban Missile Continued

Earlier this week, I came across this schedule at Elite as I was leaving, Topps 2009 jumbo pack in hand. I didn't even notice the cover picture until last night when walking out of Target, again with various Topps 2009 packs in hand.

There's been discussion of how Alexei is lizard-ly, chipmunk-ly, cute, or not-cute, but it's becoming clear that Alexei is just plain EPIC. Given all these crazy photos of him out there, my conclusion thus far is that he transcends "photogenic"!

Indian Wood?

I was never a huge Kerry Wood fan, even back in his Chicago heyday when he struck out 20 or whatever and almost took the Cubs to the world series (along with that other dude). He always looked a little too baby faced and farm boy-y for my taste. But seeing that he's no longer with the Cubs did twinge my hometown (but not home team) heart strings just a bit.

But whatever sense of false longing I might have temporarily felt was quickly erased when I saw Wood's new OFFICIAL TEAM picture.


What are those face pubes doing on his chin well beyond regulation "goatee" length? I think it goes without saying that this man could take a couple grooming cues from you-know-who. He also has the expression of a scared child, which is in stark contrast to these guys, and especially him. Kerry Wood needs to get his shit together.*

*He did pitch a scoreless inning of relief today so I guess he's got that going for him.

DUTCH STEW INDIES*

Yesterday evening, the Netherlands rebounded from an 0-1 deficit in the 11th inning to defeat the heavily favored Dominican Republic 2-1 in the Pool D elimination round of the World Baseball Classic. What an upset! Whereas the Dominican roster is studded with Third Base or Bust favorites (Robbie Cano, Big Papi, Jose Reyes, Hanley Ramirez) as well as some very reputable MLB players (same list, minus Cano, plus the entire pitching staff), the Netherlands have Sidney Ponson and Randall Simon...aka "that guy who knocked down the Italian Sausage in the 2003 Milwaukee Sausage Race" (more about this later).

Winning Isn't Everything (But It's Way Better Than Losing):
José Reyes and Robinson Cano brooding on the bench after the DR's elimination

Having spent the morning reading about the history of baseball in the Netherlands, I can now expertly vouch that there is NO LOGICAL OR HISTORICAL REASON for their victory. Here are some interesting facts about baseball (or "honkbal") in the Netherlands, though:

1. Baseball was introduced to the Netherlands in 1911 by J.C.G. Grasé, who observed the sport while on vacation in America.



2. In 1925, a team composed of visiting U.S. naval officers defeated the Dutch club, "Blue White," 27-2.

3. The Dutch Major Leagues are called the "Honkbal Hoofdklasse." Teams playing at this top level of competition include: the SV ADO (Den Haag), the Amsterdam Pirates (Amsterdam), the Corendon Kinheim (Haarlem), the DOOR Neptunus (Rotterdam), the Instant Holland A90 (Almere), the Konica Minolta Pioniers (Hoofddorp), the Sparta-Feyernoord (Rotterdam), and the Mr. Cocker HCAW (Bussum). Mr. Cocker is the dog proprieter of this restaurant, it seems.

4. There is a Dutch Baseball and Softball Museum.

5. The 2009 national team wears orange hats. Their next game will be tonight at 5:30pm against Puerto Rico.

Yeah, I did that. What up?

But anyway, back to the sausages. I'm tempted to copy and paste the entire Wikipedia page on the Milwaukee Sausage Race here, but, well, instead I'll just strongly recommend it. I am going to copy and paste the section entitled, "Randall Simon Incident," because it's just too good to excerpt:

On July 9, 2003, Randall Simon, then the first baseman of the Pittsburgh Pirates, hit the head of a runner's costume with a baseball bat. The tap didn't hit the human head of Mandy Block who was wearing the Italian Sausage costume, but it did knock her over, and she took the Hot Dog down with her. The Polish Sausage helped the Italian Sausage up and all sausages finished the Race. Simon was arrested and paid a fine, and was suspended by Major League Baseball for three games. He later apologized. Block asked only that the offending bat be autographed and given to her. Simon obliged. Since that incident, T-shirts and other memorabilia popped up with the now infamous words, "Don't whack our wiener!"

Simon was traded to the Chicago Cubs later that season (for reasons unrelated to the incident). He returned to Milwaukee with the Cubs for a series against the Brewers. During the first game, Simon's teammates playfully held him back as the sausages raced past their dugout, and manager Dusty Baker guarded the bat rack. In that same game, Simon purchased Italian sausages for a randomly chosen section of the crowd.

On October 1, 2008, the Brewers traveled to Philadelphia to play the Philadelphia Phillies in Milwaukee's first post-season game since the 1982 World Series. In the middle of the 6th inning, three feebly dressed sausages appeared from the left field gate of Citizens Bank Park in what proved to be a mockery of the Miller Park tradition. The three sausages were then accosted by the Phillie Phanatic at home plate to the delight of the Phillies fans. Simon, who played for the Phillies in 2006, was invited back and received loud cheers as he hit the fake sausages with a large plastic bat. Most fans understood the reference, and laughed that Simon was invited back for the gag.

Okay, here's a video!

*Remember that crossword puzzle? Hahahahahaha.

old timers

I remembered a while ago seeing a link to a collection of portraits of baseball stars made around the turn of the century, many of which were used as models for early trading cards. Via (the now defunct?) Information Basement, here's the photos.


click for a larger image. For the original search, which allows you to get much larger individual photos, click here.

Looking through the photos I can't help but think that everyone single one of these players could kick the shit out of any current major league player. Look at the expressions - It's like they were told to look tough. Also, on the whole, with one or two exceptions they are all extremely unattractive. I can imagine for some folks a couple may fall into that "ugly/sexy" category, but not many.

Now it's possible that one hundred years ago the median level of attractiveness was substantially lower, but I kind of doubt it. Not to really pick on dead people, but look at "Grant" from Philadelphia.


Maybe it's just the lens or the angle of the photo, but he looks like a freak of nature. It also appears that a teammate may be making fun of him behind his back. Probably because of his ears or that dumb look on his face.

In addition to Matthewson (the lone smiler) the other attractive exception has got to be Orval Overall (what a name!) from the Chicago Cubs.


Here's his portrait next to his trading card. To be honest I don't think the illustration even does him justice - he looks like a real life Paul Newman in the photo. But he also looks tough as shit. I may start telling people that he was my great-grandfather.