Championship Series Weekend

Mark Teixeira, the Strangest Professional Athlete? The Strangest Man?

The American League Championship series began on Friday night in Texas, with Yankees ace C.C. Sabathia starting against the Rangers' C.J. Wilson, who was promoted from their bullpen at the beginning of this year. I was at the Real Estate show and had to follow the game by constantly texting Google for score updates, but felt confident that the Yankees, having swept Minnesota in the ALDS, would easily beat the Rangers, who struggled to stop the slumping Rays in five. After seeing the score go from 3-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers to 5-0 Rangers, I gave up on the game until the top of the eighth inning, when I was able to stand on a sidewalk behind the Real Esate van and watch the game through the window of a neighboring sports bar. There, amidst a sea of Manhattan girls puking and crying and falling over in their tall heels and shiny dresses, I stood in disbelief as the Yankees put up six runs in one inning and CAME ALL THE WAY BACK TO WIN THE GAME.

ALCS Game 1: Yankees 6, Rangers 5

Yankees lead series 1-0
W: Dustin Moseley (1-0), L: O'Day (0-1)
S: Mariano Rivera (1)
HR: NYY Cano (1), TEX Hamilton (1)

Top: A Frustrated CC
Bottom: MVP! MVP! MVP!

But then this happened....

ALCS Game 2: Rangers 7, Yankees 2

Series tied at 1
W: Colby Lewis (1-0), L: Phil Huhges (0-1)
HR: NYY Cano (2), TEX David Murphy (1)

This time, I was at work and had to watch the game on mute using TBS's ridiculous Hot Corner application, which consists of live feeds from six or seven different cameras planted around the stadium. While this provides great close up shots of Derek Jeter's ear and young children picking their noses in the stands, it gives absolutely no indication of what happens to a ball once it's put in play. Does someone catch it? Does it go over the wall? Does it collide with a bird mid-air or drop for a base hit or fall into the bullpen and get eaten by big fat Joba Chamberlain? TBS Hot Corner can't tell you.

Top: Sad Phil Hughes. Tall Derek Jeter.
Bottom: Elvis Andrus and Ian Kinsler low-five

I am going to watch Game 3 no matter what. I had Cliff Lee induced sleep terrors last night.

NLCS Game 1: Giants 4, Phillies 3

Giants lead series 1-0
W: Tim Lincecum (1-0), L: Roy Halladay (0-1)
S: Brian Wilson (1)
HR: SF Cody Ross (1 and 2), PHI Werth (1), Ruiz (1)

Holy shit, who is Cody Ross??? From watching these games, I learned that Cody Ross grew up wanting to be a rodeo clown. I think he used to be a Florida Marlin? Other than that, I'm not sure why or how these home runs keeps happening.

Top: I love photos like this.
Middle: The Freak, The Franchise, The Freaky Franchise
Bottom: What's a Cody Ross? THAT.

I've had a hard time understanding my feelings about this series. I think it would be easier for the Yankees to beat the Giants in the World Series, and I like Tim Lincecum and Buster Posey and Fat Panda Sandoval. But then again, I've paid so much attention to the Phillies this year that it's hard not to instinctively root for them. And I love Roy Halladay* and Cole Hamels. And if the Yankees don't make it to the World Series this year, I want the Phillies to win so that Halladay can finally get a championship ring. But if the Yankees do make it to the World Series this year, I want them to win, so that means I should be rooting for the Giants. But I hate Brian Wilson. But I hate Shane Victorino and Jayson Werth. But, but, but....

NLCS Game 2: Phillies 6, Giants 1

Series tied at 1
W: Roy Oswalt (1-0), L: Jonathan Sanchez (0-1)
HR: SF Cody Ross (3)

Top: Roy Oswalt ignores the "stop signal" and slides home safely.
Bottom: The Phillie Phanatic wearing a hat, a shirt, shoes and knee socks, but no pants.

To me, the most interesting part of this broadcast was when they showed the Phillie Phanatic driving Ryan Howard from the Eagles game to Citizen's Bank Ballpark. I think they were in a golf cart! Also Cody Ross hit another home run but the Phillies still won and I don't know how I felt about any of it.

Game 4 with Cole Hamels in San Fransisco starts on Tuesday afternoon.

*Did you know that Roy Halladay bought the Phillies Swiss watches after his perfect game? They were inscribed "We did this together. Thanks, Roy Halladay." I love him.

Lady Jeter is Officially the World's Most Beautiful Lady

Derek Jeter's so accomplished that even his girlfriends win awards:

"sexiest punch bowl girlfriend alive"
(caption via)

Did you know that Minka Kelly was 26 during the first season of Friday Night Lights? The fifth and final season begins October 27th. You can buy this for your own punch bowl girlfriend to celebrate.

Playoffs Day 6 + 7

NLDS Game 4: Giants 3, Braves 2

Giants win series 3-1
W: Madison Bumgarner (1-0), L: Derek Lowe (0-2)
S: Brian Wilson (2)
HR: SF Cody Ross (1), ATL Brian McCann (1)

The Giants won this game and clinched the series on the road, despite douchey closer Brian Wilson walking two runners with no one out at the bottom of the 9th inning. Although this was San Fran's first Division title since 2003, their accomplishment was overshadowed by the fact that it was also Braves manager Bobby Cox's last game. He's been managing the Braves for the last 24 years! The Giants saluted him before going back into the visitor's clubhouse and spraying champagne everywhere. Baseball, always classy.

Top: Thanks Bobby
Middle: Bobby
Bottom: Ghost Bobby

ALDS Game 5: Rangers 5, Rays 1

Rangers win series 3-2
W: Cliff Lee (2-0), L: David Price (0-2)
HR: TEX Kinsler (2)

Cliff Lee dismantled the Rays at home, beating young starter David Price in their second match-up of the series and leading Texas to their first ever postseason title. Over a complete nine innings, Lee gave up just six hits and one run and struck out 11. Although, he did not strike out B.J. Upton three times, as predicted, he did break recently mulleted Evan Longoria's heart. Just leave Florida, Longoria. All of your teammates are doing it next year.

Texas cheering as Vladdy huff'n'puffs back home

Offensively, the Rangers profited from the strategic baserunning decisions / blind luck of Nelson Cruz and old-ass, bad-kneed Vladdy Guerrero, and a two-run homer in the 9th by diaper-autographing adult baby Ian Kinsler. After Cliff Lee got B.J. Upton to pop up to end the 9th inning, the Rangers ran out of their dugout, shrieking like harpies and hugged each other while jumping. The Rays just looked sad and disappeared. More extensive photographic evidence to come.

Meanwhile, the Phillies and the Yankees hung out and practiced.

Top: Cole Hamels, Roy Oswalt, Brad Lidge, Roy Halladay
Bottom: Jeter aiming for the sun

I did okay in my divisional predictions. I think I originally said Yankees in 4, Phillies in 3, Rangers in 4, Braves in 5, and one of those things came true. It's funny that the Yankees were the only team to clinch their divisional title at home-- a small kindness to the Twins and all other symbols of Midwestern decency, I suppose.

The Yankees will play the Rangers in Texas on Friday night for the beginning of the Championship Series.

Playoffs Day 5

ALDS Game 4: Rays 5, Rangers 2
Series tied at 2
W: Wade Davis (1-0), L: Tommy Hunter (0-1)
S: Rafael Soriano (1)
HR: TB Longoria (1), TEX Cruz (3)

Top: The No-Power Rangers
Bottom: Evan Longoria awakens

The Rays don't win at home, the Rangers don't win at home...no one wants to clinch this because everyone's afraid to take on the Yankees in the Championship Series. Affable Evan Longoria snapped his postseason slump today by hitting two doubles and a home run. The Rangers looked rattled, which makes sense considering that they probably thought they'd sweep this series without sweating a few days ago. Do-or-die game 5 will be played back at Tropicana Field, with David Price and Cliff Lee making their second starts on short rest. This is excellent news for the Yankees, as they probably won't have to face either ace until game 3 in the next round.

I just read on Yahoo! Sports that Texas is the only MLB franchise never to have won a playoff series and that they are 0-6 at home. I heard on the radio this morning that they have massive hunting trophies hanging in their locker rooms. If they win in Tampa tomorrow, do you think they'll kill and mount one of the devil rays that live at the stadium? Then again, I also heard that TB starter Wade Davis once shot and killed a 300-lb. black bear. So, you know, maybe not.

NLDS Game 3: Giants 3, Braves 2
Giants lead series 2-1
W: C. Romo (1-0), L: C. Kimbrel (0-1)
S: Brian Wilson (1)
HR: ATL Eric Hinske (1)

Top: Remember when Casey Blake got in trouble for mocking Brian Wilson?
Bottom: Brice Conrad made three errors in this game. Yikes.

Once again, I know nothing about what happened in this game. But isn't it unnatural how much darker Brian Wilson's beard is than his hair?

NLDS Game 3: Phillies 2, Reds 0
Phillies sweep series 3-0
W: Cole Hamels (1-0), L: Johnny Cueto (0-1)

HR: PHI Utley (1)

Top: Why so somber, Chuts?
Middle: A more understandably bummed Joey Votto
Bottom: Cole Hamels shuts the door.

I watched most of this game in the full-field MLB.tv mode on Connar's iPhone at Clare's Canadian Thanksgiving dinner, so it was pretty difficult to figure out what was going on. Can't they force teams to wear dissimilar uniforms for crucial games? I was really hoping that the Phillies would wear those blue hats, but I guess maybe those don't go on the road.

That said, even while watching flea-sized men on a Post-it-sized diamond, it was evident that Cole Hamels was pitching a gem. I know that at some point in the near, near future, I'll have to stop rooting for Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels, but for now I can say that I was beyond happy to watch Cole get the final three outs of the 9th inning and smile for the first time since 2008. Complete game shut out!

In his post-game interview, he said that Roy Halladay "makes him want to know himself better." He sounded like a mouse! I honestly thought he would sound like Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights. Here's a bonus TR Coldplay highlights reel. Unlike Riggins, Cole Hamels is from San Diego, not Texas. Maybe my mental association makes no sense, but come on, they're both so BROODING.

Playoffs Days 2.5, 3 and 4

Basically, the four teams playing in the National League Division Series are: 1) Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels v. the anonymous Reds and 2) Potential NL Rookie of the Year Buster Posey v. Potential NL Rookie of the Year Jason Heyward.

Buster Posey and Jason Heyward (with Buster Posey)...
Here's a cool New York Times story about them playing against each other as "schoolboys."

These West Coast games end so late and I owe you two stat lines on the Giants-Braves series in San Fransisco.

NLDS Game 1: Giants 1, Braves 0
W: Tim Lincecum (1-0), L: Derek Lowe (0-1)

NLDS Game 2: Braves 5, Giants 4 (in 11)
Series tied at 1
W: Kyle Farnsworth (1-0), L: Ramon Ramirez (0-1)
HR: ATL Rick Ankiel (1), SF Pat Burrell (1)

Most notably, Tim Lincecum struck out 14 batters in Game 1, and Fatty Panda Pablo Sandoval collided with baby Buster Posey in Game 2.

NLDS Game 2: Phillies 7, Reds 4
Phillies lead series 2-0
W: Jose Contreras (1-0), L: Aroldis Chapman (0-1)
HR: CIN Brandon Phillips (1), Jay Bruce (1)

I didn't watch this game either, but I heard it was sloppy. Here's fastest-pitch-ever-throwing Aroldis Chapman feeling sad about his first postseason appearance. He's only 22 and is listed as from "null, Cuba." What is "null, Cuba???"

Onto today's games...

ALDS Game 3: Rays 6, Rangers 3
Rangers lead series 2-1
W: Benoit (1-0), L: Oliver (0-1)
HR: TB Pena (1), Crawford (1), TEX Kinsler (2), Cruz (2)

Top: Texas closer Neftali Feliz after giving up a home run in the 9th inning
Bottom: B.J. Upton alone is 65% of why I can't stand the Rays

It looked, for a while, like Texas would win this game and sweep the Rays, but then that didn't happen. Bah Rangers. Boo Rays. I'm not cheering for either of these teams on principle, although it should be pretty obvious by now which team I REALLY hate.

ALDS Game 3: Yankees 6, Twins 1
Yankees sweep series 3-0
W: Phil Hughes! (1-0), L: Brian Duensing (0-1)
HR: NYY Thames (1), Swisher (1)

The Yankees come home.

Did anyone think that Minnesota could win at Yankee Stadium? I felt so sad for their starting pitcher, Brian Duensing (see below).

Sometimes, I think that it's not fair for the Yankees to be so successful and feel like it might be nice to let another team win the World Series this year. But then I remember how long the baseball season is and how sweet it is to spend all winter knowing that your team is #1. SORRY OTHER TEAMS. GO YANKEES!

Playoffs Day 2

Because I probably won't stay up long enough to tell you what happens in Game 1 of the Braves-Giants series in California, here's a recap of the two American League games that have already concluded.

Reigning Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum bumming
around in a much earlier time zone.

ALDS Game 2: Rangers 6, Rays 0
Rangers lead series 2-0
W: C.J. Wilson (1-0), L: James Shields (0-1)
HR: TEX Michael Young (1), Ian Kinsler (1)

Top: No other team's #2 is Derek Jeter
Middle: C.J. Wilson of the Texas Rangers
Bottom: Joe Maddon, Rays manager and eye-wear tastemaker, gets ejected
for trying to argue that his team isn't awful.

Maybe home field advantage doesn't mean anything when you play in a goofy dome and never sell out your games. After scoring just one run yesterday, the Rays were shut out by motor sports enthusiast C.J. Wilson and the Rangers' bullpen. They'll play their next game in Texas, where people actually like sports.

ALDS Game 2: Yankees 5, Twinzos 1
Yankees lead series 2-0
W: Andy Pettitte (1-0), L: Carl Pavano (0-1)
S: Mariano Rivera (2)
HR: MIN Orlando Hudson (1), NYY Lance Berkman (1)

Then again, the Minnesota Twins un-domed themselves this year and still got swept at home. Unlike the Rays, though, the Twins have a lot of fans and all of them were crying silent, Nordic tears by the 7th inning.

Top top: Carl Pavano used to look like an ordinary person.
Top bottom: Joe Mauer giving signs.
Bottom top: Handsome Andy Pettitte
Bottom bottom: Hell yeah, Curtis Granderson!

Carl Pavano's facial hair started getting really strange this year. I guess it helps him pitch, because he's been doing pretty well. Even with the help of a lucky mustache, though, it must be hard to go against a team that 1) has won almost three times as many World Series as any other team, 2) has a starting pitcher who's about to break the record for most-ever postseason wins, 3) has a closer who has already broken the record for most-ever postseason saves, and 4) used to pay you to get booed by its merciless fans. Sucks to be Carl Pavano. Sucks to be the Twins.

If nothing else, at least Twinkie-lovers won't have to watch their team get shut out of the ALDS at home this year. They'll have to watch it on TBS like every other baseball fan that couldn't afford to pay $89 to sit in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium.

The Mets should market the "watch baseball in New York" feel by selling tickets to watch home Yankee games on their Jumbotron. I would pay at least $25 to sit in one of those field level seats behind the dugouts, especially since they have A+ sports food. I would even pay $40 if they got actual people to stand on the field and mime the games in real time. Someone get Mr. Met on the phone and make this hapen.

Playoffs Day 1

ALDS Game 1: Rangers 5, Rays 1
W: Cliff Lee (1-0), L: David Price (0-1)
HR: Nelson Cruz (1), Bengie Molina (1), Ben Zobrist (1)

Cliff Lee had a great outing for the Rangers, but no one cares because later in the evening, Roy Halladay pitched a no-hitter for the Phillies. Doc walked one, preventing what would have otherwise been his SECOND perfect game of the season.

NLDS Game 1: Phillies 4, Reds 0
W: Roy Halladay (1-0), L: Edison Volquez (0-1)

This was his first-ever start in a post-season game. I am very, very afraid of the Phillies.

ALDS Game 1: Yankees 6, Twins 4
W: C.C. Sabathia (1-0), L: J. Crain (0-1)
S: Mariano Rivera (1)
HR: Michael Cuddyer (1), Mark Teixeira (1)

This was an unnerving game to watch, as the Twins held a 3-0 lead until a 4-run rally put the Yankees ahead in the 6th inning. Then, C.C. immediately loaded the bases and walked in the tying run. Mark Teixiera hit the go-ahead 2-run homer in the 7th inning and then everything was fine. This was the Twins' 7th consecutive postseason loss to the Yankees. 2010 SWEEP REDUX.

Why I Don't Think About Tulo

Call it superstitious, lazy or pathological, but I've never looked at a photo of Colorado's Troy Tulowitzki because I won't pay attention to any shortstop that isn't Derek Jeter. However, tonight while making a list of baseball players whose first and last names start with the same initial,* I decided that it was time.

While scrolling through the trove of Google image thumbnails, I felt overcome by a sadness that I quickly realized had nothing to do with young Tulo and his unremarkable appearance and everything to do with the inevitable decline of Derek Jeter. Things haven't been going well for DJ recently. Not only is he batting well below his usual average, but he's also failing to get the crucial game-changing hits that once earned him the nickname Captain Clutch.** Maybe it's just a bad year. That's okay. These come and go. It also happens to be the last year of his contract with the Yankees, and this fact has provided an irresistible news hook to what could have otherwise passed as a season as forgettable as Troy Tulowitzki's face.

Personally, I think that the end is still a long way off and that the near future holds at least two or three more truly great Jeterian years. Then, in his final season, the Yankees will win the World Series and even non-Yankee fans will cry because we'll all know that the team did it for him and that he did it for us. This kind of maudlin hokiness is exactly why people like sports. As W.G. Sebald once said:

It is a characteristic of our species, in evolutionary terms, that we are a species in despair, for a number of reasons. Because we have created an environment for us which isn't what it should be. And we're out of our depth all the time.... And I think there is no way in which we can escape it. The only thing that you can do, and that most people seem to be able to do very successfully, is to subdue it. And if you can do that by, I don't know, playing baseball or watching football on television, then that's possibly a good thing, I don't know.

What happens when the diversion from sadness and despair becomes its own source of sadness and despair remains to be seen. I'm a fairly new sports fan, and Derek Jeter will be my first sports hero to pass his prime, retire and eventually die. And then what will I do? Look at photos of the new nondescript shortstop who reminds everyone of Troy Tulowitzki in his prime? Or give in and write a book about walking around England, failed artificial lights, silkworm noises and driving on the wrong side of the road?


Or, do as I've grown accustomed to doing and continue to follow Derek Jeter's advice, which, of course, was always meant to be applicable beyond baseball: never treat your life like an old t-shirt. Not even past the glory days.

*Here is the list I made without using an external reference: Alfredo Aceves, Billy Butler, Chris Carpenter, Carl Crawford, Coco Crisp, David DeJesus, Edwin Encarnacion, Gio Gonzalez, Josh Johnson, Jair Jurrjens, Kila Kaaihue, Kenshin Kawakami, Mark Melancon, Melvin Mora, Ramon Ramirez, Stephen Strasburg, Troy Tulowitzki
**I used to think his nickname was Captain Crunch because his head looks like a peanut.